Confused and broken

[Jim Perry]

I need some perspectives from others as I’m completely confused and broken hearted. A little background, I am 51 and she is 48. We both met a year ago. We had so much in common and she took to me, we would text, talk, and spend time together. I’m divorced for 10 years. She said she was divorced for 5 years. She’s never had kids. My kid is in high school so I don’t see him much because he’s always busy with friends and being the typical teenager chooses friends over dad. About 3 months into a blossoming relationship I sent her a meme in a text that she misinterpreted and she blocked me so I sent her a long letter and flowers and she contacted me and apologized for overreacting saying she had been mistreated in her previous relationship, but she didn’t talk about it and I left it to her to bring up if she wanted to talk. She made plans to take me on a trip for my birthday, her idea. When the trio was a week away, she sent me a text and asked that I don’t contact her and that it had nothing to do with me and that she had started therapy for things from her past and that if she ever came to a point that she was ready for a relationship, she would contact me. Of course I was blown away and heartbroken as I was trying to make sense of it all. Two months went by and every day I would go to the park and walk where we always walked in hopes I would run into her. Then it happened one day, I ran into her and she asked me to join her on her walk and we talked light heartedly and then she left. A few days went by and she sent me a message and asked if I’d like to meet and talk about things. We met and she said she was going through things that didn’t involve me and she didn’t want to burden me with them. I asked her straight up why she disappeared and she said she ran because she got scared because she had been tremendously hurt in previous relationship. We began talking and texting again. She would often cancel plans we made to meet stating she had to work or take care of her ill elderly parents. She has a business and her parents depend on her a lot. She would keep telling me she was going to have me over to meet her parents but never did. She would say they’re afraid because of Covid. She would make plans to have me over to her place for dinner and the. Cancel because she would either have an order to fill for her business, take care of her parents or got sick. She has irritable bowel syndrome she says. Over the course of a year she would often tell me I was the kindest, sweetest man she ever met. She was constantly giving me complements. She would say no man has ever treated her the way I do. In a years time, we always met at my place, or in public but never at her place even though I know where she lives. We also always did things on her time when she was available. Yes, I know, I always made myself available when she could. When we were together, the passion and sparks were like none I’d ever had before. There was definitely attraction and passion between the two of us. She suffers from anxiety and I know that as when we have been in large crowds I could sense it plus she has told me she has issues with anxiety. We were in a restaurant having dinner and one evening and we both planned a weekend getaway. When the time got close to the trip, I got anxiety thinking she might cancel; but to my surprise she didn’t cancel. We left for our trip and she said it was the first time she’d taken a trip with any man in 3 years and was nervous. Of course I comforted her. We go on our trip and everything is going perfect. There’s so much passion between us and we get along great as we have a lot in common. We are setting in the living room of our cabin and she opens up about her ex husband and begins to cry and let’s me know that she had been married for 20 years and her ex come out to her as gay and that it killed her self esteem. I just comforted and told her I loved her. I made no reservation the last two months of our relationship to let her know my intentions and told her often that I loved her. A few occasions she said it back to me. We were on our trip and I asked her if she could spend the rest of her life with me and she said yes but I had to take things slow. I told her no worries and that we could take as long as she needed. We were at lunch while on our trip and she mentioned she had always wanted a belly ring so I said if she wanted it, I would pay for it. She said she would have to get a stiff drink and think about it. So she got a drink and then decided she would get it. We went and got the belly ring for her. She seemed nervous and I asked if she was sure about getting it and she said yes. She got the belly ring and for hours she went on how painful it was. I began to fell guilty because I was the one who offered and paid for it. We went shopping and the pain from it seemed to get better for her and after shopping, we went back to the cabin. Everything seemed fine and there was passion between us but the. She said the belly ring was hurting and that she was going to go in the living room and set up. At one point she asked me to please take the ring out and then decide she didn’t want me to. The cabin had two bedrooms in it and she said she was going to go into the other room and lay down because she was afraid I’d touch her stomach or she would roll over on the ring. She kissed me and then went into the other room to lay down. I was felling stressed because I was worried about her but at some point I dozed off and then was woken by her two hours later asking me to take her to hospital to have the belly ring taken out. I offered to try and take it out but she said no. I took her to the hospital to have it removed. After we checked in and sat down, I reached o we to rub her back and she said very hateful to me not to touch her. She said this was a sign, all she wanted to do was get the ring out, go home and then we are over. At this point my heart was in my throat and I was trying to process what was happening. We did not have any disagreement or argument or anything. I didn’t sleep all night when we left the hospital and had a five hour drive home. The next morning we left for home. I loaded her bags, opened her car door for her to get in and we were off. She was very quiet but I could sense her tension of me and I had no idea why. At some point driving down the road, I burst into tears and in a calm voice I said I loved her dearly, I was dairy for whatever I did or failed to do but it wasn’t fair to me not to know what I did or didn’t do that upset her. She turned toward me with no emotion and said life’s not fair sometimes. A short while later driving down the road I asked her to please talk to me and she said if I kept asking she was going to call 911. Keep in mind I’m driving and have had no sleep and trying to figure out what is happening. So I kept quiet for 5 hours and simply drive us home. When we got home, I began loading her bags into her car and I had bought her some things while we were gone. She took those out of her car and said she didn’t want them and I said they were hers that she had asked for them. She again said she didn’t want them. She was getting in her car and I asked her calmly didn’t she think she owed me an explanation? She turned to me and said I was not getting an explanation and if I contacted her, she would get a restraining order. I was devistated. An hour later she sends me a text in all caps telling me not to contact her, her family, her friends, not to look for her in the park and if she hears anything from me, she will get a restraining order. At that point I’m all broken hearted and tore to pieces because I have no idea what brought this on. It’s been two weeks since this happened and I’m confused, depressed and all sorts because I don’t know what happened. Keep in mind I have never once met her family or any of her friends in a years time. I haven’t even been to her place. I don’t know what prompted this action from her as just 24 hours befor it all happened she was seemingly into me. Any comments or insight would greatly be appreciated. 

