Should I not have said that? But does this mean he wants to work things out?

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry you're sick. I had Covid.  It sucks big time. I hope you feel better soon. But don't go out! Stay in until you test negative. 

I'm not sure why you started a new thread, but I still think 2 breakups in 5 months means you're incompatible.  I wouldn't put up with a man who plays push-pull games like that. 

[melancholy123]

I think you were honest in your answer to him asking how you are.  Nothing wrong with that.  I think you are over thinking this and should concentrate on yourself and your health.

[boltnrun]

I posted in your other thread, but I think you should just let this one go. He's playing push-pull games and you've already had 2 breakups in 5 months. He's the last thing you need to be dealing with while you're trying to recover.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Not-so-sure]

Now I totally ruined things. I just texted him, “can we talk?” I’m hopeless.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now I totally ruined things. I just texted him, “can we talk?” I’m hopeless.

Why are you so terribly insecure that you think "can we talk?" ruined this?

This is a serious question, by the way. You have zero confidence, if this thread is anything to go by. Your self-loathing is leaping off the screen. You tiptoe around this guy and are afraid to have any interaction with him at all, and beat yourself up. Because I promise you, the way you send a couple texts is not what is ruining this.

Have you been this anxious and fearful in other relatonships as well?

[MissCanuck]

OP, you have an identical thread already going. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

. He had two women just up and move away on him.

They're smart. You need to do the same.

Why bother coddling someone who's got a tractor trailer of baggage and tosses you like trash whenever he feels like it?

Respect yourself. Walk away.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

…it’s hard to be stuck inside and not smoking or drinking.

Three things you could start focusing on rather than this clown 🤡

1. Your daughter. As well as better co-parenting, reinforcing relationships with trusted friends and family.

2. Your health. Mentally and physically. Get in shape. See a physician for a check up. Get a referral to a therapist.

3.Commitment to sobriety and smoking cessation. Join some support groups and start improvement of your life.

 

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

 

I'm sorry about your COVID!  I hope you heal and recovery quickly. 

When you say you're "OK," it doesn't mean you're doing great and fabulous.  Most people know this.  I wouldn't over analyze this otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

When a person asks how you're doing, it doesn't necessarily always mean they're ready to talk.  They're merely inquiring about you just to be gracious.  Their rhythm will dictate how the conversation goes and it's usually brief and superficial especially after a fight. 

Being busy with your own life doesn't always result in them coming back to you.  Many times people want time and space or eventual permanent time and space. 

There's nothing wrong with saying you're "OK" and not say you're doing great because doing great is not the truth when you're not feeling wonderful.  Don't read between the lines so much.  Saying you're "OK" is fine.  Usually a person with common sense can perceive that you're doing "OK" means you're trudging along in life.  Saying you're "OK" when you're sick is self explanatory and quite obvious. 

He's not responding because he's busy during his work hours.  He must concentrate and remain focused on his job and livelihood. 

If you really want to talk, text him after work hours and set up an appointment to have a phone conversation or leave a voicemail.  If he continues acting cool towards you, then back off and give him time and space.  If there's a lot of time and space week after week and his behavior is rather frosty, then his actions speak louder than words and he's drifting away from you. 

Don't bother, pester nor hound him.  Concentrate on taking care of your health, getting well and spending time with your daughter.  Don't be preoccupied and obsessed about him.  Set your priorities straight. 

 

[boltnrun]

You two have broken up twice in only 5 months.  That is not a sign of a stable relationship between two compatible people.  In fact, it's the opposite.

I think you have enough on your plate right now trying to recover from your bout with Covid.  Your health is more important than anything else.  I would focus on that instead of trying to get a guy who's broken up with you twice in such a short time to talk to you.

I hope your case is mild and you feel better soon.

[Lambert]

this is one of those things, he either finds a way past it or you guys go your separate ways. 

You can't change the past. it's as simple as that. 

I didn't read your past posts, but based on bolt's response, I agree. this is way too much drama for 5 months. 

you are both so mad you can't talk and need more time? sounds like you both really want to break up but are afraid to do it.

All "breaks" are just excuses made out of fear of being alone. When you know yourself, what you want and what you won't accept things get easier. 

Maybe you should break up. See what happens in the future. During time spent apart, healing happens. You learn more about yourself and become more confident in yourself. And you know better what can and can't be resolved for YOU and the other person is into the same or not.  Any indecisiveness, take as a not.

Free yourself of this situation. 

 

 

[melancholy123]

It's interesting he's mad at you yet he's gone back to hanging out with his friend!  Seems like a double standard to me.

If you want to be a better person, stop drinking to the point you get hammered and do stupid things.

