Forced to divorce due to wife’s addiction

[lostandhurt]

Lp,

 It is smart to play the long game here.  This is like playing chess at this point so plan your moves carefully but be willing to adjust your approach by what she does.

 Moving back in and waiting to see what happens after the baby is born sounds like a good plan.  In a prefect world the birth of her daughter would have a dramatic affect on her and she would stay clean and sober forever and all three of you could live happily ever after.

 In reality and knowing her as well as you do I think it is best to hope for the best and plan for the worst.  Line up all your pieces so you can play them when you need them without much effort.

 Are you taking care of yourself?  What is your support system?

You cannot do this alone.

 Lost

[Lp86]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is it “ideal” that a pregnant woman stops using drugs when she knows she is or could be pregnant ?  Seems like very low standard you have. I would start preparing to take leave from work unless you hire / and pay well / a nanny who will be there whenever you are not. She can’t be trusted with a newborn or baby. 

The nanny part I get and it’s something I’ve considered. My sister is a stay at home mom and has offered to watch the baby when I’m working. My wife will not like that idea but there will come a point where she’s going to have to get with the program that I decide on and as horrible as that sounds it’s just going to eventually come down to that with some things. 
 

I don’t understand the first part of you comment though. Why wouldn’t I want her to not use heroin while pregnant? I didn’t want her to use it before then either. I wish I had a wife who didn’t have these problems at all. I didn’t set out to marry a heroin addict. But this is the situation we’re in right now, so yeah the ideal is that she doesn’t use heroin at all for the remainder of her pregnancy especially but beyond that just never again, that she commits to being clean does everything in her power to become a healthy person again. That’s having low standards? 

[Lp86]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My cousin is a drug addict.  She lost custody of all three of her children to their various fathers (all three have different fathers).  She has no visitation rights because she never stopped using drugs and the courts found her continuing drug use to be enough of a factor to deny her any form of custody, and she was not awarded any visitation rights either due to being an unfit parent.

It's sad, but she chose to keep using instead of getting help so she could at least have some kind of relationship with her children.

A man I used to date also has no custody or visitation rights with his two children.  He's a crack addict and went to prison for three years because he stole something worth $13,000 to fund his habit.  Again, the courts saw his drug use and prison sentence as enough justification to deny him custody and visitation.

These are a couple of examples where someone CAN and DID get full custody of their children based on the other parent's drug addiction.

It's up to you if you want to live the next 20 years as some kind of watchdog/drug use cop/investigator.  How do you think that will impact your own mental and physical health and well-being?

I definitely recommend you consult with a family law attorney who has experience with your type of situation.

Yeah, and some women get their drug addicted babies taken away from them at birth. All situations are not equal though. Common sense says that a normal, stable, drug free father who is employed, has family support, and can provide everything for his child would naturally be awarded custody over an unemployed heroin addict but that’s not how it works a lot of the time, especially with a newborn and a mom who is actually doing every single thing the courts like to see that show she’s making an effort and deserves a chance. It sounds like in your examples the parents either continued to use drugs after their children were born and made no real attempts to get and stay clean and/or they may have already had records (criminal, CPS, etc. before the birth of their children. 
 

Women who have already had children taken away due to drug use are more likely to have subsequent babies taken away if they’re still using when the subsequent babies are born. They’re also more likely to have babies taken away if they continue to use illegal drugs throughout pregnancy, refuse treatment, often have no permanent home, no resources to care for their babies. 

Right now my wife doesn’t fit those scenarios. There’s very little paper trail regarding her drug use. She has no criminal record, not even a speeding ticket. She’s getting all required medical care, is on a maintenance drug, and if things go well she will be starting an outpatient program within the next month. I don’t say that to defend her. I’m just saying she looks much different to a court than a person with a criminal drug history and/or somebody who has already had previous children taken away due to her ongoing drug use.
 

