my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[pattycee]

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. Clearly I am reaching out because I am in a very bad place right now, both physically and mentally. 

I fell in love with a married man. I know, such a cliche and you have probably heard this story a million times. But mine is a little different. I am one of the rare cases where the married man left his marriage for his mistress. I will give you some history about our story. We met back in 2013 at a dance studio. He was my Zumba instructor and I went to his classes regularly. I enjoyed dancing and it was my happy place. At the time, I just came off the break up of a long term marriage of 18 years. I have an autistic son and I feel I was in a very vulnerable place. My ex husband and I did not have sex. He had sexual issues and we were sexless for years. We tried to seek help but in the end, all efforts failed to rectify our sexual divide.  Also, the grief and hardships of raising a child with special needs took a toll. I was feeling lonely and broken. My husband and I were grieving the loss of the life we had anticipated for our son. We thought he would have a normal childhood and life but instead, he was deprived of all sense of normalcy and I guess we carried a lot of guilt and instead of confiding in each other, we grieved separately, or at least, I did. I pulled away. My way of dealing with the issues and my grief was escaping, to some place where I felt normal or happy, desired, not like a failure. Enter this older, charismatic Zumba instructor who was so attentive and kind towards me. I was separated at the time from my husband. My husband hoped for reconciliation but my relationship with my Zumba instructor sealed his fate. Our marriage ended. The attraction was out of this world. I had never been attracted to anyone like him before. He was only my second sexual partner as I married my husband at a young age. My instructor could sense my moods in his class and he would zero in on me as if he and I were the only ones in the class. He danced with only me in a room full of 25 people. I was intoxicated by the attention, I will not lie. I felt special that he focused on me that way. That I stood out. Maybe that is what I was needing at the time. I was not in the mindset for a relationship when I met him. I was totally blind sided by what happened. In his class one night, he just held my eyes for the longest time (eye ***ing I guess you could call it) and it changed everything. I knew from that LOOK that he was into me more than just a friendly way. He made it clear. I was not on the make but I guess he was. I am 15 years younger than he is. Anyway, there is so much history over the 8 years and I cannot possibly go into all that history but we ended up starting an affair. It morphed into a relationship where I became like a second wife to him eventually and he said he loved me. He stayed married and essentially lived a double life with me. So he had two wives. He was there for me when my dad died, he did repairs in my condo, helped me through surgery, was present in my son's life and the list is endless over the past 8 years. We talked everyday for hours. We travelled together. Did hobbies together. He took care of all my needs.  Ours was not some fling that fizzled. In fact, despite the issues we have had all along, like trust issues as you may have already guessed, we somehow managed to communicate through the difficult times and our relationship continued to endure. The sex was out of this world and continued to get better and better. The years I spent with him were probably the best and worst of my life. I was on top of the world yet I was also the most depressed I have ever been. It was not an easy relationship and it took a toll on me. Sharing him was very hard to do and I didn't like the person I became having to constantly accept the fact I had to take a back seat to his other commitments. It wore at my self esteem. In the beginning, I felt like Queen of the castle and I was on top of the clouds knowing I was the chosen one. But over the years, that confidence began to erode as I felt like I was not good enough for him to leave his wife or not good enough for him to want to declare his love publicly for me. I felt that he had a good time with me in the bedroom and that I fulfilled all his sexual pleasures. And although he kept saying he loved me, his words did not match his actions all the time. I was always questioning him. Or having doubts. And I was often insecure. And I never felt safe. I wondered if he was having other flings at any time just for thrills. And I did not want that kind of a man. I stayed and I think I hated myself for not realizing that I was worth more but I bonded to him and became very attached. It was so strong that I thought it was true love and that is what I kept fighting for all these years. But he was often hot and cold. And displayed narcissistic qualities. Whenever he had to go back to his other life, I felt forgotten, turned off. And it really tore me apart. The less love he gave me, the more I chased him. Wanting so desperately not to be abandoned.

