Why do I waste my time

[junebug123]

Okay, I’ll admit this is kind of a rant, I’m just curious have other people been in the same boat and what have you done to get yourself out of it.

I decided on a whim to go to a bar tonight. I rarely drink but one thing that I know was that I was willing to accept whatever was going to happen tonight and I took the train to this metal bar which I’ve had fun at in the past.

Theres some people next to me but I don’t really notice them and sit down and order a drink. After a few moments I start chatting up the girl next to me. Now, here’s the kicker. 

I wasn’t really attracted to her, but I was willing to shoot my shot for a chance to get laid. Also, it’s been a while. I know this sounds scummy. Low and behold she entertains me, I even buy her a drink and after some flirting she seems like she’s into me.

This is probably the third person I’ve done this with in the past year. Probably every post on this site is me shooting down to get laid. Okay, I know this sounds pathetic. What is a guy to do?

I spent probably 2 and a half hours talking to her before she refuses to give me her number and says she only does instagram.  The only thing that I’m thinking at this point is I would have rather wasted my time talking to someone that I was interested in, but didn’t want to walk away from something I felt like was a sure thing.

I feel like I wasted the night. How do I break this cycle. Have you done this in the past, thankfully I haven’t wasted years of my life.

[SooSad33]

Hey, it's the chance you take... you were up for it, but didn't succeed.

Fine, I get it everyone has 'needs'.

You see it as a 'wasted night'?  Only because you didn't succeed, lol.  But.. it happens!

So, you carry on.

How do you mean, 'break this cycle'? Cycle of what - failing?  Of not hitting on women?  Pls explain.

Not sure it's really about wasting your time.. as you are out there & mingling.  I'm sure majority on here have been there.

IF you don;t fancy this way of 'meeting women', why not try a different way.

[junebug123]

I guess I was filtering the experience through the lens of my time wouldn’t have been wasted if I had been chatting up a more attractive women and failed.

Almost applying and interviewing for a position at McDonalds and getting turned down when you could have used that time for doing something similar at positions which paid 3x or 4x as much.

I know this sounds egotistical. Recently I’ve been getting a little more picky because ever once in a while I’ll treat myself to a massage or go to a strip club and have women half the age, double the beauty treating me like a king. Now I’m not a stupid guy, I understand that I’m “paying for these services”. 

Im just saying when I was younger I would get that treatment more often, and if I would travel to poorer countries it would be similar. I guess I understand what women mean, when they say there are no more good men out there.

I’m kept telling myself that if I just made more money my problems would change. But I have friends that are less successful then me, who have better social skills and put more effort into meeting women. Seeing a lot more success regularly then myself.

I don’t believe in chasing women per say, but I think I’m starting to go crazy at this point. I feel like a fat person running a treadmill looking at the scale constantly and ready to break it if it doesn’t start to show me some smaller numbers.

[Rose Mosse]

If you tend to get this way after going to a bar, avoid bars. I know people who do enjoy that scene and don't take it as hard as you do. This may just be a matter of preference and being smart about what doesn't work for you. 

 

[SooSad33]

20 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I’m kept telling myself that if I just made more money my problems would change. But I have friends that are less successful then me, who have better social skills and put more effort into meeting women. Seeing a lot more success regularly then myself.

Okay & what do you mean by that? If you had more money your problems would change?  Meaning women issue's?

Have you been in a successful long-term relationships?

Maybe you're approach in your life is just wrong?  Out there 'searching' for a quick fix ( money or not), you're bound to remain 'single'.

Like I said, maybe try searching for 'someone special' a different way.  Not for a quick fix, but an actual, meaning relationship...

I don;t know.. what you want here?

[junebug123]

21 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay & what do you mean by that? If you had more money your problems would change?  Meaning women issue's?

Have you been in a successful long-term relationships?

Maybe you're approach in your life is just wrong?  Out there 'searching' for a quick fix ( money or not), you're bound to remain 'single'.

Like I said, maybe try searching for 'someone special' a different way.  Not for a quick fix, but an actual, meaning relationship...

I don;t know.. what you want here?

Not sure what you mean when you say here, meaning like the forum itself?

