Should I not have said that? But does this mean he wants to work things out?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

the rational side of me asks, “WHY DO I KEEP ENGAGING HIM??”

Listen to your instincts on this. if you had a series of abusive relationships, continually engaging is the common theme.

Stop chasing bad men, including this one.

Leave him alone. Stop the relationship talks, groveling, etc.

Pull way back and reflect on what you want .

As you can see, the more groveling, relationship talks, texting, etc. that you're doing, the more confused and upset you're getting.

 It's not a casino where you keep pulling the lever for thrills hoping for a specific answer/outcome only to be disappointed over and over that you can't fix and change a slot machine.

[Lambert]

10 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

Why are you willing to deal with this?  

I don’t honestly know why. Well, I do. I guess I’ll say why. I spent 4 years in an abusive relationship with someone who told me, “no one will ever love you.” Every relationship I have been in has crashed and burned. I was divorced, and I have gotten to a point where I have accepted that no one will want me. I know it’s me, but don’t know what it is. Everyone else can have someone. Why can’t I? So when he came around, we connected so deeply and on such a level that is almost unheard of these days. I hadn’t loved anyone for a long time. He was there and it was amazing. I hadn’t felt like that for a very long time. And, things are amazing when we’re together. I fall too easily for people because I have been hurt so badly. I want to be loved and don’t understand why I can’t be. 

the rational side of me asks, “WHY DO I KEEP ENGAGING HIM??” My heart says something quite different, “just be patient. Try to work things out.”  
 

I have been hurt and abused for years and everyone has left me, including him. I have given up hope that I’ll ever meet anyone. That’s why this is so upsetting to me. I always think they’ll be no one else. 

Look at the parts I bolded. This is your actual problem. Not this guy. 

You don't love yourself. And as long as you keep chasing guys to prove to yourself your loveable, you will continue this pattern.

You have to do something that is very hard and uncomfortable, you have to choose you.  You have to decide you will be alone until someone that appreciates you comes along.

You take all that understanding and compassion you keep texting to this dude and give to yourself.

Write this done and read it a lot, "I'm going to love me through this.  I deserve love. Whatever it takes I will support myself"

Be OK with being alone... lean on your friends, family, and the people that reach out to you and invest in you! 

He's not investing in you.  And it's not your fault.  but what is your fault is allowing it.

Stop texting him. and ignore him. you don't have to explain anything to him.  

The trick is, you have to sacrifice this pseudo connection to attract a real one. 

Stop telling yourself you're so connected to him.  you're clearly not if he is only responding (not initiating). you are feeding yourself lies. 

I'm sorry it hurts but you're lying to yourself... you are loveable. you can do better than this.  better is out there.  Listen, the world is full of lousy, damaged people... but there are good ones, too. You gotta get yourself ready for a good one!  and that means rejecting everyone else.  

Work on you. that is the answer. 

[boltnrun]

You keep chasing the wrong men. That's why your relationships don't work.

Why do you keep humiliating yourself by groveling to him?  Is it that upsetting for you to be single for a while so you can figure out why you keep choosing the wrong men?

BTW, he doesn't seem like he respects you because you keep crawling to him.  If there's no respect there can be no love.

[Not-so-sure]

I know you all are right, and I don’t want to admit it. It’s really sad for me to know that this went from something amazing just a week ago, to him not even wanting to invest in me. I cannot control what he does. However, it would be nice if he actually told me where things are at so he doesn’t keep me in this holding pattern. I know some guys do this to string someone along and come around when it’s convenient. He needs to clearly define what it is he wants, because I’m not waiting around much longer. 

It has seemed since we met that he is invested. I mean, we got back together after a breakup. He initiated contact after having me blocked everywhere. That’s not someone who’s not invested in someone else. He wanted to work things out. Things have been going well, up until last Tuesday. I’d like to think that we just had a fight and he’ll talk when he cools down. So, what really happened then? 

someone mentioned in either this thread or another one, which got me thinking, why is he okay to hang out this “good friend” who disrespected him and slept with his ex girlfriend? What kind of friend, or man for that matter, sleeps with their good friend’s ex girlfriend? This is something that has bothered me the last couple of days. Why is it okay for him to hang out with this friend, but stop seeing me? His friend is as much to blame for this as I am. He doesn’t seem mad at his friend, but he is at me. It really hurts. I would think that if this truly bothered him, he would not want to see either one of us. Maybe it’s a guy thing? 
 