Fast forward to this past summer. I was coming unraveled as I was under a lot of stress because of having to move during Covid as well as other things. Also, it was well into our 7th year and I was having a hard time living in the shadows. Eventually the bond and the relationship is supposed to go DEEPER. But it never seemed that way. I did not feel that from him. He was always very good at keeping his emotions level and detached. He was an expert at compartmentalizing but me, not so good. I am much more emotional. When I am in, I am all in. I cannot stop my heart from loving fully. One day while making love I saw scratches on his arm and I LOST it. I ended up on his doorstep, ringing his bell, about to tell his wife. They were both home but nobody answered the door. I sat on the doorstep for a few minutes and left. He told her first as he felt he had no choice. And cut me off. The relationship ended... just like that. I was emailing him afterwards frantically because I was not in my right mind and I still loved him and wondered if I made a mistake. He has a skin condition called psoriasis and said his scratches are self inflicted because of it, including the scratches I saw.  He eventually responded to me after 2 weeks of constant emailing. He said his wife knows all about us. And was watching him closely. He was not allowed out of the house alone. And could not communicate with me, yet later began to communicate with me through a secret email account. He promised her he would work on their marriage and that he had given me up. He also told her our relationship was mostly sexual, which was not the case. It just softened the blow for him. So fast forward to the end of the summer, we were involved again and met up for sex a few times. Clearly he had not given up on me and was still lying to his wife after discovery. One time he took his bike for repairs while she was doing an online course so she could not accompany him. He came to my place after the bike repair and we had sex for a few hours. And he snuck out in the middle of the night while she was sleeping to meet me at a hotel a few times and once in my car. Then in September he left me again. He and his wife had planned a trip to Panama for 6 months and once she knew of our affair, she fast tracked it, or so he said. He told me that he is a married man and that he will never be able to give me all that I need and deserve. And that it pains him to see me suffer because of him and that he will always love me and think of me. That I will always be his baby girl. But he has to go to Panama to give his 30 year marriage a fair shot. He had to leave me and everything he knew behind and disconnect and get on with reconnecting with his wife in a new country and salvaging their marriage. I was heart broken but I had no choice but to let him go. Then one day, on his birthday I was driving and there he was driving towards me on his bike. It was an unexpected meeting. He ended up stopping and coming to sit in my car. I told him he is the love of my life and that I wish he saw the enormity of what he was doing. I told him he was making a mistake. That his wife could never love him the way I do. He could not stay long. But ended up kissing me and saying he loved me. A few days later, we ended up talking again. And as time went on, we started having sex again. This time he told me he finally made a decision. He told me he had chosen me. When only a few weeks earlier, he was prepared to leave me to move to Panama for 6 months and work on his marriage. He said that chance meeting opened his eyes as to what he really wanted. Not hearing from me those few weeks prior to running into me and feeling empty and missing me made it clear who he wanted to be with. And it was me. I believed him. :( But instead of staying home to start a life with me, he got on the plane to Panama with his wife. He said he owed it to her because she has been planning to go there for years and he could not let her down. He said he would let her down gently after they are in Panama. He did not want to be a jerk and leave her before the trip. Also, he felt if he had time to let her down gently or show he was trying to work on the marriage, she might be more amicable towards him and he would not be shunned by his family and would still be allowed to be part of his kids and grandkid's lives. While he was there, we communicated everyday. I kept asking when he would  be telling her. He kept putting it off saying he needed more time. He said it could be two months or more. He seemed pretty comfortable there and I wondered if he was just giving me a run around. It was me who was questioning him the entire time. I just did not understand if he had chosen me, why he went to Panama with his wife? So one day about one month into their 6 months stay, his wife caught him talking to me on a messaging app. He did not deny it. He told her it was me. She knew of me and thought he had broken up with me. But instead he told her he loved me. They agreed their marriage was over, there was no coming back from this. They both subsequently booked flights home within the week. She went home. And he flew home to be with me. He went back to pick up his stuff and moved into my condo. His wife ended up flying back to Panama after a few weeks at home. They did not discuss separation plans or try to sell their family home. Nothing. She just picked up and left for Panama while he moved in with me. Well, it was happy and blissful the first few weeks. He had sex with me often and was pretty thrilled overall. We then started to settle into a routine as most couples do. My son is with me a few days a week. He bonded with him. He cooked all the meals as he loves to cook. He helped me do repairs