[Hollyj]

This woman is clearly unbalanced.  There are so many red flags in this relationship.  Honestly, you should have been done after the meme.  

It wasn't just this "action,"  her behavior was constantly odd/distant  throughout the relationship.  

A relationship should never involve one bending themselves into a pretzel to accommodate another.   She also showed you over and over that she was not going to let you into her life; you never  visited her home, met her friends, or family. You were a secret.  Never, ever allow someone to treat you in this manner.  

She is a nut.  You are fortunate she is out of your life!  I suggest you do some self examination to understand why you did not exit, long ago.

You should also consider making more of an effort with your only child.

[Rose Mosse]

I think she's using you to get over her ex who caused her major issues with self-esteem. You're like a substitute husband but not what she really wants or respects. She's not over her ex. I'm sorry to say this. What she needed from you was the attention that you provided but I don't think she sees you as a human being at all. 

Give her lots of space. This means letting go and freeing yourself. Take time out to heal, recoup and meet someone new. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. She's much too unstable to date.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Stop trying to fix her. You kept mentioning that the passion was good.

She may have been good in bed but otherwise she's a disaster.

[Lambert]

Wow, Jim.  

I am sorry this happened.  Here's the thing--- this is a giant lesson for you.  There were so many red flags in your story.  This woman is unstable.  But you were all in for the physical chemistry.  So many times, we value that heady mix of challenge, pain, reward, pleasure to mean more than what it actually means.  

When someone over reacts, in such an abrupt way, as she did, blocking you over a joke, you let that person go right there.  It's a warning shot across the bough, you are not that invested and it's easy to move forward.  Instead, you dug in deeper, excusing away this odd behavior.  I understand.  We all have done that.  What's one misunderstanding?  But then you continued on... claims of not ready, asking you on the trip and canceling, regularly canceling plans, not including you in her life in a YEAR, really were all tell tale signs.  This woman is not a healthy woman.  

The trip, while lovely, for a brief period, showed you exactly what life will be like with her.... Extreme reactions and also extreme selfishness.  There is also a part of her that was quite cruel.  And I think that plays into her mental illness.  And it probably stems from much more than a gay ex husband.  

I am sorry you are hurting.  But this is a blessing.  She is not a good woman or partner.  Healthy people do not do these things.  They don't spontaneously love and unlove people.  