It also depends on where you live, of course. Where we live, there doesn’t seem to be much penalization for women who use drugs during pregnancy, especially early in pregnancy, but then do everything else by the books and show an effort (even if the effort is for show in some cases). What matters more is what happens after the child is born. I think if she started using again and did enough to endanger the child and there was more proof in the eyes of the court that she was unfit then I might get full custody, but as it stands now I highly doubt that would happen in our current situation. 

I’ve already consulted with 1 attorney and will be talking to 2 more to get a variety of opinions about the situation though. 

I don’t want to strip her of her rights. I want her to have a chance to be a mother, to bond with her baby. I just want to make sure it’s done in the safest way possible. 

[Batya33]

You wrote "ideally" she wouldn't have used drugs -I meant -that's an "ideal" not just - a minimum standard a pregnant woman would have?? Anyway the great thing is your sister is willing to pitch in.  What a wonderful and thoughtful offer.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lp86 said:

She’s on Suboxone now. Since I haven’t been living with her I hadn’t thought about controlling her medication for her. I will consider the pros and cons.

Is she in rehab for more comprehensive treatment of opioid addiction that includes psychological and social support?

Opioid use disorder medications are available from out-patient clinics and physicians but with a preganacy perhaps a more comprehensive approach would help

Suboxone contains a combination of buprenorphine and naloxone (Narcan) to prevent recreational use more prevalent in buprenorphine-only (Subutex), methadone, etc. meds

It's great you go to the appointments with her but her case is so long-standing, severe and complicated by preganacy she may need more than just out-patient care.

[Tinydance]

My advice to you despite everything though is that once your daughter is born, if you don't see the necessary improvements in your wife, e.g. always attending programs for her addiction, staying clean, taking her pharmacotherapy medications. I think if you catch your wife using heroin again then you should probably still leave her. I understand you're stressed that something will happen to your daughter if you're not constantly there watching your wife. But what kind of life is that, being in a relationship where you're watching over your partner 24/7 and don't trust her to be with your child alone? 

Also I understand you love her but I also think you've let her get away with her drug use for a few years now and that may have given her the idea that while you push her to get help, at the end of the day there aren't actually any consequences.

You never left her or even threatened to leave. You just continued the relationship and that probably gave her the impression that you'll just continue tolerating it. I understand addiction is an illness but there are treatments available and can be very effective if that person actually has any will to get the help. Your wife went on for 3+ years doing nothing about it. Then same thing while she actually realised she was pregnant. 

Sorry if I sound sceptical but as a woman myself and I'm actually also 20 weeks pregnant currently, I find it hard to believe that for two months she really had no idea she was pregnant. You'd notice you didn't get your period even in the first month and often there are some physical symptoms you begin to get. Seems far fetched she didn't get her period for two months and thought nothing of that at all.

 

[Lp86]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she in rehab for more comprehensive treatment of opioid addiction that includes psychological and social support?

Opioid use disorder medications are available from out-patient clinics and physicians but with a preganacy perhaps a more comprehensive approach would help

Suboxone contains a combination of buprenorphine and naloxone (Narcan) to prevent recreational use more prevalent in buprenorphine-only (Subutex), methadone, etc. meds

It's great you go to the appointments with her but her case is so long-standing, severe and complicated by preganacy she may need more than just out-patient care.

She’s not in rehab. She’s been to in patient rehab as well as some other treatment programs a number of times in the past. She’s refusing inpatient rehab during her pregnancy. She won’t go after the baby is born because she doesn’t want to be away from her-she already told me that much. She says “you know those programs never work for me.” Her doctors urge her to consider treatment and additional supports every time she sees them but she’s refused so far.

Theres nothing I can do to force her and if she only went because I forced her it’d probably be a waste of time anyway. I’m happy she’s at least considering an outpatient program right now, which is more than she’s been willing to do so far. 
 

I think she needs a lot more but what can I do? I’ve learned that begging, pleading, and bargaining don’t work.