and worked on projects around my condo. We spent our first Christmas together. We went grocery shopping together, out in the real world, not having to hide from anyone. It seemed like he had made his choice and life was moving forward. But I started to sense anger on his end, and resentment. I began to feel a lot like a punching bag. Instead of being happy with the new beginning, he was very moody with me. Hot and cold. He got angry very quickly and most discussions ended with him getting angry and blowing up at me. I started to feel insecure like he was having doubts. Was feeling guilty. And that hurt. I never felt as happy as I should have been as I felt he was not all there. He felt guilty for hurting his wife and his family. He felt like a bad guy, a coward for leaving the way he did. We are also in lockdown and there is not much to do during the pandemic. We were mostly confined to a small condo except for periodic trips to the stores. And he was getting restless. He seemed to be going stir crazy. I know that feeling! Life sucks when you can't live it like before, feeling confined to your home like a prison cell. That only amplified the arguments. We did not argue all the time. Just the same recurring argument where I felt he did not want to be with me. He said I still did not trust him, and that was true. I just felt he was going to leave me again. He said he had no space to do anything alone. That I watched him all the time because I didn't trust him. Well, we were in the same room most of the time. Most days when he was angry and distant I pulled away and hardly said anything to him in absolute astonishment. He always lured me back in with attention and kindness and apologized for making me crazy. It was like a cycle of abuse. He would be mean to me and then reel me right back in. Like he wanted me and then did not want me. It was hell being his yo yo. He called his doctor as I asked him to as I thought he would benefit from some therapy. I overheard him tell her he did not know what he wanted. That was a knife to my heart. One time he actually went to get his things and was going to leave but I stopped him. He put his clothes back although he did leave 2 suitcases packed. I asked him why did he not unpack them? He said just to store stuff he does not use. I felt it was because he wanted to be prepared for a quick getaway when it came time to finally leave me. That time came. About two weeks later. I told him he seemed distant and what was going on? I asked if he was happy with me or if he is having second thoughts? He said he was happy. I kept persisting because I knew something was wrong. His words did not match his actions. But he just kept going through the motions. I feel like he set me up to fail. He made me feel insecure and then left me, blaming me for feeling insecure.  I was in the bathtub and he started getting his things and bringing them to his car. By the time I got out, he had half his stuff in his car. I pleaded with him for two hours but he left. He was going to go back to Panama at the end of January to finish the Visa process so he could go back for 6 months at a time in the future. He used to say I would go with him. How we had so much to do and explore together. We were only just beginning. He never gave us a chance. After 6 weeks, he left me. And it was during Covid. Not the time for a new beginning. When I dropped off the rest of his stuff to his place, he told me he apologized to his wife for what he did and told her he was going to get therapy. I wondered if that was self serving. He said he hopes to reconcile with her. How could a man go from making love to you one day, talking about future plans like the home you will be buying together in the near future, to going grocery shopping together for food for the week to later the VERY SAME DAY walking out the door???? And the VERY NEXT DAY apologizing to his wife, telling me he is confused and needs to figure himself out, hoping they reconcile? And two days after that getting on a plane to Panama? Telling me not to contact him for the three months he will be there? But saying HE LOVES ME?? And that he has TWO LOVES? And needs time to be alone and figure himself out?? He told me not to wait for him BUT he also told me I will be fine being alone. That I do not need a man. That I am a strong woman who doesn't need a man and that sex is not that important. He is leaving me and yet has the nerve to tell me I should remain single AND celibate???? I feel that if his wife had not caught him messaging me that day, he would have stayed in Panama indefinitely. I feel that he was angry with me for making him come back home. He really did not want to. If he loved me, he would have tried harder and not left me behind. He would not have gone to Panama in the first place. I am a mess. For the 8 days since he has been gone it has taken all my will power not to contact him. I feel proud of myself for standing my ground. I will not contact him. The pain is unbelievable, especially since all I do is dwell on it being in isolation during the pandemic. We are not allowed out of our homes unless it is to grocery shop. It is torture imagining him in a warm climate in a foreign country, finding new conquests or trying to sweet talk his wife again, trying to worm his way back to her. But I fear if she lets him, he will only hurt her again. I am feeling devastated. It is easy not to see my pain because I am just typing my words. But I don't eat or sleep and all I do is cry every single day. I am sick of feeling devastated. I do not understand why he did this to me? Why did he just not leave me and go to Panama instead of promise me a life with him? Leading me right to the happy ending and then SLIT MY THROAT???

