Broke my trust

[Lenagurl]

Hi my boyfriend and I have been together 1.5 years. He is my person and someone that fits my life so perfectly. A big red flag was I could never go to his apartment. He said it wasn’t clean enough for me. He moved in in October. Also in October he broke down and told Me he lives in squalor and he can’t deal with it on his own like he thought and he needs my help. We went to his place and it was like nothing I have ever seen. It wasn’t technically hoarding because it wasn’t items, it was full of garbage and take out containers. Mold, rib bones, no path, no usable dishes. Imagine what you are thinking and make it worse. Mental health is in my background and I work in it so of course I had empathy and wanted to help make it better. We gutted the place and he has been slowly working to Reno it for a rental. We definitely had our hiccups with this. My trust was broken a little, he would still lie to me and say he got something done but didn’t. He was to seek counseling for his behaviors but without me pushing him he never did it. His appt isn’t until Feb 8… ok now fast forward to today. We were having a romantic night, hot tub. I was sitting beside him and he was googling something on his phone to show me but before he could, I saw a text that said hi hun. I immediately lost it and got out because he said it was nothing and got very awkward. He then confessed when we were out and settled… he has an addition to sexting sex workers for pleasure. So that is what it was. I got to read the messages and was disgusted. He even said that same day, hi hun can I call you. And he called her. He said she didn’t answer. The thing is, I believe him when he says he doesn’t physically see them it is strictly pleasure in Sexting but why the heck did you call her? He says they don’t talk dirty unless they think you are meeting up with them. My mind is going a mile a minute. I don’t think this is something I can get over. Texting is something that you can just erase from your phone and never get caught. He says his plan was to admit this to the counselor and see if she thought that he should tell me. I don’t want to lose him… but I think I have to right? I love him so much but how do we come back from all this? 

[Rose Mosse]

Yes, lose him. He has lost himself. He needs more time to get to the bottom of his addictions contacting sex workers and dealing with his mental health.

Being a social worker you may have more natural empathy than most but it’s not appropriate to continue dating.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lenagurl said:

together 1.5 years. I could never go to his apartment. He said it wasn’t clean enough for me.  it was full of garbage and take out containers. Mold, rib bones, no path, no usable dishes… he has an addition to sexting sex workers for pleasure. I don’t think this is something I can get over. 

Sorry this is happening. Dating is not social work. He's a damaging train wreck you need to run from.

Don't keep wasting your time and energy trying to fix him, both from living in a sty to inappropriate sexual activity.

He may be "nice" to you but he lies and hides his life. There's no future in this except headaches and heartaches.

[reinventmyself]

Wow, just wow.  This guy has some serious addictions.

You mention mental health is in your background?   In what capacity, because I am so surprised you wouldn't know better.

I find it interesting that you led with * but he fits your life perfectly.  So, does that mean creating a life with a hoarder and a sex addict in your ideal long term family plan?  

What concerns me is you make excuses and minimize the seriousness of this.  It's as if he sexts women but doesn't cross some imaginary line that you are justifying that might be ok?  Do you really believe that?  You've heard the term "where there is smoke, there is fire" ?

Hoarding and sexting are merely symptoms of something else seriously going on with him.  Please don't make it your life's purpose to save him.  As you already have experienced, he's promised to go to therapy and that's been nothing but words and zero action.  You even soften this fact but using the words *he's broken my trust a little*    No, my friend.  He's not to be trusted and has shown no sign that he is motivated to do the hard work.  He hasn't even admitted he has a problem and shown any willingness to take this first step.  Instead, he glosses over his *little problem, and you twist yourself into a pretzel to buy into it. Because if you were to admit that the seriousness of these gross deal breakers, you might have to make a hard decision to save yourself.

Save yourself from this and believe you deserve better.   He isn't the last man on earth and there a plenty of good ones out there.

[tattoobunnie]

You can hoard garbage.  Hoarding is an accumulation of any item, whether things or garbage.

He can function in life, and cannot be emotionally faithful.  You should ask yourself why you stay with a broken bird.  You cannot fix this, and you should never be his shrink.

[reinventmyself]

I think your time together at your home, without the knowledge of his hoarding and sexting, you have an illusion of the man you wanted him to be.  Sadly, that is not who he is.  It may take a little bit of time to come to terms with what you really have in front of you.  But don't waste too much time.

