Should I not have said that? But does this mean he wants to work things out?

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Not-so-sure said:

Then why did he just say that he thinks we can work things out? I don’t think that means it’s over. 

Because he is being naive about how much it bothers him. 

 

[Not-so-sure]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because he is being naive about how much it bothers him. 

 

Now I’m confused! Does he want to work things out or not? 
 

I did respond to his message by saying, “I think we can, too. I’m glad you said that. Why don’t you come over after I’m out of quarantine, I only have 2 or 3 days left and we’ll talk about stuff.” 
 

He could simply be horny, too! 

 

[boltnrun]

Sure, you can "work things out".  Until the next breakup.  Then you'll be back to where you are right now.  And then maybe get back together.  And then breakup again.

When you imagine your ideal love relationship, how many breakups does it include?  Do you imagine your partner for life breaking up with you every time there's some kind of conflict, crisis or personal issue? Do you imagine your dream man to be one you are afraid to ask questions of?  Does your perfect man make you feel uncertain, anxious and fearful that he might be mad at you?

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Not-so-sure said:

Now I’m confused! Does he want to work things out or not?

As I already said before, I personally don't think he has serious intentions with you. 

And this will probably happen again. So does it want it work it out? For now, sure. But I would not count on him sticking around. Sorry. 

[Not-so-sure]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sure, you can "work things out".  Until the next breakup.  Then you'll be back to where you are right now.  And then maybe get back together.  And then breakup again.

When you imagine your ideal love relationship, how many breakups does it include?  Do you imagine your partner for life breaking up with you every time there's some kind of conflict, crisis or personal issue? Do you imagine your dream man to be one you are afraid to ask questions of?  Does your perfect man make you feel uncertain, anxious and fearful that he might be mad at you?

I will tell you, that if this happens again, we’re done for good, and I’m going to tell him that, so he knows that I’m not putting up with his *** again. I cannot keep going through this with him. The reason I’m willing to now is because he really is a great guy and we connect very deeply, we’re very similar, and he’s been very supportive of me when I’ve gone through something major recently. It’s resolved now, but he was there for me when I needed him. Whether it actually works out this time remains to be seen. If not, then I will not take him back again. It seems he does want to be with me because he wouldn’t be willing to take me back after his getting so angry about the friend issue. 

[Not-so-sure]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

As I already said before, I personally don't think he has serious intentions with you. 

And this will probably happen again. So does it want it work it out? For now, sure. But I would not count on him sticking around. Sorry. 

It remains to be seen. He may not have serious intentions. I will tell him that this won’t happen again because if it does, I’m not taking him back again. I want to find out what exactly he wants. He needs to be clear about that. He needs to tell me what exactly his intentions are. He does genuinely care for me, but we need to be on the same page. If he does want a casual relationship, then I have to tell him I’m not sure I’m willing to do that. He is either with me or he’s not. 

[MissCanuck]

You're making the mistake of relying on his words instead of his actions. People will sometimes tell you anything they think you want to hear. It doesn't mean they're being sincere. 

Listen to what he says, if you wish. But then watch what he does. 

[smackie9]

It's sounding like a Ross and Rachael thing.

[Not-so-sure]

So, now I think I totally ruined things. We made plans to meet on Wednesday night. He started “sexting” me today. I went along with it. Though, it’s more important to talk right now. I won’t say the contents of my last one to him. I like my privacy. He started it. He mentioned being. “Inside me again.” I sent him a message back. To which he responded, “It will happen!” It seemed like everything was the way it was before. I texted him, “good night! Sweet dreams!” We always said goodnight to each other: he always responded right away. He didn’t. It’s been hours. I think that last one may have been too much for him. He started the “sexting” first. I would have been okay without it. I was only teasing him. I feel horrible, because we arranged to meet and talk. If only I hadn’t sent that last message.

[Not-so-sure]

3 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

So, now I think I totally ruined things. We made plans to meet on Wednesday night. He started “sexting” me today. I went along with it. Though, it’s more important to talk right now. I won’t say the contents of my last one to him. I like my privacy. He started it. He mentioned being. “Inside me again.” I sent him a message back. To which he responded, “It will happen!” It seemed like everything was the way it was before. I texted him, “good night! Sweet dreams!” We always said goodnight to each other: he always responded right away. He didn’t. It’s been hours. I think that last one may have been too much for him. He started the “sexting” first. I would have been okay without it. I was only teasing him. I feel horrible, because we arranged to meet and talk. If only I hadn’t sent that last message.