[smackie9]

I see you are sorting through your explosion of emotions/anger with the wall of text. Sorry you are hurting so bad.  Love is a very powerful emotion, that blinds us. Him, he knows how to manipulate, get what he wants, his comfort is important to him. I suspect he is a narcissist/psychopath...men like him don't play by the rules, use others for their own selfishness, and feel entitled. Did he love you? only he can answer that.

My advice is to never have any involvement with the guy again. I know when you are in a weaken state, you would take him back in a heartbeat...but he is not your answer to your happiness....only you can do that for yourself. I suggest you seek out a grief counselor online or call a crisis hotline to talk to someone.

[Wiseman2]

Very sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. His wife will have to deal with his chronic philandering and you are free to find an honest good man. Close the chapter and despite covid/isolation, take pride in yourself and your son. 

[SooSad33]

35 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I stayed and I think I hated myself for not realizing that I was worth more but I bonded to him and became very attached. It was so strong that I thought it was true love and that is what I kept fighting for all these years. But he was often hot and cold. And displayed narcissistic qualities. Whenever he had to go back to his other life, I felt forgotten, turned off. And it really tore me apart. The less love he gave me, the more I chased him. Wanting so desperately not to be abandoned.

- Way back when... you did first see this stuff in him.. sadly you were already drawn into his net 😞 ... BUT this is the beginning of his red flags.

- And, if only you had that strength to get out of this... knowing he was married!  (Was something you knew.. yet seemed to accept?). - your fear of being abandoned- Was a start, you should have realized YOU had some deep rooted issue's.

35 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He was always very good at keeping his emotions level and detached. He was an expert at compartmentalizing but me, not so good. I am much more emotional. When I am in, I am all in. I cannot stop my heart from loving fully. One day while making love I saw scratches on his arm and I LOST it. I ended up on his doorstep, ringing his bell, about to tell his wife

- Yup, most often is us, women who show our emotions.

For you to 'lose it' and end up at HIS doorstep, over scratches.. yet you knew she existed... (again more proof, that YOU needed to seek some prof help- to get out of this and get yourself some real help) - knowing all going on and feeling so worthless/helpless?

37 minutes ago, pattycee said:

later began to communicate with me through a secret email account. He promised her he would work on their marriage and that he had given me up. He also told her our relationship was mostly sexual, which was not the case

- In ways, it was.  He was happy to have it both ways.. his wifey and you.  (sick man).

And you, knowing what he was doing.. all of his actions.. and would still accept him.

For me, knowing he said he WOULD work on their marriage... would have been enough.. ( Big time inner strength be needed).

39 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He did not want to be a jerk and leave her before the trip. Also, he felt if he had time to let her down gently or show he was trying to work on the marriage, she might be more amicable towards him and he would not be shunned by his family and would still be allowed to be part of his kids and grandkid's lives.

- yeah, all 'excuses'... to be with her. (inside, all along, he was stewing.. messed up between you both - Unable to 'give whole heartedly')

42 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He said I still did not trust him, and that was true. I just felt he was going to leave me again. He said he had no space to do anything alone. That I watched him all the time because I didn't trust him.

TRUST = damaged from the beginning 😞 

Once that is affected... problems.. things just escalated.

46 minutes ago, pattycee said:

How could a man go from making love to you one day, talking about future plans like the home you will be buying together in the near future, to going grocery shopping together for food for the week to later the VERY SAME DAY walking out the door??

- Because he did this.. to try & make you 'happy'.. yet, he was not.

Is like fantasy vs reality.  He goes back to 'visit' you.. realizes, this is not what he wants - leaves again... What a selfish man!

48 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I feel that if his wife had not caught him messaging me that day, he would have stayed in Panama indefinitely. I feel that he was angry with me for making him come back home. He really did not want to. If he loved me, he would have tried harder and not left me behind. He would not have gone to Panama in the first place. I am a mess. For the 8 days since he has been gone it has taken all my will power not to contact him. I feel proud of myself for standing my ground. I will not contact him.

No.

If you take a good look at 'His Pattern' in all of this.. He had TWO women fighting for his affection.. He had it made.

He would have left again, as he did.  And he's always done.

 You feel he was angry at YOU?  He's more upset with himself now.  he's one hot mess!

