Should I go to the wedding?

[Tinydance]

I know this is a bit of of a weird and unusual situation but bear with me please. 

Just right before the COVID pandemic started, I went to a friend's Birthday party and I met this engaged polyamorous couple. I'll call them Rick and Jodie. They added me on Facebook and I started chatting to them mainly on Facebook Messenger. They weren't really friends but more like acquaintances. I only hung out with them once at their place watching horror movies and went to a couple of their parties. I think I also saw them at some events or other people's parties.

They also invited me to their engagement party but due to many strict COVID lockdowns in my city, they had to reschedule the engagement party three times. This may also be kind of relevant to what I'll say later. Jodie really struggles with some mental health and physical health issues. She was sexually abused as a child by her Uncle and has Disassociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), depression, anxiety. Rick is on the autism spectrum.

A bit over two years after meeting Rick and Jodie, I met Colin* who is now my partner of a few months. I did know him in the past a long time ago but briefly and then lost touch. So one time I was scrolling Facebook even before Colin and I were dating and I saw through Facebook photos on Colin's profile that he actually used to be married to Jodie. I saw their wedding photos and so on.

I talked to Jodie about it and she said that Colin is such a good guy, she only has good things to say about him and now he's like a brother and good friend to her. They separated five years ago and Colin said he sees her as a good friend and family too.

They were together for quite a number of years and I know through Colin that they had a lot of issues due to Jodie's bad mental health and she also cheated on him. I didn't care though because it's nothing to do with me. I wasn't jealous they're friends coz I could see it was well over and I'm friends with one of my ex's as well.

Anyway this brings to the current issue. Jodie and Rick just recently had their engagement party. Jodie actually invited Colin to come and said we should go together as a couple. She asked Colin on his way there to pick up two of her friends/guests and also to drive them home at the end. Which he did and it added like at least an extra 45 minutes onto his trip home. Which was already at least a one hour drive. I wasn't actually able to come to the engagement party because I was really unwell.

I'll also add that Colin and Jodie weren't officially divorced because Jodie had promised to pay for the divorce and do the paperwork, but she never did. Recently she did finally put it all through, with push from Colin and Rick's parents.

Anyway so the other day I get this message on Facebook from Rick:

"Just need to bring something up. Hope you're doing okay, we missed you at the engagement party. We would still love for you to attend our wedding if available. However, if you want to bring a plus one, we just want to ask you not to bring Colin. Because of his history with Jodie, I feel it may make people uncomfortable, as it did make a few people uncomfortable with him being at the engagement party. So you are welcome to bring someone else, but yeah, it might be for the best Colin doesn't come to the wedding.

Sorry to make things awkward, we just think it's for the best as we want our special day to be drama-free as possible.

Colin was telling people at the engagement party that he is Jodie's soon-to-be ex husband which made people feel uncomfortable. And it really upsetted one person who wanted to confront Colin after he said that. So that's why it's best for Colin not to be at the wedding. We are happy with you coming but we don't want him there. Hope you are doing okay and Jodie and I are sending love and support your way."

I asked what should I tell Colin? And Rick just said: "Well you can tell him whatever but we don't want him there". 

I want to add also that Colin also has high functioning autism but he's the sweetest and nicest guy. In fact he's too nice and soft. Colin's perception of the engagement party was that it went really well and he said he had a great time and everything was good. He also gave Rick and Jodie a nice card with a really nice message.

I agree maybe he shouldn't have said he was Jodie's ex husband but a very large number of people already knew. Jodie's parents and a lot of Jodie's friends and family who were at their wedding knew anyway. 

Of course this is their wedding and it's their choice so all I said was: "OK I will tell Colin this" and I told him. 

I'm going to be honest though, I'm feeling really angry. Jodie is meant to be Colin's good friend and like family still but she didn't even message him herself. Also they put me in a really uncomfortable position, making me tell Colin and putting me in the middle. This is also after Colin had been wonderful to Jodie throughout their marriage and even afterwards. And he picked up some of their party guests and drove them home.

I'm feeling like I should just not go to their wedding? But Colin also told me that Rick's parents are traditional and they're paying for the wedding, so Colin thought maybe it was the parents that also felt uncomfortable about Jodie's ex husband being there.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention to question or challenge their decision. I'm just wondering if I should do what I have control over.. And that is not to go to their wedding.

[melancholy123]

Wow too much drama.  I'd skip this wedding if I was you.

[greendots]

If my hypothetical BF had been legitimately uninvited somewhere (like, because he made people feel uncomfortable), I wouldn't attend said event. My loyalty is first and foremost towards him, not to whomever uninvited him. As usual, there surely must be some exceptions.

Well, I believe in the whole prioritizing your LTR / marriage.

 

[LikeWater]

I think what she did is crappy but you also said she has multiple personalities.  If that's true, it's hard to put blame on her when she's being this way.  One of her personalities might be an awful person while the others aren't.

But to answer your question, you should only go to the wedding if you and your partner want to.  You have no obligation to attend even if people like to think otherwise.  Not attending may even give you a better sense of whether this is a friendship worth keeping, depending on how she reacts.  

