Is my partner being honest about what he wants?

[ArabellaM]

I worry my partner isn’t being honest about what he wants. We’re in our late 20s, been together about 1 1/2 years.

We separated for about 3-4 months after an argument in which he said in certain circumstances there was a 1% chance he would sleep with another woman when we were married. When we started talking again he said that was a hypothetical kind of situation and that he has no intention of ever being unfaithful. We’ve spoken about checking out other girls and having girls on his Instagram. He’s said he’ll make an effort to stop checking out others and has deleted his Instagram account. So I feel he’s making an effort. 

 He wants to get married, we plan a life together, house, where to live, kids etc. but I’m worried he wants something else, a younger, classically ‘hot’ wife like he says his friends have and want, but is with me so he can marry and have that part of his life “sorted”. I told my sister and she said she thinks he’s jealous of their idea, although he says different. She doesn’t trust him. I do, but am worried. I don’t know if my feelings for him cloud my vision of the situation. Any help would be massively appreciated. I feel so conflicted. 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

but is with me so he can marry and have that part of his life “sorted”.

Did he tell you this?  Or are you just assuming this is what he thinks?

[ArabellaM]

sort of. He has said he wants to marry as a priority in terms of life plan, and that he’s found the person he wants to spend his life with. But once when talking about dating and his friends he said he had his love life sorted. 

[itsallgrand]

Can you share more about what he's been doing as far as checking out women and what he does on Instagram that had you concerned enough to ask him to stop? Specifically? 

 

[ArabellaM]

With Instagram (sorry! Speaking as someone who doesn’t have or use insta) loads of the story circles we’re young, hot girls. As for checking out others, for example, when walking out somewhere, a pretty girl would walk past and he’d look and follow her with his eyes. I said it wasn’t ok and made me feel bad. He said if there was a beautiful girl he couldn’t help but notice, which I understand, but he accepted what I said and agreed he wouldn’t look so much anymore. 

[SooSad33]

It is normal for anyone to look.  To act is a different story.

I wonder if YOU are now affected by too much on him?

What is fact is 'reality' in life.  No, we cannot be living a 'fantasy life', by living on wishes that we will be with some model. ( heck, even those relationships fail).

 ( I am guessing you do NOT find yourself as some 'hot' chick/wifey? - and like he's kinda just settling?  Not so good 😕 ).

Thing is.. is do YOU feel your relationship is strong enough?  Do YOU feel comfrotable enough & things are, for the most part stable? 

Been together about 1.5 years and have split up once already 😕 .

 

[itsallgrand]

To be honest, I find it difficult to say what is going on here one way or another. There's so much grey area and it's hard to form a strong opinion without knowing more. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ArabellaM said:

He wants to get married, we plan a life together, house, where to live, kids etc. but I’m worried he wants something else, a younger, classically ‘hot’ wife 

 Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Do you feel he is disrespectful?

You seem uncomfortable with his 1% remark and wandering eye. 

People will look at attractive people, but if he's rubbernecking to check women out, he's not being respectful.

Unfortunately your description has a sort of "he's settling for me" vibe. Is that what you're worried about?

How is the relationship overall? Are you happy? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

People will look at attractive people, but if he's rubbernecking to check women out, he's not being respectful.

Yes this.  I find his one percent comment honest and bizarre.  I'm old enough to be your mama and have dated many men been serious with several and married to one and I've never heard of a man saying to a woman he loves that there is a one percent chance he'd have sex with someone else.  If he actually thought that through I'd take a guess it's way more than 1 percent particularly since as Wiseman wisely put it he's rubbernecking -on IG and in real life.  He knows his propensities and it's an easy out if he meets that "one percent" person - you were forewarned.  I couldn't stomach it.  Can you? Like, can you imagine him writing his wedding vows and saying "well as we know there are no guarantees in love and it's all a risk but I pick this woman to be my lawfully wedded wife and promise to be loyal and faithful keeping in mind there are no guarantees". 

