Is my partner being honest about what he wants?

[abitbroken]

11 minutes ago, dias said:

😉

LOL.   There are confident women that when a guy looks at their boobs, she says" Hey dude, my eyes are up here vs not saying anything and crying in her pillow. The guy turns red and doesn't do it again

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy who would loudly comment about women he saw who had large breasts when we were out in public. He'd loudly say "look at that big t*tted one over there!" I do not have large breasts, btw. So I turned it back on him. One day I loudly said "Look at that huge <slang for man parts> on that guy over there!!" He got the point and never did it again. I did dump him anyway however because he was an oaf.

OP, is your boyfriend obvious and rude about it? Or does he discreetly glance?

[ArabellaM]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OP, is your boyfriend obvious and rude about it? Or does he discreetly glance?

😄 I wish I had your attitude in that situation! He’s obvious about it, but not deliberately. He’s very socially awkward, unaware of what’s socially acceptable (I’ve died at some dinner conversations in public), hurtful and disrespectful at times, but I know he loves me, even if in his way. I’m trying to measure all the times I’ve felt ***, and wondering if it’s because he’s immature, this is his first relationship, maybe he’ll get better and more aware as he gets older. 

[DancingFool]

6 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

😄 I wish I had your attitude in that situation! He’s obvious about it, but not deliberately. He’s very socially awkward, unaware of what’s socially acceptable (I’ve died at some dinner conversations in public), hurtful and disrespectful at times, but I know he loves me, even if in his way. I’m trying to measure all the times I’ve felt ***, and wondering if it’s because he’s immature, this is his first relationship, maybe he’ll get better and more aware as he gets older. 

OP....you are making way way too many excuses for this guy and his awful behavior and treatment of you. You really need to pull yourself together and believe that you actually deserve better.

He is an adult and he is not stupid. He knows what he is doing. Stop glossing over this just because of your own insecurities and fears. You know what's worse than being single and dating? Being married to this guy and mistreated and humiliated for years and eventually find out that when he said 1% chance of cheating, what he really meant is 99%.

When someone is showing you who he is, believe him. I don't care how socially awkward a guy is, he is not going to be oggling other women in your face. That takes intent. It's also a passive aggressive form of disrespect toward you and I bet that's not the only way he displays passive aggressive behavior toward you and others. Open your eyes before you waste another day on this. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

😄 I wish I had your attitude in that situation! He’s obvious about it, but not deliberately. He’s very socially awkward, unaware of what’s socially acceptable (I’ve died at some dinner conversations in public), hurtful and disrespectful at times, but I know he loves me, even if in his way. I’m trying to measure all the times I’ve felt ***, and wondering if it’s because he’s immature, this is his first relationship, maybe he’ll get better and more aware as he gets older. 

Is he like that at his job? Has he ever been fired for saying something inappropriate?

[Rose Mosse]

Your children will see that (what he is, how he behaves around you and with others) if you have kids with this person.

If you feel confused about yourself, think a little more ahead and ask yourself whether you'd be interested having kids with this man. 

From the sounds of it he doesn't sound very emotionally intelligent. I'm sorry to say that. If he can't hold down a job (as an example), idolizes the people who are disrespectful (comment about his friend), makes stupid comments about 1% and causes you to doubt the relationship he's just toying with you in his muddled and immature brain. 

Think through this carefully and see whether you both are on the same page regarding your values/interests.

[DarkCh0c0]

Please listen to @DancingFool ^

 

[ArabellaM]

14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

 

Thank you for your advice. even though your words strike a cord, man this is hard when you love someone 😔 

[DancingFool]

If you have to teach an adult how to behave like a decent human being, all you are really teaching them is how to pretend around you. They are not a decent person deep down and their lack of character is unchanged. 

Also, someone who actually loves and respects you is not going to walk around oggling other women. I think you know this deep down and your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it. I know it's hard, but listen to your own alarm bells.

 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is he like that at his job? Has he ever been fired for saying something inappropriate?

This is a good question. If he's so completely unaware of how to behave in public he must be leering at women at work. Has he been disciplined at work for inappropriate behavior and ogling his female coworkers? Does he ogle and leer at his friends' wives and girlfriends? 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, ArabellaM said:

He’s very socially awkward, unaware of what’s socially acceptable (I’ve died at some dinner conversations in public), hurtful and disrespectful at times, but I know he loves me, even if in his way. I’m trying to measure all the times I’ve felt ***, and wondering if it’s because he’s immature, this is his first relationship, maybe he’ll get better and more aware as he gets older. 

