My bf keeps saying that I’m “dating” my guy friend!!!

[SnoopKitten]

Hello everyone,

I’m here because I (19) need advice on my bf (21).  It’s a long term relationship (2 yrs) and we are very much in love.  We even have discussed marriage and I have no doubt he is my soulmate.  He treats me better than I could imagine and I can honestly say that he the closest thing to perfect.  🥰

The only problem I have with him is that he has SERIOUS trust issues.  This is because he was cheated on by both of his previous gfs, and I think he’s projecting that into our relationship.  I also think he’s a little insecure because while I’m a ‘10’ he is more like a ‘3’, ‘4’, or at best a ‘5’.  I think he feels inadequate when we’re out and guys are looking and even flirting with me, but I am always trying to reassure him and make him feel secure in our relationship.  I am very careful not to get too flirty with other guys and I constantly tell him that looks are not important to me (they really are not) and that he is the best guy I’ve ever known. But I think he still feels like he has to compete with other guys for my affection, even tho there is no way I’d ever think of cheating on him.

Lately, he’s been getting really jealous of one of my best guy friends (Jeff) who I’ve known since the 8th grade. He started asking me lots of personal questions about him about a month ago.  I was surprised because I keep my FB friend list private so I didn’t even know how he knew about him.  But he knew lots of details so I assume he’s been snooping on my phone.  This makes me really mad because we’ve had this conversation before and I’ve made it clear to him that I will respect his privacy and I expect him to do the same.  But I will not confront him right now because I have no proof.

I explained to my bf that Jeff is just an old friend and that our relationship is COMPLETELY platonic, but being such a jealous person of course he is suspicious and his constant questioning and insinuations are starting to get to me. 😒 I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my friend is better looking than him (a 7 or 8), and I think that makes him feel threatened. I’ve tried to reassure him over and over, even telling him that Alex is in a relationship, which would imply that he’s unavailable, but he still won’t trust me.

My background with Alex is that we were both on the debating team in high school and sometimes things got a little ‘heated’.  We became good friends and continued our friendship through college (we both attend the same uni). We’ve helped each other out a lot over the years, and he is currently kinda in a relationship with another girl and I was really happy for him.  When I told him about my bf, he was also very happy for me.  As he still lives closeby, we still occasionally meet up for coffee or drinks, usually with some of our other old friends, and talk about old times and our future plans.

I think that a big part of all this is simply that Jeff lives a lot closer to me than my bf does (10 min drive versus about a 30 min drive) so it’s a lot more convenient for me to get together with Jeff than it is my bf.  And because of our busy schedules he doesn’t get to see me as often as he’d like.  So he has the tendency to get REALLY angry whenever I can’t see him because I already made plans with Jeff.  He’ll want me to just cancel and go out with him instead but I don’t feel comfortable doing that to my friends.  Friendship is important to me and I’ve always said that I will not cut off friends over a bf.  He even insists that I quit seeing Jeff entirely, saying that it’s inappropriate to have opposite sex friends when you’re in a relationship, but I think that is unreasonable.  I know he has some female friends as well and I have never questioned him on that. And I don’t understand why anyone should be threatened over a friendship if you truly love your partner.  You don’t try to control those you love.

But what really makes me mad, and what prompted me to get advice, is this new tactic of his where he will say I am “dating” Jeff.  He will say things like ‘Ok, well enjoy your date with Jeff’ or ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were going on a date with Jeff tonite, will you be free tomorrow?’ or the next day he’ll say something like ‘So, how did your date with Jeff go?’  This really infuriates me!  I tell him that going out with a platonic friend is not a “date” and I think he knows the difference. But he says it “looks like” or “seems like” a date, so as far as he’s concerned it IS a date. 🙄

Last night we had the worst fight we ever had over this.  He asked me out to dinner but I already had made plans with Jeff and some of our friends.  We we’re going to see the new Top Gun and afterwards Jeff and I were going to check out this new club than opened next to it.  He said ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you already had plans. Well, enjoy your date with Jeff.’  And this after knowing how much that triggered me!  😡  We had a long argument with him ending the conversation saying something about how maybe he could ask this girl he knows if she wanted to go out tonite.  The next day he sent me a text asking “So how was your date last night?  Hope you had a good time.  Hey, i was thinking maybe you should just text me whenever you DON’T have a date with Jeff, so I don’t have to keep bothering you asking you out?  After 4 times in a row I just think it would be a lot easier”  This really gets to me.  He is trying to make me feel GUILTY just for going out with my friends! 😲