He seemed okay with it. So now is he avoiding me? Things have been rocky and maybe I pushed too much. He kept the “sexting” going. If I hear anything at all from him, “I need more time.” I feel horrible. I should have left it alone. Left him alone. Never hours have even responded. When will I learn? I need to just not be with anyone for a long time. Not until I feel secure. 

[Rose Mosse]

So just leave it alone now. Take a deep breath, stay calm and chuck your phone in another room for a few hours. Go about and do other things in the house. How's your daughter doing?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Not-so-sure said:

When will I learn? I need to just not be with anyone for a long time.

I agree, kindly. 

This man has sent your anxiety through the roof, and what for? A guy who's broken up with you twice, needs space from you but he's okay getting his rocks off to you? You're going in cirlces panicking here. 

He does not respect you at all. He does not take this relationship seriously. I hope you are starting to see that. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

. He started “sexting” me today. I went along with it. 

Consistent with his overall disrespect for you is demoting you to hook up material.

You want a BF, he doesn't want to be that for you. You continued allowing the sexting out of desperation for attention.

It's unclear what you want out of this. A BF? A FWB? Because you're acting like all you want is hookups.

[boltnrun]

You said you were going to tell him if he breaks up or asks for a break again you were done.

Did you tell him this? Or did you decide not to because you're afraid?

Giving him sex in any form before this issue is resolved shows him you do not respect yourself.  So why should he respect you?

[Not-so-sure]

So, we got together last night and it was pretty good. We talked over a lot of things, and had good sex. He told me that he decided to get over the friend issue. I told him things that have been bothering me. Stuff about my feelings for him, asking if he felt the same. He explained some things. He slept over. When he left this morning, we had a really nice kiss and arranged to get together tomorrow night. All day he has been distant. He left my house at 7:30 this morning. He said he had a busy day. He works two jobs. I texted him about five minutes to 4 this afternoon before he started his second job. He didn’t text me back until after 7:00 this evening. Mind you, this is unusual for him. He usually texts me not long after. He also typically texts me in the afternoon at some point between the time he leaves his first job and goes to his second. 
 

My 8-year old daughter has been staying with me all summer. She leaves tomorrow to go home with her dad who lives out of state. When he texted me after 7:00 he said, “It’s been a busy day today, I haven’t been able to get back with you.” Then another one that said, “I’m glad you had a good day with your daughter.” Then a 3rd that asked if it’s my last day with her. I sent him back the following message about 8:00 “That’s okay. I had a really busy day, too. Spent the entire day with my daughter just doing fun stuff with her, and now we’re watching a movie. Yeah, it’s my last day with her and I’m really sad. Tomorrow is gonna be a really hard day.” He texted back with, “I know that’s going to be really hard for you.” Then another one that said, “I wish all the luck for you on that.” I texted back with, “Thanks, sweetie. It’s hard to watch her leave. We had such a nice summer together. She’s been crying a lot of the night, and so have I. She finally fell asleep. We’re gonna see my parents in the morning so they can say say bye to her.” He responds with, “that’s sad, I’m sorry.” I send one back about 10:45 tonight that said, “It’ll pass, but it’s not easy. It’s a feeling of loss and emptiness. I’ll miss waking up to her laughter in the mornings, our bedtime stories, movie nights, and just hugging and cuddling. It’s the little things that matter the most.” Then with “I’m off to bed. Goodnight and sleep well.” No response at all. He always says goodnight to me, either he send it first, or I do. 
 

His responses to my texts seem like he sent them because he had to to be considerate. They seem a bit on the cold side, almost. Do they? He seemed distant today. He seemed cold. What is going on with him? He very could not have texted “goodnight back” for one of 3 reasons: He fell asleep, he doesn’t really want to talk to me, or he is drunk. He also didn’t call me honey, sweetie, or one of the several pet names he calls me. 

I do know that a lot of guys don’t really know how to respond to emotional things when it comes to women, and he thought he was being supportive. Maybe his lack of response is because he doesn’t really know how to really respond? I don’t know. 

It seemed everything was fine when he left this morning. Maybe I am again overthinking things? 

 

[Not-so-sure]

It seems to me that there may be some emotional unavailability there. Not just with this tonight, but in other areas. Like last night when we talked, I was asking him where I stood. He said he doesn’t want to put labels on it. When we got back together and got more serious, it seemed we were back together full force, but in honesty, we never established whether we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Yet, when we dated before, he had no problem introducing me as his girlfriend to anyone and everyone. So it isn’t “labels.” We also talked about whether or not he really loves me. He said something about not necessarily having to say it in words, and that so many people say it then they break up, or they cheat, or they’re dishonest. That it’s more important to show it. He also said that we’re keeping things light. 
 