I know I am clinging at straws by telling myself that I should just give him time and he’ll come around. 
 

I’m going to stop initiating conversations with him. I ask myself, “what would happen if I ignore him?” Would he contact me? 

[Not-so-sure]

Now he just texted, “how are you? We’re just fighting a little bit, okay” what does this mean. Does he want to work things out now? 

[Lambert]

He can't be honest with you and tell you what is going on because he doesn't want to. 

If you stop contacting him, he will contact you, eventually.  He doesn't want to lose his ego boost. 

Stop kissing his butt and see how fast things fizzle out. 

[Lambert]

6 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now he just texted, “how are you? We’re just fighting a little bit, okay” what does this mean. Does he want to work things out now? 

Ask him.... what do you mean?  

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now he just texted, “how are you? We’re just fighting a little bit, okay” what does this mean. Does he want to work things out now? 

OP, we aren't him. We can't answer that. You need to ask him. 

Just understand that this man is not going to be the big love of your life. He will be a sometimes-boyfriend, at best. This will probably continue to be on-off until he meets the next woman he wants to date, and where will that leave you? You are keeping yourself in a holding pattern, not him. You can release yourself from this numpty whenever you want. He isn't responsible for you or how your love life plays out. You are. 

You need to make better choices if you expect better results. You don't make good choices with men, so you're left with other women's cast-offs. There is a reason these guys pick on you. And it's not because they love you or value you, girl. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now he just texted, “how are you? We’re just fighting a little bit, okay” what does this mean. Does he want to work things out now? 

Just answer the question. "I'm fine, going shopping with my daughter". End of story. Stop the text relationship talks. 

Unless he specifically states "I want us to work out and I'm sorry for treating you like crap and continually dumping you", move on .

Get sober. That will go a long way in avoiding feeling so damaged, unworthy that you think only creeps like this guy will bother with you.

[Usa1ah]

On 8/5/2021 at 4:15 PM, Not-so-sure said:

I responded about 5 minutes later, and I probably should have waited a few hours or longer so it doesn’t look like I’m waiting around for him. I just didn’t think of it and responded because I had my phone in my hands at the time doing something else on it. I responded to him with, “I’m glad you’re saying that. It’s nice to hear. I enjoy your company, too. You are also a sincere and honest person. I enjoy our conversations.” Then another one 1/2 hour later saying, “You’re a good person. You’re supportive, caring, and you’re genuine.” 

You are a game player if you think you should have not responded for a few hours. You are not sincere and honest if you play games like this. I really hope he realizes this and breaks things off. 

[Usa1ah]

On 8/5/2021 at 5:20 PM, Not-so-sure said:

We’ve been dating for about 5 months. We broke up once for about a month or so and went completely no contact. During that time I slept with a friend of his and I had no idea how close friends they were until my boyfriend told me. I got drunk at the bar and his friend drove me home and it just went from there. I didn’t do it out of spite. It just happened. If I had known that they were close as he says, I never would have done that. When we got back together we worked things out and I thought we got past that. He hadn’t mentioned it for a month and a half. Everything seemed fine until just the other day when he started going off on me about it. It really upsets him. We had a fight about it.

He’s 40 and personally, I think he’s too old for this sort of thing. I told him he needs to just let it go.  

You slept with his best friend???

 

This is a joke right?

 

Best friend or just a friend is f’d up. You are a real winner. Then you think he should just get over it. I can’t see what he sees in you. Someone capable of doing that to someone they care enough for to date. Right, of course it wasn’t out of spite. 

[Not-so-sure]

43 minutes ago, Usa1ah said:

You slept with his best friend???

 

This is a joke right?

 

Best friend or just a friend is f’d up. You are a real winner. Then you think he should just get over it. I can’t see what he sees in you. Someone capable of doing that to someone they care enough for to date. Right, of course it wasn’t out of spite. 

I said I didn’t know they were such close friends at the time. I only met this friend once, a week earlier. He mentioned he was friends with my then ex boyfriend, but no details about their friendship. We were broken up. We arranged to meet at a bar. I drank way too much and he drove me home. No, it absolutely wasn’t out of spite. I wouldn’t do that and that’s not the kind of person I am. It just happened and I feel horrible about it

[MissCanuck]

Why did this man break up with you the first time, OP?

[Not-so-sure]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Why did this man break up with you the first time, OP?