I don’t look at it as a quick fix, most of my relationships were the result of sleeping with someone relatively quickly and then turning that into a casual relationship and then sometimes it would be more meaningful. 

Meaning I wasn’t always picky about who I slept with, and even less picky about who I dated for an extended period of time. Of course there were women who never made it out of the casual aspect of the relationship and I never felt guilty about that.

As for the more money aspect. Meaning that money could improve my status and therefore my accessibility to more beautiful and younger women. Nicer car, bigger house, nicer dates, etc. etc. 

Its never about the money and more about the perception, of course when your living in a big city it feels like even being 75+ percentile of men is meaningless. Maybe, I’m looking in all the wrong places. 

I understand what you mean about quick fix. I think maybe your right, women sense the desperation and rightly so. Maybe I’m the one chasing them away. I just don’t know the difference between those who are wasting my time and those who are interested anymore.

I feel like the only way to tell the difference anymore is by trying to engage in intimacy because it feels like I’m in this perpetual cycle of giving attention and resources and receiving little in return. I’m not saying that there aren’t women who feel like they aren’t experiencing the same and in part men like me probably participate in this.

Alright, well this is going nowhere fast. Your right, I should avoid the bars.

[SooSad33]

10 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I understand what you mean about quick fix. I think maybe your right, women sense the desperation and rightly so. Maybe I’m the one chasing them away. I just don’t know the difference between those who are wasting my time and those who are interested anymore.

You say it again... 'wasting your time'.. Instead, this time it is them, not you , lol 

Yeah.. maybe it is you!  Maybe it's your 'way of thinking'.. or behaviour.  And yes, is true, we can 'sense; things. Vice-versa. ( eg. stability, feeling rushed, insecure..).

So, instead of flirting with just about anything that will give you attention.. IF you want more than that, try sitting back a little while and figure out what's up.. Are you too 'desperate'? 

Do you jump right in hot & heavy for a short time, then pull away?  That's no good for you or them.

I guess what Im trying to say is,  someone's credibility can decrease with their actions/behaviour. like, IF you feel crappy, it can show.  IF you just don't really care & take what you can get, how great is that?  Then, yes, you're going to end up with anything that gives you attention. Plus, eventually, you could very well be making yourself feel even more crappy.

So- is it maybe time to back off a bit and focus on YOU for a bit?  Think on things?  What do you want?  Should you really be acting out like this? -- Or slow it all down & take it easy... so you don't end up ruining yourself over trying to hard to have a woman, in your life.  Also, it is always okay to be single a while.  Is good to be so, in order to fix ourselves so our negativity etc does not rub off on whomever we're dating.

I dont know... am i rambling now?  lol

 

[junebug123]

17 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I dont know... am i rambling now?  lol

 

No, your not rambling. Let me be more detailed. If a women would allow me to sleep with them, with little to no expensive to myself. Then maybe she would be worried about her wasting time, without knowing if it would lead anywhere.

This is sort of how a man feels, when he’s courting someone. Like I understand what you mean when you say, the women’s time is valuable as well. But it’s the perception on how the time is being spent which makes all the difference.

I feel like there’s a big disconnect when I mention this, and maybe it’s not being communicated properly. An employer doesn’t feel like there wasting there money when the employee is producing value greeting then the cost of the labor. I don’t feel like there’s much of an argument there at all. Sorry, if this comes across as autistic, I struggled to find the PC wording here.  

As for waiting around, I feel like I spent the past 4 years of my life working on myself and now I’m 36 and sort of realizing that spending this much time outside of the dating market has made me really stale.

I regularly work out and feel like I put more effort into dates now then before I stopped dating. But, the frequency of women that I’m meeting and my ability to forget about the bad dates is what’s holding me back.

If anything I think I’m too reserved, and have a scarcity mindset. I probably need to just keep putting myself out there more and more. It’s just expensive and time consuming. I never worried about these things when I was younger and had a more carefree attitude. 

I was probably just as neurotic back then as well, but it always felt worth it to me. I feel like it just isn’t worth it anymore. Maybe I’m becoming jaded. Alright, I think I sorted it out after this final post. Thanks for listening to my rants. 

I just need to go to therapy. I keep thinking I can do it on my own and then find myself feeling destroyed after getting rejected by some random at the bar...