[Lp86]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

My advice to you despite everything though is that once your daughter is born, if you don't see the necessary improvements in your wife, e.g. always attending programs for her addiction, staying clean, taking her pharmacotherapy medications. I think if you catch your wife using heroin again then you should probably still leave her. I understand you're stressed that something will happen to your daughter if you're not constantly there watching your wife. But what kind of life is that, being in a relationship where you're watching over your partner 24/7 and don't trust her to be with your child alone? 

Also I understand you love her but I also think you've let her get away with her drug use for a few years now and that may have given her the idea that while you push her to get help, at the end of the day there aren't actually any consequences.

You never left her or even threatened to leave. You just continued the relationship and that probably gave her the impression that you'll just continue tolerating it. I understand addiction is an illness but there are treatments available and can be very effective if that person actually has any will to get the help. Your wife went on for 3+ years doing nothing about it. Then same thing while she actually realised she was pregnant. 

Sorry if I sound sceptical but as a woman myself and I'm actually also 20 weeks pregnant currently, I find it hard to believe that for two months she really had no idea she was pregnant. You'd notice you didn't get your period even in the first month and often there are some physical symptoms you begin to get. Seems far fetched she didn't get her period for two months and thought nothing of that at all.

 

I’ve enabled her definitely. I’ve tolerating things I can’t believe I’ve tolerated. I have protected her from hitting “rock bottom.” I’ve made many mistakes. 
 

I’ve threatened to leave her before. I’ve considered divorce before now too. Our relationship hasn’t just continued on as it used to be. There’s a lot of arguing and me being angry and lots of yelling and crying. Obviously I never went through with leaving. I’d end up feeling guilty, not being able to detach from her, wanting to help her, worried about what would happen if I left her. A few times she promises to get better and makes some sort of attempt. She’s been to treatment and she’s detoxed and had blips of being clean and I let myself get sucked back in. 
 

A heroin addict doesn’t function like a normal person. It’s not like she tracks her period. When you spend hours every day just laying in bed totally out of it or passed out you lose track of things like that. She may also have started to think something was up but have been in deep denial about it. I don’t say that to defend her. It’s just that she’s not like a normal functioning healthy woman when she’s actively using. There’s definitely a chance that she knew sooner but won’t admit it. Compared to everything else, I can’t worry about that or focus on it. She’s admitted to knowingly using for a month so she’s not trying to deny it all together. There’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened. Whether she knew for 2 months or 1, it doesn’t make much of a difference at this point. 

You don’t sound skeptical, just realistic. Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Lp86 said:

I’ve enabled her definitely. I’ve tolerating things I can’t believe I’ve tolerated. I have protected her from hitting “rock bottom.” I’ve made many mistakes. 
 

I’ve threatened to leave her before. I’ve considered divorce before now too. Our relationship hasn’t just continued on as it used to be. There’s a lot of arguing and me being angry and lots of yelling and crying. Obviously I never went through with leaving. I’d end up feeling guilty, not being able to detach from her, wanting to help her, worried about what would happen if I left her. A few times she promises to get better and makes some sort of attempt. She’s been to treatment and she’s detoxed and had blips of being clean and I let myself get sucked back in. 
 

A heroin addict doesn’t function like a normal person. It’s not like she tracks her period. When you spend hours every day just laying in bed totally out of it or passed out you lose track of things like that. She may also have started to think something was up but have been in deep denial about it. I don’t say that to defend her. It’s just that she’s not like a normal functioning healthy woman when she’s actively using. There’s definitely a chance that she knew sooner but won’t admit it. Compared to everything else, I can’t worry about that or focus on it. She’s admitted to knowingly using for a month so she’s not trying to deny it all together. There’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened. Whether she knew for 2 months or 1, it doesn’t make much of a difference at this point. 

You don’t sound skeptical, just realistic. Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

Well I can relate to you feeling like you need to help because I felt that way about my ex too. But I actually also realised eventually that trying to help was pointless. I actually ended the relationship of two years after seven months of him heavily using drugs. Before that I was actually trying to watch over him all that time to make sure he didn't use too much or do anything stupid. I was so stressed and anxious when I went to work because I felt like I needed to be at home all the time keeping an eye on him. I stopped going out much because it caused me anxiety to leave the house.

