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My bf keeps saying that I’m “dating” my guy friend!!!


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15 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Also, having a long, cuddly hugs with another guy in front of your boyfriend is a poor choice, period. 

yeah especially when i know how anal he is about another guy so much as touching me. I wasn't thinking. I was so excited to see this guy that I just kind of reacted. We were also at a water park so I was in a swimsuit and I don't think that helped the situation.  

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14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you two are that tempted to be sexual then it's not just a friendship and your boyfriend senses that.   

I really don't understand why two people can't be friends even if there is some sexual attraction.  I mean, isn't there always some attraction between people of the opposite sex? What you are saying then is that a guy and girl can never be friends, only boyfriend-girlfriend.  I don't see why they can't be friends as long as their actions are appropriate.  you can't control feelings but you can control actions.

but I think you are right that my bf probably senses things and I think that's a big part of the problem.  He either is afraid that I can't control myself, which imho is ridiculous as he knows I'm not a hoe, or maybe he's just jealous because he knows I'm probably more sexually attracted to Jeff than him even tho I love him and not Jeff.  Lately I've been of the opinion that the real problem isn't that he doesn't trust me (because I've proven that) but just that he's jealous because my friend is an 8 and he a 4.  even tho I've made it quite clear to him that looks are not that important to me in a relationship.  I think it's an ego thing (you know how the male ego can be)

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28 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

I really don't understand why two people can't be friends even if there is some sexual attraction. 

This is your youth and inexperience speaking. It is generally not very respectful to one's partner to be buddies with someone you're sexually attracted to. Someday when you have a boyfriend who is good friends with a girl he finds sexy...you will get it. 

28 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

isn't there always some attraction between people of the opposite sex?

Certainly not in my experience, no. I have a couple good guy friends I am not at all sexually attracted to. 

28 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

even tho I've made it quite clear to him that looks are not that important to me in a relationship.  I think it's an ego thing

It's not just an ego thing. It's also about having a girlffriend who has more appropriate boundaries with dudes she's attracted to, and conducts herself in a manner that is more in line with a commitment to the relationship. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, SnoopKitten said:

We were sort of fwbs for awhile but it didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't interested in him that way and he told me the same.  Nothing serious we just made out and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed, but we both found the situation uncomfortable and decided to revert to being friends. 

Is this the same guy?:

 

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1 hour ago, SnoopKitten said:

I really don't understand why two people can't be friends even if there is some sexual attraction.  I mean, isn't there always some attraction between people of the opposite sex? What you are saying then is that a guy and girl can never be friends, only boyfriend-girlfriend.  I don't see why they can't be friends as long as their actions are appropriate.  you can't control feelings but you can control actions.

but I think you are right that my bf probably senses things and I think that's a big part of the problem.  He either is afraid that I can't control myself, which imho is ridiculous as he knows I'm not a hoe, or maybe he's just jealous because he knows I'm probably more sexually attracted to Jeff than him even tho I love him and not Jeff.  Lately I've been of the opinion that the real problem isn't that he doesn't trust me (because I've proven that) but just that he's jealous because my friend is an 8 and he a 4.  even tho I've made it quite clear to him that looks are not that important to me in a relationship.  I think it's an ego thing (you know how the male ego can be)

I didn’t write that.  I wrote that if the attraction is that strong that you are having to resist strong temptation that’s too much.  And yes many straight people are not romantically attracted to each other.  And yes many people can be platonic friends even if there is some attraction they choose not to act on. I think you need to work on self control and behaving appropriately.

 For example during this pandemic I’ve had to refrain from hugging friends or standing close to people.  It simply takes a bit of awareness and planning and controlling impulses.  


I’d be incredibly annoyed if my husband hugged a woman close who was wearing a swimsuit or similar clothing.  I trust him and that would be inappropriate. 

