Lp86

Haven’t posted in a while. I decided to take a break while focusing on my life and relationship with my wife. She successfully completed level 1 of the outpatient rehab program she’s been attending and is starting on level II, or the next step down. She’s still on suboxone and will not begin to be weaned off of that until after the baby is born. We’ve also been attending counseling together which is going really great. Overall, it’s really been helping us, and specifically me, to better understand her addiction and what I can do to support her without completely losing myself and my mind. I’m still living in our home with her, still very much married, just hoping things will continue in this path but still always anxious about what could happen.

“We” meaning me (as in my team of myself and whoever was representing me). I had originally consulted with him regarding divorce and custody. The doctors have counseled us on possible/likely outcomes as far as the baby is concerned. I’ve spent countless hours reading about babies born to drug dependent mothers, NAS, long-term effects of opiates on the baby, etc. I’ve also read about babies who were sent home with their drug addicted mothers and were accidentally smothered to death or thrown in the washer with a dirty pile of clothes because mom was so out of it. I don’t know exactly what we’ll be facing because so much is uncertain and cannot be know until she’s here. Even then, some things, such as cognitive delays or learning disabilities, might not be detected for years. There aren’t any special tests that can be done now, other than the standard tests available before birth. We had an ultrasound at 20 weeks and physically there are no abnormalities and she’s in a healthy size range. She’ll be more susceptible to addiction later in life. What can I do about that right now? Babies born to mothers who switched to maintenance drugs during pregnancy tend to experience shorter and less intense withdraw. Some don’t even experience NAS at all. Many are born seemingly perfectly healthy. I’m preparing for that not to be the case for us just to keep expectations realistic. I read information and studies about what is best for babies going through withdraw. My wife is also planning to breastfeed, which is encouraged in these situations as long as mom meets certain criteria which she does for the time being. That can help the baby in multiple ways and ease the withdraw.

The attorney I spoke with before (the only one I’ve officially consulted with) seemed to jump straight into court battles and litigation, although he also wanted to practically promise me that we would win (custody, that is) eventually. I started to get a not so great feeling about him. I think he was just seeing the dollar signs on his end of this turned into some drawn out thing. I generally like to follow the rule of getting estimated from 3 different companies before I contract one for services. So I’ve decided to consult with 3 different attorneys just to gauge their thoughts and what, if anything, I can do on my end to protect myself and the baby. I don’t think I’m the only one with rights. The baby has the most rights here, as far as I’m concerned. My wife has rights to, especially as far as any court would be concerned at this point, but when push comes to shove I have to put my helpfulness child above her or myself. I thankfully have good insurance and it’s paying off right now. Will still have medical bills like crazy. Ive established a bank account that my wife can’t get to if she goes off the rails and tries to clear out all of our financials again. Between the high risk specialists she’s seeing now, the medication she’s on, the rehab stay, and the delivery (assuming it’s a relatively standard delivery), I’m going to have to put some extra effort in on the job to be able to afford all of this. I read that babies born addicted to drugs generally rack up a hospital bill about 6 times that of a non-addicted, healthy newborn. Now that’s not even taking into account what else could go wrong. Bought one small baby item today as an ice breaker. First baby thing we’ve bought. I should be happy but all I can see are the bills. But we will be ok, I think. Im stressed and can’t help but think of how set we were financially for a time when she was working and on top of her game. We both worked in commission based jobs and we were really making bank together, but she’s squandered most of it. I know I won’t be able to rely on her for any sort of steady income anytime soon so I’m just working extra to try to get ahead of the game right now.

If nothing else this is a nice place to just let everything out where there’s nobody that actually has any skin in the game. My friends and family mean well but sometimes there are things that are better left unmentioned. My family is supportive of me, whatever I decide to do. Admittedly my mom cried for days, not happy tears, when I told her about the pregnancy. My family and a few friends were the most vocal of the “you must divorce immediately” group. The thing is they like my wife when she’s clean and sober but she’s burned a few too many bridges with all of them now and of course nobody thinks she can handle a baby. For the most part everyone understands my decision now. They don’t have high hopes for her but they understand that this is what I feel is the safest option for the baby for the time being. I’m still getting all of my ducks in a row. I don’t want to be caught when *** hits the fan and not know what I’m going to do. I was supposed to meet with a different attorney last week but my appointment was postponed.