Well, I know for a fact that Jeff and I are not “dating” and are just friends because when we used to go out we would flirt, but since my bf and I got serious I have toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly.  He has no right to insinuate anything and even tho I love my bf I could see myself breaking up with him if he continues this, and last night I told him that.

This whole thing has me really stressed out right now. I really would like him to be able to just trust me and not be confrontational, but I think because of his past he is unable to do that. And I fear another bad argument coming because I’m seeing my friend tomorrow night!  What do you think I should do?

[greendots]

25 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

I think that a big part of all this is simply that Jeff lives a lot closer to me than my bf does (10 min drive versus about a 30 min drive) so it’s a lot more convenient for me to get together with Jeff than it is my bf.  And because of our busy schedules he doesn’t get to see me as often as he’d like. 

Therein lies your answer. You're spending more time with your friend than with your boyfriend. Rewritten, you're prioritising your friend over your boyfriend. Your partner shouldn't be playing second fiddle. Now, the fact that your boyfriend seems to get jealous quite easily, he doesn't seem to respect your privacy, and that he's asked you to cut off some friendships (e.g. Jeff) are red flags.

You say you're a bit of a flirt. Are you really? Or is this assessment based on your boyfriend's perception of you?

Edited June 18 by greendots

[Cherylyn]

Since your bf has major trust issues with you whenever you're with your male friends or make plans with them, then perhaps your bf was not meant for you long term including marriage in the future. 

When I was dating my husband exclusively and we discussed our future married life together, I didn't go out with male friends for dinner, clubs, drinks and the like but I'm more 'old school' in that way and I realize it's not for everyone.  Neither did my husband with female friends.   However, we socialized in groups with both males and females collectively.  He had his male friends whereas I had my female friends.  Between full time work and only having weekends, we didn't have time for a lot of spare friendship time outside our dating life. We went out to dinner, movies, socialized with friends at the lake, were invited to backyard barbecues, parks, went on outings, excursions and had the time of our lives. 

Engaging in heated arguments with your bf is abnormal.  Both of you should be in love; not at each other's throats.  🤬

Rethink this relationship and determine whether or not you wish for this jealousy type fight to repeat itself at every encounter or having you hear: "How was your date with Jeff?"  If you continue to feel irritated, then be with your male friends and the only way your bf won't be your problem anymore is if both of you are released from each other.  Both of you will have more freedom without arguments.

Your bf needs to work on his insecurity and jealousy issues.  Both of you are incompatible and being married to him will make you feel extra miserable.  If you think he's jealous of you now, it will be far worse when you become his wife! 🙁  He will treat you as if you're his property, become very possessive and controlling.  He will manipulate the marriage to his favor.  Just ask my sister because that's how her husband, my BIL (brother-in-law) treats her!  It's sick.  You never want to feel legally entrapped. 

[Tinydance]

Well my question straight away that popped up for me is, how much time are you spending with Jeff as compared to spending time with your boyfriend? I'm also of the belief that it's OK to have opposite gender friends but as long as you actually act like they are just friends and clearly showing that your partner is really your priority.

I mean, even in your post you wrote a few times something along the lines of: "My boyfriend wanted to see me but I already made plans with Jeff". Sounds like you have plans with Jeff all the time or something? Also when you're in a relationship your partner should be part of your life and join you in things you're doing. Not everything of course but there needs to be a good balance of spending time with friends and family and with your partner. 

For example, you were going to see Top Gun and go to a night club with Jeff. Your boyfriend was left at home sending you texts like: "I hope you're enjoying your date with Jeff". Clearly he was really upset. You knew how he feels about this so why couldn't he just come to see Top Gun and to the night club with you? Do you actually want your boyfriend to be part of your life and be in a couple? Or would you prefer to live a single life where you spend more time with your friends than him, don't include him and go to night clubs with other guys? 