I think you’re off base in your assessment of some silly ranking of attractiveness   My husband has colleagues who are more attractive than I am- always has always will  same for me   It’s irrelevant   If two people choose each other and trust each other it doesn’t matter if on some objective scale other people in the world are better looking   That matters I suppose to modeling agencies and people looking for arm candy but not to adults who are in committed serious relationships  

I don’t think you’re into your boyfriend enough or not ready for the excitement of a serious relationship   You find male attention from an 8 more exciting - when it means you can flirt and test boundaries and have someone else “jealous “ - than having the steady and stable attention of a partner who wants you - inside and out whether you’re an 8 or a 10 or a 3 

 

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SnoopKitten, I can't help but think there is so much more to this.  Judging from your other posts, you have some serious trauma that you haven't healed from yet.  SO much to handle for someone so young.  If I were your parent, I would make sure you got top quality physical and mental health care, maybe even an extended stay somewhere away from all potential romantic relationships (I would start by going on a big ole girls' trip to a spa somewhere far far away where we would bond and come up with a healing plan).  You could probably stand some self care, self love, and self acceptance.  Flirting with randoms or fighting with bfs over their jealousy of friends or fwbs is just a distraction from the stuff that really matters:  you and your life, what is best for you in the long run (not just what feels good this second or minute).

But... since I'm not your parent, the only thing I can offer you is my experience/tale of woe:  I was raped more than once in my youth, and it scarred me tremendously.  In the aftermath, I did not treat myself with value, I allowed others to use me, and I degraded myself because I believed somehow I deserved the treatment (and didn't have an adequately healthy support system at that time to persuade me otherwise).  I did not feel worthy.

It took a long time, and a lot of therapy, to learn to trust again.  And I still struggle with self worth, even closing in on 60.  But all that self work gave me an amazing career, a wonderful husband of 25+ years (yes, even tho we are in the middle of a divorce I am still proud of our long run, and a lovely independent and fulfilled offspring).

SnoopKitten, I urge you to start thinking about who and how you want to be in the future, what your dreams are (independent of any relationship) for your life ahead, what matters to YOU.  Start to focus on those.  Get counseling and a healthy support system, stat.  Like many others said, block anyone who tries to change your mind about things you firmly believe.  Learn to set and enforce boundaries.  Get meaningful work.

I sincerely hope you accept our suggestions in the spirit in which they are meant, which is with love and caring for another being.  You came to the right place... a bunch of whisperers here... <3<3<3

 

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21 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

Lately, he’s been getting really jealous of one of my best guy friends (Jeff) who I’ve known since the 8th grade.

You've been in this relationship for 2 years, and you say that 'lately' he's been getting jealous.

So what has changed lately that would prompt jealousy now rather than a year ago, or 2 years ago?

Also, why keep turning down BF instead of inviting him into your friend group? Going to see a movie doesn't need to be exclusionary, does it?

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Well the issue is if both you and your boyfriend continue to act the way you do, this relationship just isn't going to work. Relationship is based on trust and you guys don't actually have that. The trust is lacking on both sides. Each person needs to stop acting self absorbed and trust their partner.

For example, your boyfriend doesn't trust you with other guys, so he tells you what to wear, maybe checks your phone and tries to micro manage you out in public. But you're actually creating a vicious cycle and making his jealousy worse.

You know how he feels but you don't try to make him feel any better, in fact you're making him feel worse. You hide your Facebook friends list, didn't introduce him to any of your friends, go out with Jeff all the time, go clubbing with other guys. You're just always adding fuel to the fire and one day it's all going to blow up.

One thing that's important in a relationship is honesty and respect and I don't think that you really respect your boyfriend that much. You say that looks don't actually matter to you. If they really didn't matter to you, you probably wouldn't keep mentioning it. You've mentioned a few times now: "I'm a 10, Jeff is an 8 or 9, my boyfriend 3 and 4." First of all, I think that's shallow to just call people numbers. People are all different and look different. Most people aren't gorgeous but are just OK/average. I think it's rude to be like: "This person is a 3 or 4". Well they're just average then, right? But by saying "they're 3 or 4" you're looking at that person from a shallow perspective and judging them. It seems to me from your post that you actually are a bit shallow because you discussed looks many times and it also sounds like maybe you think you're doing your boyfriend a favour by dating him coz "you're a 10".

The thing is it doesn't matter if you're a 10 because guys can still find another girl who treats them with honesty and respect. Most people are average and everyone can find someone. So don't think that just because you're attractive you can get away with this kind of behaviour forever. 

Some guys and girls can be just friends but only if both people aren't attracted to each other. In this case I guarantee Jeff is attracted to you and you probably are to him too. I mean, you called him an "8 or 9" so obviously you think he's hot.

Hardly anyone is going to put up with their girlfriend hiding their friends from them, always going out with a got guy who was her FWB, not including them in her life, and considering herself "the hot one" in the relationship. 