As I mentioned.. Fantasy vs reality... YOU were stuck on his constant push & pull.. all the drama.. ( ever hear of trauma bonding?  Look it up).

Yes.. I highly suggest you get yourself in for therapy- this has damaged you so much 😞

All should have been left alone, long ago... Do not give in & contact him.. Be strong!  Do you have friends you can reach out to?

This will take time.. and you may be damaged a bit from it all.. But, you can do this.. You will be able to move ahead again... Main aim.. take care of YOU now.

Talk to your dr about something for sleep... you're having anxiety issue's... BUT you need sleep & to eat.

He is a loser.. You do NOT want him around anymore...

One day at a time... TC

[smackie9]

I agree you definitely need something to help calm you down. Sleep is so important with the healing process and your health/well being. Maybe they can prescribe tranquilizers, offer sleep aids of some kind. Please don't self medicate, that's a dangerous road to take.

[Hollyj]

What did you expect by getting involved with a married man.  
 

you should be more concerned about the example you are setting for your child. 
 

Time  to reflect on your lousy choices  in men, and consider how many lives you may impact in such a destructive and selfish manner.  This guy did not love you, but loved the thrill of the affair.    

The wife is a fool to take him back.  He is no prize!

[1a1a]

What pattern from your past are you trying to replicate (and resolve) by holding onto this sparkly turd? An answer for yourself, no need to tell me. But I’m hoping once you work that out you can escape the pattern that kept you devalued as the other woman for years. 
 

Check out Baggage Reclaim, it’s a great blog for perception shifts. 
 

I know your heart is shattered now but I hope this narcissist never comes back, your life will be better without him!

[smackie9]

I hope you feel better soon Patty. 🙂 Please take care. *hugs*

[Lambert]

Sorry. I tried to read this very long text but it was hard without paragraphs. From what I read,  it seems you spent a lot of years with a man that is married and it severely messed with your head,  heart,  self esteem,  confidence and just about every part of you. 

You need a therapist and to find a way to never talk to this guy again for your own good. 

 

[Seraphim]

His wife needs to divorce him and get a great white shark of an attorney . 

[pattycee]

His first wife left him after 10 years of marriage. He is currently on his second, along with me, before he ruthlessly abandoned me on January 12th and left for Panama on the 16th. 

His first wife was a nurse and the bread winner and he stayed at home with his 3 young kids. I wonder if he felt bored or emasculated being a stay at home dad? I asked what went wrong with that marriage. He said he was insecure and thought she was cheating on him, and eventually she got tired of his insecurities and left him. I do not believe him. I think it more likely had to do with him cheating on her, although he would never tell me that. I even asked him point blank if he cheated on her. He said no. To this day, both of his sons who are in their 30's and 40s respectively do not have a relationship with him, and barely talk to him. When they do, on rare occasions, they are cordial strangers. There is no bond there. They are very distant from each other and it was always very shocking to me. I asked him why his two sons have never been part of his life but he has never provided a good enough explanation. I always said that's too bad. Also, when his first marriage imploded, he gave up custody of his kids to his wife and gave her the house, no questions asked. I asked why he made it so easy. He said he felt it was the right thing to do. Well, the right thing would have been to split assets equally but not only did he give up all his assets but he gave up custody of all THREE children and would only see them every other weekend. WHY do all of that if everything was on the up and up? He has not spoken to his ex wife since. It has been 30 years at least. I think he was in the wrong and lying about his sins during that relationship so that I would continue to be fooled by his narcissistic game face and think he was a decent guy and I would keep hanging onto him. He was not done with me in those days. It was all very exciting to him and my guess is he kept trying hard to maintain the facade so he could keep getting what he wanted from me. The amazing sex.

He also has a best friend of 30 years who is an ex crack cocaine addict and former swinger. I always questioned his choice of friends. I am all for live and let live but I just felt uncomfortable with his association with a former swinger. He once told me an ex gf took him to a swinger's party in a private home but he had no idea it was a swinger's party. He thought it was just a house party. I told him what type of gf takes you to a swinger's club without you knowing? And then asked him what did he do when he got there? He said he didn't stay. He said at first she did not know it was a swinger's party. How could she NOT know? Then he said he did NOT know. And they left? He was not into it. How do I know he was telling the truth? How do I not know he didn't stay and had sex with a bunch of strangers? I believed him. I kept telling him I wanted to be with a good guy, not a pig or sexual deviant. I wonder if he just lied to me over and over about his past to get me to keep providing the good sex he had with me. I loved him and believed him. But I think we had different moral values. He was way more sexually open than me and I wanted great sex within a relationship. I think it gets better with the same person not a bunch of strangers or casual experiences.  