[DancingFool]

What strikes out at me the most, are the lengths you are going to, OP, to avoid facing cold hard facts - yes, he is a hoarder, yes he is a liar, yes he hides huge parts of his life from you as is convenient for him, yes he is using prostitutes and it's not just for "hello hun" chit chat (you are not that naive). The denial you are in is pretty extreme.

OP, sometimes we focus on this kind of a wreck and trying to fix it because we are avoiding fixing ourselves and our own serious issues. Time to dump him and fix the only person you can - yourself.

[SooSad33]

I agree with the other replies.

He's messed up sadly, in a few ways.. and YOU can't fix him 😕 .

His hoarding and sex addiction going on - and now you are aware of all of this and admitting he's 'broken your trust'.

Then remove yourself from this.. all of it.

He's got to face reality and deal with this stuff on his own!  He will sit in it all UNTIL he realizes his problems then WANTS to face it. And has to reach out for some help, on his own.

So, for your own mentality, get away from someone like this and worry about yourself.

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry this took place, but unfortunately there are times when the people you'd take a bullet for are the ones behind the trigger.

At any rate, I'm sure you know that without trust you've reached the end of the line.  In short, rather than wait for the next shoe to drop...and it will, it's time to see this for what it is, and work on moving forward.

[Lenagurl]

Everyone is so brutally honest. I needed this. I broke up with him. I need to hear people say stuff like this to make me know I’m making the right decision. 

[melancholy123]

49 minutes ago, Lenagurl said:

Everyone is so brutally honest. I needed this. I broke up with him. I need to hear people say stuff like this to make me know I’m making the right decision. 

I'm glad to hear you broke up with ihm.  Dont weaken and go back to him.  He needs some serious help you cant provide.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Lenagurl said:

Everyone is so brutally honest. I needed this. I broke up with him. I need to hear people say stuff like this to make me know I’m making the right decision. 

Good. 

He is absolutely lying when he says he doesn't see them in person. Of course he does. Sex workers are not going to a waste a lot of time messaging, because that's not where they make their money. He is having sexual encounters with these women. 

Please, book yourself an appointment for a full STI check and HIV test. And I would gently suggest you also look into some counselling for youself. The fact that you needed other people to affirm for you that this is horrible and needed to end suggests you badly need to work on your own self-esteem and boundaries. 

[boltnrun]

13 hours ago, Lenagurl said:

Everyone is so brutally honest. I needed this. I broke up with him. I need to hear people say stuff like this to make me know I’m making the right decision. 

That's good.

As a professional, you know for a fact you will start to "miss" him. You'll feel lonely and a bit left out and you might convince yourself it's OK to text him "just to say 'hi'" or "just to see how he's doing". That would be a very bad idea.

I suggest you program his number into your phone as "NO DON'T" so you'll see it whenever you convince yourself that contacting him to "say 'hi'" is a great idea.

And keep a good network or family and friends. Contact them when you start thinking he wasn't so bad after all or when you're feeling sad and lonely. People who love you will be willing to help.

[reinventmyself]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's good.

As a professional, you know for a fact you will start to "miss" him. You'll feel lonely and a bit left out and you might convince yourself it's OK to text him "just to say 'hi'" or "just to see how he's doing". That would be a very bad idea.

I suggest you program his number into your phone as "NO DON'T" so you'll see it whenever you convince yourself that contacting him to "say 'hi'" is a great idea.

And keep a good network or family and friends. Contact them when you start thinking he wasn't so bad after all or when you're feeling sad and lonely. People who love you will be willing to help.

Good advice.  Or come back here and reread what you wrote and reach out if you need someone to talk to.

[Ayanokōji]

On 1/28/2022 at 3:06 AM, Lenagurl said:

We went to his place and it was like nothing I have ever seen. It wasn’t technically hoarding because it wasn’t items, it was full of garbage and take out containers. Mold, rib bones, no path, no usable dishes. Imagine what you are thinking and make it worse.

Why you still with him, dudes clearly mental.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Ayanokōji said:

Why you still with him, dudes clearly mental.

She broke up with him.  She discussed it in this thread.

[smackie9]

People with depression/OCD are the biggest manipulators you would ever meet, just a step down from a Narcissist IMO. They divert by lying, telling you what you want to hear, as a way to cope with their problem. This is and should always be a deal breaker. For me... not being able to go to a guys place is already note worthy to boot them to the curb. That says he's got something to hide, whether it's hording, living with his mom, flop house, he's got a GF living there, bodies in the basement, etc. This is not normal.

