Should I not have said that? But does this mean he wants to work things out?

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Sorry. Probably slim that we actually don’t. 

Right. So, when he wants to have sex, you're a definite option. You're especially an option at times like this, when you feel so rejected and worthless. 

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Seriously, what would happen if I just stopped communicating with him. Not block him, not ghost him, but just ignore him for a bit? Honestly, I’m pretty disgusted with him. 

6 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Would he keep contacting me and get clingy? Or would he just distance himself even more, 

I do think that you should stop communication with him. But I don't think you can outplay him at this game. 

[Not-so-sure]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I do think that you should stop communication with him. But I don't think you can outplay him at this game. 

But what would happen if I stopped communication? 

[Not-so-sure]

14 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Right. So, when he wants to have sex, you're a definite option. You're especially an option at times like this, when you feel so rejected and worthless. 

It seems so. But he knows that he can likely get it when he really wants it. He just doesn’t go looking for it. If he did, he could. He goes out to the bars a lot with his guy friends, a lot of whom are single. He has opportunities. Why me? If he wants nothing more than sex, then he can get that from elsewhere. 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Why me? If he wants nothing more than sex, then he can get that from elsewhere. 

Because he knows you're a sure bet, OP. 

This isn't complicated. He doesn't have to make any effort and you're right there. Easy peasy. 

[Jibralta]

54 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

He goes out to the bars a lot with his guy friends, a lot of whom are single. He has opportunities. Why me? If he wants nothing more than sex, then he can get that from elsewhere. 

Why do you think he's not doing that already? You're an option. He has other options that I am sure he utilizes. He just has to starve you a little and then give you the tiniest scrap of attention. It's like watering a plant.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

He has other options that I am sure he utilizes.

I was about to say the same thing. 

He probably already has hooked up with another woman, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Not-so-sure said:

I’m pretty disgusted with him. 

Then stop the Netflix and chill and inviting him over to hook up.

[boltnrun]

You've made it very clear you are desperate to try to hold onto him and will do anything, absolutely anything, to try to keep him. You'll do anything he wants anytime he wants. So why should he bother putting in any effort?  

He says something like he wants to "work it out" and you leap on it like a starving dog.

Desperation is not attractive.  Neither is giving away sex so easily. You act like you don't value yourself, so why should he?

You could try not communicating with him for a few days but the second he sends you a text or asks to come over you'll fall all over yourself responding.  He knows this.

Why is he so valuable but you believe you are not?

[Not-so-sure]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why is he so valuable but you believe you are not?

It’s not that I don’t think I’m valuable. I feel unlovable. I have felt that way for a long time. When I finally met someone that has shown me attention, affection, and someone who I connect with on a very deep level, I ran with it. I haven’t felt this way about someone for a very long time. It’s hard for me to just let go of someone. I know I have to, but it’s not something that’s easy for me to do. I make excuses and I keep giving him the satisfaction. 
 

[Not-so-sure]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Why do you think he's not doing that already? You're an option. He has other options that I am sure he utilizes. He just has to starve you a little and then give you the tiniest scrap of attention. It's like watering a plant.

I just don’t think he is. Many people we know, many of them are close friends of his all have told me that he goes to the bars alone and leaves alone. They’ve said that in years they haven’t seen him there with a girl. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

I just don’t think he is. Many people we know, many of them are close friends of his all have told me that he goes to the bars alone and leaves alone. They’ve said that in years they haven’t seen him there with a girl. 

A bar is not the only place where one can meet and hook up with women. 

Look, whether he's currently having sex with someone else is beside the point. He's been clear that you two are no longer a couple and this is casual now. 

This is not going to end well for you. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A bar is not the only place where one can meet and hook up with women. 

Look, whether he's currently having sex with someone else is beside the point. He's been clear that you two are no longer a couple and this is casual now. 

This is not going to end well for you. 

 

I agree.  Please don’t grasp onto straws especially gossipy straws.  

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

 I feel unlovable. 

Sorry this is happening. therapy would help this a lot more than hooking up with jerks.

[boltnrun]

47 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

It’s not that I don’t think I’m valuable. I feel unlovable. I have felt that way for a long time. When I finally met someone that has shown me attention, affection, and someone who I connect with on a very deep level, I ran with it. I haven’t felt this way about someone for a very long time. It’s hard for me to just let go of someone. I know I have to, but it’s not something that’s easy for me to do. I make excuses and I keep giving him the satisfaction. 
 

You're not "connecting on a 'very deep level'" right now. He's coming over, getting some sex and attention from you, then he leaves and only communicates with you casually. Plus he's broken up with you TWICE in 5 months. 

How is this supposed to help you feel "lovable"?

I can guarantee staying in this situation with all it's inherent anxiety and fear will NOT make you feel "lovable". Quite the opposite.

Why do you think no one would love you? What is it about you that you feel no one could ever love?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Not-so-sure said:

When I finally met someone that has shown me attention, affection, and someone who I connect with on a very deep level, I ran with it.

And it turned out, he's another dud. 

So, are you willing to make some changes? Or just do what you have evidently always done and go around in circles as this thing fizzles out too?

