my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[pattycee]

Hi Boltnrun. Yes, you are right. He was (is) still a bad person and he let me down in all the ways that mattered most, even if he did do good things for me and our relationship. My logical mind does realize this. I am not condoning his bad behaviour. I guess I was trying to convince myself he was a good guy after all and that I would have my happy ending someday. I chose to ignore the bad thinking things would improve or he would finally man up. Or change for the better because he continued to say how much he loved me. I believed him. I was hoping he would change because I was special and he had finally found the right woman. But it wasn't possible if he cannot ever be the right man for me, or anyone else. I feel he will just keep doing what he does and repeating his mistakes. I had sincerely hoped that the words I LOVE YOU were not used calculatingly as a weapon but so many men say those words callously to women. And I think there is nothing and nobody more dangerous than a man who pretends to love a woman, knowing she is in love with him. 

As I sit here, I am crying. I have cried non stop since January 15th. I have resisted contacting him. I have done well and am holding onto my resolve. I felt this intense pull to him and I still do. I will not lie. But that does not mean I will allow him to hurt me again. It is hard to mourn a person who is still alive and walking around in the world. In the past he did leave me, and I chased him. It is almost like he got a rush of me going after him, begging him to come back. This is the first time EVER that I have gone no contact for this long. It has been almost 10 days. We have never gone 10 days without speaking in 8 YEARS, even when he travelled around the world with his wife. He texted me when he landed in Panama to say he got there safe and I responded saying I was glad all is well. That was the last contact. The night before he left, he contacted me on Whatsapp to discuss an issue relating to our phone bills. He said "I will miss you babe." Then he said "Good night baby." I was at his place that night returning some of his stuff. He gave me a back massager. He also packed up all this food that was in his fridge and gave it to me as he would not be eating it. He also deposited $300 into my bank account later that night, without me knowing. I got an email telling me he did. I texted him to say thank you. He said it will help me pay some bills. He did not have to do that. Not sure why he did. 

This has been a tumultuous relationship. And I have read that abusive relationships are addictive and I can say with absolute certainty that is the truth. He has left me and come back over 10 times in the course of our relationship, or has threatened to leave when things got heated. I guess that was when I had needs he just would not meet. So I was forced to back off because he would walk out on me. It was as if he was trying to reset me so that I would comply and accept HIS terms if I wanted to be with him. Treating a human being like that, trying to condition them to "behave", is cruel. Instead of walking away the first time he did that, I kept complying. I thought it was love. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. So I tried harder. He wanted me to think I was asking too much and wanted me to back off and go back into my box and back up on the shelf.

I think he left for Panama because he did not want to be stuck here in the cold. It is much better in the warm climate. He is not trapped like he would be here. And he was perfectly fine getting what he wanted... that travel fix or escape... without me. He has LOVED travel all his life. And travelled with his wife all over the world before I met him. He continued to do so. It was always a great passion for him. He travelled despite my feeling left behind. He did it anyway and I had to always accept it. He probably figured that as I am so in love with him and have always put up with him in the past, that I will be here when he returns. Just like he thought his wife would take him back after he left her for another woman. He is very arrogant. And an expert manipulator. He has a very dominant and self sufficient mother who was not very affectionate. He was also shipped off to boarding school at 14. I sometimes wonder if there is a correlation between that and how he treats women in such a controlling manner.

I will have to be strong to resist his coming back. I will be honest. I am working on building up my immunity right now. It is tough to go through this hell, especially being isolated during the pandemic. The promise of a new year has just prolonged all the crap of last year so far. Here, we are in our second wave. It is the worst ever. We are locked down at home. All I want to do is live life like before. I miss my real life Zumba and fitness classes. Exercise has always been my best therapy in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pattycee]

Lostandhurt. Hi. I have not been tested. I have often asked myself that same question. Should I?

He has always said I have been the ONLY woman he has had sex with since being married to his wife (in 30 years). He said he had other dalliances in between his first and second marriages and before his first marriage as a young guy. But he was always loyal and faithful to me. That I am the only woman who could make him hard. 