I don't have a problem with my partner having opposite gender friends but I also don't want my partner to act like I don't really exist and they'd rather be somewhere else with someone else than me.

Also I understand you're 19 and you're young and having fun but usually people start cutting down on "single person" behaviours when they're in a serious relationship. For example, going clubbing without them (especially alone with another guy).

I'm not saying you need to completely stop doing anything you like but because you're in a relationship you should actually act like you're in one. For example, if you're going out with a group of friends you could ask your boyfriend to join you. Why are you going clubbing with Jeff when your boyfriend is sitting alone at home getting stressed out and miserable?

When you're in a relationship you're part of a couple, you're not alone. You also have the other person to consider and how it makes them feel. I understand you're not cheating but at the same time you also seem just focused on yourself. You want to go out with friends, you want to have fun, go partying. It seems all about you and you're just telling your boyfriend: "Well just deal with it". 

When I've been in relationships, we showed each other that we want each other around, want to be part of each other's lives, get to know each other's friends, things like that. Honestly if I had a partner that just keeps going out without me then I'd probably prefer to just be single because what's the point?

[HeartGoesOn]

With your boyfriend only being a "3 or 4", and your friend being a "7 or "8, and good looking", it's possible they're  both out of your league, especially with you being a "10."

Of course this wasn't your question, it's simply some food for thought.

[SooSad33]

43 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

I explained to my bf that Jeff is just an old friend and that our relationship is COMPLETELY platonic, but being such a jealous person of course he is suspicious and his constant questioning and insinuations are starting to get to me.

Honestly... do you expect this to change in him?

 

44 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

I think that makes him feel threatened. I’ve tried to reassure him over and over, even telling him that Alex is in a relationship, which would imply that he’s unavailable, but he still won’t trust me.

This IS a real problem.. as a healthy relationship NEEDS trust!  But, sadly, it's not there.

 

46 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

We’ve helped each other out a lot over the years, and he is currently kinda in a relationship with another girl and I was really happy for him.  When I told him about my bf, he was also very happy for me.  As he still lives closeby, we still occasionally meet up for coffee or drinks, usually with some of our other old friends, and talk about old times and our future plans.

I think that a big part of all this is simply that Jeff lives a lot closer to me than my bf does

No, a big part of this is... everything your BF doesn;t approve of.

He cannot control you on who you can hang with or talk to.

 

47 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

So he has the tendency to get REALLY angry whenever I can’t see him because I already made plans with Jeff.  He’ll want me to just cancel and go out with him instead but I don’t feel comfortable doing that to my friends. 

I can see a solution to this as spending less time to with Jeff and more with your actual BF... But, I do not like that he reacts in anger towards you. 😕 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

So let me get this straight.  If my then boyfriend (now husband) went out with his female friend for drinks, clubbing, dinners, etc while I was at home eating a bowl of popcorn watching TV, don't you think there's something wrong with this picture?  Why be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship if it isn't a normal girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with going out on dates, dinners, outings, movies, etc. together?  Isn't this the purpose of dating exclusively in the first place?  Two is company, three is a crowd.   

[SnoopKitten]

12 minutes ago, greendots said:

Therein lies your answer. You're spending more time with your friend than with your boyfriend. Rewritten, you're prioritising your friend over your boyfriend. Your partner shouldn't be playing second fiddle. Now, the fact that your boyfriend seems to get jealous quite easily, he doesn't seem to respect your privacy, and that he's asked you to cut off some friendships (e.g. Jeff) are red flags.

You say you're a bit of a flirt. Are you really? Or is this assessment based on your boyfriend's perception of you?

yeah I think you are right in that he probably takes this personally and feels second fiddle. He is really insecure because of his past relationships. but I try to make him feel secure and let him know he is my #1 priority. Which he is. I love him very much and he is an awesome bf, other than his insecurity issues, which I understand because of his past.  It just so happens that it's easier for me and Jeff to get together, so he ends up seeing me more than my own bf. but I see your point and so i have tried to reassure him by reminding him (over and over and over) that Jeff has a gf, and I've also promised him that I will try to cut back on my time with Jeff,  especially now that he has a gf. 