He had a sudden and serious crisis in his family. He didn’t want to break up, but he couldn’t give me his time or attention. I felt that was fair. I’d rather that than be left just waiting. He didn’t know how long it would be until things got back to normal. We got back together a little over a month later. So it’s not like this guy broke up with me because he’s unsure, or a jerk or anything. He had to. Family comes first. His family is very close and they needed him then. 

[Not-so-sure]

Just now, Not-so-sure said:

He had a sudden and serious crisis in his family. He didn’t want to break up, but he couldn’t give me his time or attention. I felt that was fair. I’d rather that than be left just waiting. He didn’t know how long it would be until things got back to normal. We got back together a little over a month later. So it’s not like this guy broke up with me because he’s unsure, or a jerk or anything. He had to. Family comes first. His family is very close and they needed him then. 

We did go no contact after that. We did have a little argument over something we were able to work out after we got back together. He did block me everywhere after that and explained that he had to because he didn’t want to deal with the argument right then. It was actually for the best. He did reach out again to me after and he made the initial contact with me. 

[MissCanuck]

On 8/5/2021 at 11:50 PM, Not-so-sure said:

We broke up over something that wasn’t even important 

 

10 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

He had a sudden and serious crisis in his family. 

I'm confused by your contradictory descriptions of the previous break-up. It wasn't that important, but it was a sudden, serious family problem?

[Not-so-sure]

I sent him a message about 40 minutes ago saying, “I know we’re just fighting a bit, sweetie. Does this mean you want to work things out and want to talk? I’m feeling bad about this and I want to work things out.” 
 

He texted back about 10 minutes ago saying, “I think we can work things out.” 
Is it okay to respond with, “I think so, too. Why don’t you come over after I’m out of quarantine. I only have 2 or 3 days left, and we’ll talk about stuff”? How do I respond? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

So it’s not like this guy broke up with me because he’s unsure, or a jerk or anything. He had to. 

People don't break up for that. He is a jerk if he dumps you when anything happens or has sex with others and covers it with the family emergency.

No he did not "have to", that's the BS he told you. Think about it. Do people end things, get divorced, etc. whenever something happens?

 What he meant is "you're too clingy and this is my exit".

[Not-so-sure]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

People don't break up for that. He is a jerk if he dumps you when anything happens or has sex with others and covers it with the family emergency.

No he did not "have to", that's the BS he told you. Think about it. Do people end things, get divorced, etc. whenever something happens?

 What he meant is "you're too clingy and this is my exit".

No, the family emergency really happened and it devastated his entire family. He wasn’t having sex with other people. 

[Not-so-sure]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

I'm confused by your contradictory descriptions of the previous break-up. It wasn't that important, but it was a sudden, serious family problem?

What I meant by that is at the time I wrote it, it wasn’t important why. The family crisis really happened and he was a wreck. 

[Not-so-sure]

5 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

No, the family emergency really happened and it devastated his entire family. He wasn’t having sex with other people. 

At the time it happened, we had only been dating a month and we just met each other then, too. It made sense at the time. 

[MissCanuck]

Whatever the case may be, he seems to be backing his way out of the relaitonship now. 

If he took you back knowing you had sex with his friend, and it's still bothering him and now is keeping his distance, it's probably never going to sit right with him. Just the way it is. 

Whatever happens, you badly need to work on your relationship anxiety and extreme fear of abandonment. Supplicating to a man is never attractive. 

[Not-so-sure]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Whatever the case may be, he seems to be backing his way out of the relaitonship now. 

If he took you back knowing you had sex with his friend, and it's still bothering him and now is keeping his distance, it's probably never going to sit right with him. Just the way it is. 

Whatever happens, you badly need to work on your relationship anxiety and extreme fear of abandonment. Supplicating to a man is never attractive. 

I know it’s not attractive. It’s something that has bothered me for years. 
 

He did send me a message about a half hour ago saying he thinks we can work things out. That makes me feel good, at least. It says he’s willing to take me back even after getting so upset about this friend issue. 

[smackie9]

After something like this, it's pretty much over. Throw in the towel. Right now this is just a long slow painful death. Things will never be the same.

Better to be single, work on yourself, so in future you can make better choices.

I did the go back to thing....it was another year of a lot of downs.

Best of luck

[Not-so-sure]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

After something like this, it's pretty much over. Throw in the towel. Right now this is just a long slow painful death. Things will never be the same.

Better to be single, work on yourself, so in future you can make better choices.

I did the go back to thing....it was another year of a lot of downs.

Best of luck

Then why did he just say that he thinks we can work things out? I don’t think that means it’s over.