Personally I think unless you significantly cut down on hanging out with Jeff and maybe even some of those other guys, your relationship isn't going to work. And your male friends are probably attracted to you, I guarantee you that. I only had a few male friends (now even less) and they all wanted to either hook up with me or date me. The only one that only wanted real platonic friendship is gay lol

 

 

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20 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

yeah cheryl I understand now.  I was being insensitive.  I did turn the tables and I see that I would probably be insecure too.  That is why I'm cutting back on seeing Jeff.  

I would not however, be mean, say nasty things, and insinuate that he's "dating" someone, at least not till I had proof, and he also hurt me by handling things that way.  I just wish he would communicate more and not bottle things up and then explode.  

If you don't want him to say you're dating Jeff, then go out with your boyfriend more or spend more time together at the movies, clubbing, dates, dinners and do what normal couples in a relationship do. 

People usually explode when their patience runs out.  Don't test people and they won't have a reason to get angry in the first place. 

If both of you are arguing about this now, then this problem will not go away and it's better for both of you to go your separate ways so both of you can do as you please without any contention.

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I want to thank everyone for trying to talk some sense to me. I know I'm a lot younger and more inexperienced than most of you, so I should listen.  I think some of the replies have been a bit harsh, but I guess that's what I need right now.  I do see that I have been inconsiderate of my bf and I need to work on that. I am going to talk to my bf tomorrow and try to seriously address all his concerns, however I will not be completely cutting anyone out of my life because i don't think that's appropriate, even if you are in a committed relationship. 

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Does Jeff's girlfriend come along when the two of you go out together?

only once. it was a little awkward and I think both me and her kinda felt like a third wheel at various times. It also seemed like we were sort of competing for his attention so I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it again. I'm not sure what their relationship is, Jeff hasn't told me a lot of details yet, but I think they are basically fwb? based on what I've heard. But I'm happy that I met her because it was confirmation for me that Jeff and I are only platonic as I was not really very jealous of her at all. 

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn’t write that.  I wrote that if the attraction is that strong that you are having to resist strong temptation that’s too much.  And yes many straight people are not romantically attracted to each other.  And yes many people can be platonic friends even if there is some attraction they choose not to act on. I think you need to work on self control and behaving appropriately.

I’d be incredibly annoyed if my husband hugged a woman close who was wearing a swimsuit or similar clothing.  I trust him and that would be inappropriate. 

I do agree with you that the attraction thing is a problem. I'm painfully aware of it as I still catch Jeff staring at my butt or my breasts a lot and I can tell he sometimes gets really horny when we're together (I've caught him with a boner many times 🥵).  But I feel our friendship is mature enough to handle this. We both know we don't want to mess up our friendship or our relationships and we are committed to each other on that. I know this and Jeff knows this. And I am working on the self-control to help alleviate any temptation.  Like I said, I have really toned down on the flirting and try to only act friendly when we're together.

And yes, I understand the hug was wrong. He was sitting and when I saw him I was so surprised and happy to see him after so long that I just jumped on him and started hugging and cuddling him. After about 30 seconds I realized I was out of line and immediately got off him. I was just so excited to see him that I just reacted without thinking.  But I did apologize to my bf afterwards.

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

It seems to me from your post that you actually are a bit shallow because you discussed looks many times and it also sounds like maybe you think you're doing your boyfriend a favour by dating him coz "you're a 10".

Some guys and girls can be just friends but only if both people aren't attracted to each other. In this case I guarantee Jeff is attracted to you and you probably are to him too. I mean, you called him an "8 or 9" so obviously you think he's hot.

Personally I think unless you significantly cut down on hanging out with Jeff and maybe even some of those other guys, your relationship isn't going to work. And your male friends are probably attracted to you, I guarantee you that. I only had a few male friends (now even less) and they all wanted to either hook up with me or date me. The only one that only wanted real platonic friendship is gay lol

Tiny, I only brought up the looks thing because I think it's a factor in why my bf gets so jealous of Jeff.  I just honestly feel that if me or Jeff were a 4 or 5 then my bf wouldn't feel so threatened. But in no way do I think I'm doing my bf a favor by dating him.  He is a great bf and I'm with him because I know he loves me.

And yes I admit I find Jeff kinda hot. I've even admitted that to my bf. And yes I'm painfully aware that Jeff is still VERY much attracted to me. But I don't understand why you still can't be friends with someone like that. As long as you keep it under control and don't cheat I can't see giving up a long and close friendship over the FEAR that something MIGHT happen, especially if you KNOW that nothing won't. I know for sure I'm not going to cheat on my bf so I see nothing wrong with my friendship with Jeff. 