We all know there are no guarantees in love and marriage and commitment but you know why we don't express it that way? Because it's obvious and doesn't need to be said --- unless you're a person who knows that you likely won't be able to live up to the commitment.

[lostandhurt]

This worry you have will only increase as the marriage goes on. He has shown some pretty disrespectful behavior towards you and you have only been dating a short time.  Once married and he knows he has you locked down it will get worse. 

  It sounds like he subtly puts you down so you will be weak and he can control how you view things and his behavior. This is not good.

How many relationships have you been in before this one?

Do you feel like he is the best you can do?  Do you feel like you are running out of time to get married?

Lost

[Capricorn3]

All I can say is, when in doubt, DON'T.  Heed the warning flags and your gut feelings. I would put all plans of marriage to this guy on hold for a long, long time.  Time to seriously rethink this relationship.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with these worries. 

3 hours ago, ArabellaM said:

With Instagram (sorry! Speaking as someone who doesn’t have or use insta) loads of the story circles we’re young, hot girls. As for checking out others, for example, when walking out somewhere, a pretty girl would walk past and he’d look and follow her with his eyes. I said it wasn’t ok and made me feel bad. He said if there was a beautiful girl he couldn’t help but notice, which I understand, but he accepted what I said and agreed he wouldn’t look so much anymore. 

You are reading too much into the Instagram story circles. He should not be faulted for Instagram's algorithms. Was deleting his Instagram account his initiative or did you tell him to do that? 

His gawking at others while he is with you is both rude and gross. A glance is almost a reflex but staring is a deliberate choice. I think I see what you mean there - I am glad he has said he will not do that anymore. 

Quote

But once when talking about dating and his friends he said he had his love life sorted. 

You are giving the word "sorted" way too much power. There is nothing wrong with his having his love life "in order" or "all set," which is what sorted means in that context. 🙂 

--

Hope this helps.

[Kwothe28]

I mean its a dumb comment. What are the circumstanes in general? That you neglect him? That Alexandra Daddario shows up at his door? Its not really something people think about in general when they are in happy relationship. As for this

3 hours ago, ArabellaM said:

for example, when walking out somewhere, a pretty girl would walk past and he’d look and follow her with his eyes. I said it wasn’t ok and made me feel bad. He said if there was a beautiful girl he couldn’t help but notice, which I understand, but he accepted what I said and agreed he wouldn’t look so much anymore. 

that is just disrespectful. 

[ArabellaM]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

How many relationships have you been in before this one?

Do you feel like he is the best you can do?  Do you feel like you are running out of time to get married

honestly, I came to the game a bit late, so this is the first serious relationship for both of us. I do feel I’m running out of time, and I’ve walked away from opportunities before, and that guy is now married with a kid. I’m scared of walking away from someone I love, and who loves me, because of my fears and how I feel sometimes, or because I think I’ll find something better. But then I see my friends who are engaged/long term relationships, and I doubt they ever feel the worry I do that their other half wants something else. Maybe I’m wrong?

[ArabellaM]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the breakup about? Do you feel he is disrespectful?

Unfortunately your description has a sort of "he's settling for me" vibe. Is that what you're worried about?

How is the relationship overall? Are you happy? 

We broke up about the 1% comment. I said it wasn’t good enough, then when we reconnected he said he’d made a stupid comment and that he would be completely faithful. I am worried he’s settling, all his friends have classically young, hot gfs - he’s a bit younger and has some ever younger friends, plus is russian, so you can imagine the gfs. So I worry he’ll be jealous/looking at others, but he’ll have his settled, bog-standard English wife at home kinda thing. 
thing is, I’m happy, very happy, until something comes up like when my sister suggests he’s jealous of the possibility of his friend getting a young hot wife and says he mentions it a lot (which I’m oblivious to) 😕  

[ArabellaM]

8 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Was deleting his Instagram account his initiative or did you tell him to do that? 

