Should I not have said that? But does this mean he wants to work things out?

[Not-so-sure]

My boyfriend and I had a fight the other night. We said things to each other we shouldn’t have. 
 

I got a text message from him yesterday morning saying that we need some time apart. I told him how I felt and he said he needed some time to think about things. I asked him how long. He said just a few days. 
 

we exchanged some text messages yesterday. Then earlier this afternoon I got a text from him saying: “I do enjoy your company when we just talk.” Followed by another one saying, “I do see you as an honest and sincere person.” 
 

I responded about 5 minutes later, and I probably should have waited a few hours or longer so it doesn’t look like I’m waiting around for him. I just didn’t think of it and responded because I had my phone in my hands at the time doing something else on it. I responded to him with, “I’m glad you’re saying that. It’s nice to hear. I enjoy your company, too. You are also a sincere and honest person. I enjoy our conversations.” Then another one 1/2 hour later saying, “You’re a good person. You’re supportive, caring, and you’re genuine.” 
 

was that too much? Should I have said nothing at all, or was that appropriate? I really want to give him some space that he asked for. But part of me thinks, “why shouldn’t I respond”? Did I mess everything up? Was he trying to reach out as a way of saying he wants to work things out? Is he breaking up and wanting to make me feel better when it does happen? Although, I don’t think someone who wants to break up would say he enjoys my company. What does it all mean? Of course, I’m worried I’ll never see or hear from him again. How likely is that? 
 

One last question. In a day or so should I reach out to him saying I want to work things out, or should I wait for him to, if he does. I wrote him a letter telling him everything I have been thinking about after the fight. I am not sure if I should send it to him at all, wait, or send it because i think it’s time to talk. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

My boyfriend and I had a fight the other night. We said things to each other we shouldn’t have. I got a text message from him yesterday morning saying that we need some time apart. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? What was the argument about? How old is he?

Step way back, not by playing games, delaying texts etc., but by not begging pleading, asking how long, dragging out relationship talks and so on.

No. No letters. No texts. No calls. No anything. Space. Give yourself (and him) time to reflect.

Decide if you want to be with someone who de facto dumps you every time there's a disagreement.

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

was that too much? Should I have said nothing at all, or was that appropriate? I really want to give him some space that he asked for. But part of me thinks, “why shouldn’t I respond”? Did I mess everything up? Was he trying to reach out as a way of saying he wants to work things out? Is he breaking up and wanting to make me feel better when it does happen?

You're stressing over the wrong things. How you responded to his last messages is not that important. 

What is important is what this fight was about that led him to request space. What happened there? 

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Although, I don’t think someone who wants to break up would say he enjoys my company. What does it all mean?

You are reading too much into it. It could mean anything, he also said "when we just talk" implying that some other areas dont function and that maybe he just wants friendship. Its OK that you responded, doesnt matter if its right now or in 5 hours. But leave it at that and wait few days until dust settles and see where you stand. 

[Not-so-sure]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You're stressing over the wrong things. How you responded to his last messages is not that important. 

What is important is what this fight was about that led him to request space. What happened there? 

The fight was over the fact that I slept when a friend of his after we broke up before. It wasn’t to be spiteful. I met this guy only once. We got drunk and I was too drunk to drive home from the bar. He drove me home and it went from there. I didn’t even know how close friends they were until my boyfriend told me. If I had known I never would have done it. I never even should have been drunk. My boyfriend and I were broken up for a little over a month before we started working things out. Before the other night, he hadn’t even mentioned this incident for nearly a month and a half, until he did the other night. I thought we had worked it out and gotten past it. Things seemed perfectly fine until the other day when he started on me about it. 

[Not-so-sure]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? What was the argument about? How old is he?

Step way back, not by playing games, delaying texts etc., but by not begging pleading, asking how long, dragging out relationship talks and so on.

No. No letters. No texts. No calls. No anything. Space. Give yourself (and him) time to reflect.