He told me about a trip to the cabin every year. A group of his friends went for a weekend every August. It was couples. But his wife wasn't interested in camping and let him go alone!!! So it was mostly couples and him. One of his buddies brought a female friend but she was just a companion, not a date or gf. The guy was hoping she would be and that is why he brought her but it ended up that she liked my boyfriend, of course! Apparently when the group went for beer runs, she would pop up out of the sun roof and flash her boobs to passersby. Funny how one night after everyone else had gone to sleep, it was my bf who kept this woman company all alone in a cabin? Apparently they were talking. He must have known she liked him. There is no way he is that stupid. He said she tried to make a pass at him but he stopped her and left. I was not happy with this. He was MARRIED then too. And I told him he put himself in the position to do something wrong. He was creating an opportunity just by being there and leading this woman on. Either way, even if he didn't do anything (not sure about that, he might have and lied to me) he still was acting inappropriate leading her on. So that showed me what his character was like. Sneaky and self centered and I think pretty insecure to put himself in these situations.

Also he hung with the bad kids when he was young and started smoking. He went to boarding school. His parents sent him there to smarten up and get good grades to have a better future. There was this one summer that he just picked up and travelled across the country hitch hiking looking for summer employment and left his then young gf behind. He has always seemed so much of a lone wolf who needs lots of activities to keep him stimulated. We often talked about him having ADHD. Especially since his mother smoked cigarettes while she was pregnant with him, and there is a potential link with smoking during pregnancy and ADHD.

Well before he knew me, he was once in a group of people at a social gathering and one of the women actually undid his belt and was going to put money down his pants. I asked how or why she thought she was even entitled to do something like that? I said to him he must have been encouraging or receptive to her advances. He said she was just drunk. It was harmless fun. Everyone was laughing at her. But still. Knowing any woman would be comfortable enough to do that would mean he had to lead her on in some way, even if she was drunk.

He always talks to everyone and takes an interest in everything. He has to be involved. He cannot ever sit back and chill. He has always travelled with his wife, while I was left back home. He seemed to have fun on those trips although he kept in touch often. But I was always on the shelf. And resented him for having so much fun without me. It just seems like he always needed extra stimulation and can never be happy with what he has. He is very critical and perfectionist. He is a Virgo. I feel like he used me all up. And just selfishly walked out on me with no regard for all the damage it would cause. He is now in Panama likely trying to get back in his wife's good books. In the meantime, he might be trying to reel in somebody new to have sex with. He will never fall in love. I don't believe he is capable. All he is good at is living in the fantasy and then when it is over and he gets what he wants, he will shut you down, until he is ready for more next time. 

He has always been much too independent. It is not wrong to be that but not to the extreme where your needs always come first and you operate like you are not part of a relationship and care about the other person's feelings. I was always afraid he would do what made him happy first. I felt like I had to be his puppet and be the perfect woman, in bed and out. I could not be myself. Or flawed.  I felt like I could never lose my touch sexually or he would leave me or find someone new. It was a lot of pressure to withstand for 8 years. Although I have to say, if that is all he wanted, I had a good run. I was very good right up until the moment I started to see his true colors and then I started to emotionally distance myself and I could not perform the way I used to when he had me completely fooled and ready for action. It is hard to be vulnerable when you know a man doesn't love you and is just using you. Deep down I knew it but I could not let go. I know it was because of the TRAUMA BOND. I am hating myself now because I let it go that far and I put myself in harm's way. To be used and discarded. This man, for the record, is 67 years old now, and his best player days are behind him. I hope it will not be so easy for him to land fresh prey in Panama. The thought of him with another woman sexually right now is tearing out my insides. It is just excruciating. I ask myself how he could do that? Even touch another woman while I lay here on the floor bleeding slowly? I can never be like him. 