He was in Panama for over a month before coming home to me. Do you think a man of advanced years (67) has still got game? Do you think it is that easy for him to get women? An almost 70 year old? Do you think it is possible he was banging someone in Panama before coming back home to me? At the time he was settled there and prepared to be there for at least 2-3 months. So maybe he was trying to find a source of sex while he was there? His wife is asexual. That is what he has always told me. Do women really just bang men that fast? And easy? It took me a whole year before I entered into an affair with him, and almost 6 months of "courtship" before finally having sex with him. I saw him in a social setting for months and got to see him strut his stuff so to speak. In Panama, he just blends in. He can't do Zumba anymore. He is not front and centre. He wrecked his knee and wears a knee brace now. I mean, how fast does he work? Within a month there he already has someone set up? Is already having sex? I don't understand how that is possible? Maybe somebody could explain it to me??

 

[lostandhurt]

Yes you should definitely get tested!!!

He was in Panama and could have had sex with anyone while there not to mention prostitutes.  This man is a liar and cheater so anything he told you is suspect.  This is what cheaters do, they lie and then lie some more to get what they want and then lie to keep getting what they want.

 

Get tested as soon as possible.

  Lost 

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, pattycee said:

His wife is asexual. That is what he has always told me.

Patty, you have to realize that you no idea if that is true.

This man lies, a lot. You cannot assume for a moment that his assertion that she is asexual is true. Most cheaters tell their affair partners that their spouses never want sex, stopped having sex with him, sleep in separate bedrooms, are more like roommates, blah blah blah. It is far more plausible that it was never anywhere near as bad at home as he made it sound to you. 

As for your question about who would sleep with him, at the age of 67. Well, you did, didn't you? You're younger than him and are sexually attracted to him. It therefore stands to reason that you would not be the only woman who out there who might fall for him. I'm reading this as your hope that nobody else will want to sleep with him so he might some back to you, even if just for the sex. You don't seem to want to accept that he could have sex with anyone but you. It's time to open your eyes, Patty. He's clearly still got something or you never would have stuck around for this long. You're very unlikely to be the only woman who'd be charmed into bed with him. 

[arjumand]

You are deluding yourself completely about his wife. Especially as you categorized her as “older” than he is. Three years means they are essentially the same age. I can tell you my mother was very much raring’ to go at that age. And she had been married for fifty years at that point. 

[reinventmyself]

You mention in the beginning that this charasmic older Zumba instructor chose you!  You were his queen and your affair was unique and like none other.

Unfortunately, from where I sit your situation is more than predictable..  Him choosing you is not a compliment.  He read your pain and your vulnerability and figured correctly, that you'd be a willing participant to sad and painful triangle, where everyone loses.  Someone with good self esteem would believe they deserved more than being some married man's secret side piece.  Yet, you willingly did the dance for 8 years.

You started by saying you weren't in a place for a relationship, which is telling because you didn't get one, did you?  Neither of you were available.  My guess, had one of you been, this never would have lasted as long as it did.

When we aren't in a good place emotionally, we tend to make very poor decisions.   Learn from this and if there is anything good that comes out of this, you know you can love and love deeply.  But you loved someone you couldn't have.

Please take some time, get into therapy and learn from this.

[pattycee]

Hi Miss Canuck. He charmed me into bed when he was 8 years younger. And I hung onto him not because of his sexual skills (once I woke up from the fog, I saw they weren't all that great to begin with) but because I fell in love with him. Two different things. 

He had way more stamina in those days. He was also way fitter then and in recent years has gotten big in the gut. His gut sticks out of his pants. Also, in recent years, he has been losing his sex drive and those glory days of the past were something he was unable to keep up with even though I WAS.

He is not the man he used to be 8 years ago. He is almost a decade older and his market value has gone down. And lightning struck for us. It does not happen so easily in everyday life. That is for sure. Not every woman he meets is going to lift her skirt for him. He is not some GOD. I fell in LOVE with him. He is lucky. I knew him for a year and had deep feelings for him before even contemplating any sexual relationship. I will stress that. Because when I first saw him and had no feelings for him at all, I thought he was old, bald, fat and ugly. And I thought he was insecure and tried too hard.

Let me say this. He is in a remote mountain town in Panama, NOT Panama City. So mostly older, retired expats and the locals only speak Spanish. Prostitutes in a mountain town are not common like they are in big cities like Panama City. So, not so sure he will get lucky. Besides, his wife is living in the same mountain town until April. Why would he go back to the same town his wife is in to hook up with other people? It makes no sense. And why do that if he is planning to reconcile with her?

 

 

[pattycee]

Arjumand, I hear you. I will be raring to go at 70 too. And beyond. 