Arabella.  Stop kidding yourself. This person is in his late 20s, he isn't 16. 

And no, he won't "get better". He is what he is.  Why he is socially awkward and doesn't know what is socially acceptable, well that's another matter, and not your problem.

If he loved you he would not be hurtful and disrespectful. "If it hurts it isn't love".  No truer saying.

Surely you can do better for yourself than this. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, ArabellaM said:

He’s very socially awkward, unaware of what’s socially acceptable

Malarkey. 

Please don't make excuses for his rude and disrespectful behaviour. 

There is a huge difference between being socially awkward, and just being a boorish, unfiltered t*thead. 

[ArabellaM]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Is he like that at his job? Has he ever been fired for saying something inappropriate?

No, no, it’s not like he’s a pervy creep. He just does this, but he says he’ll make an effort to stop, although from some responses to my post this in itself may cause alarm bells. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, ArabellaM said:

No, no, it’s not like he’s a pervy creep. He just does this, but he says he’ll make an effort to stop, although from some responses to my post this in itself may cause alarm bells. 

Then do you get why the theory that he does this because doesn't understand what is socially acceptable is a load of equine manure?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, ArabellaM said:

No, no, it’s not like he’s a pervy creep. He just does this, but he says he’ll make an effort to stop, although from some responses to my post this in itself may cause alarm bells. 

You said he can't help himself and doesn't know how to behave, so he must be doing it everywhere he goes, right?

Do his friends mind him ogling their girlfriends? Do his female coworkers mind him ogling them? Does he ogle your sister?

[ArabellaM]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said he can't help himself and doesn't know how to behave, so he must be doing it everywhere he goes, right?

To be honest I don’t know 😔 he says he’s not on the look out for anyone else. As for his friends, I don’t know. We’ve met between countries, so friends etc are kinda spread out. 

[ArabellaM]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then do you get why the theory that he does this because doesn't understand what is socially acceptable is a load of equine manure?

I do. If he stops? Although kinda hard to check that now. With the whole covid situation I’ve had to leave the country so we’re long distance for a bit. Not going to make things easier 

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

I do. If he stops? Although kinda hard to check that now. With the whole covid situation I’ve had to leave the country so we’re long distance for a bit. Not going to make things easier 

I would personally not wait around for an "if." 

Not on something like this, and not at his age. He knows better. He can stop any time he wants. There should be no "if" and no "making an effort." It should have stop altogether ages ago. The problem is he enjoys hot women, and doesn't care enough about your feelings to keep his thoughts to himself. 

This guy would not make my list of boyfriend candidates, let alone husband candidates. Sorry, girl. Your sister apparently sees what you don't about this dude. 

[DancingFool]

16 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

I do. If he stops? Although kinda hard to check that now. With the whole covid situation I’ve had to leave the country so we’re long distance for a bit. Not going to make things easier 

I'll just say this again with heavy emphasis that if you have teach a grown man how to behave, you are not working with a decent person. He is not going to have a character transplant. If he stops, he is only doing it for show in front of you. He is still the same passive aggressive, disrespectful individual and all that will happen is he'll find other subtle and not so subtle ways to disrespect you and humiliate you, both to your face and behind your back. You are playing a game of whack-a-mole.

Meanwhile, good quality guys are passing you by because you are wasting your energy on a loser.

Look, late 20's is the time when all the people who focused on higher education enter the dating market looking for marriage and family. Please please raise your standards and seek out someone better. This is a good time for that.

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, ArabellaM said:

No, no, it’s not like he’s a pervy creep. He just does this, but he says he’ll make an effort to stop, although from some responses to my post this in itself may cause alarm bells. 

No you said he can't help it.  Either he can or he can't.  If he can at his job, he can around you.  If he says he will make an effort to stop (whatever that means -either you stop or you don't) then he has complete control over his behavior and knows exactly what he is doing.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, ArabellaM said:

he says he’s not on the look out for anyone else.

Not the point Arabella!

Re-read what DF and Ms. Canuck say above.

[ArabellaM]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It’s very needed at the moment 

[smackie9]

You need to grow some and have self worth. When it's not good, you end it. You are being way too passive and a pushover which is the type he is looking for so he can get away with this behavior. You just sit there thinking "oh but I love him", and not say anything...just suffer in silence. If you stay this way you will painfully pay for it.