Having children. Really only want to hear from the ladies please.

[Loz91]

I’m 30. Kids have never interested me, nor getting married etc. 

There’s no pressure from anywhere that I do either of these things but I just wanted to get some perspective from woman who have chosen and who have chosen to not have kids and if you genuinely regret or are happy with the decision. 
I know a few people with kids and they typically look haggered and are having trouble with their kids attitudes etc, it really just doesn’t look worth it.

I just want real world (not deluded) perspectives from both sides. 
go!! 🙂 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Loz91 said:

I just want real world (not deluded) perspectives from both sides

🙂

Where else have you posted this survey?

What do you mean by "real world, not deluded" and "go!!"?

Hopefully you are not referring to another argument with the 21 y/o BF about him wanting kids one day, no?

[Lambert]

I think being a parent is something you really have to want to do and be. It's full on commitment from day one until you die. 

There is so much to it and there are so many other options for how to live your life. You need to make sure you're 100% in for the lifelong commitment and make a good choice for the right reasons.

Its not just about you or what the child brings to your life. It's more about the kid and what you bring to their life.

I don't think anyone can or should make that decision for you. Whether someone regrets it or not, does not indicate how you will feel.

 

[mylolita]

Hi Loz!

 

I’m 31, married - I have a boy, 3 years old, a girl, nearly 2, and I am pregnant with our third baby due in August. 
 

My gut feeling towards women who ask similar questions to yourself is this! If you need to ask or think it over or weigh up pros and cons, I would honestly suggest you are not ready for children or not ready yet. It’s one of those huge things in life I think you just “know”! 
 

Being a mother is mind blowing. It is honestly life changing, phenomenal, it feels like a privilege and something sacred (I am in no way religious but this is the best way to describe it). On the flip side it is a lot like being madly in love - it has its amazing highs and it’s dramatic lows. Being a parent, you will probably experience some of your best and worst times, maybe all at once! 
 

Like anything, it depends on your personality and how you look at things. I do believe some women just aren’t cut out or have no interest in becoming mothers - and to me, that is absolutely fine and a great choice for them. You know yourself better than anyone else and if you look deep into your heart you will have the right answer for you.

 

Marriage, children - these things are not to be taken lightly, and you know this, and I think being honest with yourself and what you desire and need is crucial. 
 

Some women since being toddlers have known they always wanted babies, others, have known it was never for them. There is a small percentage of women who run companies and work very long hours and enjoy and want other things from life. I am not saying they are more or less happy. 
 

I think what makes you happy is making the right choices in life for you, and no one else.

 

All the best,

(Oh and PS - if you are concerned about age and biology, I have heard of women freezing their eggs at this time in their life, just to give them peace of mind incase they did change their mind. This is always an option you could look into).

x

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Loz91 said:

Kids have never interested me, nor getting married

Well, OP, that is the bottom line. It is what you want, your choice, and what others might think is neither here nor there.

 

[Seraphim]

If you don’t want to have kids ,don’t. If you don’t want to get married ,don’t. It is simple , really. 
 

If you are already of the opinion my life isn’t worth it…. there is nothing to discuss. I think it will just become a slag fest of people’s lives like the other times this exact framework has been asked . 

[LaHermes]

3 hours ago, Loz91 said:

I know a few people with kids and they typically look haggered and are having trouble with their kids attitudes etc, it really just doesn’t look worth it.

Each to their own, OP.  What may not seem "worth it" to you may be very much worth it to them.  And always remember, appearances are deceptive. A "few people" (as you mention), is not indicative of the wide world. People can look tired (or haggard as you say) for a wide variety of reasons. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Loz91 said:

I’m 30. Kids have never interested me, nor getting married etc. 

There’s no pressure from anywhere that I do either of these things but I just wanted to get some perspective from woman who have chosen and who have chosen to not have kids and if you genuinely regret or are happy with the decision. 
I know a few people with kids and they typically look haggered and are having trouble with their kids attitudes etc, it really just doesn’t look worth it.