When we made love, his wife would sometimes call and while I was on top of him, he would take the call and act like nothing was happening. Or if I was down on him, same thing. I saw then how void of any compassion he was towards her. He could actually talk to his wife on the phone while having sex with his mistress at the same time! I saw so many red flags and I still stayed. I know I brought a lot of this on myself. It is because I felt this emptiness inside and I felt that he was the answer. He was my happy place. I built my happiness around him. 

He also has this friend he has known for 40 years he hangs with. Funny how every time he came back from "coffee" with this male friend, he would have scratches on his forearms? His friend would call him telling him his computer is broken and needs him to fix it. My bf used to work in tech. I would ask my bf how many times does this guy's computer break? It became absurd. It just seemed like an excuse for my bf to go over. To this day, I believe they had some sort of bisexual dalliance every few months or so. I have questioned him about that too but I get complete denial. His friend hates me. Maybe that is because I know their secret. I am pretty convinced my bf swings both ways. I begged him to tell me because I did not want diseases and told him he NEEDED to tell me if he did that because then I would be able to make the choice not to be with him. I do not want a bf who does men. But he continued to say it was all in my head. 

His current wife gave him a long leash. She gave him way too much freedom and he abused it. I believe that he saw I was not going to be that way and give him all the freedom she did (to fool around at his whim?) and he bailed on me. He was trying to control me all the time. He admitted he was trying to change me. He would get angry because I had my own mind and my own opinions and did not agree with him. He wanted time for his own activities and saw that I was going to ask him to do activities as part of a couple. I think he felt his independence was being threatened with me. And I think being independent was more important to him. I believe he wants his wife back because she was an enabling doormat but I finally wised up. She will be easier to continue manipulating than me. I always stood up to him. And fought back. I see through him now and maybe I am not as good a source of narcissistic supply any longer? I even told him when we parted that he needs help. That he is a narcissist. I do not think anyone has ever told him that. I was the only one who knew him well enough to see him for what he really is. I even told him he just wants his own personal cheerleader he can control to boost his ego. I could not do that anymore because I saw that he was not a good man. FINALLY.

I loved him and was good to him. I am too good for this man. I see that now. I was always loyal and committed, even when he ignored me, punished me and treated me like some gum stuck at the bottom of his shoe. I was pushing him to become a better man. I was trying to fix him. But he didn't want to be a better man. Being the same old man he has always been will be much easier. Escaping reality and the truth about his inner self loathing is the path of least resistance. He does not want to change. I cannot change him. Nobody can. He will try to sweet talk his way back to his wife, have his comfortable lifestyle again and on the surface be the happy and attentive husband while on the hunt for his next affair. I would hate to live that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

So he has always been a cheater and had no bonds with his children. He is no prize. 

[pattycee]

I don't know for sure because I don't have any facts or proof in front of me. But if my case was based on circumstantial evidence, yes, I would say he has always been a cheater. He also has a daughter and his daughter is close to him. She has kept in touch with him and has a relationship with him. Although I would not call that very close either.  He can be affectionate and giving but he seems to have an ON/OFF switch when it comes to affection. I do not think this guy truly feels love or attachment. He might fake it all to get what he wants or what is best for him. And above all, he loves himself the most.

[Seraphim]

Stay away from him. You will feel SOOOO much better when you remove the drama from your life. 

[pattycee]

Thanks Seraphim. I guess deep down I know this to be true but I am still feeling pretty empty and alone. It will be a long time before I feel like myself again. I have read about the trauma bond and I know for sure, I have this bond with him. He has left me so many times before over the years, I think as a way of controlling me. He threatened to leave every time I would get upset about something or accuse him of being an *** and not treating me right. He used it as a weapon. And sometimes he would go MIA and go hours without talking to me as another weapon of control. He has also been very passive aggressive. He hates fighting with me because he knows he cannot win arguments with me and I get him all rattled up and confused. He can't get his facts straight when I cross examine him so he retreats and wants to get away from me. He has always come back to me every time. I used to chase him down. NOT THIS TIME.

[Capricorn3]

OP, the more you write about this guy the more awful he sounds.  I am amazed you put up with this cheating jerk for 8 years!  I feel for his wife.  She really should get a good lawyer.  I can't understand why she has put up with this clown either.  It boggles my mind.

Be glad you're rid of him.  He was no prize.  Take time to heal now and move on. 