Also my ex lied to me a lot about the actual extent of the drug use and said that he's not really using that much, that his drug of choice (nitrous oxide) isn't that bad for you, etc, etc. Or he'd say he'd stop or has stopped but it was all a lie. I think he also stopped going to work because I'd return home when he's meant to be at work but he was just at home. He'd hear me unlocking the front door and he'd begin to frantically hide the drugs, then proceed to tell me everything was fine and he wasn't doing anything.

Also the nitrous oxide gas caused really bad burns and sores on his hands and it was so gross. I'd try to take the drugs off him but he actually fought me and pushed me away. And sometimes I'd put them in the outside garbage bins and he'd go bin diving and get them out. And he was very selfish, staying up all night blasting the TV and not letting me sleep coz he was off his face.

Then he actually admitted he'd spent $10, 000 in six months only on the drugs alone and that he ran out of money completely, I guess because he got fired from work or just didn't go to work.

I think there needs to be some point at which you actually give up. Think about it. It's not a relationship where you actually get anything out of it. It’s all about your wife, her drug problems, her trying to get the drugs. The drug is number one, you don't really factor in the relationship much. This is how addicts think trust me.

[LootieTootie]

I think you're doing everything right for someone in your shoes. I really commend your efforts in protecting your unborn child even tho you're not carrying her. There's really great guys out there!

Can I ask you if you know what the outpatient program entails?

My SIL has been 'sober' for 2 months and 'was' a fentanyl user (we really don't know if she has been clean because she lives on the other side of the US even tho she claims she has been). She attempted multiple rehab stints, was clean for 7 years then went back, also attempted an outpatient program. For her addiction, I think outpatient was worse because she really needed to be monitored and because she wasn't 24/7 she just didn't seem to have the support system to stick with it. Her last rehab stint, we thought she was doing well. Writing to us, sending videos of her, talking to her. Well, she then they kicked her out of rehab because they found her using inside the facility. *sighs*

Its a tough road for loved ones who have to deal with a family member who is addicted. I've seen how it's affected my husband, my MIL and my SIL kids. My SIL was always the life of the party, sharp as a whip, and her spunk - everyone loved her! Don't think we will see that again, and if we do, it'll be a miracle. 

[Lp86]

29 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I can relate to you feeling like you need to help because I felt that way about my ex too. But I actually also realised eventually that trying to help was pointless. I actually ended the relationship of two years after seven months of him heavily using drugs. Before that I was actually trying to watch over him all that time to make sure he didn't use too much or do anything stupid. I was so stressed and anxious when I went to work because I felt like I needed to be at home all the time keeping an eye on him. I stopped going out much because it caused me anxiety to leave the house.

Also my ex lied to me a lot about the actual extent of the drug use and said that he's not really using that much, that his drug of choice (nitrous oxide) isn't that bad for you, etc, etc. Or he'd say he'd stop or has stopped but it was all a lie. I think he also stopped going to work because I'd return home when he's meant to be at work but he was just at home. He'd hear me unlocking the front door and he'd begin to frantically hide the drugs, then proceed to tell me everything was fine and he wasn't doing anything.

Also the nitrous oxide gas caused really bad burns and sores on his hands and it was so gross. I'd try to take the drugs off him but he actually fought me and pushed Mr away. And sometimes I'd put them in the outside garbage bins and he'd go bin diving and get them out. And he was very selfish, staying up all night blasting the TV and not letting me sleep coz he was off his face.

Then he actually admitted he'd spent $10, 000 in six months only on the drugs alone and that he ran out of money completely, I guess because he got fired from work or just didn't go to work.

I think there needs to be some point at which you actually give up. Think about it. It's not a relationship where you actually get anything out of it. It’s all about your wife, her drug problems, her trying to get the drugs. The drug is number one, you don't really factor in the relationship much. This is how addicts think trust me.