I just want real world (not deluded) perspectives from both sides. 
go!! 🙂 

I was haggered and having trouble with other jobs other than being a parent so to me that's so not the standard.  It's a factor for sure in the decision.  I think unless you are 110% enthusiastic - well I guess 100% is enough -about having a child then do not.  It's not fair to the child.  I was and am and man it is so so hard especially with my 12 year old virtually schooling since mid March 2020 and both of us teleworking in an apartment. Before I became a mom I had 15 years of a wildly intense, stressful and unpredictabble career unrelated to children at all - so that prepared me for motherhood lol.  I knew from when I was extremely young that motherhood was one of my main goals in life - the other two were marriage and a career.  Never ever a question of any kind.  So I might be the wrong person to ask. 

From the age of 14 I had experience with babysitting, I nannied, worked in daycares, had an elementary school teaching license for a couple of years.  In my 30s I spent 7 years working with kids weekly -one hour a week -at a homeless shelter, mostly reading to them and with them.

 So on top of just knowing I had experience -and my sibling had her kids years before me and I was an involved aunt to her 4 kids.  I'm not deluded.  I'm a highly educated and intuitive, thoughtful person who overthinks everything which is one reason I married/parented so late (age 42).  Of course I'm haggered at times.  Of course I have issues with his "attitude" at times as he does with mine I'm sure.  I love him to the moon and back.  I won the lottery when I got pregnant once in my life, naturally, at age 41.  He is the world to me.  He is a handful, a ton of work, triggers me to no end at times, can be demanding, loud, obnoxious, rude, can be loving, insightful, wise, thoughtful, gentle, hilariously funny (if only he didn't have stage fright, what the world is missing out on!).

I sacrificed a ton to have him including relocating away from my home city of 43 years, 800 miles away, solo parenting a whole lot given my husband's job, and his caring for his aging parents. I sacrificed physically because I had a really scary medical condition post-birth. I had to accept that I'd get a lot of "comments" about my decision to be a full time mom the first 7 years of his life.  That parents are targeted a lot with rude comments when we're with our kids.  But I was targeted like that in my chosen career - not because I deserved it, because of the dumb stereotypes about my career so being targeted as a parent -I've got the thick skin already and a few neat comebacks up my sleeve.  

Having said all that I repeat -unless you want a child -you want to parent a child - 110% do not do it so that you act in the best interests of the child.  JMHO.  Good luck!

(Oh I love being married too and no it's not all roses and unicorns and good dark chocolate).

[Seraphim]

I would ask yourself if your life is 100% rockin all the time. If the answer is , no. Then that is everyone’s life . 

[boltnrun]

I have kids and I absolutely adore them and see them as a blessing. I never, not for one second, regretted having them.

However, no one HAS to have children. Two of my married friends have chosen not to have children and they are just as happy with their decision as I am with mine.

[maritalbliss86]

6 hours ago, Loz91 said:

and who have chosen to not have kids and if you genuinely regret or are happy with the decision. 

I don't know if anyone here reading this fits this bill, but personally I've known a couple of older women who definitely regretted not having children.  For one, even though she had two kids, she regrets not having had more, but still found happiness in life in general, and is happy with what she has.  She does claim she has that regret though 🤷‍♀️ 

For the other I know, she was never able to have any children, and it was extremely hard for her emotionally/mentally, etc.  I'm not sure why they never did fertility treatments (maybe they did and it all failed?), but for her the regret haunted her life and changed who she is now.  It can be a serious deal to cope with and accept... if someone regrets something, I'm not sure that means they've accepted it and can move on.

I don't really understand those perspectives... for us, we always knew we'd just adopt if we couldn't have our own children.  And I believe wishing you'd had more is akin to, "coveting," something you don't have 🤷‍♀️ so for me I don't think those feelings would take hold.  

But I can see how not being able to ever have had a child, or wishing you had had more, would be hard to deal with.

[abitbroken]

I wish I had kids or at least one.