You can put to test her statement regarding Colin, but it's also hard to say with her disorder.  Disorder or not, it's up to you whether the friendship is worth it regarding your own well-being.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. I'd consider myself as having outgrown these people. We weren't close anyway, and the whole thing is too weird for me.

I'd RSVP my regrets and skip it.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds more to me that Rick himself feels threatened and doesn't want Colin around stealing the show at the wedding. Rick will be Jodie's new husband and having an ex-h there sort of spoils things. Colin may know Jodie the longest and better than anyone else and he also forgave her and is able to be friends with her despite her cheating and other issues. And on top of that associate with the same group of people and offer to do them favours? How many people can do that?

I agree with the others on skipping the event as it would seem strange not to be there with the person you're with, fully knowing that your partner was barred from the event. I'd personally feel so uncomfortable I wouldn't be able to celebrate. If you have no other ties or obligations to them I wouldn't go.

It also sounds like Rick expects you not to be there despite what he writes. He anticipates it in his writing and in writing this to you, surely he's aware of the position he's put both Colin and you in. I'm sorry that you were put in the middle.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Skip the wedding.

[Wiseman2]

Send a gift and bow out.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all members above - skip the wedding.

[Batya33]

I would not go - ridiculous train wreck situation created by Jodie it seems and not just about the wedding.  I assume their other lovers or lovers they plan to have will be in attendance to see the ceremony so maybe she figured that was enough potential drama.  Added to all that it's rude to invite someone with a plus one and dictate who that can and cannot be (and totally fine to invite someone who is not married or engaged without a plus one IMO in case that requires clarification).

[Tinydance]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone! What actually made me angry is that I really don't think Colin did anything wrong. Or even if he did, it was minor. He only came to the engagement party because he was actually invited by Jodie.

He said half the people at the party already knew he was the ex husband because him and Jodie were together for 5 - 6 years. So of course all her family and close friends knew. Not to mention that as I said in my post, they didn't actually delete their wedding photos from their social media. So anyone on their Facebook, which is like 300+ people, can see the photos and figure out they were married. 

I probably agree that it was best not to say he was the ex husband. I'm guessing some people asked: "How do you know Rick and Jodie?" and he was just too honest.

The thing is they actually are friends. Colin said they sometimes chat on Facebook and Jodie updated him about her life and he sends her photos of the dogs they used to own together. I think it's completely ridiculous to say I can bring someone, so a place at the wedding will be paid for, but it just can't be Colin. They made it clear they don't want him to mention he's the ex husband so he doesn't have to mention it ever again. Completely stupid and immature considering he didn't actually do anything wrong.

[MissCanuck]

I would skip the wedding, and distance myself from these two alogether. 

Too much drama and you're not even close to them. I don't this as a friendship that's really worth hanging on to. 

 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I probably agree that it was best not to say he was the ex husband. I'm guessing some people asked: "How do you know Rick and Jodie?" and he was just too honest.

He wasn't too honest -he overshared in the situation which is I think something that might happen more often with someone on the spectrum.  I did something similar many years ago - told my late cousin's widower's new girlfriend's friends that I was "his cousin" which I had been by marriage of course.  That way I figured they wouldn't think I was an ex.  I did NOT share how he were cousins -did not mention he'd been married to my cousin who died. That I knew would be oversharing.  Turns out so was the cousin thing -he asked me later to say we were friends.  So on his behalf for years I lied to certain of these people and didn't mention my cousin -one of my closest friends in the world -who had passed away.  I did become friends with some of them.  It was awkward.  So I do know how sometimes "how we know each other" needs to be hidden.  It doesn't matter if it's on social media -that was Jodie's information to share.

I think you're missing the forest for the trees. 

The issue is not really the rudeness.  The issue is these are two people having a wedding and celebrating a marriage where they will be having sex with others, where one of the couple has mental health issues that present as creating drama (I mean -of course people with mental health issues get married -but in this situation because of these issues she has she creates drama at events like this), and your new boyfriend was her husband. 

All of this cumulatively means it's ripe for drama/train wreck even if you went alone.  I mean of course you also could say your boyfriend was the bride's husband at one time even if he is not there - because people often drink at weddings, overshare, etc.  

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Yeah, I would still not go. If they don't want your loved one at the wedding, you stick to your loved one's side- specially in your case (ex drama and whatnot).

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He wasn't too honest -he overshared in the situation which is I think something that might happen more often with someone on the spectrum.  I did something similar many years ago - told my late cousin's widower's new girlfriend's friends that I was "his cousin" which I had been by marriage of course.  That way I figured they wouldn't think I was an ex.  I did NOT share how he were cousins -did not mention he'd been married to my cousin who died. That I knew would be oversharing.  Turns out so was the cousin thing -he asked me later to say we were friends.  So on his behalf for years I lied to certain of these people and didn't mention my cousin -one of my closest friends in the world -who had passed away.  I did become friends with some of them.  It was awkward.  So I do know how sometimes "how we know each other" needs to be hidden.  It doesn't matter if it's on social media -that was Jodie's information to share.