Thanks. She’s been to inpatient rehab 2.5 times and outpatient 3 times, so I know not to get my hopes too high but it’s still a big improvement from 1-2 months ago so I’m just trying to focus on that. Bought 1 small thing for baby today. Finally broke the ice on buying baby supplies and it made her very happy.

This past Monday my wife has an assessment meeting at a local rehab facility, to determine if she is a good fit for their outpatient programs. I went along with her. If all goes well and she doesn’t back out, she’ll begin the program in August. She’ll attend 5 hours a day M-F for about a month. If she successfully completes that, she can step down to the next level which will be 3 hours a day M-F, right up until very close to when the baby is due. They offer counseling for family members as well as counseling for us together. One criteria for participation in the outpatient program is strong support at home, somebody who will be involved with supporting her. I am 100% on board and will do whatever they tell me to do. I’m happy about it but just trying not to get my hopes up too high just yet. I think she wants to put in a genuine effort and that it isn’t all for show, but we’ll see. She’s also offered to start helping with some of my work related tasks (she used to work in the same career field and has the specialized knowledge required for some of the paperwork, etc.) to keep herself busy. I think it will be good for her to do something productive. She used to love her job and she was so good at it, which is how we met in the first place. So I’m hoping that it will be good for her mindset. She’s also finally willing to go do things outside of the house like we used to. Baby steps, but to just be able to go out to dinner like normal people after so long has been really nice.

I agree. I feel guilty putting my sister in that position. The problem is that my job doesn’t have regular set hours 9-5, so my schedule is unpredictable and I will know some appointments ahead of time but some are last minute or day of. I’ve considered a traditional daycare but it wouldn’t be flexible. Plus most won’t take a newborn. If I don’t have sole custody, how can they not let mom pick the baby up if she shows up in the middle of the day? I don’t know how that works or if they could be instructed to only release the baby to me, but what would I have to enforce them? Im learning that there are rarely any great options in this whole mess. It’s just picking the least bad option each time.

I’m in the US and we do have mandatory reporting for child abuse in my state, but a baby born dependent on drugs or to a drug dependent mother doesn’t fall under mandatory reporting requirements. Basically, our state doesn’t consider it child abuse to use drugs while pregnant. What we’ve been told is that a hospital social will come speak with both of us. They will do a risk assessment for the baby’s safety. Depending on what they determine by the assessment, they may or may not contact CPS who will then open a case.

In our state, mandatory reporting isn’t automatically required.

My wife probably won’t like that idea but she’s going to have to deal with some things she might not like. I probably sound like a jerk saying that but it’s not all about what she wants. I have concerned that it could put my sister in an awkward position, so I haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to do yet. Open to suggestions if I’m just missing a really obvious solution.

I understand. Maybe I should have clarified that I’m not taking any sort of serious advice from anyone who isn’t a professional that I’m consulting with directly who can speak to laws and policies in my area and regarding my specific situation. I understand that dd7 has professional experience and definitely appreciate their input but I didn’t mean to sound as if I’m planning to blindly take the advice of an anonymous person with any sort of professional experience on an online forum (no offense, dd7, just trying to say I’m not an idiot). I would however be interested in hearing dd7’s take on Wiseman2’s comment, since it sounds very much like the stuff that other men have told me. Just as a “somebody with professional experience but not advice I’m actually going to adhere to as if it’s bible” sort of insight.

I can’t imagine how terribly affected those kids must be, even with a present and stable father. If my sister helps out it would likely be me taking the baby to her house since she’s a stay at home mom to her own kids. They have all of their routines and everything in their own home so I wouldn’t ask her to come to our home. She’s already going out of her way to offer to take care of a baby on top of her own two kids. I absolutely would not want my sister to have to be my wife’s babysitter or for my niece and nephew to be around my wife if there was a chance she might use.