And I completely agree with your last point. That is why I'm going to talk to my bf and see about adjusting our schedules so that I can spend more time with him and less with my other friends. I will also remind him that Jeff is in a relationship, which not only means he has nothing to worry about but which will also give me an added motivation to cut down on my time with him.

I'll let everyone know how it goes.  And again, thx for all the tough love. I really needed it! 🙂

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7 minutes ago, SnoopKitten said:

And yes I admit I find Jeff kinda hot. I've even admitted that to my bf

With age you will learn discretion too. Be careful what you divulge even if it's true.

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On 6/18/2022 at 2:03 AM, SnoopKitten said:

The only problem I have with him is that he has SERIOUS trust issues.  This is because he was cheated on by both of his previous gfs, and I think he’s projecting that into our relationship.  I also think he’s a little insecure because while I’m a ‘10’ he is more like a ‘3’, ‘4’, or at best a ‘5’. 

Your boyfriend doesn't have trust issues.  You have issues in rating him against other guys and continuing a friendship with someone you not only admit is hot, but know full well wants to be more than friends (you mentioned his staring and boners).  The problem here is your inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour.  You may see yourself as a 10, but if you were to be evaluate on conduct rather than looks, you'd be a lot less.

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4 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Your boyfriend doesn't have trust issues.  You have issues in rating him against other guys and continuing a friendship with someone you not only admit is hot, but know full well wants to be more than friends (you mentioned his staring and boners).  The problem here is your inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour.  You may see yourself as a 10, but if you were to be evaluate on conduct rather than looks, you'd be a lot less.

^ Second this post in its entirety.

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Regarding jealousy…

There is a positive form of jealousy that is essential to relationships.

If a husband would say to his wife, “it’s ok you can have a boyfriend”, he’s no husband and that is not a marriage and that is not a relationship.

So in a sense of course you have to be jealous. 

Where there is love there is jealousy just like where there is love there is fear - when you have something precious, there is the fear of losing it and jealousy when it is compromised.

(Just like anger can be terrible, but if it is moral outrage then it is very good. If you are not upset when something is immoral, then you don’t have a moral impulse.)

if a husband spends so much time at work and out drinking with the ‘hot new girl’ from the office that he is never at home - his wife shouldn’t care? That shouldn’t  bother her?  Of course it should..

Anyway, I’d suggest being more sympathetic and understanding to your boyfriend’s feelings. If his feelings don’t matter to you, then I would consider ending it..

 

 

Edited by mical
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2 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

I still catch Jeff staring at my butt or my breasts a lot and I can tell he sometimes gets really horny when we're together (I've caught him with a boner many times 🥵).

2 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

I'm painfully aware that Jeff is still VERY much attracted to me

Do you enjoy this?

 

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4 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

I do agree with you that the attraction thing is a problem. I'm painfully aware of it as I still catch Jeff staring at my butt or my breasts a lot and I can tell he sometimes gets really horny when we're together (I've caught him with a boner many times 🥵).  But I feel our friendship is mature enough to handle this. We both know we don't want to mess up our friendship or our relationships and we are committed to each other on that. I know this and Jeff knows this. And I am working on the self-control to help alleviate any temptation.  Like I said, I have really toned down on the flirting and try to only act friendly when we're together.

All of this means this is way beyond the line of an appropriate platonic relationship.  Way.  Being mature means if you are in a committed relationship you are mature enough to walk away from a man who gets an erection around you and stares at your private parts.  Would he do that to a female coworker, his sister, his female cousin?

Once you need to go so far as to "commit" to not crossing the line with a "friend" you already should know it's way crossed the line.  Because platonic friends who are not blind (meaning they notice the other has an attractive appearance, or when the friend has gotten a cute new hairstyle) have no reason to need any commitment -it's a given that even if in passing they might notice the attractive appearance it would never ever require resisting real temptation.  Ever. 

My platonic friend and I (who I never dated although he asked me out when he first met me in 1994 in school -I said no) send each other family photos (neither of us post photos on facebook -so this is in text or email) - many contain photos of us - the last one I sent was me in a fancy dress at a family celebration - and the responses are typically "you all look great!" or sometimes "you haven't aged a bit!" (we're in our 50s).  His wife is not part of these texts.  But I would feel 100% comfortable if she saw them, if she saw that we were sending family photos back and forth when we had celebrations/milestones. My husband knows and likes him, I know and like his wife (although we're acquaintances not friends). 