[pattycee]

Thanks Capricorn3. The sex was out of this world. Maybe that is one good reason. But you know what I discovered? It was mostly because of me. Once my interest waned, he was not all that. Once I saw him for who he was, all I saw in front of me was a user and abuser. Once I realized what I got was a dud, he was not that good in bed. It was my passion that he attached to. He just came along for the ride. I feel sorry for him. He will NEVER find another woman like me. Not especially at his age of 67. He got fireworks here. Anything he finds now will be second rate. While I eventually move on and bring all my passion, the passion he was fortunate to have unleashed on him, to ANOTHER MAN, who may actually be even BETTER in bed than him. Not only that but a BETTER person.

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He will NEVER find another woman like me. Not especially at his age of 67. He got fireworks here. Anything he finds now will be second rate. 

I honestly don't think he really cares.  He sounds like a guy who will take what he can get and stay for as long as he can get it. And then move on to the next one.  Ugh.

Take time off.  Heal yourself first.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t worry so much about the better in bed but a better person. A decent ,moral ,respectable respectful human being is much better. 

[pattycee]

Yes, agreed but he knows he cannot find better. Of that I am convinced. 😉 I am still shocked he left me. He could have kept having sex with me indefinitely instead of needing to do all that work. And there are still no guarantees anyone else will be compatible in bed. Not everyone is good in bed. He is taking a big risk. He did say upon leaving he wants to be alone to figure himself out because he loves two woman. That is laughable. He pretty much told me I will be fine without a man and that I don't need sex, it's overrated. The nerve! I like male company! Whatever he can get will just be mechanical with some desperate, old woman. I am still not convinced he will not come running back once he strikes out everywhere. I can't wait when he does. It will be me telling him to get lost. He isn't good enough for me.

[pattycee]

Seraphim, you are right. A decent person above all else. That counts MOST. I will have to work through my issues with sexuality. I lived in a fantasy for many years and the sex was the focal point. It was this out of body experience. Pure magic and escapism. I need to come down from that and learn how to be part of a real, loving and honest relationship. All I have known was high drama, up's and down's, and addiction. My brain chemistry must be all out of whack. It really is like coming off a drug or drug withdrawal. And re learning how to be a normal person and living with normalcy instead of these highs and lows, which seemed to fuel the addiction.

[Seraphim]

There can be great sex in a loving committed and mutually respectful relationship with no wild up and down drama. 

[Capricorn3]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I wouldn’t worry so much about the better in bed but a better person. A decent ,moral ,respectable respectful human being is much better. 

^ THIS!! 'Nuff said.

[pattycee]

Seraphim, you are so right! In fact, the sex was best with my boyfriend when I thought he was real, and we were real and that he loved me back, the way I LOVED him. It was never better than in those days. And even though my ex husband and I had challenges sexually, we used to have great sex too once upon a time and he was my husband and a stable relationship. 

I don't think any casual or mechanical sexual relationship is going to be the best of my ex bf's life. He always said that before me he just had sex. He never had passion. With me, he discovered passion. And I am very sure he will never have that passion again. He will need to settle for scraps, if he can find any. But I think right now he is probably trying to woo his ex wife. He will have his hands full with that one.

[Tinydance]

Are you getting any therapy? I actually think maybe you need to explore why you were involved with this man for eight years in the first place. I'm not trying to be rude but it sounds like you have very low self esteem and you were desperate to be with SOMEONE. I understand we can't help it if we fall in love with someone but the fact that you knew he was married the whole time and you continued with him. To me to be honest it seems like a case of not feeling good about yourself and just being happy that SOMEONE likes you.

If you did dancing and you were a fit woman and caught his attention then surely you could have found other men? Men who weren't married and could give you a real committed relationship? It sounds like for eight years you just didn't think you could do better. He treated you really badly and he also treated his wife really badly and you knew all that. Eight years is a very long time to waste on someone like this. Especially because you knew all those other unappealing things about him which all pointed to the fact that he's a bad person, a cheater and womaniser. You sold yourself short. VERY short. 

Bottom line is this guy is a bad guy. No matter how you try to spin it, he is an a-hole. A total self absorbed, lying, cheating piece of dirt. I think you need to ask yourself why you thought you don't deserve better.