Sometimes its not even making a choice. Sometimes life circumstances and medical circumstances (not meeting the right one until later, infertility, other medical issues) that make it not happen.

I was with someone who didn't want kids. I made a big mistake because he was older and i was fairly young and did not want kids at that time - kind of avoided guys who wanted to graduate and start a family - when i should have dated someone who was younger like me and just was not at the right point to start a family or was up in the air about it. Now I am with a guy where i wish we could have kids

Its okay to not want kids -- as long as you are clear early on to men you meet that you do not want kids and won't change your mind - but you also need some clarity -- do you not want to give birth to a child or no kids period. Big difference.  Because if you don't want to have any or raise little kids, you could meet someone who is long divorced and has kids in high school or older, etc, who for sure doesn't want little ones again. 

Just be aware that you could meet someone and you always didn't want kids but meeting him changes your mind. I am not saying it will happen - but could.

 

[Lynda79]

After erasing the full on essay about the joys of parenting, I will be both honest and short with it. If you want kids and you like kids, the sleep deprivation and temper tantrums are worth it. They just are. The payoffs are these sweet fluffballs,who love you more than anyone else on the planet. If you don't want kids or never planned on kids, that's perfectly fine, your choice, and an acceptable one.

   My sister never wanted them, she had 2. She resented them for the restriction on her lifestyle, for their dependency on her. Once they were more independent she got used to it and became a better mom who loved her kids. Almost too much, now her oldest is almost 18, and she won't get her a state ID, won't let her get her GED, and assumes she will stay with her forever. I have a rescue plan in place lol. 

  I just realized I wrote another essay...sigh. In short, don't feel pressured into something you deep down don't want to do. If you are just worried about missing out, that i believe isn't a good reason. (My opinion, so absolutely worthless.) I personally love my child and believe he's the reason I was created and survived all that I went through. I didn't mind the sleep deprivation or tantrums, I knew they would pass. Then he would climb into my lap and cuddle up to me, and tell me he loves me, and that I was the best momma ever. So basically, do what you want to do. I know several childless couples living their dream lives. Kids are amazing, but they're a ton of work and it can be mind and heart breaking at times. 

[LaHermes]

31 minutes ago, Lynda79 said:

If you don't want kids or never planned on kids, that's perfectly fine, your choice, and an acceptable one.

Of course it is a perfectly acceptable choice.  Many couples actually decide to be child-free. That is their prerogative and decision, and no one should judge or criticize them for it.  Less so should the "well-intentioned" try to second guess such couples, as in they MIGHT regret it later on.  Or worse still, actually tell them they might regret it later in life. 

And here is a bucket of icy water which puts the matter into perspective. 

https://www.rte.ie/news/2021/0520/1222776-deirdre-morley-court/

[Lynda79]

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Of course it is a perfectly acceptable choice.  Many couples actually decide to be child-free. That is their prerogative and decision, and no one should judge or criticize them for it.  Less so should the "well-intentioned" try to second guess such couples, as in the MIGHT regret it later on.  Or worse still, actually tell them they might regret it later in life. 

Exactly. I hate hearing my childfree friends or relatives complaining about it. It's their life and their choice. My best friend chose pets over kiddos and she is happy with her choice. I'm happy for her. My aunt is the only one who chose not to have kids and is now in her 50s. She said she'd rather be the cool aunt then the cool mom. 

[boltnrun]

My favorite is people who say "but who's going to take care of you when you get old??" Like the only reason we have children is so they can be our caretakers late in life. Instead of, you know, having them because we love children and want to be parents. 

Now that I think about it, I have three friends who are married and chose not to have children. They travel or have horses or have careers that take up a lot of their time. They are happy and fulfilled. They do not regret never having kids.

Choose what works best for you!

[melancholy123]

I have two grown kids, both are doing well in life.  However, if I could go back I would not have had kids.  They are more demanding than I realized, and I think perhaps I am a bit too selfish as well.  I cherish my Me Time as I always have and a lot of the time when kids are young, you get no Me Time.