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

I guess I was filtering the experience through the lens of my time wouldn’t have been wasted if I had been chatting up a more attractive women and failed.

Almost applying and interviewing for a position at McDonalds and getting turned down when you could have used that time for doing something similar at positions which paid 3x or 4x as much.

I know this sounds egotistical. Recently I’ve been getting a little more picky because ever once in a while I’ll treat myself to a massage or go to a strip club and have women half the age, double the beauty treating me like a king. Now I’m not a stupid guy, I understand that I’m “paying for these services”. 

Im just saying when I was younger I would get that treatment more often, and if I would travel to poorer countries it would be similar. I guess I understand what women mean, when they say there are no more good men out there.

I’m kept telling myself that if I just made more money my problems would change. But I have friends that are less successful then me, who have better social skills and put more effort into meeting women. Seeing a lot more success regularly then myself.

I don’t believe in chasing women per say, but I think I’m starting to go crazy at this point. I feel like a fat person running a treadmill looking at the scale constantly and ready to break it if it doesn’t start to show me some smaller numbers.

Well look I know it sucks but everyone faces rejection, even women too. I'm a bisexual woman and I can name at least two situations where I bought women drinks at a gay bar. One accepted the drink and then just completely turned away from me, then goes: "Sorry I'm actually straight." What?! I mean, no problem to be at a gay bar if you're straight but it was obvious she just wanted to get a free drink and used me. This happened to me at least one other time where I talked to a girl for a very long time and bought her drinks. Then she just went: "Sorry I'm not interested". I mean, if you try you can either succeed or fail, and sometimes you will fail unfortunately.

Yes you can "get" more attractive women bit you have to pay them. And you don't actually get them, the strippers only dance for you for 5 - 10 minutes then move on. If you want to be with an actual everyday life woman for free, whether sexually or more, I think you may need to lower your standards.

[poorlittlefish]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I wasn’t really attracted to her, but I was willing to shoot my shot for a chance to get laid. Also, it’s been a while. I know this sounds scummy. 

This is probably the third person I’ve done this with in the past year. Probably every post on this site is me shooting down to get laid. Okay, I know this sounds pathetic. What is a guy to do?

You know there are women you can go to who will guarantee you "shoot your shot" for a fee, right?  Maybe these women are picking up on the fact you're just after a free shag and are put off by the thought of being used as commodities.

[DarkCh0c0]

Many women would give their Instagram first because they don't want to be stalked by a stranger. You get to chat later, and then go on a date. Moreover, most women don't just meet and then proceed to f* a guy after they've just met him. It's not sex on demand for thirsty men... You can get that elsewhere.

Also remember, not everyone is at the bar for the same reasons. Some people are there to get laid, some to date casually, some are in a relationship, some to be social, and most are there to have a good time (those includes chats with strangers). So you don't really know when you approach someone what's their motive. Same goes back to you.

I think also you could change your expectations. "Tonight I'm out to have fun. If I find someone I click with, great. If I don't, I'll keep having fun. I've had a tough week!". And even if you find someone, keep focusing on being you and having a good time. 

And... If all you wanted from this woman at the bar was sex, you may have been very well giving off that vibe as well- which is a turn off for many and "stranger-danger".

On another note ... This might help you feel much better! You have a similar attitude to him https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=79UUL2DYlms

[junebug123]

18 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

You know there are women you can go to who will guarantee you "shoot your shot" for a fee, right?  Maybe these women are picking up on the fact you're just after a free shag and are put off by the thought of being used as commodities.

It’s hard to tell really. There are women who are also eager to seek male advances and are put off by men who aren’t sure about what they want.

Im not sure if there’s a rule that says, you shouldn’t try to kiss or hug or invite a women into bed by x time. Granted my timeline is probably faster then most, but this is a style that has been curated over the years.

Your response almost reads like women are these creatures who don’t have desires and aren’t interested in sexual encounters with me. Generally, that’s not the case at all, it’s more just that your not the men she wants to pursue that interaction with.  And she’s willing to keep you around when the other options don’t pan out.

Ive been on both sides of dating experience before.