I agree that there are red flags with his jealous nature and trying to cut me off from a friend and especially with his snooping into my phone.  I really don't like the invasion of privacy.  But other than this he is the greatest bf ever and I was hoping he could learn to move beyond his past and put his trust in his SO.

As far as flirting, I guess I never thought I flirted that much but yeah, my boyfriend's does have a different pov on that and it may have affected me.  He has a lot more strict definition of it than me.  He says I'm flirting if I wear a short dress out or wear a body suit to the gym, or if I make eye contact with a guy, or touch a guy in any way, or even smile at them.  He is sooo strict on this!!!  What I call "being friendly" he calls "flirting".

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Your bf needs to work on his insecurity and jealousy issues.  Both of you are incompatible and being married to him will make you feel extra miserable.  If you think he's jealous of you now, it will be far worse when you become his wife! 🙁  He will treat you as if you're his property, become very possessive and controlling.  He will manipulate the marriage to his favor.  Just ask my sister because that's how her husband, my BIL (brother-in-law) treats her!  It's sick.  You never want to feel legally entrapped. 

Cherylyn, I honestly don't think we're incompatible.  We click on everything, the only problem is his controlling attitude and trust issues. Otherwise we get along great and have a loving relationship. I can tell he loves me.  He will do anything for me.  He's even helped me out financially quite a bit, without me even asking.  He is the best bf I've ever had BY FAR and I couldn't imagine losing him.  

But I understand what you are saying as far as us getting married.  I do not want to be the type of wife who is submissive and lets her husband bully her and control her.  I was hoping that with therapy and love my bf could learn to trust me and not worry about me cheating on him and not get jealous so incredibly easily and we could move past this.  He has seen a therapist after his last painful breakup.  He almost killed himself.  I was hoping that eventually he would heal from his past and understand that not all girls are like that, especially me.  I'm was hoping that 'time heals all wounds' and eventually he would learn to trust me.

But don't worry.  I would never actually marry him until we have worked this out.  I understand what you mean by "legally trapped" and I would never let that happen to myself.  In fact, that's why I'm here.  We have talked marriage recently and this is an issue I feel we must resolve if we are to move forward.

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

Cherylyn, I honestly don't think we're incompatible.  We click on everything, the only problem is his controlling attitude and trust issues. Otherwise we get along great and have a loving relationship. I can tell he loves me.  He will do anything for me.  He's even helped me out financially quite a bit, without me even asking.  He is the best bf I've ever had BY FAR and I couldn't imagine losing him.  

But I understand what you are saying as far as us getting married.  I do not want to be the type of wife who is submissive and lets her husband bully her and control her.  I was hoping that with therapy and love my bf could learn to trust me and not worry about me cheating on him and not get jealous so incredibly easily and we could move past this.  He has seen a therapist after his last painful breakup.  He almost killed himself.  I was hoping that eventually he would heal from his past and understand that not all girls are like that, especially me.  I'm was hoping that 'time heals all wounds' and eventually he would learn to trust me.

But don't worry.  I would never actually marry him until we have worked this out.  I understand what you mean by "legally trapped" and I would never let that happen to myself.  In fact, that's why I'm here.  We have talked marriage recently and this is an issue I feel we must resolve if we are to move forward.

I hope these jealousy, mentally unstable issues will be resolved.  While hopeful, at the same time, remain realistic.  He needs to sort himself out first before he can have a sound relationship with you; not trying to fix everything simultaneously which is himself and both of you in a relationship.  It's not healthy and it's not going to work.

He tried to kill himself?  He isn't in the right mindset to be in a relationship.  He needs to be psychologically well first and if he isn't, he'll only continue to drag you down.

Even though he helped you financially, the rest of him is sorely lacking.

He may be temporary for you.  I don't see him as long term nor marriage material.  Reevaluate and then make a choice whether or not he's for you.  Only you will know.

