My bf keeps saying that I’m “dating” my guy friend!!!

[Capricorn3]

I think at this point it's fairly safe to say it is clear you are going to continue doing what you're doing because as you have stated numerous times "it's immature to cut off friends", and "if you've got it, flaunt it" etc.  I'm not exactly sure what the point of this thread was as it's more than clear that you have no intention of listening to any advice and you have made up your mind to carry on as you always do.

Side note: One day all of this will come back to you.  Being so selfish and self-absorbed with no care how many people you hurt, is NOT an attractive trait.  It will come back to bite you.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

Well my experience has been that any guy who sees an attractive girl will stare and get a boner so what you are saying here would imply I could not have any guy friends or else perhaps I could wear a burka all the time, lol. And I don't understand why it would be mature to just cut off a close friend who has been there for you many times over a boyfriend. That seems immature to me. Something  an infatuated teenager would do, not a mature person. And I think my bf is immature to suggest it.  I would think that a mature couple would be able to discuss and work out appropriate boundaries without having to cut someone off. And no my bf would not stare at a family member, but yes he probably might stare a bit at a female coworker and that would not bother me at all (assuming he didn't act on it).

I see that a lot of people have had a problem with me saying that. I apologize if I came off as conceited, but honestly I was not trying to brag. I just brought it up because I think it's relevant. From watching other couples I noticed that when there is a big difference in looks, the less attractive one will usually get jealous and my theory was that is because it's so one sided.  Because when both are about equally attractive I notice that most couples won't get too jealous because they are also getting attention themselves and so they understand the others situation better and don't feel inadequate.  Because I'm a 10 and my bf a 4, and so he doesn't have this problem himself, he probably feels inadequate and threatened.  I honestly think the situation would be totally different if my bf also got as much attention from the oppositive sex as I do.  But yes I am a 10.

And I am not "desperate for attention".  You sound like my bf.  He says that because he thinks I dress too sexy but the truth is that I just dress like I do because I'm proud of my body and of how hard I work on myself to look so good. I've always said "if you got it, flaunt it", not for the attention but because you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. 

 

You mentioned the word boundaries and I think that word is very important. In my opinion you actually don't have boundaries. I think yes you're can have male friends but the boundaries need to be set and followed. In the example Batya gave, she has a male acquaintance but she knows his wife well too and talks/talked to his wife. So his wife knows about Batya, she's met her, it's not like Batya is a secret. You keep your male friends basically a secret by having your Facebook list on private and going out with them alone and not inviting your boyfriend.

Also Batya's conversations with her male friend were just platonic everyday conversations. Whereas your interactions with Jeff is going clubbing, where you're most likely getting drunk etc., you're dressed really sexy, Jeff is staring at you and has a boner. Do you see the difference? Batya's friendship with her male friend has boundaries to keep it purely just at friendship level, and yours crosses a line. Many lines, in fact.

I don't think that every single guy has a boner for every single woman all the time. There are guys who for example have a girlfriend and they respect the relationship and their girlfriend. So they don't go clubbing alone with other girls and stand there with a hard on. Also believe it or not attraction can actually be subjective. So not every guy is attracted to every single girl. Therefore he can still be friends with girls because he's not into them or trying to sleep with them.

I think you're just looking for excuses by saying: "Oh there isn't anything I can do, boys will be boys, they'll always have a boner for every girl so doesn't matter." You're actually in control of the whole situation here with Jeff and this is how you're letting it play out.

Also yes maybe your boyfriend is jealous coz "he's a 4" as you keep saying, but much more than that he actually HAS something to be jealous of, which is your behaviours. 

Also you said you're not looking for attention but you even contradicted yourself by saying: "Well if my boyfriend was hotter and getting more attention like me too then he wouldn't be as jealous". The thing is, when you're in a serious monogamous relationship with someone, technically you shouldn't care if you're getting attention or not and you shouldn't be trying to get it.

Personally I think you might be mistaken in thinking you really love your boyfriend or even might want marriage with him. Everything you're doing looks like you're not even really that into him and you would rather spend your time with other guys and be single.

Of course people are human and find different people attractive but you seem way more into Jeff physically as well as in general than into your actual boyfriend of two years. It doesn't even seem like you want him around. You went to see Top Gun with a bunch of friends and didn't invite him and then went clubbing with Jeff. You just left your boyfriend sitting alone at home. He sent you messages how upset he felt but you weren't bothered about his feelings at all and just focused on yourself, Jeff and having fun.