[East4]

23 hours ago, pattycee said:

My way of dealing with the issues and my grief was escaping, to some place where I felt normal or happy, desired, not like a failure.

Gosh, don't know about the other posters, I personally feel tired to read about this guy. He would be very happy that he has been the subject of so many people's thoughts, not only yours, Patty, but for a whole bunch of people on the internet.

This thread is your thread, Patty, so why not put the focus on you? It would benefit you, because it is high time that you focus on yourself, your motives and triggers, than center entirely on the guy. You have done that for so long, and what did it bring you?

OK, all agree that the man is not stellar in his relationships, but you Patty stayed voluntarily. I thought that people wizen up with age, you are 52, not some 20 y.o gullible girl, so please take some responsibility too. Nobody can fool you, if you do not want to be fooled.

In the quote above, you Patty said it all. I do not really think you really loved this guy, because people that feel empty inside and not happy within themselves cannot really love. People feeling empty inside, grieving and full of guilt, like you say you were after your divorce and your child's diagnosis, sometimes reach out to somebody in an attempt to distract themselves from their suffering. Do not mistake this "reaching out" for love, it is not. It is your attempt to distract yourself from hard truth that you did not want to face. Perhaps it was deep guilt or shame that your child was not like the others, you felt perhaps defective. These are very difficult emotions to deal with. You said it yourself that you are in the habit to escapism when faced with challenging situation. And this guy was your fantasy world, your outlet from hard feelings that you did not and I think still you do not want to face. You convinced yourself that if you just manage to get this guy to leave his wife and be yours, then finally you will be happy and I dare say, you will feel complete and worthy inside. This is not love, Patty, this is psychological dependency, that perhaps you learned sometime very early in your life. 

I know the feeling of "wanting" and "desiring" is very strong, it is easy to mistakenly take it for love.  If it were, you two with your boyfriend would not have lived for such a long time in a charade of lies (to others and yourselves), manipulations and toxicity. There is no other name for what you two were living. And you were a willing participant, a grown up woman at 45 when you met him.

Patty, do some soul searching, focus on what you did to be in this situation. He might be a manipulator, narcissist all you want. But you participated willingly too. Think about what made you a willing contributor in a situation that you say you didn't like. Yet you stayed in it. So, at some level there was a benefit for you too from all this.

[Cynder]

22 hours ago, Hollyj said:

What did you expect by getting involved with a married man.  
 

you should be more concerned about the example you are setting for your child. 
 

Time  to reflect on your lousy choices  in men, and consider how many lives you may impact in such a destructive and selfish manner.  This guy did not love you, but loved the thrill of the affair.    

The wife is a fool to take him back.  He is no prize!

My thoughts exactly. 

OP, my Dad was married when he got my Mom pregnant.  He left his wife for her and then cheated on her for 15 years.  And she was always so mystified by this.  I even remember this as a kid.  Someone who cheated with you will eventually cheat on you.  And growing up around infidelity will have a negative impact on your kid.  Trust me.  I'm a living adult example of this. 

[Seraphim]

My dad too was a cheater. He cheated on my mom with hundreds of people she even caught him red handed . One of the reasons she left. 
I would probably forgive ONCE after that out on your a$$. 

[boltnrun]

Patty...you were not the only one.

I know it comforts you to believe he really did love you, but I can guarantee that Zumba class was his happy hunting ground.

It's kind of astonishing that after all of his lies and deceit you still think he told you the truth!  He did not.  He told you whatever would keep you as his mistress.  It was all for him, not for you.

I agree with East...how about instead of obsessing about him and trying to pretend he isn't the snake he proved himself to be, you focus on you?  How about deciding to get emotionally healthy?  Build up your self esteem with whatever works for you.

And yes, we have all had to adjust during the pandemic, but I bet there are online Zumba classes you can take. Staying fit does wonders for your mental and emotional health.

[SherrySher]

4 hours ago, East4 said:

I personally feel tired to read about this guy.

I think we all are. He was/is a loser. I wished OP would see that and move on. No decent man collects and breaks women down like this.

4 hours ago, East4 said:

so why not put the focus on you? It would benefit you, because it is high time that you focus on yourself, your motives and triggers,

Yes, I tried turning the focus as this is where the problem is, however I am not sure OP is ready to face herself yet.

4 hours ago, East4 said:

This is not love, Patty, this is psychological dependency, that perhaps you learned sometime very early in your life. 

