my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, pattycee said:

Boltnrun, I do focus on my son. He is the light of my life. My married bf actually asked me to go to Panama with him in the future. He wanted me to go for anywhere from one month to 3, and was hoping to keep me there for 6 in the distant future. My son is only 15 and he needs me. At some point he will need to go into an assisted living residence, as his dad and I will not live forever. But my bf was pushing me to put him into a home by his 18th birthday so that I will not have the responsibility of him while I go away with him. He said it is best for my son to be on his own and that I cling to him too much and smother him, and am too attached to him. Well, DUH. I am his mother! And that is just how it is. He said the people at the home will take care of him while I am away and he will be just fine without me. But I did not agree. I actually fought him on that one. I told him if it comes down to making a choice between him and my son, it will be my son every single time. He just seemed selfish to want me to leave my son behind for months. He said he is an adult at 18 and should be learning to be independent by then and I should have my own life, that I have cared for him for all these years, and need to let him grow up. I was really not comfortable with that at all. I honestly do not think I am capable of leaving my child behind for months at a time. 

And it is tough. I do realize it. I have had this crazy, intense bond with this man for all these years. It really is scary how bonded I have been. To my own detriment. You are right, it will be hard to resist him.

Seraphim, I am very sorry that happened to you. 😞 I hope you have had some help getting through it. And I am glad you found happiness with your husband. Life sure isn't easy.

Of course he wanted you to ditch your son that way you can dote on him 24/7. It is not because he wanted your son to be independent. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, pattycee said:

Can anyone here tell me why a married man would choose to tell his wife he is in LOVE with me, and leave her and their 30 year marriage to come home to me and move in with me, talking about a future, being part of a couple with me, being part of my son's life.... and then turning around and leaving me and our future all behind after only 6 WEEKS to go BACK to Panama???

Because that might not be what happened, exactly. 

My guess is that she found out the full extent, booted him out, and then when she decided to give their marriage a chance, he went running back to her. (How do you know it's even true that he told her he was in love with you, by the way?  And please don't tell me it's because he told you. You know his word isn't worth crap)

You should never have had this man around your son to begin with, Patty. You never had an established, honest relationship with this man so I can't fathom why you thought it was smart to bring him around your child in any way, shape or form, knowing the enormous risk.  That was a serious error in judgement on your part. 

And finally it doesn't matter if you were loyal to him for 8 years. He's a married man who isn't entitled to loyalty. That was your mistake. He doesn't owe you anything in return, as you're learning the hard way. 

(To answer your earlier question - yes, I am Canadian. I've lived abroad for nearly a decade now, though.)

[East4]

Look Patty, from where I stand, you took the Florida trip as some strong proof of love, but let me tell you the proof was one sided-from your side. You made the effort and took the risk to travel all alone a huge distance, all dolled up and excited. 

As for zumba guy-he was trilled of your visit, but for all the wrong reasons. For him it was the thrill of how far he could go in two-timing women. I guess he felt like the smartest and most amazing player in the world. He fooled his wife, put her on a boat trip with HIS (!)mother and made you travel thousands miles (I guess on your dime), a woman who is not experienced traveler, to be at his beck and call. He is in for the thrill of how far he can push the limits-he says "jump" and you "how high?", or in this case "how far?"-, reveling and savoring the ultimate control he could have over two stupid women. It has not been love on his side, Patty, only dark Machiavellianism. I bet that night, when his little rotation plan worked, he was laying in the dark with a happy smile, thinking to himself before falling asleep: "oh, man, I am so smart and skillful in making these two stupid cows vying for my attention. Man, I am really something, my little two-timing works like a charm, I am so cool."

And you are complaining that this excuse of a man has left you? Woman, actually the day he left you is the brightest day in history for you, because there is potential for you to finally start loving and respecting yourself, going forward.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, pattycee said:

How could he even touch somebody else after being with me for 8 years? I can't do that. I would not be able to physically have sex with another man if he walked into my living room right now. How does HE do it? How CAN he do it? I can't imagine going through life that way.

You cannot be serious here, Patty. 