You know how I know also it's ok -examples like this - because when he was in a bad car accident 15 years ago and hospitalized his wife called me- reached out to me -for help in getting some paperwork to the hospital, for help in other logistics that I could do from my office.  She called me. I did my utmost to help and comfort her.  We're not even good friends but obviously she knows I have her back and her family's back.  No concerns about crossing lines.  That's a friendship.  What you have is playing with fire and you're lapping up the attention from his erection.  Ick.

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43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Being mature means if you are in a committed relationship you are mature enough to walk away from a man who gets an erection around you and stares at your private parts. 

Yes. 

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What makes you think you're "a 10"? Dudes who buzz around and want to get in your pants is not an indication of your hotness, it's an indication of their horniness. You seem quite desperate for attention.

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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

All of this means this is way beyond the line of an appropriate platonic relationship.  Way.  Being mature means if you are in a committed relationship you are mature enough to walk away from a man who gets an erection around you and stares at your private parts.  Would he do that to a female coworker, his sister, his female cousin?

Well my experience has been that any guy who sees an attractive girl will stare and get a boner so what you are saying here would imply I could not have any guy friends or else perhaps I could wear a burka all the time, lol. And I don't understand why it would be mature to just cut off a close friend who has been there for you many times over a boyfriend. That seems immature to me. Something  an infatuated teenager would do, not a mature person. And I think my bf is immature to suggest it.  I would think that a mature couple would be able to discuss and work out appropriate boundaries without having to cut someone off. And no my bf would not stare at a family member, but yes he probably might stare a bit at a female coworker and that would not bother me at all (assuming he didn't act on it).

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What makes you think you're "a 10"? Dudes who buzz around and want to get in your pants is not an indication of your hotness, it's an indication of their horniness. You seem quite desperate for attention.

I see that a lot of people have had a problem with me saying that. I apologize if I came off as conceited, but honestly I was not trying to brag. I just brought it up because I think it's relevant. From watching other couples I noticed that when there is a big difference in looks, the less attractive one will usually get jealous and my theory was that is because it's so one sided.  Because when both are about equally attractive I notice that most couples won't get too jealous because they are also getting attention themselves and so they understand the others situation better and don't feel inadequate.  Because I'm a 10 and my bf a 4, and so he doesn't have this problem himself, he probably feels inadequate and threatened.  I honestly think the situation would be totally different if my bf also got as much attention from the oppositive sex as I do.  But yes I am a 10.

And I am not "desperate for attention".  You sound like my bf.  He says that because he thinks I dress too sexy but the truth is that I just dress like I do because I'm proud of my body and of how hard I work on myself to look so good. I've always said "if you got it, flaunt it", not for the attention but because you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. 

 

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1 hour ago, SnoopKitten said:

Well my experience has been that any guy who sees an attractive girl will stare and get a boner so what you are saying here would imply I could not have any guy friends or else perhaps I could wear a burka all the time, lol.

Actually no and how offensive to men -do you rudely stare at attractive men you don't know? Men are people and some people have manners and self control and others don't.  So a man who wants to behave appropriately in public won't stare at a woman's private parts.  Some people choose to control urges and impulses and others don't.  Nothing to do with gender.  If you truly want platonic male friends I'd lose the attitude that all men who see a woman they find attractive will stare like that.  People of character and integrity don't do that.  

Don't cut off close friends.  He's not a close friend because he's not supportive of your relationship with your boyfriend if he's openly staring at your private parts and giving you a big hug in front of your partner when you're wearing a swimsuit.  He's hoping you'll be unable to resist your strong temptation to be with him and have sex with him.  That's not what a close friend does.  That's what a man who's attracted to a woman that strongly does.  

If you want to be mature stop lying to yourself about what's really going on here and have appropriate boundaries from now on. If you want to be in touch with your friend limit it to phone calls unless you're on a double date or in a large group.  And if you catch him again staring at your private parts know that he is crossing boundaries and being disrespectful.

Would you be ok with your boyfriend ogling other women's private parts when he's on a date with you and then displaying his boner? Really?

I know many many men who are not objectively attractive and get tons of attention from women because they have charisma and sparkle and light up a room (just like women who aren't objectively attractive).  Your mindset is quite narrow indeed.

Edited by Batya33
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