For sure I'd have had more money if I didnt have kids!  I would have traveled a lot more too.  So those reasons sound selfish and I know that.  

I love my kids and we all get along well now that they are older but those teen years with them were beyond trying.  Peer pressure and bad attitudes are also very trying for a parent.

[dias]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My favorite is people who say "but who's going to take care of you when you get old??"

Oh boy, this mentality is squalid to say the least

[tattoobunnie]

Wasn't thinking about kids when I was 30.  I knew I wanted them, but it was a background thing.  At 32, I started dating my now husband, and I could picture a life with him and wanted kids with him.  I was ready with him.  

And in my 20's, early 30's I was living large, living it up, and felt complete and found my bliss.  I felt fulfilled in life.  Then I had my 1st kid, and I feel like I now know what the meaning of life is.  I was happy and had tons of fun before kids.  But my kids are my pride and joy.  And you know what, you will never, ever, really understand, even if you watch other people's kids or are a teacher, what it's like till they come in your life.  You really know what it means to love someone more and more each day whether you adopt or have your own.

The whole sleepless nights, teething, sickness, it goes so fast. There is a reason why many, many people have more than one.  But the love is real and there.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wasn't thinking about kids when I was 30.  I knew I wanted them, but it was a background thing.  At 32, I started dating my now husband, and I could picture a life with him and wanted kids with him.  I was ready with him.  

And in my 20's, early 30's I was living large, living it up, and felt complete and found my bliss.  I felt fulfilled in life.  Then I had my 1st kid, and I feel like I now know what the meaning of life is.  I was happy and had tons of fun before kids.  But my kids are my pride and joy.  And you know what, you will never, ever, really understand, even if you watch other people's kids or are a teacher, what it's like till they come in your life.  You really know what it means to love someone more and more each day whether you adopt or have your own.

The whole sleepless nights, teething, sickness, it goes so fast. There is a reason why many, many people have more than one.  But the love is real and there.

Yup, the minute I gave birth and saw my son’s beautiful face the enormity and expansiveness of love exploded my universe like nothing before or since. The love is bigger than the entire universe.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Loz91 said:

I’m 30. Kids have never interested me

What about your 21 y/o BF?

He tells you you can't have friends and argues chronically about wanting kids.

So what you wish to hear is you're right he's wrong?

Having an overgrown child as a BF  could turn anyone off to kids.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Lynda79 said:

I personally love my child and believe he's the reason I was created and survived all that I went through. I didn't mind the sleep deprivation or tantrums, I knew they would pass. Then he would climb into my lap and cuddle up to me, and tell me he loves me, and that I was the best momma ever. So basically, do what you want to do. I know several childless couples living their dream lives. Kids are amazing, but they're a ton of work and it can be mind and heart breaking at times. 

Wow -so well said -I feel like you know me lol.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

And you know what, you will never, ever, really understand, even if you watch other people's kids or are a teacher, what it's like till they come in your life.

I agree and at the same time I think it's crucial for a person to want them 100% and not count on "how I will feel once the baby is born".  Especially since you never know if you're going to have a child with special needs -and if so that could enrich your life beyond measure (yes despite the extra work -my son is typical, am referring to others I know), and it could rock your world beyond measure and it may look nothing like parenting a typical child. So you may not know till you have the child but as far as what it's "like" it's so individual.

[LaHermes]

50 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

For sure I'd have had more money if I didnt have kids!  I would have traveled a lot more too.  So those reasons sound selfish and I know that.  

Not selfish Mel. You are simply being honest. 

You'd be surprised (or not) at the number of people who admit: "If it were again I wouldn't have had children". 

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Less so should the "well-intentioned" try to second guess such couples, as in they MIGHT regret it later on.  Or worse still, actually tell them they might regret it later in life. 

Yea... my Grandma when she was dying made the bad decision to grab my older cousin's hand and exclaim, "I wish you'd had children!"  My older cousin broke down crying... ugh!  

I think it's very personal choice.  I'm glad some women who choose not to, don't regret it later, but obviously there will be women who do.