His wife is the one who should be asking him those questions. How he could possibly touch someone else after decades of marriage. And you're lying to nobody but yourself if you honestly believe he never once had sex with her in the 8 years your affair went on. Or someone else altogether. 

And the answer as to how he can do it? He doesn't attach the same emotional significance to sex that you do. I sense that you feel pretty humiliated that your perceived sexual prowess wasn't enough to keep him around, and the realization that you don't have this sexual hold over him is a tough pill to swallow. 

But your thought pattern on this is reflective of just how deep your denial is here. You've been selling yourself a really false narrative about this affair for a really long time. Waking up and realizing your narrative unraveled so quickly because it wasn't what you thought it was is going to be shocking to the system for a while. But you need a major reality check here, so that you never ever put yourself in such a dead-end, toxic situation again. 

[LootieTootie]

Patty,

You really need to stop talking about this sleaze ball like he was something special. You are obsessed and I worry if you don't get therapy, you will run back to him because why? Because you are lonely and empty.

Your thought process of "getting over" this man is so way off. I can't even tell you how bad it is. It just is. Schedule a PROFESSIONAL therapy session today if you can. 

I am sorry you put up 8 years believing this man was your ticket to long lasting loving relationship and I am sorry a part of you still have some hopes of it. But what I see is someone who hit midlife and maybe felt like she had missed out and started acting like her 20s. Unfortunately you are not in your 20s or 30s... you have to accept that you are wasting the remainder of your life to an obsession (a grimy old man who used you) and it's time to wake up and make your life count for you and your son.

When you start focusing on your mental and emotional health by talking to a professional, I promise you things will be more clear and things will fall in to place. It will not always be fair but it will make sense and you will have that constant peace of mind.

[pattycee]

To everyone here. I am deeply grateful to all of you for reaching out to me, a complete stranger, with your kindness, your honesty, your words of wisdom and most importantly, your empathy. Mistresses are always judged harshly and vilified but we all have a story and a reason we fell into a trap with a married man. At the heart of it all, we were broken, empty and vulnerable. I am happy I came here. I have begun to see things very clearly for the first time. I have been in no contact since January 16. And I am so proud of myself so far. In the past, I used to chase after him. And he would have expected the same this time. 

Miss Canuck, I agree. He likely told me a story. I believe his wife did catch him talking to me, and already knew who I was because he had to confess our affair to her last summer, rather than hear it from me when I rang their doorbell. She thought it was over and done with. She found out he did not let me go after all. So, it is very possible she told him it was over, and not the other way around. She did continue to contact him after he moved in with me. She would email him everyday, sometimes several times and ask him for help with different things. She did not ignore him and was pretty cordial with him. I found that strange. He usually responded to her right away. They were supposed to work on their marriage but never did. The first time he let me go last September, he told me he was going to Panama to give his marriage another try and not to contact him. That he had to leave the past behind, including me. He did not do that. He instead kept in touch and on a string. But I think this is what he is doing this time. Trying to work on the marriage while finally getting rid of me, the source of distraction. What he meant to do the first time.

I believe that he threw me under the bus either way. Yes, I placed myself right in front of it. I know. And being as selfish and self absorbed as he is, I do not put it past him to contact me or come running back the moment he hits Canadian soil (or before) in April if his marriage does not work out or if he is horny or bored and looking for a sex partner for the 6 months he is Canada. He will come to me because he thinks he CAN. I look forward to that moment. Why? Because it will finally be me who will turn him down. 

 

 

[pattycee]

Also, his entire family and the people he calls "friends" now know what kind of a man he really is. And that damage will never be undone by throwing his mistress away. He can't take back what he did. He will be living with the fact that the most important people in his life now know he is a cheater. And his reputation and image has been forever tarnished. Those relationships will never be the same. His wife will likely never trust him for the rest of his days, and will have a watchful eye on him. He will not be allowed any of the freedoms he used to have. So, there are many negative repercussions for him. And he lost me. He did not know or appreciate what he had. When people become too greedy, they end up losing it all. 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, pattycee said:

But I keep picturing him doing all the things he did with me sexually with another woman and it is torture.  I will venture a bet to say she is not like me and he had to settle for less.

How could he even touch somebody else after being with me for 8 years?