Take some time to be with your friends & family, focus on your hobbies, work, learn something new, refurbish something... those types of things to keep your mind and hands busy.  

Then meet someone else.  I am close to your age and it's wild dating... people are all over the map with mental, physical, financial health... As much as it sucks to be lonely or wanting to be with someone, you are shooting yourself in the foot, when you hook your cart to someone else's busted up wagon. And trust me, her wagon is busted.  Stop looking at what is could be and see it for what it is.  

(((Hugs)))

[boltnrun]

She showed you so many times she was not fit for a relationship. Why did you choose to ignore the many, many warning signs and accept all of the poor behavior and treatment?

Constantly bending over backwards to accommodate someone doesn't make them love you. Quite the opposite.

Please think hard about why the poor way she treated you inspired you to "love" her.  And please do not attempt to contact her or "run into" her ever again. 

[Andrina]

Be careful of self sabotaging talk like saying you're broken. You're not, although you're lacking in low self worth to have put up with any of this. Read books and articles on how to boost your own self esteem. Only then will you have better success in dating, because you will only accept women who are better candidates for healthy dating.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Jim Perry said:

About 3 months into a blossoming relationship I sent her a meme in a text that she misinterpreted and she blocked me so I sent her a long letter and flowers and she contacted me and apologized for overreacting saying she had been mistreated in her previous relationship, but she didn’t talk about it and I left it to her to bring up if she wanted to talk. She made plans to take me on a trip for my birthday, her idea. When the trio was a week away, she sent me a text and asked that I don’t contact her and that it had nothing to do with me and that she had started therapy for things from her past and that if she ever came to a point that she was ready for a relationship, she would contact me. Of course I was blown away and heartbroken

I am uncertain as why you were blown away & heartbroken, after only a few months?

Are you maybe a little insecure or needy? 😕 

Sadly, this woman has shown some instability since this all began.. It's been a push & pull behaviour.

If someone was like this with me. if not after the first blow off, the second would tick me off enough to leave it all alone...

9 hours ago, Jim Perry said:

She turned toward me with no emotion and said life’s not fair sometimes. A short while later driving down the road I asked her to please talk to me and she said if I kept asking she was going to call 911.

This is show of a very unstable person 😕 ...wow.

9 hours ago, Jim Perry said:

She was getting in her car and I asked her calmly didn’t she think she owed me an explanation? She turned to me and said I was not getting an explanation and if I contacted her, she would get a restraining order.

I feel this is almost like a flashback.  So difficult to comprehend.

Yes, she is damaged.. in many ways...

So, do not contact her- and I suggest you pick another park to tour.

Someone like this is not themselves, as you can see.. YOU have been on a 'rollerocaster'.. which is shocking!

But, now you have experienced the instability of someone who is damaged.

What might help is to look up & learn about Mental health issue's ie. bipolar behaviour etc.

Here is another thing.. not sure if she was similar to this?

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml

 

[catfeeder]

This woman showed clear signs of being a total flake from the start.

I don't mean red flags, but rather a giant neon sign.

It makes no sense to try to figure out a flake, and putting up with a flake, much less catering to one, will not only harm your self esteem, it will break your heart.

She was a time bomb waiting to go off, and she did.

Screen future dates more carefully, and Pay Attention.

[Hollyj]

Jim,  where are you?

[MissCanuck]

On 4/24/2021 at 7:24 AM, Jim Perry said:

I don’t know what prompted this action from her as just 24 hours befor it all happened she was seemingly into me.

This is par for the course, Jim. 

This woman is clearly very unstable. She flips on a dime, so I am not sure why you're surprised that she's flipped again. Yes, she's done so more dramatically this time - but it's a variation on the exact same theme, in terms of her erratic behaviour. 

She's got some serious underlying issues. There was no way this relationship was going to last. 

 

[Jim Perry]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Jim,  where are you?

Umm, what do you mean when you ask where I am?

[Jim Perry]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Jim,  where are you?

West Virginia

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry to hear that all this happened. I do think that this woman is emotionally or mentally unstable. But also, to be honest I don't think she was really that into you. I think she really over reacted on your trip, but to be honest you actually had acted too full-on previously and in a sense you had stalked her by constantly going to the park hoping to run into her. I mean, you didn't even "run into her". You went to the park all the time deliberately because you knew she'd probably walking there at some point.