I don't think deep down you probably want to be in a relationship because you've come to the realisation that "you're a 10" and why be with your boyfriend when Jeff and other guys are out there trying to get with you.

[Batya33]

I know of many very attractive people who have low self esteem and get jealous at the drop of a hat.  It has a lot more to do with who you are on the inside than what you look like or what your partner looks like.  Perhaps given what you say you look like you get more male attention -men staring at your private parts, getting sexually excited around you - but the good kind of attention - the kind of attention that is from a man who wants to get to know you as a person not breasts and a cute behind - that kind of attention likely will elude you because people of character and integrity will notice how you just love being noticed for your physical features, and how you might tell yourself men are animals who can't help but stare at your 10 features but secretly you want that sort of attention.  The men who will want a partner for life will value someone who doesn't need attention to her physical features, isn't ranking his physical features, (it would never occur to her) and values humility over being in your face because wow she's a 10.

Want to know when I was hit on? When I was 42, 8 months pregnant (I'd gained over 30 pounds by that point although mostly up front), and wearing a lovely engagement ring.  He was waiting for popcorn in front of me at the movie theater, started chatting me up, flirting - handsome guy! - I made sure to have my ring hand showing, and the baby bump.  Didn't matter.  I didn't respond in the least but it's not unusual - people flirt with people they find attractive whether that person is attractive by some objective measure or otherwise.  No one who really loves you will ponder what rank you are or what rank he is in the way you describe it.  

[Andrina]

It's really crappy behavior to hide from your bf the fact that your friend is your ex-FWB. There are some things you shouldn't ethically keep from a partner, and this is one of them. You're not giving him the benefit of the truth so he can make a choice to date a woman who hangs out with an ex-FWB, or to dump her.

People end friendships all the time for various reasons, and this usually is because of maturity. They outgrow each other. The other person is toxic. And a variety of other reasons, including the reason that the friendship went into FWB territory, and now it's no longer a friendship and hanging out would sabotage attempts at having a serious boyfriend.

You're really selfish to hide important info from your bf. It benefits you, but not him. How you're behaving is showing what your priorities are, and it totally isn't your bf. If he could read what you've written, and also that you consider him a 3, do you really think he'd want to be with you?

The poor guy has no idea what's going on in your head, but we do. Please free him to be with someone who doesn't hide things from him and doesn't inspire valid jealousy. You'll be doing him a favor which he won't realize until he gets some needed space and distance from this fiasco.

[Rose Mosse]

Why don’t you date another “10”? Your bf and you sound mismatched. 

To someone on the outside, it looks very simple… you date less attractive partners to take advantage and manipulate a situation to your liking. It’s using someone else’s insecurities against them. You perceive them as less advantaged and may find them more endearing. Very creepy.

I think your boyfriend should dump you ASAP. It should have happened a long time ago.

As for Jeff, he’s a run of the mill ordinary low life guy who disrespects you and your relationship. There’s not much here that’s about friendship at all. He would never look at you like that if he respected you.

[SnoopKitten]

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's really crappy behavior to hide from your bf the fact that your friend is your ex-FWB. There are some things you shouldn't ethically keep from a partner, and this is one of them. You're not giving him the benefit of the truth so he can make a choice to date a woman who hangs out with an ex-FWB, or to dump her.

well at the time Jeff and I promised each other never to talk about it afterwards with anyone. we had almost screwed up our friendship, and we didn't want to screw up our future relationships. I also never told my bf any details because he hasn't asked.  I'm not sure that telling him everything right now would be a good idea.  it's too much too fast.

i'm also not really sure how important this is. we reverted to friends long before I started dating my bf (maybe 6 months) and no intercourse ever occurred. it was never serious just 2 friends experimenting and crossing lines that shouldn't have been crossed. it began innocently with some making out after parties but progressed to cuddling naked in bed and foreplay.  it was during this time that I considered Jeff as a partner but physically he was not my type and so we went back to being friends.  eventually Jeff kinda got in an on/off relationship with some girl and I was very happy that he found someone. It wasn't until Jeff got a gf that i actively looked for a bf.  I met my bf a few months later and it didn't take long for us to realize we were made for each other. and everything has been wonderful until he began questioning things and saying we are "dating".

39 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why don’t you date another “10”? Your bf and you sound mismatched. 