Decide if you want to be with someone who de facto dumps you every time there's a disagreement.

We’ve been dating for about 5 months. We broke up once for about a month or so and went completely no contact. During that time I slept with a friend of his and I had no idea how close friends they were until my boyfriend told me. I got drunk at the bar and his friend drove me home and it just went from there. I didn’t do it out of spite. It just happened. If I had known that they were close as he says, I never would have done that. When we got back together we worked things out and I thought we got past that. He hadn’t mentioned it for a month and a half. Everything seemed fine until just the other day when he started going off on me about it. It really upsets him. We had a fight about it.

He’s 40 and personally, I think he’s too old for this sort of thing. I told him he needs to just let it go.  

[boltnrun]

On!y 5 months and already two splits? Yeah, this is not the right relationship. You two keep fighting and breaking up because you're incompatible but are trying to force it to work anyway.

Listen to what your gut is telling you (both of you). This is not the right relationship.

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

We’ve been dating for about 5 months. We broke up once for about a month or so and went completely no contact.

It's time to recognize that this relationship is toast. 

5 months is way too soon for two break-ups. I think your boyfriend picked this argument because he wants out and it's a convenient "excuse." But you two are not right together. This much drama so early on is your proof that it will not work out. 

Why did you previously break up, anyway? 

[Not-so-sure]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's time to recognize that this relationship is toast. 

5 months is way too soon for two break-ups. I think your boyfriend picked this argument because he wants out and it's a convenient "excuse." But you two are not right together. This much drama so early on is your proof that it will not work out. 

Why did you previously break up, anyway? 

We broke up over something that wasn’t even important looking back at it. We worked through that. The problem is, it seems to be one of these things where we’re miserable apart, but we don’t work out in a relationship. I am wondering what to do from here. Will he reach out again to talk? Do I just assume this “time apart” is how it’s going to stay? 

[lostandhurt]

I assume he initiated both break ups.  Am I correct?

How many days after the first break up did you have the one night stand with his friend?

 

Lost

[Not-so-sure]

7 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I assume he initiated both break ups.  Am I correct?

How many days after the first break up did you have the one night stand with his friend?

 

Lost

Yes, he did both times. I don’t remember how long it was. Maybe a couple of weeks after we broke up the first time. 

[lostandhurt]

Then leave him be for a week or so and then touch base with him and see if he wants to talk.  In person or over the phone works but no more texting.  There are way to many chances of misunderstanding texting.

  In the mean time think about why you really had sex with that guy.  Just being drunk isn't a reason.  This answer is more for you than him.  You were broken up so you didn't do anything wrong.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

We broke up over something that wasn’t even important looking back at it.

And what does that tell you about his true investment in you?

 

[Not-so-sure]

I honestly think that instead of it actually being this reason for the fight, and I thought about his using this as a convenient excuse just like the other person said. I really think that he runs from his feelings. He’s been very hurt in the past. He had two women just up and move away on him. He’s been cheated on before. I think that when things start getting serious, he falls in love, and gets scared and it terrifies him. I think he’s really afraid of being hurt again. I want a chance to work things out, because we do get along really well when things are great. We’re a lot alike. We have similar personalities. We connect on a very deep level. Yet, at the same time, if we did that, how many more times would this happen? 
 

I honestly don’t know what to do or think. Do we try again? Do I wait around for him to contact me even if to talk? What do I say to him? 

[Batya33]

I think investing more time in this is a waste  for the reasons others wrote.  

[MissCanuck]

You make a lot of excuses for him, OP. 

The likelihood of this becoming a solid relationship is just about zero. He seems to be ready to close the door on it anyway. 

[Not-so-sure]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

You make a lot of excuses for him, OP. 

The likelihood of this becoming a solid relationship is just about zero. He seems to be ready to close the door on it anyway. 

I know. I just can’t come to terms with that right now and I know I have to. I know that this is him and his issues. As another person said, I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the one with the issues. I have been nothing but supportive to him and been there for him. I just want to know what’s really going on with him. 