This is encouraging to know. I’ve been told my some other men that CPS is the enemy and we should avoid their involvement at all costs. Their view is that contacting CPS regarding something the other parent does will only backfire and you yourself will also be implicated in the matter, that CPS will not be of any benefit to you to your child but will only be a hindrance to you as the reporting parent. I’m not saying that I agree as I have no experience with CPS, but that was worrying, confusing, and discouraging to hear. I’m not longer going to follow any advice from people I know who aren’t professionals so I’m not putting much stock into what these guys have said, but I admit it’s made me feel uneasy. I guess the biggest fear is that somehow I’d be implicated in knowingly allowing her to use drugs around the baby or somehow contributing to an unsafe environment for the baby, even if I called and reported my wife as soon as I knew she was using again. Of course at that point the main concern would be the safety of the baby and not of me and what I want and I get that. They could investigate and drug test me all they wanted and I would comply and have no worries about what they’d find. I would just hope that if there was any doubt about me or if she tried to tell lies and accuse me of things that weren’t true that I WOULD be thoroughly investigated so that they would know the truth and that I wasn’t a danger to my own child. It’s all so foreign to me and of course that makes it scarier since you feel like you know nothing. The thought of being in a situation where CPS may have to get involved with my child is sickening to me. This is not something I ever imagined being part of my life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive but today I woke up and feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of everything that might be yet to come. I try not to focus too much on what ifs but it’s easier some days than others.

I understand everything you said about your experience with your ex. Been there done that, all of it, with my wife. You’re completely right about how the worry and anxiety about what they could be doing or you know if they’re lying there dead at home is all consuming. I use to be a very social person but I can’t enjoy myself if I go out because I’m worried about her. If she doesn’t respond to a text when I’m at work it’s all I can do to not run home and check on her. She did OD at home once since I’ve been with her (not her first OD, but first since I’ve been involved). She ruined our finances. We were doing very well. She made some great money, especially for somebody in her mid-20s at the time. Together we were really doing well financially, hitting goals, had a lot in savings. She’s blown through everything. Now it is not about what I want but about what’s best for our child. I think it’s best to remain married and in the home right now. If she begins actively using again I don’t plan to just sit around and deal with it. I will have plans in place and by then hopefully I will have established proof that I am the safe, stable, reliable parent who has been 100% involved in every aspect of my daughter’s life. I will be prepared to have documentation of what she’s doing drugs-wise that’s endangering our child (not just my word, but actual proof which I’ve already started collecting now should the need for a documentation of her history be required). It was one thing to remain in this relationship indefinitely when it was just me but I don’t plan to do that with a child involved. I am working on myself so that if/when any of this has to happen I will be able to do it without feeling guilty and allowing myself to tolerate it any further.

I’ve enabled her definitely. I’ve tolerating things I can’t believe I’ve tolerated. I have protected her from hitting “rock bottom.” I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve threatened to leave her before. I’ve considered divorce before now too. Our relationship hasn’t just continued on as it used to be. There’s a lot of arguing and me being angry and lots of yelling and crying. Obviously I never went through with leaving. I’d end up feeling guilty, not being able to detach from her, wanting to help her, worried about what would happen if I left her. A few times she promises to get better and makes some sort of attempt. She’s been to treatment and she’s detoxed and had blips of being clean and I let myself get sucked back in. A heroin addict doesn’t function like a normal person. It’s not like she tracks her period. When you spend hours every day just laying in bed totally out of it or passed out you lose track of things like that. She may also have started to think something was up but have been in deep denial about it. I don’t say that to defend her. It’s just that she’s not like a normal functioning healthy woman when she’s actively using. There’s definitely a chance that she knew sooner but won’t admit it. Compared to everything else, I can’t worry about that or focus on it. She’s admitted to knowingly using for a month so she’s not trying to deny it all together. There’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened. Whether she knew for 2 months or 1, it doesn’t make much of a difference at this point. You don’t sound skeptical, just realistic. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

She’s not in rehab. She’s been to in patient rehab as well as some other treatment programs a number of times in the past. She’s refusing inpatient rehab during her pregnancy. She won’t go after the baby is born because she doesn’t want to be away from her-she already told me that much. She says “you know those programs never work for me.” Her doctors urge her to consider treatment and additional supports every time she sees them but she’s refused so far. Theres nothing I can do to force her and if she only went because I forced her it’d probably be a waste of time anyway. I’m happy she’s at least considering an outpatient program right now, which is more than she’s been willing to do so far. I think she needs a lot more but what can I do? I’ve learned that begging, pleading, and bargaining don’t work.