To someone on the outside, it looks very simple… you date less attractive partners to take advantage and manipulate a situation to your liking. It’s using someone else’s insecurities against them. You perceive them as less advantaged and may find them more endearing. Very creepy.

i don't know about all that but i will admit that I feel a bit more secure dating "average" guys. I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted.  they also seem entitled and are often losers, i even had to loan money to one of them. but the more average guys like my bf who don't have hoes throwing themselves at them will treat you like you're special. My bf values me and will do literally anything for me and I love him very much.  🥰

[indea08]

22 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

I don't know about all that but i will admit that I feel a bit more secure dating "average" guys. I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted.  they also seem entitled and are often losers, i even had to loan money to one of them. but the more average guys like my bf who don't have hoes throwing themselves at them will treat you like you're special. My bf values me and will do literally anything for me and I love him very much.  🥰

Ummm…do you not see that in your relationship, YOU’RE the “f*** boy”? You like to have other options (Alex), you take your boyfriend for granted (you completely disregard his feelings about your behavior with your friend), so maybe if you had less hoes around you you’d treat your bf like he’s special?

I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but you’re gonna lose a good guy if you keep rationalizing your actions. I think you should consider that you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. You don’t have to rush, it’s okay to enjoy being young and single and beautiful. But don’t drag him through it.

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

well at the time Jeff and I promised each other never to talk about it afterwards with anyone. we had almost screwed up our friendship, and we didn't want to screw up our future relationships. I also never told my bf any details because he hasn't asked.  I'm not sure that telling him everything right now would be a good idea.  it's too much too fast.

i'm also not really sure how important this is. we reverted to friends long before I started dating my bf (maybe 6 months) and no intercourse ever occurred. it was never serious just 2 friends experimenting and crossing lines that shouldn't have been crossed. it began innocently with some making out after parties but progressed to cuddling naked in bed and foreplay.  it was during this time that I considered Jeff as a partner but physically he was not my type and so we went back to being friends.  eventually Jeff kinda got in an on/off relationship with some girl and I was very happy that he found someone. It wasn't until Jeff got a gf that i actively looked for a bf.  I met my bf a few months later and it didn't take long for us to realize we were made for each other. and everything has been wonderful until he began questioning things and saying we are "dating".

i don't know about all that but i will admit that I feel a bit more secure dating "average" guys. I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted.  they also seem entitled and are often losers, i even had to loan money to one of them. but the more average guys like my bf who don't have hoes throwing themselves at them will treat you like you're special. My bf values me and will do literally anything for me and I love him very much.  🥰

I think you might need to start putting Jeff on the backburner. You don't have to delete and block him or anything but just start cutting down on your time with him. Maybe limit to once a fortnight or less. What are you up to in your life otherwise? Do you study or work? Do you have hobbies? All your free time doesn't have to be spent with Jeff. There are many other things you can do. Especially things and activities which actually involve your boyfriend. If you really care about him and love him then what you're doing with Jeff you should be doing with him. You should be going on a date with him for dinner, see Top Gun, to a bar/club. Not with other guys.

That's why people get into a relationship, to actually be with and spend their time with THAT person. There is no obligation to be in a relationship but if you're choosing to be in one then you need to make a conscious choice to stop acting like you're single. 

Also I find it surprising you think most girls are catty, fake, etc. I'm not sure if it's just the girls you've hung out with but I didn't have that experience. I'm female and sure now I'm 37 but I was a teenager and young person once lol I had some great female best friends when I was at school and through my 20's. In fact I should say have, not had. I have female friends from school I've known for over 20 years. I also have female friends I met in my late teens/early 20's. My best friends are basically mostly female. If you only found nasty girls then I think maybe you were looking for the wrong type of people. There are plenty of nice girls you could be friends with but maybe you just don't really want to?

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Ummm…do you not see that in your relationship, YOU’RE the “f*** boy”? You like to have other options (Alex), you take your boyfriend for granted (you completely disregard his feelings about your behavior with your friend), so maybe if you had less hoes around you you’d treat your bf like he’s special?

I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but you’re gonna lose a good guy if you keep rationalizing your actions. I think you should consider that you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. You don’t have to rush, it’s okay to enjoy being young and single and beautiful. But don’t drag him through it.

I was actually just literally thinking this lol

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I was actually just literally thinking this lol

^ You and me both, lol.