--

Sorry, I’ve messed up the reply on this 😅 deleting Instagram was his idea. I was going to suggest he remove any girls he literally didn’t know, but he did that so I left it. I was kinda relieved though I must say. 

thank you for your answer! 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, ArabellaM said:

my sister suggests he’s jealous of the possibility of his friend getting a young hot wife and says he mentions it a lot (which I’m oblivious to)

I don't really understand this - do you genuinely not hear the comments he makes about his friends hot, young wives?

How does your sister hear these comments, but you don't?

[ArabellaM]

38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't really understand this - do you genuinely not hear the comments he makes about his friends hot, young wives?

How does your sister hear these comments, but you don't?

I don’t know tbh. Maybe I mention them to her and I forget and move on? I can only think of 2 or 3 occasions where this has come up from him. But maybe I’ve forgotten others 

[MissCanuck]

I think all of this comes down to a couple things:

1) He's made some boneheaded comments before, that would sting any partner on the receiving end. 

2) You generally don't feel very good about yourself. 

For the record, it's also likely not true that your married or engaged friends never have these sorts of doubts or concerns. Being engaged or married does not mean these kinds of problems never crop up, OP. Take a look around these threads and see how many married folks come here worried about their spouses's behaviour or sudden interest in someone else. They might have made a promise to be together forever, but that is not the same thing as being genuinely committed in your heart to someone. We'd like to think being married takes cares of that, but that is not always the case. 

I have been approached by enough married men to assure you that folks of all walks of life and relationship status are not immune to these issues. 

[ArabellaM]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think all of this comes down to a couple things:

1) He's made some boneheaded comments before, that would sting any partner on the receiving end. 

2) You generally don't feel very good about yourself. 

For the record, it's also likely not true that your married or engaged friends never have these sorts of doubts or concerns. Being engaged or married does not mean these kinds of problems never crop up, OP. Take a look around these threads and see how many married folks come here worried about their spouses's behaviour or sudden interest in someone else. They might have made a promise to be together forever, but that is not the same thing as being genuinely committed in your heart to someone. We'd like to think being married takes cares of that, but that is not always the case. 

I have been approached by enough married men to assure you that folks of all walks of life and relationship status are not immune to these issues. 

Thank you for your answer. So what do you think? I know I have trust and insecurity issues, I don’t make it easy for him always, I know that. But does it sound like I’m right to worry? Am I marrying into a not right situation? Sounding desperate here I know. Been on a 2 day meltdown 😅 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, ArabellaM said:

He’s said he’ll make an effort to stop checking out others

This would concern me. 

It's not hard to not gawk at others. It does not require "effort." One simply does not do it anymore. 

I personally would not be able to marry someone I had so many doubts about. I would prefer to be with a man who is more mature and does not introduce such anxiety into the relationship to begin with. Someone who has more discretion, and someone who makes me feel I am what they desire.

It does not make sense to agree to a lifelong commitment when you are not totally sure you are what your partner wants. 

[ArabellaM]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Thank you for your advice 

[LaHermes]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I personally would not be able to marry someone I had so many doubts about. I would prefer to be with a man who is more mature and does not introduce such anxiety into the relationship to begin with. Someone who has more discretion, and someone who makes me feel I am what they desire.

It does not make sense to agree to a lifelong commitment when you are not totally sure you are what your partner wants. 

Flagging you up, Ms. C.  I entirely agree and neither would I marry someone like that.  Op, remember, "when in doubt, don't". 

[abitbroken]

Did you initiate the break.

It could be that he was bad with words, saying that there is only a 1% chance might be someone's way of saying that the possibility is nil.  If he says he sorted out his love life, it means he figured it out and what he wants.

I think you are too insecure to get married yet.  The rubbernecking is not great, but a confident woman would have called him out. Not in a big "talk" but in the moment "Hey, I'm over here" with a smile or "well she's pretty but she doesn't have my butt..." with a laugh to let him know he's on notice.  He may not realize he is doing it, and if handled that way, he would feel embarrassed perhaps and stop doing it consciously.  If he is caught red handed, then he can be judged AFTER that moment and you can make a decision on him after that.

[dias]

7 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

"well she's pretty but she doesn't have my butt..." 

😉