Glad you punted him to the curb. I guarantee you, he's never going to do jack $%^& about it.

[Rose Mosse]

29 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Glad you punted him to the curb. I guarantee you, he's never going to do jack $%^& about it.

I agree. 

Life is too short for these added stresses. 

[Lenagurl]

I haven’t told many people the full story. I have one friend who knows it all and others who know parts. I have a solid support system. My family is great. I just sit here and know I did the right thing for Me but somehow it’s so hard. That is what break up are right, you think of all the good and struggle To accept that part is over. Being 34 next week I truly thought he was my person so I remain in shock and sadness. I can’t believe I have to start over. Thank you for responses. I appreciate them tremendously. Last time it took me 1.5 years to get over my Ex and fully ready to move On. Any advice would be amazing because I’m struggling. 

[lostandhurt]

The thing to remember while healing from all this lying, sexting and squalor is that you were in love with an imagined version of him.  You fell in love with someone he portrayed, not who he really is.

  Focus on who he turned out to be not the person you wanted him to be and you should find it a lot easier to heal much faster.  After all is it easier to get over a guy that fit you so perfectly or the guy that lied to you, was in frequent contact with sex workers and cannot manage the simple things in self care?

  Since this all just came out I see it as you have been dating him, the real him only for a brief time so healing should go much better than before.

  Try your best to accept the man you were in love with was not real even though the love you felt was real.

   Starting over is much better than what you were in for with him.

 Let your birthday be a celebration of acceptance and a very smart move on your part in ending it.

Lost

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, Lenagurl said:

I haven’t told many people the full story. I have one friend who knows it all and others who know parts. I have a solid support system. My family is great. I just sit here and know I did the right thing for Me but somehow it’s so hard. That is what break up are right, you think of all the good and struggle To accept that part is over. Being 34 next week I truly thought he was my person so I remain in shock and sadness. I can’t believe I have to start over. Thank you for responses. I appreciate them tremendously. Last time it took me 1.5 years to get over my Ex and fully ready to move On. Any advice would be amazing because I’m struggling. 

First of all, I would strongly suggest you do as I recommended in my previous response regarding changing his name in your phone to NO DON'T.  Do NOT convince yourself it would be OK to text him to "say 'hi'" just because you're feeling lonely.  Contact a friend or family member instead.

Also, put away anything that reminds you of him.  Archive any photos into a folder with a long, complicated password on it so you'd really have to work to moon over them.

Finally, keep busy.  Oh, and avoid alcohol as much as possible.  For some reason, people seem think their exes are dying to hear from them when they're tipsy or drunk.  Bad idea.

Remember what your relationship goals are and remind yourself why he doesn't meet them.  Reread this thread if necessary.  You'll be fine after some time has passed.

[Rose Mosse]

14 hours ago, Lenagurl said:

I haven’t told many people the full story. I have one friend who knows it all and others who know parts. I have a solid support system. My family is great. I just sit here and know I did the right thing for Me but somehow it’s so hard. That is what break up are right, you think of all the good and struggle To accept that part is over. Being 34 next week I truly thought he was my person so I remain in shock and sadness. I can’t believe I have to start over. Thank you for responses. I appreciate them tremendously. Last time it took me 1.5 years to get over my Ex and fully ready to move On. Any advice would be amazing because I’m struggling. 

Stay busy and don’t put the rest of your life on hold. If there are things you’d like to accomplish go do them. It takes time to heal. 

[smackie9]

The best thing to do is think positive. tell yourself you will be the best person you can be, and there are new things to do, people to meet, and you are going to have a good time doing it.

[reinventmyself]

What helped me at times was to write down all the negative aspects of failed relationship in graphic detail.  I literally carried around with me in my purse.

Becoming unattached to someone is a process.  It doesn't happen overnight.  When you are feeling vulnerable it's easy to focus on the good (because it wasn't all bad) and ignore the rest.  The pull can be strong at times and that's normal.  Whenever I had those moments and second guessed myself, I'd pull out my list and reread it. 

Hang in there.  You got this!

[catfeeder]

Keep reminding yourself of all the filth you found, and put it in perspective. 

That's not the fantasy you fell in love with, it's the person he was hiding from you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.