I understand everything you said about your experience with your ex. Been there done that, all of it, with my wife. You’re completely right about how the worry and anxiety about what they could be doing or you know if they’re lying there dead at home is all consuming. I use to be a very social person but I can’t enjoy myself if I go out because I’m worried about her. If she doesn’t respond to a text when I’m at work it’s all I can do to not run home and check on her. She did OD at home once since I’ve been with her (not her first OD, but first since I’ve been involved).

She ruined our finances. We were doing very well. She made some great money, especially for somebody in her mid-20s at the time. Together we were really doing well financially, hitting goals, had a lot in savings. She’s blown through everything.

Now it is not about what I want but about what’s best for our child. I think it’s best to remain married and in the home right now. If she begins actively using again I don’t plan to just sit around and deal with it. I will have plans in place and by then hopefully I will have established proof that I am the safe, stable, reliable parent who has been 100% involved in every aspect of my daughter’s life. I will be prepared to have documentation of what she’s doing drugs-wise that’s endangering our child (not just my word, but actual proof which I’ve already started collecting now should the need for a documentation of her history be required). It was one thing to remain in this relationship indefinitely when it was just me but I don’t plan to do that with a child involved. I am working on myself so that if/when any of this has to happen I will be able to do it without feeling guilty and allowing myself to tolerate it any further.

 

[dd7]

If after the baby is born she relapses, it may be best to get children's services involved. They'll actually require you to leave with child or for her to leave alone if she fails drug test. They'll test you as well but I'm assuming that won't be an issue. That would put you in a position to remain in home with the baby, her to leave IMMEDIATELY to go wherever and she would have to go through court, which takes effort, to gain visitation. Once visitation started it would be supervised, couple hours biweekly. It would take multiple court visits and multiple proofs of sobriety over months (at least a year) before she would get what would be considered normal divorced parent visits and your remain primary anyway. 

[boltnrun]

One of my (former) friends got CPS called on her.  She had to submit to monthly drug tests for about two years.  She switched from meth to alcohol because it's legal, so she spent the next two years drunk out of her gourd (interestingly, she also gained a LOT of weight).  She told me when her very last drug test was happening and immediately after the last test she began using again.  It was obvious because within a month she had dropped about 20 pounds and was exceedingly thin again.  She ended up having an affair and then moved out of the family home, leaving her three children behind, because she was pregnant with her affair's baby. She refused to see her three children, claiming she was "too busy" until after her affair baby was born.   But her husband stepped up and was a great father to the kids, even the one she disclosed wasn't his (the result of a previous affair).  He also had enabled her for years and probably would have continued, but she had no choice but to leave him when she became pregnant by her affair.  In other words, she made an absolute mess of her and her children's lives, not to mention her husband's.  But fortunately, the kids had him.  Yes, they suffered but their father's presence and the stability he provided helped a lot.  Also fortunately the kids weren't physically harmed from her drug and alcohol use although she drove them around while high and drunk.  She claimed she "had" to use meth in order to get up early enough to take the kids to school.  Like other parents didn't just get up without resorting to drugs.  Ever heard of coffee???

If your sister can be with your wife and child while you're at work that may be the safest option.  That way if your wife chooses to get high at least she won't be alone with the baby.  And if she does use you'll have a witness when you go for full physical custody.

[Lp86]

1 hour ago, dd7 said:

If after the baby is born she relapses, it may be best to get children's services involved. They'll actually require you to leave with child or for her to leave alone if she fails drug test. They'll test you as well but I'm assuming that won't be an issue. That would put you in a position to remain in home with the baby, her to leave IMMEDIATELY to go wherever and she would have to go through court, which takes effort, to gain visitation. Once visitation started it would be supervised, couple hours biweekly. It would take multiple court visits and multiple proofs of sobriety over months (at least a year) before she would get what would be considered normal divorced parent visits and your remain primary anyway. 