[Not-so-sure]

Now he just sends a text asking me “how are you doing”? Sigh! 

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now he just sends a text asking me “how are you doing”? Sigh! 

You could respond, then when you start getting too close he'll need another one of his time outs and you get to sit around waiting and hoping he deigns to contact you again.

He's probably willing to go for round 3, round 4 and round 5. Question is, are you? Do you enjoy being his yo yo?

[SooSad33]

Hey, he wanted a 'break', then give it to him!

Don't play his darn games.  Like you said he is in his 40's.

Don't need to answer to his minute, useless questions.  Just leave it be now.

He is mistreating you, totally.. because YOU are allowing it.

IF someone is totally into you, there will be no questions.

He is unstable and unable to give whole heartedly, you know this.

Then back off.. & stay that way.

YOU need someone in your life who can actually work with you, show you some affection and NOT run away at the first sign of an issue.

 

[Cherylyn]

Your text response was fine.  Don't elaborate more though because then it would be excessive.

As for should you reach out to work things out with him?  If you have anything to say or listen, save it for when you both see each other in person.  Constant correspondence and electronic communication gets lost in translation and then it results in an argument.  Writing back 'n forth will cause yet another fight and do you want that?  Tread lightly and err on the side of caution. 

Have a calm, in person discussion.

Another way to look at it is this:  If both sides are peaceful and the relationship is copacetic, why create drama?  There are times, when it's better to leave the past behind and start anew.  Stop dredging up old dirt otherwise he'll make it final and be done with you ~ permanently. 

[Not-so-sure]

And now I definitely ruined things. I did respond. I have been sick with COVID. I said, “I’m okay… it’s hard being stuck inside. I want to get out of my apartment and go do something with my daughter. How are you?” 
 

why do we always have to act like we’re fabulous after this sort of thing and pretend that we’re doing great? I think I have now ruined things. Did I? 

[Not-so-sure]

My boyfriend texted me, “how are you doing?” after a fight we had 2 days ago. This was after asking me for time to think. I’m at home sick with COVID. I have been vaccinated. He know’s I’m sick. I responded with, “I’m okay…it’s hard to be stuck inside and not smoking or drinking, but I’m getting through it pretty well. I want to get out of my apartment and do something with my daughter. How are you?” We both agreed to stop drinking and I quit smoking. When they ask how you’re doing, it often means they’re ready to talk. Everything I read says to go out with friends, be busy, and work on yourself and they’ll often come back. I feel I said the wrong thing. I thought what I said was fine. It’s the truth. He commented earlier today that I’m an honest person. I was being honest! Was I supposed to say, “I’m doing great!”? What’s wrong with being okay? He hasn’t responded. I know these are his work hours. Did I say the wrong thing? Will he respond to me? Is it okay to ask him if he wants to talk? 

[1a1a]

Nah, things are already ruined because this sounds like a wish-washy, commitment conflicted man. If you pull away, he’ll chase, if you let him in, he’ll lose interest and pull away. 
 

Find and read the book He’s Scared She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Consider letting this one go because he’s too insecure in every respect of the word. 

[LotusBlack]

I’m sorry you're feeling this way and sick with Covid. I hope you recover quickly!

I think you’re overthinking this. It shouldn’t be so confusing and feeling like you’re walking around on eggshells, scared of whatever direction you go in. You said nothing wrong, so stop acting like a criminal doing time for a crime. 

Even during a conflict, if you can’t feel strong, confident, and safe in yourself and your relationship, even with a fight (especially with a fight), then it is time to rethink the relationship. Either you’re anxious all on your own, unnecessarily (in which case, you need to learn how to overcome this mindset on your own), or the relationship is so fragile that it can’t handle times of honesty or rockiness (in which case, you should probably get out of it). 

Try to just focus on yourself and your daughter while you recover from covid. Stop angsting over a disagreement that was likely quite minor and a text message that was extremely unconfrontational.