I Used Snapchat and she found out.

[IdiotMale]

Hi Everyone.

First time poster but i need some advice.

I (32M) have been with my Partner (30f) for 5years. We bought a house together this year (jan) and have a dog and some ducks. We have recently started trying for a baby.

All that said and done I have made a mistake. In the past couple of month i have found a forum which I could get snapchat users from and we could exchange dirty mpictures/messages. I have been using this a couple of times a month in place of pornography. My partner found out last night. I love her with all my heart and do want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

O don't know how to proceed here. We are still in the same house albeit she did not speak to me last night after our initial conversation about it during which i was honest about this. I did not try to lie or cover anything up when she confronted me about this. This is the first long term relationship i have been in and seeing how much this hurt her has broken me. 

I was stupid and I am well prepared to be destroyed in any comments that come on this. 

I dont know how to proceed. I want to make this work and I will do everything in my power to make it work.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, IdiotMale said:

In the past couple of month i have found a forum which I could get snapchat users from and we could exchange dirty mpictures/messages. My partner found out last night.

Sorry this is happening. How did she find out about it?

Are you referring to paid/live OnlyFans SC accounts?

Some women may be annoyed at porn or excessive use of social media for pornographic material, but porn in itself may not be the only issue here.

All you can do is be sincere in your regrets and make the appropriate changes going forward. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, IdiotMale said:

i have found a forum which I could get snapchat users from and we could exchange dirty mpictures/messages. I have been using this a couple of times a month in place of pornography.

Inappropriately communicating directy with other people is not at all the same as watching porn. That excuse wouldn't wash with me, and I doubt your girlfriend buys that either. 

You really need to think about why you did this. It wasn't a mistake. It was a series of conscious series of decisions, and you made those decisions more than once. What were you thinking, man? And don't say "I don't know." You know, so you need to dig deep: are you bored with your relationship? Were you just hoping she wouldn't find out? Have you done something like this before? 

 

[IdiotMale]

33 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Inappropriately communicating directy with other people is not at all the same as watching porn. That excuse wouldn't wash with me, and I doubt your girlfriend buys that either. 

You really need to think about why you did this. It wasn't a mistake. It was a series of conscious series of decisions, and you made those decisions more than once. What were you thinking, man? And don't say "I don't know." You know, so you need to dig deep: are you bored with your relationship? Were you just hoping she wouldn't find out? Have you done something like this before? 

 

I agree with what you have said. I do need to go deep and understand why I did this. My knee jerk reaction is that during the pandemic I have been at home all day working whilst she has been at work so I have been starved of Human interaction but in Hindsight i should of just messaged her and spoken to her about this.

I am not bored with our relationship. I love every second of it. I had planned on stopping and haven't done this for a month at least. I have never done anything like this before so I found it very exciting but I clearly put my own gratification above her feeling which at the time I did not consider but seeing what this has done to her has made me realise how foolish this was. 

 

I really appreciate your Honesty here this is what I needed to hear

[SherrySher]

Before you try to save the relationship, why did you do it? What I mean is, what need do you feel you still need fulfilled by strange women on the internet when you already have a wife?

What part of you is still craving for this kind of attention? Or to indulge in this kind of behavior?

The reason why I ask, is because if you don't feel ready to completely settle down with one woman, remain loyal and are truly 100 percent happy with only her and her body, then it's not going to work.

It's one thing to engage in porn, it's another to become more personal in doing what you did.

That is considered cheating, most definitely.

I really do think you need to explore why it is you still feel you need this kind of stuff and if you are truly happy with only one woman.

Your partner may possibly forgive you, and will want to work on the marriage, however, it won't work if you go back to wanting to look, and wanting to be involved with other women like this.

If you're not done "playing the field", so to speak, its best to admit that to yourself and admit that to your partner.

But it's never okay to remain in a marriage for the comfort, love etc. that a marriage provides, but then do these kinds of sinister things on the side.

That's trying to have your cake, and eat it too, and it's just plain wrong.

Before you jump back into trying to save your marriage, or even create another human being, you really need to be honest with yourself and with your wife on what you will still crave and what you will be able to stop for good, or not.

Please don't get back together with her, or have a baby and then down the road start this up all over again.

You will destroy her and damage your future child if you do.

 

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, IdiotMale said:

I have been starved of Human interaction

If you're lonely, join a hiking club, or a book club, etc... but you specifically sought out sex.

Own it.

2 hours ago, IdiotMale said:

I found it very exciting

Then as a grown man, you need to realize that these kinds of temptations have consequences.

Some severe.

Loss of marriage, loss of a relationship, possible STD's, allowing people into your life that will not have your best interest in mind, and could cause further damage to your life, etc.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, IdiotMale said:

I have been starved of Human interaction

Your wife is not human?

Unfortunately this type of lame excuse makes matters worse.

Also porn, OnlyFans, webcam sex, SC, etc. are not "human  interaction".

You have to be more honest with yourself and her rather than portraying yourself as a victim of working from home and the pandemic, which the rest of the world is dealing with as well.

[smackie9]

If you want to change your behavior then make changes in your life instead of turning to an addictive activity. Counseling is what you both need right now.

[boltnrun]

You wanted to get off to other women. That's what it boils down to.

If that's what you want then tell your wife so she can divorce you and you can pursue stranger sex all you want.

But if you want to be married then you need to stop this damaging behavior.  And do not have a child until this is fully resolved.