This is encouraging to know. I’ve been told my some other men that CPS is the enemy and we should avoid their involvement at all costs. Their view is that contacting CPS regarding something the other parent does will only backfire and you yourself will also be implicated in the matter, that CPS will not be of any benefit to you to your child but will only be a hindrance to you as the reporting parent. I’m not saying that I agree as I have no experience with CPS, but that was worrying, confusing, and discouraging to hear. I’m not longer going to follow any advice from people I know who aren’t professionals so I’m not putting much stock into what these guys have said, but I admit it’s made me feel uneasy.

I guess the biggest fear is that somehow I’d be implicated in knowingly allowing her to use drugs around the baby or somehow contributing to an unsafe environment for the baby, even if I called and reported my wife as soon as I knew she was using again. Of course at that point the main concern would be the safety of the baby and not of me and what I want and I get that. They could investigate and drug test me all they wanted and I would comply and have no worries about what they’d find. I would just hope that if there was any doubt about me or if she tried to tell lies and accuse me of things that weren’t true that I WOULD be thoroughly investigated so that they would know the truth and that I wasn’t a danger to my own child. It’s all so foreign to me and of course that makes it scarier since you feel like you know nothing.
 

The thought of being in a situation where CPS may have to get involved with my child is sickening to me. This is not something I ever imagined being part of my life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive but today I woke up and feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of everything that might be yet to come. I try not to focus too much on what ifs but it’s easier some days than others.

 

 

[Lp86]

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my (former) friends got CPS called on her.  She had to submit to monthly drug tests for about two years.  She switched from meth to alcohol because it's legal, so she spent the next two years drunk out of her gourd (interestingly, she also gained a LOT of weight).  She told me when her very last drug test was happening and immediately after the last test she began using again.  It was obvious because within a month she had dropped about 20 pounds and was exceedingly thin again.  She ended up having an affair and then moved out of the family home, leaving her three children behind, because she was pregnant with her affair's baby. She refused to see her three children, claiming she was "too busy" until after her affair baby was born.   But her husband stepped up and was a great father to the kids, even the one she disclosed wasn't his (the result of a previous affair).  He also had enabled her for years and probably would have continued, but she had no choice but to leave him when she became pregnant by her affair.  In other words, she made an absolute mess of her and her children's lives, not to mention her husband's.  But fortunately, the kids had him.  Yes, they suffered but their father's presence and the stability he provided helped a lot.  Also fortunately the kids weren't physically harmed from her drug and alcohol use although she drove them around while high and drunk.  She claimed she "had" to use meth in order to get up early enough to take the kids to school.  Like other parents didn't just get up without resorting to drugs.  Ever heard of coffee???

If your sister can be with your wife and child while you're at work that may be the safest option.  That way if your wife chooses to get high at least she won't be alone with the baby.  And if she does use you'll have a witness when you go for full physical custody.

I can’t imagine how terribly affected those kids must be, even with a present and stable father. 
 

If my sister helps out it would likely be me taking the baby to her house since she’s a stay at home mom to her own kids. They have all of their routines and everything in their own home so I wouldn’t ask her to come to our home. She’s already going out of her way to offer to take care of a baby on top of her own two kids. I absolutely would not want my sister to have to be my wife’s babysitter or for my niece and nephew to be around my wife if there was a chance she might use. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

I’m not longer going to follow any advice from people I know who aren’t professionals so I’m not putting much stock into what these guys have said, but I admit it’s made me feel uneasy.

Definitely only proceed on the advice of your attorney on this type of matter. What if the child ends up in foster care as a result? Many CPS cases where one parent reports the other are viewed as custody battles and both parents are investigated. If there is an issue with her parenting talk to an attorney about obtaining primary custody.

[Lp86]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely only proceed on the advice of your attorney on this type of matter. What if the child ends up in foster care as a result? Many CPS cases where one parent reports the other are viewed as custody battles and both parents are investigated. If there is an issue with her parenting talk to an attorney about obtaining primary custody.