Either he gets over it or he doesn't but you need to learn from this.

[SherrySher]

Honestly, that kind of toxicity doesn't go away.

You made a bad decision, you two have been fighting more than a couple should be.

I think you can sweep this under the rug, but it's done a great deal of damage.

I'm not sure you can recover from this, or should recover from this as you're not very compatible for this short of relationship. 

[SooSad33]

How do YOU make things right?

Well.. you can't fix what's happened, to start with. What's done is done.  And you're both out of sorts.

 

And reminder of yesterdays post:

I really think that he runs from his feelings. He’s been very hurt in the past. He had two women just up and move away on him. He’s been cheated on before. I think that when things start getting serious, he falls in love, and gets scared and it terrifies him.

I think he’s really afraid of being hurt again. I want a chance to work things out, because we do get along really well when things are great.

. . . 

IMO, I don't feel he is 'in love'... Not when you two have split up twice in your 5 months.  There has not been a chance for this relationship to grow.  Only set backs.

And no, the solution is not to break up.. See how he handles his issue's?  He pushes you away!

Yes, he is probably affected by his experiences with woman and can be a long time yet before he really manages to get close to another one.

As for this latest experience, I don't feel he will let it go.

He seems to hold onto too much negativity & it's eating him up inside. And there is no way you can make this better.

Is best to just work on accepting, this is not anything workable.  And to accept what is & work through your own issue's on your own.  (whatever he is told will not make his internal issue's better). 

 

[MissCanuck]

OP, is there a reason you keep creating new threads rather than sticking to your original one and repsonding to the posters there who took time to weigh in?

[Not-so-sure]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, is there a reason you keep creating new threads rather than sticking to your original one and repsonding to the posters there who took time to weigh in?

No, sorry. I’m new to this site. I should just do that. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

No, sorry. I’m new to this site. I should just do that. 

Mods will merge your threads anyway, but keep in mind it's against forum rules to open multiple duplicate threads. 

Sticking to the same thread also gives people more context and lets posters know you are actually reading and taking in what has already been suggested by others. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

I want to make things right.  I told him I wrote him a letter and I want him to read it 

Why chase someone who keeps breaking up with you? You're creating drama and instability in your and your daughter lives. Talk to a therapist, not a creep.

This is my take on it:

 

[Not-so-sure]

This all makes sense. It’s been a rough couple of days since our fight. Things have been hard on me. I do love him and we connect on a very deep level. When we broke up the first time, it was because he has a sudden and serious family issue he had to deal with. 
 

Part of me wants to stick around and see if we can work things out. Part of me does not. We want to be together and we’re good for each other. I just feel so torn. 

[boltnrun]

If he wants to be together why does he keep breaking up with you?

If you want a relationship where the man keeps breaking up with you or needing "a few days" break from you every time there's some kind of conflict, well, this is the man for you.  But if you want a secure relationship where you resolve conflicts together, this is not the man for you.

[Lambert]

On 8/5/2021 at 6:48 PM, Not-so-sure said:

I honestly think that instead of it actually being this reason for the fight, and I thought about his using this as a convenient excuse just like the other person said. I really think that he runs from his feelings. He’s been very hurt in the past. He had two women just up and move away on him. He’s been cheated on before. I think that when things start getting serious, he falls in love, and gets scared and it terrifies him. I think he’s really afraid of being hurt again. I want a chance to work things out, because we do get along really well when things are great. We’re a lot alike. We have similar personalities. We connect on a very deep level. Yet, at the same time, if we did that, how many more times would this happen? 
 

I honestly don’t know what to do or think. Do we try again? Do I wait around for him to contact me even if to talk? What do I say to him? 

Blaming being hurt as the reason for his wishy washy actions and being "afraid" of his feelings is TOTAL BS.  Don't do this to yourself.  

People who are that afraid of being hurt, should not date.  They should be alone and take care of themselves.  Not use others and act in selfish wishy washy ways.

People with true feelings for you will work WITH YOU.  It's not on you to need another chance to fix this.  This is about him not being ready to date.  He is not afraid of his feelings.  People are not afraid of their feelings.  That is an excuse.  Have you ever been truly afraid of your feelings?  You might think-- this scary, I don't want to be hurt... but somehow you're so into the person you don't want to act like a moron and lose them.  

So get real with yourself about some of this stuff and his actions.

Getting along really well when things are great is not anything special.  Everyone gets on great when things are great.  When stuff gets real, that's when you see what a relationship is made of.

Stop letting this guy jerk you around and you set the terms for yourself.  You have covid, probably feeling like poop, you don't need his crap. You are mother?  That makes me think you are probably a little too old for his high school BS.   Is he in or out?  Or rather are you?