[Lambert]

I think a lot of what you wrote sounds like excuses and you really don't have any empathy or understanding of how your wife feels.

How would you feel if she was sending & viewing sexual pics and chatting with real live men?

Would you believe it meant nothing and was just an interactive firm of porn?

Listen to what you're saying and consider if this was done to you... it's quite disturbing and hard to believe it's NOT a form of cheating.

And why are you so lonely? You can't handle time alone even though you live with your wife and I assume she came home each night? 

You really couldn't find a way to entertain yourself that didn't involve your sexuality while your wife was at work? 

That is pretty sad. considering there are many people that were/are alone 24/7 for months during this pandemic.

Don't be surprised if your wife leaves you.  Your attitude towards your transgressions is almost worse than the acts themselves and that's saying something. 

[Batya33]

I think the only way to salvage this is to apologize, tell her what you plan to do to make sure it never happens again and the consequences if you do (ask her what she would want -a certain amount of money? for you to give up a luxury you love? the end of the relationship??).  This of course assumes she is willing to give you a second chance but you must figure out how you are going to make sure it never happens again.

[Pleasedonot5]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the only way to salvage this is to apologize, tell her what you plan to do to make sure it never happens again and the consequences if you do...

I agree. Showing your partner that you will be taking concrete action and making plans to prevent this from happening again is the best way forward, OP. 

Also, work on the aspects of your relationship that were lacking. You are at fault for your infidelity, OP. But, you would not have been tempted to look around if you were fully happy with your relationship. Next time -- if there is a next time -- instead of seeking excitement and satisfaction elsewhere, you need to communicate and collaborate with your partner in order to find the excitement and satisfaction within your relationship.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, IdiotMale said:

i have found a forum which I could get snapchat users from and we could exchange dirty mpictures/messages. I have been using this a couple of times a month in place of pornography.

Okay, did you explain this to her?

Many do enjoy porn, not all do. So, if you explain this much.. but maybe if she still does not approve, then, can you discuss getting into porn, possibly together?  Many couples enjoy that bit 'together'.  My first ex did and I'd watch on occasion, but I wasn't always that into it - but it didnt bother me much if he'd watch some.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, did you explain this to her?

Many do enjoy porn, not all do. So, if you explain this much.. but maybe if she still does not approve, then, can you discuss getting into porn, possibly together?  Many couples enjoy that bit 'together'.  My first ex did and I'd watch on occasion, but I wasn't always that into it - but it didnt bother me much if he'd watch some.

This wasn't porn though. This was the OP exchanging sex related pics with real life people. I think most people would have issues with their partner exchanging nudes and communicating in a sexual way with someone else.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I agree. Showing your partner that you will be taking concrete action and making plans to prevent this from happening again is the best way forward, OP. 

Also, work on the aspects of your relationship that were lacking. You are at fault for your infidelity, OP. But, you would not have been tempted to look around if you were fully happy with your relationship. Next time -- if there is a next time -- instead of seeking excitement and satisfaction elsewhere, you need to communicate and collaborate with your partner in order to find the excitement and satisfaction within your relationship.

Yes but without at all blaming the victim for his inappropriate choices and actions.  Even impliedly. Alo people who feel the need to seek excitement outside the relationship and have values do so after they exit the relationship - it's never ever a justification or explanation for choosing to cheat or behave inappropriately.

[Pleasedonot5]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but without at all blaming the victim for his inappropriate choices and actions.  Even impliedly. Alo people who feel the need to seek excitement outside the relationship and have values do so after they exit the relationship - it's never ever a justification or explanation for choosing to cheat or behave inappropriately.

Yes, agreed.

[limichelle]

I believe you knew what you were doing was wrong so now you must face the consequences. It may be letting her leave you. She has every right too! 
 

You learned your lesson the affect of what you did. Now you need more personal growth and really should seek counseling. It’s best you understand why you were triggered deep down to betray her. I’m not talking about boredom or needing human touch. I’m talking about the nitty gritty reason why you didn’t care enough about her to not stop you. 

[Rose Mosse]

You may be taking out some of your frustrations by doing this. Buying a house together, pets and ducks, trying for a baby - all this sounds like a pressure cooker. You made a huge mistake thinking that any of this is acceptable but I think you are in denial about your relationship too. Perhaps this isn't the right time to be trying for a child. Do you want to be a father? 

Talk with your wife and be very honest, more honest than this. The relationship is broken but neither of you are willing to admit it.. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Is she your SO, or are you married?

Either way, I agree with the majority of others.

[tattoobunnie]

On 8/23/2021 at 5:20 AM, IdiotMale said:

I dont know how to proceed. I want to make this work and I will do everything in my power to make it work.

Speaking as someone who's hubs has been caught...but not to the same magnitude...but still emotional affair, you figure out why you do it, and apologize with words without blaming her in any way.  Saying that she gets to go out and talk to others doesn't cut it, it's gaslighting.  Give her access to all your emails, texts, phone, etc, and never ever give her grief about it.

Then, just give her time to process. You've had months to process what you were doing, she has not.

Ultimately, never ever do it again...even if you want to break up, just break up, don't drag her through this.  Porn is cool...but when you are interacting with a live person, that's just straight up emotional affair.

This is why you put a ring on it too.  If we weren't married with kids, I would have thrown all his stuff out the window, burned it, and never spoke to him again.  When you're not married with no common laws in place, less skin the game to put up with nonsense.