I understand. Maybe I should have clarified that I’m not taking any sort of serious advice from anyone who isn’t a professional that I’m consulting with directly who can speak to laws and policies in my area and regarding my specific situation. I understand that dd7 has professional experience and definitely appreciate their input but I didn’t mean to sound as if I’m planning to blindly take the advice of an anonymous person with any sort of professional experience on an online forum (no offense, dd7, just trying to say I’m not an idiot). 
 

I would however be interested in hearing dd7’s take on Wiseman2’s comment, since it sounds very much like the stuff that other men have told me. Just as a “somebody with professional experience but not advice I’m actually going to adhere to as if it’s bible” sort of insight.

 

 

[Batya33]

Will your wife be ok with the baby being at your sister's home?  Also will your sister be ok if your wife shows up high and wants to take the baby home?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lp86 said:

I’m not taking any sort of serious advice from anyone who isn’t a professional that I’m consulting with directly who can speak to laws and policies in my area and regarding my specific situation.

Exactly. When the child is born the attending obstetrician will take the mother's history and of course the attending pediatrician will be involved. It will be a legal document that she is being treated for opioid use disorder. Keep in mind physicians are mandatory reporters so if there is an issue with the mother/child it would automatically be referred to CPS.

[boltnrun]

I presume the baby will be tested when she's born to make sure she doesn't have any illegal narcotics in her system.  Of course the best hope is she will not.  But if she does the hospital (social worker) will likely open a CPS case immediately.

You are not an addict so when they test you, you have nothing to worry about.  Offer to give them a hair and blood sample so you can't be accused of using a "cleanse" or only stopping using shortly before your baby is born.

My former boss had full custody of his daughter due to his ex-wife's mental health issues.  She was delusional and borderline psychotic.  My brother's best friend also got full custody of his child despite being unemployed and living with his parents, because his child's mother is also severely mentally ill and emotionally unstable.  And a former coworker also has full custody of his daughter due to her mother's drug use. So yes, sometimes the courts do decide the child is better off with its father.

Do you have an attorney who specializes in cases where one of the parents is an addict?  Do you have resources you can utilize such as a father's rights support group?

[Lp86]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Will your wife be ok with the baby being at your sister's home?  Also will your sister be ok if your wife shows up high and wants to take the baby home?

My wife probably won’t like that idea but she’s going to have to deal with some things she might not like. I probably sound like a jerk saying that but it’s not all about what she wants.

I have concerned that it could put my sister in an awkward position, so I haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to do yet. Open to suggestions if I’m just missing a really obvious solution.

 

[Lp86]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. When the child is born the attending obstetrician will take the mother's history and of course the attending pediatrician will be involved. It will be a legal document that she is being treated for opioid use disorder. Keep in mind physicians are mandatory reporters so if there is an issue with the mother/child it would automatically be referred to CPS.

In our state, mandatory reporting isn’t automatically required.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

In our state, mandatory reporting isn’t automatically required.

Sorry didn't realize you were not in North America/ the US were 48 states have mandatory reporting. Why not research it? It's not just doctors it can be anyone including the police, EMTs whatever.

The point being once the child is born a DIY strategy won't work any longer. The child has rights.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Lp86 said:

I have concerned that it could put my sister in an awkward position, so I haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to do yet. Open to suggestions if I’m just missing a really obvious solution.

I think she has to be comfortable with the sort of confrontation that can happen with a drug addict and has to know the signs if your wife looks drunk or high.  

[Lp86]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry didn't realize you were not in North America/ the US were 48 states have mandatory reporting. Why not research it? It's not just doctors it can be anyone including the police, EMTs whatever.

The point being once the child is born a DIY strategy won't work any longer. The child has rights.

I’m in the US and we do have mandatory reporting for child abuse in my state, but  a baby born dependent on drugs or to a drug dependent mother doesn’t fall under mandatory reporting requirements. Basically, our state doesn’t consider it child abuse to use drugs while pregnant. What we’ve been told is that a hospital social will come speak with both of us. They will do a risk assessment for the baby’s safety. Depending on what they determine by the assessment, they may or may not contact CPS who will then open a case.