[junebug123]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think also you could change your expectations. "Tonight I'm out to have fun. If I find someone I click with, great. If I don't, I'll keep having fun. I've had a tough week!". And even if you find someone, keep focusing on being you and having a good time. 

On another note ... This might help you feel much better! You have a similar attitude to him https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=79UUL2DYlms

Fair enough. I have my own standards, not going to waste time chatting someone up who won’t give me their number, regardless if their past experiences. I probably just got a little too hung up on the experience because I drank too much too fast. But I’m sobering up now.

Fyi: your right about that guy. I’m totally on the same wavelength as him. Ugh, if only I could meet a women like that, then we would be kindred spirits.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Almost applying and interviewing for a position at McDonalds and getting turned down when you could have used that time for doing something similar 

Exactly. Going to bars to get fast-food sex is junk food. 

You seem impulsive if you get lonely/horny and decide that floozies in bars may result in alleviating that.

Desirable women aren't frequenting bars looking to go home with random dudes.

Skip bars and drinking for a while.

[DarkCh0c0]

Watch the video as you sober up. You'll have a good laugh and won't regret it! 🙂

Gotta take dating lightly so that you don't feel so down!

That aside, I also have had my share of drinking and then acting impulsively based on loneliness/being horny. I think you need to lower/limit the drinks and keep yourself in check more, instead of the opposite.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered detox and rehab for help? 

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. See if your liver is hanging by a thread. As you know the fastest way to impotence is alcohol.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. See if there are sobriety support groups such as AA for support.

It's ironic that you go to drinking holes to get laid when all that drinking just makes you impotent.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I spent probably 2 and a half hours talking to her before she refuses to give me her number and says she only does instagram.

And you didnt think off to said "Sorry, I dont do Instagram followers. Goodbye". 

Anyway, its unclear why you are mad. Is it because you wasted 2 hours on somebody? Or that somebody is just not somebody who you would be interested with besides sex and still got rejected? Both have easy solutions, dont waste that much time and shoot your shot sooner and move on, or just dont approach somebody who you dont like if you dont want to face rejection nfrom them.

Also, you are looking at it wrong. I literally dont know any guy who didnt get rejected a good number of times. Or even waste time on somebody and still get rejected. I have a rich friend that was in pretty good physical condition(he played basketball daily) in his dating years. And even him faced rejection. Difference is, he just moved on to next. You should look at it the same. You approached somebody who you dont know nothing about at the bar, shoot your shot and miss. OK, next. At the end it doesnt matter, you wont remember her name in a week. She is generally irrelevant to lose your sleep becuse of her.

5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I’m kept telling myself that if I just made more money my problems would change. But I have friends that are less successful then me, who have better social skills and put more effort into meeting women. Seeing a lot more success regularly then myself.

 

I mean, maybe you would still date that bank girl. But would you want somebody who just wants you for money and for you to pay 300 dollar dinner bills? You do go to strip club but still...

Also, everyone path is not the same. I have a friend, he never dated in a classical sense. We would go to the event, he would pick up some girl(talked a bit, kiss her etc) and build from that. The quality of those girls was bottom of the bottom of the barrel(I am not even joking, couple of them were certified crazy, like having a doctor certificate of that), but he still did it. He did eventually settle for a nice girl, they met on some music festival, same story as the rest lol. I discovered I have a lot more success in meeting a nice girls in a classical sense, taking a number, going on dates etc. Not everyone path is the same. You discover yours and stick to it. 

[Batya33]

This has nothing to do with dating.  You chose to get drunk and chose to pursue a woman for sex and settle for her since she didn't meet your standards of attractiveness. You invested a few hours into pursuing a woman for casual sex.  Your investment didn't pan out.  That has nothing to do with getting to know individual women when you are sober to see if you two should go on a date one on one and get to know each other better. 

It's sort of like if I went to a networking event and spent an hour chatting with a person I had nothing in common with except he or she was in a field where I thought I might have interest so it would be beneficial for me to have a connection.  After an hour the person makes a lame excuse as to why I can't link in or stay in touch.  I wouldn't then go on a rant about how hard it is to meet people in my city for close friendships.  I would simply see that it was a networking opportunity that didn't pan out.  Maybe the next one would.  The other difference would be that I wasn't settling for this person or seeing them as "below my standards".  As you saw this woman you pursued for casual sex.  