Patty, you really need to get out of your head - and I mean that in the kindest way.  You can't be this naive.  You seem madly obsessed with sex.  It's all sex, sex, sex.  Trust me, he will find another and she can be just as "amazing" as you think you are.  Maybe even better.  And even if she is not, for him it really doesn't matter. He's just a cheating, lying sleazeball and will go where he can get it.  Get that in your head.

As to how he can even touch someone else after being with you for 8 years?  Again, you really can't be this naive. He's been "touching" other women throughout his married life to his WIFE of 30 years.  That's the question you should be asking.  How could he touch another woman when he already has a wife for 30 years.

Now onto a far more important issue:  "my bf was pushing me to put him into a home by his 18th birthday so that I will not have the responsibility of him while I go away with him."

My head is still spinning when reading that. If that didn't show you what an a**h*** he truly is, then I don't know what will.  That's about as low as anyone can go (imo). Disgusting beyond words.  If he said that to me about my son he would have been out the door in seconds.  That alone should have been your cue to dump his sorry a$$.  I struggle to understand what you saw in this "person".  I just don't get it.

I do hope you find a therapist soon. 

 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Your son needs you to be a strong mother to him. Focus on him instead of lamenting the loss of your affair.

Best post in the entire thread.  👍

[boltnrun]

Also, you claim he was so wonderful to your son.  I don't consider trying to get you to shove your son into a group home so you'll be available to him anytime he wanted to use you "wonderful".  And yet, even after that you still love him and want him to come back to you?

I really don't understand.

[pattycee]

Hi Capricorn3. That is your opinion and I respect that. He used to tell me he has had sex before but never passion the way he experienced it with me. And I actually believe he is telling the truth. I know that for a fact. I was very passionate. We were very passionate. It doesn't matter how many women he sniffs around, he will remember me as his best. Unlike ANY of these women who would be nothing but better than putting it into a hole in the wall, I LOVED him or at least believed I did. And in my opinion, no woman gives a man better, more passionate sex than one who is emotionally invested. Not those who have no attachment and do it just to get off, boost their ego and leave. Casual women are no match for a woman who loves the guy. I am not naive. It is what I believe and I won't change my mind.  

He went back to work it out with his wife, not sniff around other women.

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He used to tell me he has had sex before but never passion the way he experienced it with me. And I actually believe he is telling the truth. I know that for a fact.

With all due respect, he probably fed that same line to all his little side dishes. And will continue to do so in the future.  No doubt they all believed he was "telling the truth".  They all "knew that for a fact".

[pattycee]

Boltnrun, believe me, I know he is an a**hole for trying to take me away from my son. He would never succeed. And I am sure he put on an act around my son by engaging with him so much while he was here. Like he is some stellar father figure. He is a loser. Two of his grown sons don't even talk to him or have a relationship with him. There is a reason for that and it has everything to do with him. I don't want him to come back to me. I am hanging in and going no contact so that I can think clearly and distance my emotions from him. So that I can see how much of a scumbag he really is and never take him back. My emotions clouded my judgment for 8 years. And so did the sex. He always seduced me with sex when I started to pull away. I am seeing things more clearly now. This is important. 

Also, he has weird friends who I never liked. There is something to be said about hanging with like minded people but he always resisted my assertion, saying you don't have to do what your friends do to be friends with them. Well in my books, friends should share similar core values. So his choice of an ex swinger-drug addict and crooked lawyer in some way have to reflect on him. His lawyer friend (the one I think he has bi experiences with occasionally whenever he is having "computer problems") has a son who has come out as transgender. My bf told me about this. He told me his lawyer friend disowned the son and has no relationship with him. Hmmm. How familiar!!!! So when we broke up, I texted his friend and said what a bad father he is to his son. That his son needs him more than ever. Just because his son did not follow in his footsteps or was like him or his ego or pride was hurt does not mean he should disown him. His son needs his father more than ever, not to be abandoned. I guess that really hit home. His lawyer friend threatened to call the police on me if I ever texted him again, saying he was afraid for his safety. WOW!!!! Truth hurts. And it seems I was unravelling so many secrets and lies people want to keep in the dark. His lawyer friend was also in a relationship with much to lose. I swear I believe something went on there. The lawyer guy sent texts to my boyfriend and one of them was his bitmoji blowing KISSES. What man sends another man a bitmoji of himself blowing him kisses?? And all my bf ever did was blow smoke up his pants in the texts. I was starting to become privy to way too much. People don't like that. I did not mention I used to be a former journalist before I had my son. I am really not a stupid person. 