[SnoopKitten]

yes, Tinydance, I see what you're saying.  I have tried to put myself in my bf's shoes and I would also get jealous if my bf was spending a lot of time with a female friend while I was at home alone.  That is why I promised my bf I would try to cut back on my time with Jeff and spend more time with him.  It's nothing intentional on my part, it's just that with all of our schedules me and Jeff have more free time that overlaps (my bf works a lot) and he lives closer.  So yes, I end up seeing Jeff a lot more than my own bf.  But I am trying to plan it out better now so that it is more balanced and fair for both of them.  I even am going to try and alternate days if I can.

Now, as far as letting my bf join us goes, that is simply out of the question.  I'd like to see them become friends, that would obviously solve the problem.  But right now my bf hates this guy and I don't want a scene.  Plus, I don't think it would be fair to set Jeff up like that when he hasn't done anything wrong.  He is just a good friend and I don't think it would be right to possibly get him beat up just because my bf has trust issues. But I do hope someday that we can all be friends.

[SnoopKitten]

9 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He tried to kill himself?  He isn't in the right mindset to be in a relationship.  He needs to be psychologically well first and if he isn't, he'll only continue to drag you down.

Even though he helped you financially, the rest of him is sorely lacking.

Well, it was 4 years ago (his first gf) and he saw a counselor for like a year afterwards.  I think he has really come a long way but the problem is he still has trouble trusting and that sometimes plays out in him getting angry and jealous over the littlest things or trying to control me over fear of losing me.  

But otherwise I think he is a really good person and good bf.  He really isn't lacking in anything other than what I described here.  We just need to work on his bad temper and his trust issues, and I truly believe that love can overcome all things.   

[Cherylyn]

6 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

Well, it was 4 years ago (his first gf) and he saw a counselor for like a year afterwards.  I think he has really come a long way but the problem is he still has trouble trusting and that sometimes plays out in him getting angry and jealous over the littlest things or trying to control me over fear of losing me.  

But otherwise I think he is a really good person and good bf.  He really isn't lacking in anything other than what I described here.  We just need to work on his bad temper and his trust issues, and I truly believe that love can overcome all things.   

He has trouble trusting, gets angry and jealous over the littlest things, tries to control you, has a bad temper and trust issues.  Those are major problems.  Sorry, love does not overcome all things.  Love is blind. 

Be realistic.  If these problems continue to fester, your boyfriend is not a prize.  You can do better and you deserve better.

[lostandhurt]

Have you stopped to think your behavior has triggered your bf's insecurities? 

"I try not to be to flirty with other guys"  Why are you flirty at all if you are in a committed relationship?

"My bf is a 4 and my friend is an 8"   Don't you think your bf can sense that looks do matter to you on some level?

  I agree that if you are in a relationship then you should see your bf way more than your "friend"

By the way I know a lot of women think their "Old friend" is platonic but given the chance they would jump your  bones in a second.  Guys know how other guys think so if you think your friend hasn't thought of some way to get into your pants you are sadly mistaken.  It doesn't matter if you would never allow it, it matters that there is a guy wanting to get close to you and you spend a lot of time with him instead of your bf.

  Your bf has every right to be upset and if he came on here asking what to do (we have seen this before on this forum) most would tell him to dump you since you are not being very respectful to him or the relationship.

 This comes down to boundaries and choices.  If you want them both in your life then they need to meet sooner than later.

 I wonder how many of your friends your bf has met since you kept this one a secret???

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

How about turning the tables?  How would you feel if your boyfriend was very busy going out for coffee, alcoholic beverages, dinners, clubbing and movies with his female friends and you would have to resign yourself that this is the way it is?  Would this sit well with you?  If not, set YOUR priorities straight.  Make your boyfriend your priority or don't be in a relationship with him so both of you can have unfettered freedom.

[MissCanuck]

Oh, girl.

You're only 19. This boy is not your soulmate, and you don't really sound ready for a truly committed relationship. This is normal at your age, but it's unlikely this relationship will go the distance. 

Set yourselves free. This one is running its course. 

[Tinydance]

I think it's wrong your boyfriend tells you what to wear and if he went through your phone. However his other feelings aren't necessarily unfounded. You reassure him in words but those words don't match your actions. You see Jeff a lot more than him and go out a fair bit without him by the sounds of it. If you honestly love him then you need to show that. Not just say things but then when push comes to shove there's no difference in how you're actually acting.