Absolutely.

Patty, again, I advise that you stop going over and over the past with this person. Let...it...go.

He was a very bad choice. The end.

You came to this site for help, there are people trying to help you. YOU....not as a victim but as a person who willingly ran into the arms of the worst type of man you could find.

Get yourself tested, find yourself a very good therapist and start the healing process.

Regurgitating memories of him or what he was about or how he hurt you, etc etc....is not helping and it just slowing down your process of healing.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Patty...you were not the only one.

Again...absolutely.

This guy is a cheater, he loves to play women, he is an ego maniac. There is no doubt in my mind that he was sleeping around all over the place during the time he had both his wife and Patty, and even now.

He can't help himself. It's how he fools himself into believing that he is a "man".

Completely disillusioned.

But you are too, Patty, if you truly think you and his wife were the only ones he was hopping into bed with, or flirting with.

[reinventmyself]

4 hours ago, East4 said:

Gosh, don't know about the other posters, I personally feel tired to read about this guy. He would be very happy that he has been the subject of so many people's thoughts, not only yours, Patty, but for a whole bunch of people on the internet.

This thread is your thread, Patty, so why not put the focus on you? It would benefit you, because it is high time that you focus on yourself, your motives and triggers, than center entirely on the guy. You have done that for so long, and what did it bring you?

OK, all agree that the man is not stellar in his relationships, but you Patty stayed voluntarily. I thought that people wizen up with age, you are 52, not some 20 y.o gullible girl, so please take some responsibility too. Nobody can fool you, if you do not want to be fooled.

In the quote above, you Patty said it all. I do not really think you really loved this guy, because people that feel empty inside and not happy within themselves cannot really love. People feeling empty inside, grieving and full of guilt, like you say you were after your divorce and your child's diagnosis, sometimes reach out to somebody in an attempt to distract themselves from their suffering. Do not mistake this "reaching out" for love, it is not. It is your attempt to distract yourself from hard truth that you did not want to face. Perhaps it was deep guilt or shame that your child was not like the others, you felt perhaps defective. These are very difficult emotions to deal with. You said it yourself that you are in the habit to escapism when faced with challenging situation. And this guy was your fantasy world, your outlet from hard feelings that you did not and I think still you do not want to face. You convinced yourself that if you just manage to get this guy to leave his wife and be yours, then finally you will be happy and I dare say, you will feel complete and worthy inside. This is not love, Patty, this is psychological dependency, that perhaps you learned sometime very early in your life. 

I know the feeling of "wanting" and "desiring" is very strong, it is easy to mistakenly take it for love.  If it were, you two with your boyfriend would not have lived for such a long time in a charade of lies (to others and yourselves), manipulations and toxicity. There is no other name for what you two were living. And you were a willing participant, a grown up woman at 45 when you met him.

Patty, do some soul searching, focus on what you did to be in this situation. He might be a manipulator, narcissist all you want. But you participated willingly too. Think about what made you a willing contributor in a situation that you say you didn't like. Yet you stayed in it. So, at some level there was a benefit for you too from all this.

^^ well said.

Your subsequent posts seem like a woman scorned.  A victim.  He may have chose you, but there is nothing to be learned here if you don't accept your responsibility in this and the consequences of your own poor choices.

He charmed me into bed when he was 8 years younger.  <- This is victim talk.  You were vulnerable and hungry and instead of addressing your personal pain you ran the first person who paid attention to you.

You went from dressing him up into brutally dressing him down.   So, this really isn't about him is it?  I get the sense that as long as you can keep your focus on the old Zumba man you don't have to look at yourself and address some long overdue pain.  This is nothing more than more distraction.

give that some thought.

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, pattycee said:

Why would he go back to the same town his wife is in to hook up with other people? It makes no sense. And why do that if he is planning to reconcile with her?

Because he is a cheater, Patty. He likes having sex with different women. He doesn't want you in his life anymore but that doesn't mean he won't unzip his fly for others.  I promise you they're not as hard to find as you desperately want to believe. Not even in a remote mountain town. 

You need to stop deluding yourself that this was a "lightning only strikes once" situation. It really wasn't. It's a textbook affair. You would be foolish and willingly naïve to think you were the only one he's ever done with this, or that you were the only one for the entire 8 years. You probably were not.  