[pattycee]

Sorry Capricorn3, I still believe him. I know. I was there. Any no name side dish can bring their A game to one or two fleeting encounters but I brought it consistently for almost 8 years and it kept getting better each time. I may have self confidence issues in general but not when it comes to my sexuality. And no, I don't think he was that good. All of my family saw him and were shocked at how much older he looked than me. I was once out with him and somebody referred to him as my father!!! Every one I knew laughed when they saw his photos. My family could not believe I would choose an old, bald guy with a gut. When I was young, in shape and attractive.

[East4]

well, Patty, time to make another guy happy 😉

[pattycee]

Hard sell with Covid East4! 😞 And I am just not ready for that anytime soon. 

[boltnrun]

Why is it so important for you to try to believe he truly loved you and that you were the best sex he ever had?

[pattycee]

Boltnrun, I was with the man for 8 years. It is important. Let's just say he never did love me. That I know in retrospect. But was I the best he ever had? OH YES! I rest in the knowledge that IF he succeeds from now on, it will be few and far between and not in my league. I hope he has fun picking scraps from garbage cans. In the end, one truth remains: he is well past his prime. I used up all his good years. Now he is on the decline. In sex drive. In sexual skills. He is just... getting.... old. And his delusions are catching up with him quicker than he thinks. So, good luck to whoever gets his leftovers. 😉 

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I rest in the knowledge that IF he succeeds from now on, it will be few and far between and not in my league. I hope he has fun picking scraps from garbage cans.

Once your over your anger, you should try to change this mindset. I think this is the kind of thinking that has kept you stuck in this situation for such a long time. You probably won't be able to see that now, but down the line it will be easier. Just stay strong and don't get roped back in.

[pattycee]

Hi Jibralta. Thanks for commenting. But can you expand? What do you mean that is the type of thinking that has kept me stuck in this situation for a long time? I speak the truth here! LOL

[boltnrun]

Your belief that you were the best he ever had and that he won't find better has you believing he'll be back because of that.  He will be back, but it's only because he can manipulate you so easily.

Once you decide you don't want him anymore (and actually mean it) you'll realize everything about him was and is a lie. And you won't need to believe falsehoods anymore because you truly won't care.

[pattycee]

Well said Boltnrun. Thank you. I totally agree. 

[East4]

Patty, one day this experience will be just history. You will be asking yourself what you have seen in this man, and you will be shaking your head. I know now you are angry and upset, perhaps you want a revenge. The best revenge would be live well, pamper yourself, move on with your head held high. 

[pattycee]

Yes, East4. I think you're right. But he will be back. And I am looking forward to being the one with the power this time. 😉 

[boltnrun]

I had convinced myself I was madly in love with my ex and did all sorts of things to please him. I told myself he would be nuts to leave me because I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had, his family loved me, his friends liked me and I was a positive addition to his life. And people thought more highly of him when he was with me.

But he cheated and then dumped me anyway. And at first I was devastated.  I wanted him back so badly even though I knew he lied and cheated. His family and friends were sure he'd be back because the woman he dumped me for was not a quality individual.  

He was willing to cheat on her with me but he wasn't coming back for a real relationship with me. And at first I was heartbroken. But then, as time went on, I stopped wanting him. I stopped caring what he thought of me and I stopped trying to convince myself I was a better choice for him. I stopped caring period.

When he tried to see me after that realization I told him no. And told him no again and again. I did not and do not want him. I don't love him and I don't care if he loves me or loves his girlfriend.  He is out of my life. And I am better off for it.

As long as you believe you were the best and he can't find better, it means you still want him. I promise once you decide to stay away from him permanently and choose to remove him from your life you'll stop needing to believe you were the best because you WILL NOT CARE. And you won care about "power" either. Power is completely unimportant anyway...it only matters if you think you still love him and that he loves you.