When you're in a relationship, things do need to become a bit different because now you're not single anymore and include your partner in your life and at least some of your decisions. That's not to say that you need to cut Jeff off completely but you could just not see him as much or only see him in a group. Your boyfriend really should be more priority to you than your friends if you're supposed to be in a serious relationship and even talked about marriage.

If you would prefer to be in a polyamorous or open relationship where you can do whatever you want then that's fine but this is a monogamous relationship. That doesn't mean you ditch your friends but you probably need to adjust your behaviour. E.g. Not go clubbing or invite your boyfriend along to clubbing. You say you're a 10/10 so why would your boyfriend be cool with you clubbing when he's sitting at home and other guys are hitting on you? Think about it.

Edited June 18 by Tinydance

[SnoopKitten]

lost, yes I understand now that I triggered his insecurities without knowing it. I never really thought about it, but how that I've put myself in his shoes I can see why he would feel jealous and threatened.  He doesn't know Jeff or what a long and close friendship we've had, and with his trust issues he's probably assuming the worst.  That is why I am cutting back on the time I spend with Jeff and try to spend more time with my bf.  My only objection is him saying we're dating and insinuating things and making snide remarks when absolutely nothing is going on. 

And as for flirting, I already said I'm toning it down.  I don't really flirt that much but when I do it is never in front of my bf.  And I don't flirt to get another guy, I just like to play with them sometimes, lol.  so I see no harm in that.  if I did it in front of my bf, or if I was really trying to cheat, then yes i agree that would be a problem.

and I'm afraid you don't really know Jeff.  we have been good and close friends for a long time, it's like a brother-sister relationship. He is not interested in jumping my bones. yes I am a 10 and he is a 8 and so there will be temptation, but we respect each other way too much to screw up the others' relationship, and I think we are both mature enough not to want to screw up our own. but yes I understand how it might look to my bf so I will be cutting back on the one on one time with Jeff.  But we are not "dating" and I don't like my bf saying that. 

57 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

How about turning the tables?  How would you feel if your boyfriend was very busy going out for coffee, alcoholic beverages, dinners, clubbing and movies with his female friends and you would have to resign yourself that this is the way it is?  Would this sit well with you?  If not, set YOUR priorities straight.  Make your boyfriend your priority or don't be in a relationship with him so both of you can have unfettered freedom.

yeah cheryl I understand now.  I was being insensitive.  I did turn the tables and I see that I would probably be insecure too.  That is why I'm cutting back on seeing Jeff.  

I would not however, be mean, say nasty things, and insinuate that he's "dating" someone, at least not till I had proof, and he also hurt me by handling things that way.  I just wish he would communicate more and not bottle things up and then explode.  

[SnoopKitten]

35 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

If you would prefer to be in a polyamorous or open relationship where you can do whatever you want then that's fine but this is a monogamous relationship. That doesn't mean you ditch your friends but you probably need to adjust your behaviour. E.g. Not go clubbing or invite your boyfriend along to clubbing. You say you're a 10/10 so why would your boyfriend be cool with you clubbing when he's sitting at home and other guys are hitting on you? Think about it.

Well the reason I go out separately with my friends and my bf is because some of my friends are guys, and with my bf being so insecure, I thought it just best that way.  That is why my fb list is private.  He gets really jealous over nothing and has a terrible temper and I would be afraid of someone getting hurt if he hung out with us.  heck, I remember one day he almost started a fight with some guy over a hug!  granted, it was a long and cuddly hug (probably 20 seconds but my bf said a minute) because I hadn't seen this guy in like 2 yrs, but it was still ridiculous the way he responded. he got thrown out.  So you can see why I don't really want to include him every time I go out with my friends.  It's a little dangerous tbh.

[lostandhurt]

I can see now why you are dating a 4 in your words. 

You flirt with other guys while in a relationship. You like to play with them because you like the attention. You have more male friends (by a considerable amount) than female friends. You are clueless on what young men think.

If you were dating a guy on your level he would have dumped you long ago for the way you treat him so you date down because it gives you power over them.