Yeah, and some women get their drug addicted babies taken away from them at birth. All situations are not equal though. Common sense says that a normal, stable, drug free father who is employed, has family support, and can provide everything for his child would naturally be awarded custody over an unemployed heroin addict but that’s not how it works a lot of the time, especially with a newborn and a mom who is actually doing every single thing the courts like to see that show she’s making an effort and deserves a chance. It sounds like in your examples the parents either continued to use drugs after their children were born and made no real attempts to get and stay clean and/or they may have already had records (criminal, CPS, etc. before the birth of their children. Women who have already had children taken away due to drug use are more likely to have subsequent babies taken away if they’re still using when the subsequent babies are born. They’re also more likely to have babies taken away if they continue to use illegal drugs throughout pregnancy, refuse treatment, often have no permanent home, no resources to care for their babies. Right now my wife doesn’t fit those scenarios. There’s very little paper trail regarding her drug use. She has no criminal record, not even a speeding ticket. She’s getting all required medical care, is on a maintenance drug, and if things go well she will be starting an outpatient program within the next month. I don’t say that to defend her. I’m just saying she looks much different to a court than a person with a criminal drug history and/or somebody who has already had previous children taken away due to her ongoing drug use. It also depends on where you live, of course. Where we live, there doesn’t seem to be much penalization for women who use drugs during pregnancy, especially early in pregnancy, but then do everything else by the books and show an effort (even if the effort is for show in some cases). What matters more is what happens after the child is born. I think if she started using again and did enough to endanger the child and there was more proof in the eyes of the court that she was unfit then I might get full custody, but as it stands now I highly doubt that would happen in our current situation. I’ve already consulted with 1 attorney and will be talking to 2 more to get a variety of opinions about the situation though. I don’t want to strip her of her rights. I want her to have a chance to be a mother, to bond with her baby. I just want to make sure it’s done in the safest way possible.

The nanny part I get and it’s something I’ve considered. My sister is a stay at home mom and has offered to watch the baby when I’m working. My wife will not like that idea but there will come a point where she’s going to have to get with the program that I decide on and as horrible as that sounds it’s just going to eventually come down to that with some things. I don’t understand the first part of you comment though. Why wouldn’t I want her to not use heroin while pregnant? I didn’t want her to use it before then either. I wish I had a wife who didn’t have these problems at all. I didn’t set out to marry a heroin addict. But this is the situation we’re in right now, so yeah the ideal is that she doesn’t use heroin at all for the remainder of her pregnancy especially but beyond that just never again, that she commits to being clean does everything in her power to become a healthy person again. That’s having low standards?

She’s on Suboxone now, actually. I go to all of her appointments at her treatment doctor. They had her on the max dose and she’s been very out of it a lot of the time. It’s not the same as when she’s high in heroin but it’s just like a kind fog. She gets extremely tired and she can’t remember what she was in the middle of doing. She’s so out of it that she does things like accidentally take a pill herself that she was supposed to give to our dog. So she’s been begging them to reduce the dose by just a little so she can function better. Of course they refused. Finally they did reduce the dose last week by only 2 mg but she seems to be doing better. Since I haven’t been living with her I hadn’t thought about controlling her medication for her. I will consider the pros and cons.

Yes I’ve started to rebuild my savings and other accounts. Of course if we divorce she’ll get a portion of it but i can’t put off trying to fix this mess that she’s made financially. We were doing so well when she was clean and employed. Her job was commission based and she was making really impressive money, especially for somebody her age. Financially we were very secure, already had a good chunk of money in retirement and 401k. She’s basically burned through everything she could possibly get her hands on. She drives to the next town over every single day to get her daily heroin stash. Every single day. Her life revolves around it and her scheduled fixes. For a junkie she is fairly organized in that sense. She spaces everything out so she has enough to get her through the day. It’s the only thing she’s organized about. She has to go every day because she knows if she bought more than a day’s worth she’d use all of it in one day anyway. If she knowingly starts using again after the baby is born there’s just no way I can ever leave them alone together. She’s a good liar and manipulator but by now I know all sorts of signs to look for, her hiding places. I don’t know how I will make sure that they’re never alone together. I don’t know, I’m hoping if that happens she’ll do something that I can report her for. I hate to say that and I hope that doesn’t happen. I’ve spent years inadvertently enabling her by cleaning up her mess and protecting her from certain consequences and it’s hard to break that habit in my part but I’m going to have to learn how moving forward.