He didn’t really seem overly responsive to my texts tonight. It’s possible he can’t necessarily be responsive when it comes to emotional things, and grant it, a reasonable amount of men are like this, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re emotionally unavailable. Some guys just don’t respond well, or feel they don’t know how to help. 

[MissCanuck]

54 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

Like last night when we talked, I was asking him where I stood. He said he doesn’t want to put labels on it.

 

54 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

We also talked about whether or not he really loves me. He said something about not necessarily having to say it in words

 

54 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

He also said that we’re keeping things light

You are not his girlfriend anymore, in other words. And you two are not in a relationship again. You're sleeping together and it's casual. Understand that this also generally means he will be free to see other women, if he chooses. You would be naive to think he isn't keeping his options open at this point. 

Stop messaging him emotional things. Men know how to respond - he just doesn't want to. You're not understanding that keeping things "light" means he doesn't want to hear about your tears and loneliness and struggles. He's distancing himself for a reason and it's because he doesn't want to play the boyfriend role to you. Meaning, he doesn't want to be your shoulder to cry on. 

You are going to get heartbroken all over again. You want a boyfriend, and he's making it abundantly clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore. Sex and casual fun, sure. Relationship and boyfriend-girlfriend? No.  So you're not over-thinking things at all, actually. Your fears are correct this time. 

[Not-so-sure]

It seems to me that before our fight, we were really close and it really seemed like we were back together since we got back together. Maybe I shouldn’t have texted him all that about the stuff about how I feel about my daughter leaving. I hope that didn’t push him away entirely. I was more venting than anything else. He did eventually respond with “sweet dreams!!” If he wants to be free to see other women, then why bother to tell me over the last few days that he feels we can work things out? Why wouldn’t he have just kept it as a breakup? If he just wants sex and casual fun, he can have that without me. He was asked by a friend over the weekend, “hey, let’s go pick up women.” He has opportunities. He told his friend that he didn’t want to and that it’s not his thing and for him to go do that without him. He could have if he wanted to. I do feel there is part of him that cares for me, and there’s a reason he keeps wanting to work things out, and it isn’t just for casual fun and sex. I sometimes think he’s conflicted about things he wants. He’s shown that in the past. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Not-so-sure said:

 we got together last night and  had good sex. 

It seemed everything was fine when he left this morning. Maybe I am again overthinking things? 

 

Unfortunately, you already know he's only in it for the hookups.

The only reason he asked about your daughter is to know when you'll be more available for hooking up.

You know very well that he doesn't give a crap about your child and just wants to know when she'll be out of his way.

He doesn't care, doesn't want a label. You know this. Why keep asking?

You as well seem more interested in hooking up. He's not conflicted, you are. You're pretending it's a relationship but you just want drive by sex.

Get better at co-parenting. Why is your child's real home with her father?

[Jibralta]

13 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

If he just wants sex and casual fun, he can have that without me.

Yes, but let's talk about success rates. What are the chances that you're not going to sleep with him when he stops by?

[Not-so-sure]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, but let's talk about success rates. What are the chances that you're not going to sleep with him when he stops by?

He did tell me several times and I told him that we’re fine not having sex when he comes by. That we’re both fine just cuddling on the couch and watching TV. I don’t think we would have both said that if he only wants sex. I know he’s sincere about that. He has also said that he can go a long time without sex, which I also know he is being truthful about. 

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, Not-so-sure said:

He did tell me several times and I told him that we’re fine not having sex when he comes by. That we’re both fine just cuddling on the couch and watching TV. I don’t think we would have both said that if he only wants sex. I know he’s sincere about that. He has also said that he can go a long time without sex, which I also know he is being truthful about. 

You didn't answer my question, though. 

[Not-so-sure]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You didn't answer my question, though. 

Sorry. Probably slim that we actually don’t. 

[Not-so-sure]

Seriously, what would happen if I just stopped communicating with him. Not block him, not ghost him, but just ignore him for a bit? Honestly, I’m pretty disgusted with him. 

[Not-so-sure]

Just now, Not-so-sure said:

Seriously, what would happen if I just stopped communicating with him. Not block him, not ghost him, but just ignore him for a bit? Honestly, I’m pretty disgusted with him. 

Would he keep contacting me and get clingy? Or would he just distance himself even more,