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

Many people we know, many of them are close friends of his all have told me that he goes to the bars alone and leaves alone. They’ve said that in years they haven’t seen him there with a girl. 

They are close friends of his. They're not gonna throw him under the bus. 

4 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

I feel unlovable. I have felt that way for a long time.

This is a difficult problem. It's tough to address because you don't believe in yourself enough to really try. So, you settle for the bottom of the barrel and all that does is make things worse. 

4 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

I finally met someone that has shown me attention, affection, and someone who I connect with on a very deep level, I ran with it.

Attention, affection, and connection are not love. Google "mirroring and manipulation." Also google "love bombing." 

A loving boyfriend will never let you pick yourself apart the way that you are.

What you have to do is love yourself, protect yourself, by letting go of him. You're also guilty of not loving yourself when you get together with guys who take advantage of you.

10 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

He has also said that he can go a long time without sex, which I also know he is being truthful about. 

This sounds like something a sex addict would say lol. I mean, anyone can go a long time without sex. It's not air for god's sake. Honestly, I think it's a big red flag that he even said this. A statement like this would be a joke for anyone but the sex-obsessed. 

[LaHermes]

18 hours ago, Jibralta said:

What you have to do is love yourself, protect yourself, by letting go of him. You're also guilty of not loving yourself when you get together with guys who take advantage of you.

Nothing more to be said is there, OP?  

You start by being good to yourself, loving yourself and getting back your self worth. 

[Not-so-sure]

On 8/13/2021 at 9:15 AM, boltnrun said:

Why do you think no one would love you? What is it about you that you feel no one could ever love?

I spent 4 years in an abusive relationship with a man who told me a lot, “no one will ever love you.” It was so traumatizing. It’s very true that if you hear something long enough, you believe it. I feel no one could ever love me because, honestly, I’m a real woman. I am honest, supportive, compassionate, and faithful. I have never cheated on anyone. I always tell the truth, and I’m a little socially awkward. But telling the truth has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I just can’t find it within myself to be dishonest with people. I could ask myself why men want women who are fake and can’t be genuine. 

[Not-so-sure]

I know I need to let him go. I know that’s what’s best for me, but I keep holding onto him. To be honest, I worry if I do, I’ll never meet anyone. This is the major cause of all of this. I don’t want to spend my life alone. I’m in my early 40’s. I was divorced and all my relationships have crashed and burned, including this one. He’s 40 years old. He’s a grown assed man! I would think he’s too old for these games. There comes a point when people need to grow up. The reality is, some people never do, and that’s just sad. 
 

I also know, in his defense, that he and I are so much alike. This is why it’s toxic to be together. Aside from sex, neither of us really want to be apart. It’s not fair to attack him, necessarily. He’s been through a lot, too.

[Not-so-sure]

On 8/13/2021 at 1:29 PM, Jibralta said:

They are close friends of his. They're not gonna throw him under the bus. 

This is a difficult problem. It's tough to address because you don't believe in yourself enough to really try. So, you settle for the bottom of the barrel and all that does is make things worse. 

Attention, affection, and connection are not love. Google "mirroring and manipulation." Also google "love bombing." 

A loving boyfriend will never let you pick yourself apart the way that you are.

What you have to do is love yourself, protect yourself, by letting go of him. You're also guilty of not loving yourself when you get together with guys who take advantage of you.

This sounds like something a sex addict would say lol. I mean, anyone can go a long time without sex. It's not air for god's sake. Honestly, I think it's a big red flag that he even said this. A statement like this would be a joke for anyone but the sex-obsessed. 

I just don’t know anymore. 

[Not-so-sure]

On 8/13/2021 at 9:26 AM, MissCanuck said:

And it turned out, he's another dud. 

So, are you willing to make some changes? Or just do what you have evidently always done and go around in circles as this thing fizzles out too?

Yes, I am willing to make changes. I just don’t know how. I have been this way for so long. I have changed a lot of things in my life for the better. This sort of thing I’m not quite there with yet. I am so afraid of being alone and I don’t want to be. I want to settle down and have a family, and another baby. I just don’t see it ever happening to me. 

[Not-so-sure]

2 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

They are close friends of his. They're not gonna throw him under the bus. 

I know. I never even asked anything to these people. They just told me. Why would they do that? What’s the point? Why even mention it? 

[Not-so-sure]

Sometimes I wonder, though, if people aren’t jealous of him! This mysterious woman comes from a major city across the country to a small town in the west. “Why does he get to have her?” 

As for him, I don’t know. I don’t know why a man would go such lengths and would put himself through all this if he just wants sex and to manipulate and play. He doesn’t have any self respect, either. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Yes, I am willing to make changes. I just don’t know how. I have been this way for so long.

Have you considered therapy? I mean that sincerely. It seems you're not making much progress (with men, anyway) on your own. A good professional can help you turn things around so you stop chasing the wrong guys. 

12 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

I know I need to let him go. I know that’s what’s best for me, but I keep holding onto him. To be honest, I worry if I do, I’ll never meet anyone.

But hon, this guy is not going to stick around either way. It doesn't matter if you don't want to let go - he is making that choice for you. This isn't going to last.