You are feeling terribly rejected, I know, so you're trying to tear him to shreds to soothe your ego. But you'll never move on if you continue to feed yourself the narrative that this was some great love story and that you are a victim. You are not. You were an eager participant with a run-of-the-mill philanderer. Time to get down off your high horse and "woe is me" schtick, and take your power back. 

[Hollyj]

You went into this with your eyes wide open.   

Focus only on you  and why YOU choose to be an active anticipant in this destructive mess.  

[pattycee]

Miss Canuck, I assume you are from Canada too? Thanks for the tough love.

I am SO DEVASTATED. :(((((((((((((( 

I WAS LOYAL TO HIM FOR 8 YEARS Miss Canuck!! LOYAL in every sense. I am not an unattractive woman and I could have had MANY more opportunities than an OLD MAN Miss Canuck! But I did not act like an animal in heat! I have standards and morals. Yes, I entered into an illicit relationship but I was LOYAL to this man!!! And it hurts even more that he did not appreciate who I was and what he had. I had so many older men look at me and I am sure they would have loved to have a younger pretty woman like me and he did. But it was not good enough. He threw me away. And for WHAT? Side a$$ that will not last? How good is mechanical sex, sex that is fleeting Miss Canuck? I have not had any experience with that. I have only been with my ex husband and this man. Both long term committed relationships, even though the second was an affair. My heart was still involved.

Yes, it hurts my ego very badly to think a man who is 15 years older than me has found other women when I am so much younger and full of life and he found me very attractive and did so much for me. I feel so resentful of him and it makes me hate him even more. And honestly he is not some stud Miss Canuck. I fell for him emotionally and that is why I had sex with him to begin with. He can lay on the act of showing interest to a woman and all of that but it is just an act after all. He will pull out the stops to get sex but then he wants nothing to do with a woman. He is a loner. He is self reliant. He will not want any woman in his life for too long, who cramps his style and invades his space. He just wants a friend he can bang when he feels like it and then puts her on a shelf. I think when he was living with me, he was growing restless because I was around him too much and he complained I would watch him when he was on his iPad and phone. He seemed to want private time on his devices but I was watching him very carefully. I did not trust him. He hated that. I had a feeling he did not want to be here or with me. I had a gut feeling he was going to leave. And I had wondered if he had met some woman in Panama before returning home to me and was going to get in touch with her when he decided to go back so that he would have a f buddy ready. I have to make it clear that he was not planning to come home to me right away when he went to Panama the first time. And why even go there if he chose me? His wife caught him messaging me and he had to confess. Otherwise he kept dangling the carrot, saying it could be another 2 months before he comes home. I feel like everywhere he goes he makes himself comfortable and sets himself up with a new human sex toy. He was going to be there for a couple of months. He did not want to go without sex. His sex life with his wife was non existent and even if he did have sex with her, I am sure he was bored. 

He got a bike there to get around. He went to the stores a lot. They have a curfew there and Covid restrictions in place. They have to wear masks 24/7 unless at home. I can't imagine any reasonable woman taking risks with Covid. Or him by the way. I know him and he is not a risk taker when it comes to his health. He is in the high risk group and has ASTHMA which would make his ability to fight off the coronavirus very difficult, especially at his age.

I do not know the lay of the land there. But maybe the women there latch onto white older guys who they think are rich? That is my guess. He isn't rich and lives off a pension. But to them I guess he has a lot of money. He is not a stupid man. He seems to know how to source out potential sex partners. In Zumba classes. In a third world country where the women are desperate. 

He has left me many times. But he always came back. He will be back again once his fun is over and he comes home and needs an easy sex partner. Any sex partners he may have had were not regulars. I was. I think the others, if he had any, would have been one off's or casuals. 

I just do not understand why he would need casual sex. How GOOD IS THAT? With us, it only got better and better. Like a symphony orchestra. I knew his body. He knew mine. We knew what pleased each other. It was full of passion. Lot of intense kissing. I could go on. We really were connected. I know that any woman can provide sex. But surely Miss Canuck, there are sexual experiences a man has that cannot be duplicated. I mean how special can it be if it is just mechanical? Why would he give up long term sexual satisfaction with me to go to Panama? I guess the unanswered questions are just adding to my depression. 