I think you're missing the forest for the trees. 

The issue is not really the rudeness.  The issue is these are two people having a wedding and celebrating a marriage where they will be having sex with others, where one of the couple has mental health issues that present as creating drama (I mean -of course people with mental health issues get married -but in this situation because of these issues she has she creates drama at events like this), and your new boyfriend was her husband. 

All of this cumulatively means it's ripe for drama/train wreck even if you went alone.  I mean of course you also could say your boyfriend was the bride's husband at one time even if he is not there - because people often drink at weddings, overshare, etc.  

 

Well yeah I realise it's a weird situation that we all know each other, etc. I live in a city of just over five million people but believe it or not, it's still a small world. I'm also really social and I often come across situations where people know other people, dated people I know, is someone's ex, etc. Still I don't think this actually had to be an issue. 

They actually hadn't invited me to the wedding before this and the first time I heard of being invited was me getting that message. So if they didn't want Colin to come they could have just not invited me either. Instead why message and deliberately say I'm invited but Colin isn't? I'm not even that close to them. The whole thing is super weird but I guess it probably does stem from mental health issues and just being insensitive.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well yeah I realise it's a weird situation that we all know each other, etc. I live in a city of just over five million people but believe it or not, it's still a small world. I'm also really social and I often come across situations where people know other people, dated people I know, is someone's ex, etc. Still I don't think this actually had to be an issue. 

They actually hadn't invited me to the wedding before this and the first time I heard of being invited was me getting that message. So if they didn't want Colin to come they could have just not invited me either. Instead why message and deliberately say I'm invited but Colin isn't? I'm not even that close to them. The whole thing is super weird but I guess it probably does stem from mental health issues and just being insensitive.

Yes same -as others have told me for years I'm a connector so that's one reason I often run into the small world situation (like realizing that my friend's deceased partner's mistress while he was alive is most likely someone I know from my hometown, who lived in our new city for awhile - figured it out via FB -keeping my mouth shut -water under the bridge now, didn't figure it out till after he died).

Anyway, these are people who don't follow social norms in several ways. This is one of the ways.  I wouldn't try to analyze because we're not dealing with people who otherwise act in a common sense typical manner.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The whole thing is super weird

Well, these two sound pretty unconventional in general. This is an extension of their divergent ways of relating with the world. 

I would see it as my cue that a friendship isn't really viable. 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, these two sound pretty unconventional in general. This is an extension of their divergent ways of relating with the world. 

I would see it as my cue that a friendship isn't really viable. 

Yeah that's true. I don't think I'll go to the wedding coz probably better to keep my distance anyway. Who knows if after the wedding they'd also find something wrong with something I said!

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think I'll go to the wedding coz probably better to keep my distance anyway. 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

🤣🤣😂😆😅

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Thanks so much for the replies everyone! What actually made me angry is that I really don't think Colin did anything wrong.

Colin didn't do anything wrong. Actually I found his comment about being the soon to be ex-h fairly innocuous. It would be ridiculous for someone to feel antagonized by that and the only people I'd think who would take it so badly would be the bride and groom themselves. 

I personally wouldn't chalk this up to mental health issues. This is just a couple whom you may not know very well (not very good friends) showing their true colours in terms of what they really think about Colin or you. It could be Jodie, for all you know, who feels uncomfortable with Colin around. People put up all kinds of facades in public or when around mutual friends but now that you know how they feel about Colin I think it's best to respect that and slowly keep your distance. 

I don't think all of them are as good friends with the "good friends" they claim to have and although they're entitled to whatever or whomever they want at their wedding, it's frustrating that this came down on Colin and you. 

I'd steer clear completely and not just at the wedding. 

 

[Batya33]

Yes. I can see where Colin was stating a fact not oversharing. Bride should have told him not to mention if she didn’t want it to be known.

Anyway since she is still going to be having sex with others him saying they were married once shouldn’t bother her as for all anyone knew he was going to remain one of her sex partners.  

I’m glad there are different perspectives here. I jumped to the wrong assumption as far as Colin sharing truthful information about his connection to the bride. 
 

[Lambert]

oh Tiny what a weird mess.  lol.

I think you're seeing that Jodie and Rick are more than willing to decide Colin can't come, as is their right.  but oh yeah, you tell him.

Which says a lot about them and how they handle a 'good friend. like a brother, like a family member'

When you get the invite just send regrets. No gift.  Distance yourself.  You see how they are.  there's no need to create more drama by telling them you're pissed. Just as i see no reason to keep people like this close. 

Move on and if you run into them or whatever, be polite but unaffected by them.

[Batya33]

I also would not send a gift.  Their invitation was not a real invitation.  They knew you couldn't possibly come in that situation.  And they otherwise are not acting like good friends.

[greendots]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

They actually hadn't invited me to the wedding before this and the first time I heard of being invited was me getting that message.

If you haven't received a formal invitation (from what you share, it seems last minute), then another very legitimate reason as to not go. Kindly decline their invite and as others have suggested, distance yourself from them.