I think her extreme reaction may have been because she had been trying to actually get rid of you, but you kept going after her and she was just giving in. I'm not sure what the meme was that you sent her, whether it was actually truly offensive or she over reacted. Three months is not that long to date someone you've only just met. She blocked you so that meant she didn't want anything to do with you. You should have left her alone but instead you sent her flowers to apologise. She did actually say to you after that, that she didn't want to hear from you and that she would reach out herself if she changed her mind. That was when you should have left her alone, but you kept going to the park to run into her. To me it actually seems like you just don't take "no" for an answer.

However she's obviously not innocent in all of this either. She's not a teenager, she's a 48-year-old woman and she had a choice if to date you or not. I think she just wasn't really into you, but you kept pursuing and she was caving into it. Then on your trip she obviously became totally not into dating you and that's why she had such an extreme reaction. But if she didn't like you then she shouldn't have gone on the trip in the first place.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Jim Perry said:

Umm, what do you mean when you ask where I am?

I think she was wondering if you were going to return to the thread, not asking your actual geographic location. 

[Hollyj]

You hadn’t responded to any of our comments.   

[Jim Perry]

30 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You hadn’t responded to any of our comments.   

I am new here so I didn’t know really how this worked. Ready all the comments has brought things kind of in perspective but still it hurts so bad to be rejected when you have so much. She did give me anxiety at times wondering if she was going to cancel things that were her idea. It was like she loved me but was scared to death. I’m still struggling with how cold hearted she was and how did something as simple as a belly ring completely turn her love to complete disgust or disdain toward me. In three hours time she went from making over me to making a comment that this is a sign and she just wanted to get it taken out, go home, and we were done. Her exact words. No rational talk, no nothing. Just poof. No explanation. Go from being intimate with me to this. I’m too old for games and I cannot read minds. It was her idea for the ring. I just offered to get it and she accepted. But to threaten me if I contact her or her family that I haven’t even met, with a restraining order. That’s extreme. I’m one of the most loving and soft spoken people in the world. I’m told that all the time. I also analyze things way too much and it eats at me. She spoke of a future with me. I believed here. She would keep telling me that I changed her life. She would keep telling me she was going to invite to meet her parents but then something always came up. Over and over. It was like she was so scared. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jim Perry said:

It was like she was so scared. 

Or mentally ill or on drugs or living with someone.

[Hollyj]

31 minutes ago, Jim Perry said:

I am new here so I didn’t know really how this worked. Ready all the comments has brought things kind of in perspective but still it hurts so bad to be rejected when you have so much. She did give me anxiety at times wondering if she was going to cancel things that were her idea. It was like she loved me but was scared to death. I’m still struggling with how cold hearted she was and how did something as simple as a belly ring completely turn her love to complete disgust or disdain toward me. In three hours time she went from making over me to making a comment that this is a sign and she just wanted to get it taken out, go home, and we were done. Her exact words. No rational talk, no nothing. Just poof. No explanation. Go from being intimate with me to this. I’m too old for games and I cannot read minds. It was her idea for the ring. I just offered to get it and she accepted. But to threaten me if I contact her or her family that I haven’t even met, with a restraining order. That’s extreme. I’m one of the most loving and soft spoken people in the world. I’m told that all the time. I also analyze things way too much and it eats at me. She spoke of a future with me. I believed here. She would keep telling me that I changed her life. She would keep telling me she was going to invite to meet her parents but then something always came up. Over and over. It was like she was so scared. 

It wasn't just the belly ring, things had been off since the meme.   Canceling all the time, not including you in her life.   Why was it okay for you to be a secret and remain on the periphery of her life?  

You allowed her to treat you terribly.   You need to follow people's actions, words mean nothing.  

She is not mentally stable.

[Rose Mosse]

 

23 minutes ago, Jim Perry said:

but still it hurts so bad to be rejected when you have so much.

She did give me anxiety at times wondering if she was going to cancel things that were her idea.

was scared to death.

I’m still struggling with how cold hearted she was

complete disgust or disdain toward me.

we were done.