Manipulating men because you are pretty is cruel.  You let them think one thing for fun but in reality you are just doing it for an ego boost and entertainment. 

  Unfortunately your bf will endure this treatment for some time but ultimately it will end with something drastic happening one day.

  You want to act single but have the security of a relationship but people are getting hurt because you want your cake and eat it too.

 I feel sorry for these male "friends" of yours which are not really friends, they are hanger ons just hoping for their chance...

  You may not want to hear any  of this but think about it just the same.  One day you will respect the man you are with and want to treat him right and that means not acting and treating him like you treat the men in your life right now.

Looks fade

 Lost

[Kwothe28]

I think you should date your friend. I mean, you think of your boyfriend so beneath you(3 out of 10 while you have a high 10 opinion of you, talk about narcissism) while you ignore him, think of more highly of your friend and even organizing full blown dates and hiting the clubs with him while ignoring boyfriend. So you clearly value friend more.

I mean, I am being sarcastic. But I can see why boyfriend is having troubles with your behavior. Not saying he is in the right because he has "demons" of his own regarding jealousy and trust. But what you are doing is not something out of healthy long term relationship book. For example, have you ever thought about inviting boyfriend along to go with you? Or was it too inconvinient for you to do it? Was there a reason he didnt know about the friend who you are hitting the clubs with until a month ago even though you are in a long term relationship? 

Just saying that none of those things would be an issue. In a long term healthy relationship. But you deliberately hid the friend you go out with from him, never even think about maybe proritizing boyfriend or just mixing them(which is a normal thing to do when you are in a relationship). And now you expect him to swallow all that and just accept it. He is maybe 3/10 so you maybe think he should because you are such a 10. But he at least has some self respect left not to do something that should be considered major red flag in dating. So, again, break up with the guy if you intend to behave like a single lady and dont expect from him to accept you going out with the guys you yourself consider better in terms of look or even hanging out.

edit Yeah, I forgot flirting. Again, why do you think anyone should be OK with your behavior? Is it because you are a 10? Yeah, sorry, not how it goes.

 

Edited June 18 by Kwothe28

[Andrina]

You're young and inexperienced in adult romance and so your belief in "love conquers all" is understandable, but know that it's not true. For your own good, throw that by the wayside and think more about must-needs in a relationship and dealbreakers.

You both are in the wrong in numerous ways, so it's no wonder this pimple of a relationship has popped.

You consider this Jeff to be your closest friend, and yet your bf hasn't met him? Highly unusual. And you say that in the past, things between you two became "heated." 

You like to downplay things like this so you don't have to admit any wrongdoing. I'm assuming 'heated' means that you made out.

IMO, once you've crossed that line, it's time to disengage from what used to be a friendship. Because no man with decent self-esteem will continue dating a woman spending one-on-one time with a man she once made out with. 

As for him, the one fact in itself to break it off is that he tries to control what you wear, plus stares at you like a stalker while he's with you in public to catch you in the crime of looking in the direction of another man.

I've witnessed couples like this and they've all ended in divorce. Save yourself this waste of time and heartache and end things now. You're not ready to be in a serious relationship. That's okay. Enjoy your freedom and with more experience and perhaps reading some books on how to be successful in a relationship, you will find success in romance. 

[smackie9]

You bf is jealous because that’s his personality. You can’t change his behaviour but you can change bfs. Tip: the guys that treat you way too good are the ones you need to worry about. They are usually very possessive and later become abusive. All that talk of marriage is just that…TALK. He’s saying things to have you believe you need him. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You both are in the wrong in numerous ways

I agree. Your boyfriend's behavior is bratty and childish. Raging is for toddlers who haven't yet learned to communicate. 

13 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

That is why I promised my bf I would try to cut back on my time with Jeff and spend more time with him.  It's nothing intentional on my part, it's just that with all of our schedules me and Jeff have more free time that overlaps (my bf works a lot) and he lives closer. 

"Overlapping free time" doesn't make it mandatory to hang out with Jeff. Each time you hang out with Jeff, you make a choice to hang out with Jeff. It's intentional. Don't be silly. 