She claims she knew she was pregnant for about a month before she said anything. I’m still struggling with that because yeah ideally it wouldn’t have taken her that long to reach out for help but at the same time it’s no surprise to me. I’m not sure if there’s anything she could do that would be “proof” enough for me to believe she was done with the drugs for good or to trust her completely again. It will take a lot of obvious effort a very long period of clean time (years) for me to trust her in any way again and even then there will still always be the worry. It will be something I have to learn to accept and figure out if I can live with that. You nailed it with the babysitter thing. I already feel that way and have for some time. I used to be a social person who had friends and went out and did things. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave the house because I was always so worried about what she might do. When I’d have to leave, such as for work, I’d spend a lot of my time worrying, panicking when she would go an extended time without responding to a text, having to run home during the middle of the day because I had some sort of bad feeling. I imagine it’ll all be ten fold with a baby involved. That cannot be a healthy environment for a child to be in and I won’t be exampling healthy behaviors. But then I think what’s worse? That or her possibly having 50% custody of the baby and nobody being there to control the situation most of the time?

I appreciate this perspective. My first instinct, after calming down from the initial anger, was not to divorce her. I figured I would just have to be there all the time to protect the baby in case something happens. On top of that, although this situation and all of my wife’s problems drive me crazy I still love her. It was after I started to open up to people, which is something I don’t often do, that they all started to convince me that there was no other option but to divorce my wife and fight for custody of my child. Not doing so, according to them, made me a selfish, undeserving, unfit, subpar father. I did look up cases and information and I knew there waa a good chance she could get some form of custody, that it’s probably be likely actually. Everyone acted like I was just trying to make excuses to not divorce her. After a while I started to let them convince me that they were right and divorce was the only option. Normally I am confident and used to have no problem making decision, but this situation with her over the years has screwed with my brain. I’ve not felt really confident about the divorce option because I feel very unsure that it’ll go my way. The truth is that none of my options are perfect and they all have risks. I have started to reconsider not divorcing her at this point. I moved back into our home. I realize it might be best if I establish myself as an involved stable parent once the baby is born and if and when she screws up I will at least have that history there. I really hope that she doesn’t screw up. I’m not wishing anything bad for her. I wish she could get and stay clean and we could raise our child together and provide a normal, healthy family for her. That’s my wish and hope but I also know what’s more likely to be reality.

I’ve met with the attorney I previously consulted with an have a bad feeling. I’m going to consult with 2 other attorneys and see what everyone’s take is before making my next move. This lawyer I talked to yesterday was already getting into details about court battles and I felt he was overpromising things he can’t guarantee. My wife had a 20 week ultrasound today. Everything looks fine and normal with the baby. No abnormalities and on target size wise. It’s a girl. I’ve temporarily moved back into our home until I figure out the next steps. Living outside of our home could actually backfire on me with divorce and custody. My wife claims she plans to start an outpatient treatment program that she’s found near us. It’s at one of the centers she hasn’t tried yet (she’s been to rehab and to different treatment center multiple times). They will be starting a new session soon and will have spots opening up. She has a meeting to speak with a counselor there on Monday and has asked me to go along. I’ll go to support her, but I am still skeptical that she’ll follow through.

You’re right. I was not in a hurry to divorce, initially. I hadn’t even made the official decision to divorce until about 2 weeks ago, but I had met with a lawyer before then. I have told her that I’m divorcing her and will not go back on my word. I have an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the initial paperwork and next steps from there. He had also advised me of what I need to be doing at this time and for the remainder of this time when we’re sort of in limbo.

Everything you said about not being able to save her and no amount of anything on my part will bring her back, it’s very true and I say all the time that I know it’s true. But my actions usually say something else. It’s very hard to not find myself doing all of those things and I know in some ways I’ve inadvertently enabled her. She knows I’m planning to divorce her. She demanded to know about a week or so ago and finally I told her that yes that what I’m planning to do because I have no choice, no other way to protect the baby she wants to bring into the world so badly. She was understandably very upset, hung up the phone, and refused to respond to me all night and the next day. All I wanted to do was rush over to our house to make sure she hadn’t done something really stupid. It wouldn’t be the first time that I dropped everything to go find her and make sure she was alive. I can’t live that way anymore. I just can’t do it. It’s not healthy for me. It took everything in me to not go check on her. I can file for divorce now but the state won’t grant it until after the baby is born. Even then, it will take a very long time for me to learn healthy behaviors again and to not constantly be consumed by whatever she’s doing. I had two long term relationships with stable normal women before this. I know what it’s supposed to be like and the time spent apart from my wife has made me realize just how much I’ve allowed myself to be totally changed by staying in this situation for so long. I’m also angry and bitter and that was never me. I don’t want to be this angry guy anymore. I used to have fun and be fun and was happy and could relax every now and then.