No rational talk

threaten me if I contact her or her family that I haven’t even met, with a restraining order.

She would keep telling me she was going to invite to meet her parents but then something always came up. 

Pardon for doing some arts and crafts on your post but it's been slimmed down to show you what you did have. It wasn't much, imo. She's not in her right mind and unstable. I think you need to step back, brush this off for good, feel good again and move on. You're hurt right now but you have to believe that you certainly deserve better than this.

This woman didn't offer that much.

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

Pardon for doing some arts and crafts on your post but it's been slimmed down to show you what you did have. It wasn't much, imo. She's not in her right mind and unstable. I think you need to step back, brush this off for good, feel good again and move on. You're hurt right now but you have to believe that you certainly deserve better than this.

This woman didn't offer that much.

I agree.   Dude, you need to look at the big picture, stop focusing solely on the last crazy incident.  

You also need to learn to enforce boundaries with people. Stop allowing them to walk all over you.

[Unsure2021]

6 hours ago, Jim Perry said:

I am new here so I didn’t know really how this worked. Ready all the comments has brought things kind of in perspective but still it hurts so bad to be rejected when you have so much. She did give me anxiety at times wondering if she was going to cancel things that were her idea. It was like she loved me but was scared to death. I’m still struggling with how cold hearted she was and how did something as simple as a belly ring completely turn her love to complete disgust or disdain toward me. In three hours time she went from making over me to making a comment that this is a sign and she just wanted to get it taken out, go home, and we were done. Her exact words. No rational talk, no nothing. Just poof. No explanation. Go from being intimate with me to this. I’m too old for games and I cannot read minds. It was her idea for the ring. I just offered to get it and she accepted. But to threaten me if I contact her or her family that I haven’t even met, with a restraining order. That’s extreme. I’m one of the most loving and soft spoken people in the world. I’m told that all the time. I also analyze things way too much and it eats at me. She spoke of a future with me. I believed here. She would keep telling me that I changed her life. She would keep telling me she was going to invite to meet her parents but then something always came up. Over and over. It was like she was so scared. 

If you know she seemed scared, why did you/do you keep pursuing her and risk frightening her even more? She clearly told you to back off and stop harassing/stalking her but you have no consideration for her request. No means no and when someone keeps reinforcing boundaries and threatening to escalate if you don’t comply, that usually means the person crossing the boundaries is not listening and doesn’t care or respect the person enough to back off. You need to stop pursuing this woman and cease all contact. 
 

Her mixed signals are a sign that she was never in it 100% and it’s likely that whatever she said, you’ve built up in your mind to mean more that what was there. It’s clear that she has issues and prefers to be left alone. Please be respectful and move on with  your life. If you truly cared, you’d leave her alone.

 

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Jim Perry said:

It was like she loved me but was scared to death.

Nope, it was like she didn't love you and treated you horribly but you kept coming back for more.

Let me share with you what my ex told me.  He treated me poorly and I kept coming back for more, insisting that I "loved" him.  One time I brought up how poorly he treated me and he said "You know what I'm like but you keep coming back.  I figured you liked being treated like that".

If she treated you poorly and you not only kept coming back but told her you loved her, no wonder she kept it up!  You came off like you like being mistreated.

Please take this as a lesson learned.  First off, when someone treats you poorly just step away.  And second, when someone tells you to leave them alone you leave them alone, you don't try to "run into" them.

[Hollyj]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Nope, it was like she didn't love you and treated you horribly but you kept coming back for more.

Let me share with you what my ex told me.  He treated me poorly and I kept coming back for more, insisting that I "loved" him.  One time I brought up how poorly he treated me and he said "You know what I'm like but you keep coming back.  I figured you liked being treated like that".

If she treated you poorly and you not only kept coming back but told her you loved her, no wonder she kept it up!  You came off like you like being mistreated.

Please take this as a lesson learned.  First off, when someone treats you poorly just step away.  And second, when someone tells you to leave them alone you leave them alone, you don't try to "run into" them.

What did you say when he said this: " I figured you liked being treated like that".

[Tonight.majestic]

While I under your heart break, she sounds emotionally unstable. Too much hot and cold. Let her fix her own self.