Why are you willing to deal with this?  

I would kick this guy to the curb so fast, he'd wonder what happened. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

We want to be together and we’re good for each other.

I think you're sadly in a lot of denial, on both counts. 

[Not-so-sure]

5 hours ago, Lambert said:

Blaming being hurt as the reason for his wishy washy actions and being "afraid" of his feelings is TOTAL BS.  Don't do this to yourself.  

People who are that afraid of being hurt, should not date.  They should be alone and take care of themselves.  Not use others and act in selfish wishy washy ways.

People with true feelings for you will work WITH YOU.  It's not on you to need another chance to fix this.  This is about him not being ready to date.  He is not afraid of his feelings.  People are not afraid of their feelings.  That is an excuse.  Have you ever been truly afraid of your feelings?  You might think-- this scary, I don't want to be hurt... but somehow you're so into the person you don't want to act like a moron and lose them.  

So get real with yourself about some of this stuff and his actions.

Getting along really well when things are great is not anything special.  Everyone gets on great when things are great.  When stuff gets real, that's when you see what a relationship is made of.

Stop letting this guy jerk you around and you set the terms for yourself.  You have covid, probably feeling like poop, you don't need his crap. You are mother?  That makes me think you are probably a little too old for his high school BS.   Is he in or out?  Or rather are you?

Why are you willing to deal with this?  

I would kick this guy to the curb so fast, he'd wonder what happened. 

Why are you willing to deal with this?  

I would kick this guy to the curb so fast, he'd wonder what happened. 

I don’t honestly know why. Well, I do. I guess I’ll say why. I spent 4 years in an abusive relationship with someone who told me, “no one will ever love you.” Every relationship I have been in has crashed and burned. I was divorced, and I have gotten to a point where I have accepted that no one will want me. I know it’s me, but don’t know what it is. Everyone else can have someone. Why can’t I? So when he came around, we connected so deeply and on such a level that is almost unheard of these days. I hadn’t loved anyone for a long time. He was there and it was amazing. I hadn’t felt like that for a very long time. And, things are amazing when we’re together. I fall too easily for people because I have been hurt so badly. I want to be loved and don’t understand why I can’t be. 
 

I sent him a message this morning. “We’ll get through this, sweetie. I’m going to be supportive and I’ll listen. I want you to keep talking to me about it like you have because it lets you get your frustrations out. It’s good to do that. It makes it easier to work through it. I’m gonna change some things too. We’ll be okay.” 
He responded with: “Yes we will keep in touch and keep talking, how are you doing with the whole quarantine thing?” We’ll keep talking, is something I’m not quite clear on the meaning of. Is this saying he’s open to working things out, or he’s just wanting to talk about his feelings? 

So I told him. “It’s hard not being able to go out and do things, especially with my daughter. I’m getting a lot done at home, though. Been sleeping more. Covid has exhausted me and I’ve had a fever for a few days. I just want to get out of the house.” 
He responded with: “That sounds real sucky. As far as COVID goes.” 
 

I was supposed to go to a concert last night. We like the same music. I couldn’t go for obvious reasons. I sent him this: “It’s not great but not terrible. I’m getting things done. But yeah, it’s sucky. 

How was the concert last night? I wish I could have gone. I’ll be out of quarantine long before the next concert. It’ll be kick ass!”

he sends: “the band was good, as usual, a lot of us were there , I got to hangout with an old buddy from high school.” 
 

All I said back was, “good, I’m glad you had a good time.” 
 

the rational side of me asks, “WHY DO I KEEP ENGAGING HIM??” My heart says something quite different, “just be patient. Try to work things out.”  
 

I have been hurt and abused for years and everyone has left me, including him. I have given up hope that I’ll ever meet anyone. That’s why this is so upsetting to me. I always think they’ll be no one else. 

[MissCanuck]

If this is the type of man you typically get involved with (one who discards you easily), then you would be wise to step back and stay on your own for a while. Work on your self-worth, and improve your own personal standards for the men you let into your life. 

You're picking all the wrong ones, and not leaving when you should, which leaves no space for any of the good ones. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

He responded with: “Yes we will keep in touch and keep talking, how are you doing with the whole quarantine thing?” We’ll keep talking, is something I’m not quite clear on the meaning of.

As for this, well, he's nowhere near as invested in making this work as you are. You're desperate for his reassurance and he almost couldn't care less. 

He will keep you around for when it suits him but it's very clear he is not really bothered by all this. It gives him a good "excuse" to keep this casual, which is exactly what he is doing.