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Where Did I Fail This Time?


KlearKut
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About that college girl I got the number of yesterday...

Everything seemed to be going great...

She seemed very invested in me yesterday, interested in getting to know me and all...

She asked my classmate for me, and gave him her number so he could give it to me, we texted for almost 3 hours straight.

We set up a date for this Monday...

I tried being a little flirty, but not that much... because I noticed she didn't respond too much to it (she just disregards what I said, leaves me on read or takes several minutes or hours to reply usually with one-liners)... -- then I just stopped flirting altogether.

 

 

Well, it's the day after that first wave of texting... and it appears to have fizzled. I don't know what I did wrong.... ;(

 

Note: Now I am fully aware that texting a girl too much and especially in the days before a first date will turn her off and damage attraction. So I'm not going to text her anymore to avoid digging a deeper hole.

 

Note 2: She responds ok, replies my questions and asks about me... as long as I don't flirt.

 

Edited by KlearKut
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5 minutes ago, KlearKut said:

I tried being a little flirty, but not that much... it's the day after that first wave of texting...

Yes, this is where you went wrong. Using texts to attempt to build rapport.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, this is where you went wrong. Using texts to attempt to build rapport.

Is this salvageable? She didn't cancel the date or whatever... But anyway I'm cutting contact until monday...

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How did the last conversation end? Did she not respond to you at all and how long ago was it? 

Good looking people get a lot of attention and casual remarks or compliments about their looks. You seem nervous but don’t be. Avoid any remarks about her beauty or her looks and when you say you’re going to do something do it. Was there a place and time to meet? 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Why are you trying to "flirt" with a woman you haven't even gone out with yet?

Please tell us you didn't say anything about how "hot" she is!

You're rushing again. What are you in such a hurry for? Do you NEED a girlfriend NOW!!! for some reason?

Calm down! Stop trying to make another insta-relationship. That didn't work out last time, did it?

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8 minutes ago, KlearKut said:

Everything seemed to be going great...

One problem, as I see it, is your penchant for thinking of all this (by which I mean attractive women) as "everything" rather than "nothing," or, more generously, "maybe a something." 

Cute woman asks about you. Great! Nice boost! Set up a date, see about the date, take things from there, understanding and accepting that it might not go anywhere.  

 But this...

11 minutes ago, KlearKut said:

we texted for almost 3 hours straight

...is way over the top. It's fun, I get it. But it's fun in the way doing 10 shots of tequila is fun. Doesn't always leave people feeling proud of themselves, you know?  

5 minutes ago, KlearKut said:

Is this salvageable?

Again, this shouldn't be a question at this stage. You can't "salvage" something that is not yet a thing. If Monday is still on, great. Chill with the texting, chill with the flirting. Send her a note over the weekend that you're looking forward to Monday and go from there.

That's the little big picture. Big picture: It's great that you're aware of some self-esteem issues, but what are you doing, aside from asking out women, to address them? 

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28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you trying to "flirt" with a woman you haven't even gone out with yet?

Please tell us you didn't say anything about how "hot" she is!

You're rushing again. What are you in such a hurry for? Do you NEED a girlfriend NOW!!! for some reason?

Calm down! Stop trying to make another insta-relationship. That didn't work out last time, did it?

No. Since she is attractive I know she is aware of it and haven't made any remarks at all about her appearance as they would be boring and useless.

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If she doesnt cancel, see what the date gives. Its much more meaningful than messages. As you can see, messages can be tricky. She can reply, she can not reply, she can be in the mood or not etc. You set up a date and that is good. That means there is at least some interest. So see where that gets you and go from there. 

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1 hour ago, KlearKut said:

Is this salvageable? She didn't cancel the date or whatever... But anyway I'm cutting contact until monday...

Why? 

You seem very uncomfortable with a middle ground. You don't need to bombard her with messages, nor cut all contact. That's very black-and-white thinking and it will make things worse here. 