At this point all I see is a thread about an OP bragging about being so hot and being the biggest gift to mankind - and putting down her boyfriend and disrespecting him in every way by messing with her "hot friend".  Like RoseMosse mentions above, I too hope the boyfriend wakes up and dumps her. 

 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

i don't know about all that but i will admit that I feel a bit more secure dating "average" guys. I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted.  they also seem entitled and are often losers,

^ You do realise that you're actually describing yourself, right?

This is like beating a dead horse. I'm out.  Me thinks we're being played.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted.  they also seem entitled

Irony is grand. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

I've always said "if you got it, flaunt it", not for the attention but because you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. 

Wearing tawdry outfits is an accomplishment?🤔

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wearing tawdry outfits is an accomplishment?🤔

It's really funny and you know very real what you wrote.  It is an accomplishment to the OP when everything is so focused on sex and body type and physical features and rank with the age old huge mistake that this equates to sexual attraction - much less the kind that is lasting.  When a person is that focused as she is then it's all about the outer appearance and all about the lies those people tell themselves that chemistry and sexual attraction is that focused on physical features. 

Looks matter for sure.  To almost everyone who dates.  Men and women.  But chemistry and physical attraction -you can't look at "rank" for that or even physical features.  That's very different from arm candy or looking like arm candy or looking for a partner where he's your trophy or she is because of her looks. 

I did that in my 20s -dated a drop dead gorgeous hot guy and people would stare and yes sometimes seem to comment on how he was hot and I was..... not as much for sure.  Two things- I was 23 and wildly attracted to him and actually him to me (even with what I'm going to add later).  I was self conscious because he obviously was better looking than me.  One time a much more attractive woman lured him down to a beach when he was drunk and we were at a party.  Freaked me out. 

So that was in the early-mid 90s.  In 2003 10 years after we broke up (after he proposed, I declined) we met up for coffee and he came out to me as gay -which he'd repressed.  In 2008 we each got married to men.  Now it's 2022, we're in touch as friends, we're Faceboo friends. 

He married a really handsome guy, and now my ex is quite overweight and wrinkled, and still good looking but hidden behind being out of shape and his husband the same.  Not judging at all - but it's a story to heed -not that hot men are gay just that life happens, physical features fade or change, people take different paths whether it's pursuing a different life with the same gender or pursuing a partner who he/she is attracted to whether or not anyone else would find that person attractive -with no to little emphasis on any disparity of physical features. 

Your focus OP is going to be your undoing.  But please stop hurting others in the process (and yourself, but especially others). No one needs your charitable ideas of dating "beneath" you so you can feel superior in looks.  

[lostandhurt]

Wow just wow

Perhaps one day you will look back and cringe at the way you acted and thought.

If this is real which I hope it is not because if it is there is some poor guy out there being used for tuition, a new car and a safety net by an incredibly selfish 19 yr old.

I am out as well

Good luck OP

 Lost

[mical]

This is starting to remind me of a Kevin Samuels episode..

Im out as well!!

[Wiseman2]

[LootieTootie]

Wow this has gotten to be the most absurd post I've seen here (as mostly a lurker). Wait- there has been a few but this is up there for sure.

OP, be conceited and delusional all you want. At least, be a decent human being and let this poor boyfriend go. You don't deserve him. 

[boltnrun]

"I'm a 10, so it's not my fault guys check out my lady lumps even though I do choose to dress provocatively because what's the point of being a 10 if you can't flaunt it in front of men? And since my boyfriend is only a 3 or 4 he should be grateful I allow him to spend a few hours a week with me. And he should want to pay my tuition and buy me a car, because after all, he gets to hang out with a 10 sometimes (when I can drag myself away from Jeff, my hot 'former' FWB). And Jeff's girlfriend shouldn't come with us when we go out together because she makes it 'awkward' and I don't like competing for Jeff's attention. I should get all of it."

This is how you're coming across.

I truly hope you're not actually like this. I hope you're just feeling defensive because everyone seems to be slamming you. But this is a life lesson. Don't treat people poorly just because they're not as physically attractive as you happen to be. Some day you won't be a '10' anymore and if you aren't a legitimately nice person there won't be anyone left who wants to be your friend. 

If you want to go out with other men in any capacity, go ahead and break up with your boyfriend. Single life can be a lot of fun! You're young and in college. It's OK to play the field and enjoy yourself as a single lady.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.