There are happily married couples who met while drunk and had a one night stand but typically it doesn't start out with one of the people figuring "well he/she is not at my level of attractiveness but I wanna get laid".  This person did everything right -you're not entitled to sex or staying in touch just because you choose to go to a bar and drink and someone happens to be into chatting with you for a few hours.  It doesn't work that way -didn't you learn basic common sense/treating humans with basic respect in kindergarten at the latest??

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think also you could change your expectations. "Tonight I'm out to have fun. If I find someone I click with, great. If I don't, I'll keep having fun. I've had a tough week!". And even if you find someone, keep focusing on being you and having a good time. 

I agree. I think you (Jazzlover) are preoccupied with sex. It seems like a really big deal for you, almost like the source of your entire sense of self worth. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I decided on a whim to go to a bar tonight. I wasn’t really attracted to her, but I was willing to shoot my shot for a chance to get laid.

MacLaid's bar and grille? Drive up, buy a woman a drink, get laid?

[Lambert]

If you really feel like this

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

The only thing that I’m thinking at this point is I would have rather wasted my time talking to someone that I was interested in, but didn’t want to walk away from something I felt like was a sure thing

Then maybe look at your intentions.  You chose to "waste your time".  By your logic, if you only spent your time on women you were attracted to and still didn't get laid, then problem solved.  

The fact that you think she was a sure thing is a little cocky on your part.  Women get hit on all the time.  She very well could have picked up on your only wanting to get laid and therefore, played you at your own game.  

Next time-- be upfront.  If you really aren't interested, don't waste her time.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Maybe, I’m looking in all the wrong places. 

Well yes. Your trying to find quality women in bars. Quality women do not go home with randoms in bars. So you are looking in the wrong places.

[lostandhurt]

Your approach is all wrong.  First off if you are a baseball player and never take the bat off your shoulder when at bat you can tell yourself that you have never been struck out and feel good about that but in the back of your mind you know that you didn't even try to hit the ball so it was a wasted opportunity.

 You made a choice to leave the house, go to a bar and chat up a woman you weren't physically attracted to.  This was your mistake on top of a very big mistake which is assuming women cannot read you.  Did you ever stop to think this woman has self esteem? Has standards of her own? Could see a guy that was out to get laid that is all?  She wasn't a sure thing was she?

 Decide what you want BEFORE you move forward.  You leave the house looking to hit a home run but when you get to bat you pull it in a try a bunt and now that you struck out you are butt hurt.

 Try looking at women as the beautiful creatures they are that confound us, surprise us, drive us crazy with passion and frustration.  They are smart, funny, vulnerable and strong all at the same time but if your view is all one sided they will see right through you.

 "Oh well I guess I will go see if I can get laid" isn't working so why not "I am going out and looking to meet interesting women"  Keep your expectations to just that and see where it leads you.

  I say good on her for only willing to give out her IG to basically a total stranger.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

You know there are women you can go to who will guarantee you "shoot your shot" for a fee, right?  Maybe these women are picking up on the fact you're just after a free shag and are put off by the thought of being used as commodities.

This ^^^ is exactly what I was thinking. If you want a sure bet, pay for it, and skip the gamble.

If you want to actually get to know someone, consider that the majority of women these days likely value their health, safety and emotional well being, so they'd prefer to 'date' people to learn whether you're both a good match for more.

So get clarity about what YOU want at any given time. If it's to get laid, go to a service that will do that for you. If it's to get to know someone who wants to get to know you, then consider bars to be the gamble that they are, and share drinks with women for long enough to describe what you want. If it's a no, move on to another. If it's a go, then there you are.

Also consider that lots of people are using dating apps for this purpose--to screen people for meeting. You can line up a bunch of quick meets over coffee or drinks for the next step in screening--is there any chemistry? If no, then move on to the next one. If it's a go, then there you are.

But don't fault yourself as 'failing' when your odds are already a slim as anyone else's--most people are NOT our match. Those are natural odds. Add to those that you haven't been clear with women about what you want, and you've been working against yourself. 

Head high, and turn that around.

[Wiseman2]