You can decrease the number of messages while still keeping in touch, OP. You have to get  better at finding the balance. 

 

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1 hour ago, KlearKut said:

Turns out she is very smart. She is quite the intellectual type, mature... honestly she feels much older than her age suggests... she is 23...

But sounds like a 28-30 year old girl...

Sounds like? Based on what -messages you type to each other?  Also maybe since you're so focused on how "hot" she is and how a "hot" looking person agreed to a date, maybe refrain from referring to an adult woman as a "girl".  That doesn't come across as mature on your part.

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24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like? Based on what -messages you type to each other?  Also maybe since you're so focused on how "hot" she is and how a "hot" looking person agreed to a date, maybe refrain from referring to an adult woman as a "girl".  That doesn't come across as mature on your part.

IKR?

I never understood why some men refer to adult women as "girls" but they don't refer to themselves as "boys".

OP, you seem surprised that she's mature and intellectual. Physically attractive women can be intelligent too! It shouldn't be surprising. 

Anyway, go ahead and enjoy the date. And don't try to pin her down into a relationship in the first five minutes lol. Get to know her and allow her to get to know you.

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3 hours texting is excessive. And if she is slowing her responses or giving one word answers you should really take the hint sooner. Also as with the other girl she isn't enjoying your flirting. 

I think your flirting is probably connected with your low self esteem. You are trying to get them to like you. But instead it telegraphs too much interest and comes across as attention seeking. 

Give her some space and over the weekend text to confirm the arrangements for the date. 

The best way to get to know someone is face to face. All this texting before the date leaves you with less to talk about on the date 

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Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

3 hours texting is excessive. And if she is slowing her responses or giving one word answers you should really take the hint sooner. Also as with the other girl she isn't enjoying your flirting. 

I think your flirting is probably connected with your low self esteem. You are trying to get them to like you. But instead it telegraphs too much interest and comes across as attention seeking. 

Give her some space and over the weekend text to confirm the arrangements for the date. 

The best way to get to know someone is face to face. All this texting before the date leaves you with less to talk about on the date 

Yeah. I have a family trip tomorrow morning. Will be leaving her alone for the next 4 days... No texting... no nothing... Until monday.

I also know she'll probably not look for me in this period either. As she told me she is happy by herself and only wants someone to "accompany" her on her life.

I fiigured she wants a boyfriend, but one that can be fine without her company/doesn't need to see her or talk to her all the time... In other words... she wants a man.

 

This one is really quite different from all the other women I talked to recently.

Edited by KlearKut
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6 hours ago, KlearKut said:

Will be leaving her alone for the next 4 days... No texting... no nothing... Until monday.

Again, why are you doing this?

Your all-or-nothing mentality is going to kill this before you even get to the first date. 

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If you follow your plan it will look like you are blowing hot and cold which is not good.  Since she did not respond to your flirting my guess is she is sick of that behavior from guys and hoped you were different.

  Do as Bluecastle suggested and touch base with her and let her know you will be off on a family trip but you are looking forward to getting to know her better on your date Monday.  This way she knows you are busy for a few days, it makes her curious where you went on your trip and it lets her know you are still very interested in who she is, not just how she looks.

  It does seem like when what you imagined or want to happen doesn't go the way you hoped you get real negative and swing to an extreme.  That is very unattractive and a big red flag to anyone so you need to figure out why you react this way.

Lost

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I'm sure she has gone thought this before...she knows if she is too receptive to texting, the guy gets way too excited, so she slows down and turns on reserved mode. She's trying to slow your roll. To be desirable is to be less available. Be kool, a little aloof, laid back. First date is coming up, relax.

Edited by smackie9
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maybe you didn't do anything wrong. 

Don't be so eager. let her come to you a bit. don't question her or act like you know she is not interested or anything like that.  those are turn offs.

Let things come together slowly and naturally.  show you're confident by doing your own thing until she reaches out to you. 

It's too early to be so attached and concerned. Why do you feel this way? focus on what you can control- yourself. 

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