Also, having a long, cuddly hugs with another guy in front of your boyfriend is a poor choice, period. 

[SnoopKitten]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I can see now why you are dating a 4 in your words. 

You flirt with other guys while in a relationship. You like to play with them because you like the attention. You have more male friends (by a considerable amount) than female friends. You are clueless on what young men think.

If you were dating a guy on your level he would have dumped you long ago for the way you treat him so you date down because it gives you power over them. 

Well I have been known to flirt, but there are lines I will not cross and I know I would never cheat on my bf, so I'm not sure what you are saying. I would never flirt with anyone else in front of him.  

I do seem to make friends easier with guys, but I honestly don't think it's because I like the attention. I just seem to get along better with guys.  My girl friends seem competitive and tend to gossip.  My guy friends seem more laid back like they just want to be friends and have fun.

As far as dating "down", well, I really don't care about looks that much so if I find a nice guy who treats me great like my bf, but who may not be that attractive, I call that dating "up" not "down".  I've found that more attractive guys tend to be less reliable and more likely to be cheaters.  I prefer a more ordinary looking guy who treats me like I'm special. It's not that I want power over them, it's just that I honestly find them to make better bfs.  

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You consider this Jeff to be your closest friend, and yet your bf hasn't met him? Highly unusual. And you say that in the past, things between you two became "heated." 

You like to downplay things like this so you don't have to admit any wrongdoing. I'm assuming 'heated' means that you made out.

IMO, once you've crossed that line, it's time to disengage from what used to be a friendship. Because no man with decent self-esteem will continue dating a woman spending one-on-one time with a man she once made out with.  

My bf never met Jeff because I generally haven't introduced him to any of my old friends from high school because a lot of them are guys and I knew he would get jealous and probably feel threatened given his nature.  I was trying to spare him (and myself and my friends) from all that.

By "heated" yes I mean we got a little too close.  We were sort of fwbs for awhile but it didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't interested in him that way and he told me the same.  Nothing serious we just made out and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed, but we both found the situation uncomfortable and decided to revert to being friends.  It was no big deal and there were never any real feelings of intimacy.  We were just young and horny and experimenting a bit, but once we realized we were not compatible for a relationship we both decided not to ever tell anyone because we didn't want this to affect our future relationships.  I don't feel like I need to share all this with my bf because it happened long ago and after 2 years I'm confident that Jeff and I are not going to succumb to temptation and screw up our relationships over a little sex.  So I cannot see how this could hurt my bf.  

but I do see why it's not right to spend so much more time with a friend than my own bf so I am going to try and balance out my time with them better.  A lot of the time Jeff and I will make plans for the next day after hanging out so he might end up getting me several days in a row and my bf gets left out. I'm trying not to do that now to give my bf more of a chance to make plans with me first.  At the very least I think this will help improve the situation even tho it will still be hard because of how often my bf is working.  which I feel guilty about because he needs to work a lot more overtime now after helping me out with my tuition and a new car.  But I'm confident I'll be able to juggle our schedules more effectively now that I'm more aware of the problem. 🙂

[Batya33]

I think if you two are that tempted to be sexual then it's not just a friendship and your boyfriend senses that.  Flirting -harmless flirting -is fine with anyone - I mean I harmlessly flirt/banter with girlfriends too.  And I've been in situations where the other person somehow thought I was interested and I wasn't flirting at all -and even mentioned my partner -so that can happen too.  You are crossing lines and playing with fire. 

You're spending too much time with a male friend where there is too much chemistry between you.  I've always had platonic male friends - last 40 years plus and yes I keep in touch with certain exes as does my husband.  He has platonic female friends. 

We've had one discussion in the 16 years we've been together (now married) where he felt I shouldn't hang out with a certain male friend in a certain context.  So, I didn't. (This discussion was wayyyy in the beginning of our dating relationship).

And the friend completely understood then went out of his way to befriend my husband when they met shortly after.  No arguments, no discussion other than my wanting to know what my husband was uncomfortable with.  When he told me - even though I thought it was a bit of a stretch - it was done -I cancelled that part of the plan.  Because my partner comes first and we have similar values and loyalty to each other.