I have visions of him having someone there now. Not his wife. I hate him for potentially getting his marriage back, potentially having a f buddy there and yet here I am all alone, with NO desire to have sex or a relationship with ANYONE. I am too raw and distraught yet he just picks right up and starts a new fantasy. I always told him he would not last with me because I would become TOO REAL. Too everyday. I told him fantasies cannot be sustained. And in the end, they are empty and you are left all alone. I always told him he would throw me away for a new fantasy when I became too real. He always said that would never happen. I was insecure knowing that I was getting old. The longer I stayed, the more insecure I was becoming. In reality, the longer you are in a relationship, the more secure you should feel. Not with him. He is the type that looks for whatever suits him best. He never cared about my feelings. Only what he wanted. He did not want a commitment. He wanted to be free, to play the field. AT HIS AGE! Can anyone tell me DO MEN EVER GROW UP? He is almost 70!!! He is going to regret his actions when he ends up all alone. He had two good women yet he threw that away and for what? Why would he tell me not to contact him? I think he had to let me go in order to fool around. But when he is done and he does not find a woman like me, and thinks it is out of his system, he will try to get back in my good books. 

He will come back when he is horny. I am sure of that. Shallow and self serving men like that are so predictable. He will try to sweet talk me. Throw the I love you's and I miss you's my way. He thinks I will eat it all up!! WE WILL SEE. Miss Canuck, I am taking back my POWER!!! I so wish I could start dating again and find a new sexy man to take my mind off him!!! But with the pandemic it is so hard to do that. I guess I will need to suffer for awhile. 😞

[Seraphim]

Dirt bag men don’t grow up , no. I feel most sorry for his wife, she is the true victim in this mess . 

[pattycee]

Can anyone here tell me why a married man would choose to tell his wife he is in LOVE with me, and leave her and their 30 year marriage to come home to me and move in with me, talking about a future, being part of a couple with me, being part of my son's life.... and then turning around and leaving me and our future all behind after only 6 WEEKS to go BACK to Panama???

I am having a problem with CLOSURE here.

[Seraphim]

Because he is a dirtbag, no bigger issue. 

[pattycee]

I am going to start working out hard like I used to. I have all my weights in my storage room. Lots of online workouts to do. I will throw myself into that and get back into the best shape of my life. Covid has really played a number on my physical and mental health. 😞 I am going to focus on me and making myself happy. And improved. I was always happy when I worked out and did Zumba.

And by the way, today is the FIRST day I have woken up not crying. So far, so good.

[Hollyj]

25 minutes ago, pattycee said:

Miss Canuck, I assume you are from Canada too? Thanks for the tough love.

I am SO DEVASTATED. :(((((((((((((( 

I WAS LOYAL TO HIM FOR 8 YEARS Miss Canuck!! LOYAL in every sense. I am not an unattractive woman and I could have had MANY more opportunities than an OLD MAN Miss Canuck! But I did not act like an animal in heat! I have standards and morals. Yes, I entered into an illicit relationship but I was LOYAL to this man!!! And it hurts even more that he did not appreciate who I was and what he had. I had so many older men look at me and I am sure they would have loved to have a younger pretty woman like me and he did. But it was not good enough. He threw me away. And for WHAT? Side a$$ that will not last? How good is mechanical sex, sex that is fleeting Miss Canuck? I have not had any experience with that. I have only been with my ex husband and this man. Both long term committed relationships, even though the second was an affair. My heart was still involved.

Yes, it hurts my ego very badly to think a man who is 15 years older than me has found other women when I am so much younger and full of life and he found me very attractive and did so much for me. I feel so resentful of him and it makes me hate him even more. And honestly he is not some stud Miss Canuck. I fell for him emotionally and that is why I had sex with him to begin with. He can lay on the act of showing interest to a woman and all of that but it is just an act after all. He will pull out the stops to get sex but then he wants nothing to do with a woman. He is a loner. He is self reliant. He will not want any woman in his life for too long, who cramps his style and invades his space. He just wants a friend he can bang when he feels like it and then puts her on a shelf. I think when he was living with me, he was growing restless because I was around him too much and he complained I would watch him when he was on his iPad and phone. He seemed to want private time on his devices but I was watching him very carefully. I did not trust him. He hated that. I had a feeling he did not want to be here or with me. I had a gut feeling he was going to leave. And I had wondered if he had met some woman in Panama before returning home to me and was going to get in touch with her when he decided to go back so that he would have a f buddy ready. I have to make it clear that he was not planning to come home to me right away when he went to Panama the first time. And why even go there if he chose me? His wife caught him messaging me and he had to confess. Otherwise he kept dangling the carrot, saying it could be another 2 months before he comes home. I feel like everywhere he goes he makes himself comfortable and sets himself up with a new human sex toy. He was going to be there for a couple of months. He did not want to go without sex. His sex life with his wife was non existent and even if he did have sex with her, I am sure he was bored. 

He got a bike there to get around. He went to the stores a lot. They have a curfew there and Covid restrictions in place. They have to wear masks 24/7 unless at home. I can't imagine any reasonable woman taking risks with Covid. Or him by the way. I know him and he is not a risk taker when it comes to his health. He is in the high risk group and has ASTHMA which would make his ability to fight off the coronavirus very difficult, especially at his age.

I do not know the lay of the land there. But maybe the women there latch onto white older guys who they think are rich? That is my guess. He isn't rich and lives off a pension. But to them I guess he has a lot of money. He is not a stupid man. He seems to know how to source out potential sex partners. In Zumba classes. In a third world country where the women are desperate. 

He has left me many times. But he always came back. He will be back again once his fun is over and he comes home and needs an easy sex partner. Any sex partners he may have had were not regulars. I was. I think the others, if he had any, would have been one off's or casuals. 

I just do not understand why he would need casual sex. How GOOD IS THAT? With us, it only got better and better. Like a symphony orchestra. I knew his body. He knew mine. We knew what pleased each other. It was full of passion. Lot of intense kissing. I could go on. We really were connected. I know that any woman can provide sex. But surely Miss Canuck, there are sexual experiences a man has that cannot be duplicated. I mean how special can it be if it is just mechanical? Why would he give up long term sexual satisfaction with me to go to Panama? I guess the unanswered questions are just adding to my depression. 

I have visions of him having someone there now. Not his wife. I hate him for potentially getting his marriage back, potentially having a f buddy there and yet here I am all alone, with NO desire to have sex or a relationship with ANYONE. I am too raw and distraught yet he just picks right up and starts a new fantasy. I always told him he would not last with me because I would become TOO REAL. Too everyday. I told him fantasies cannot be sustained. And in the end, they are empty and you are left all alone. I always told him he would throw me away for a new fantasy when I became too real. He always said that would never happen. I was insecure knowing that I was getting old. The longer I stayed, the more insecure I was becoming. In reality, the longer you are in a relationship, the more secure you should feel. Not with him. He is the type that looks for whatever suits him best. He never cared about my feelings. Only what he wanted. He did not want a commitment. He wanted to be free, to play the field. AT HIS AGE! Can anyone tell me DO MEN EVER GROW UP? He is almost 70!!! He is going to regret his actions when he ends up all alone. He had two good women yet he threw that away and for what? Why would he tell me not to contact him? I think he had to let me go in order to fool around. But when he is done and he does not find a woman like me, and thinks it is out of his system, he will try to get back in my good books. 

He will come back when he is horny. I am sure of that. Shallow and self serving men like that are so predictable. He will try to sweet talk me. Throw the I love you's and I miss you's my way. He thinks I will eat it all up!! WE WILL SEE. Miss Canuck, I am taking back my POWER!!! I so wish I could start dating again and find a new sexy man to take my mind off him!!! But with the pandemic it is so hard to do that. I guess I will need to suffer for awhile. 😞

You were “loyal” to a married man.  You knew going into this that he was not loyal to his family, so why would he be with you. 
you signed up for This mess and have no one else to blame but yourself.

I will never understand why you and the wife think him to be such a prize.  I strongly suggest therapy to deal with your  self esteem issues,  as I do not think you get your part in this.  Simply terrible! 
 

you choose to screw up your life, and others. 
 

instead of finding a new man,  deal with your issues and care for your son! 

[SherrySher]

Why are you not seeking out therapy?

Honestly, with the rants you are going on about him and what happened, you are needing a therapist who can sit down with you and help you properly. It also sounds like you need that help asap.

You are cycling....you need help.

Please get in touch with someone today and see if you can set up an appointment. They are doing over the phone counselling or online counselling (due to Covid).

But set something up.

[pattycee]

I understand and own my part in this Hollyj. It does not make him any less of a sub human. I guess I am more angry with myself for allowing him to do this to me for all these years. And I truly feel bad for his wife. I do need therapy because I allowed it to happen and continue for so long.