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  1. I loved him. Despite his faults, I loved him. I loved him in the real sense of the word. Unconditionally. And in the end, by allowing myself to love that deeply, I was hurt deeply because he was not the right man for me. I will be more careful next time about giving my heart to any man.
  2. Jibralta, he honestly wasn't that great at sex. I want to be honest here since I have been so open with everything I have shared so far. I needed his validation more than anything. I actually faked a lot of O's. The real ones he gave me were few in 8 years. I did it to hold onto him; to make him feel like he was better than he was so he would not leave me. If he was not able to please me sexually, then I was sure he would leave me and find someone else. He really did not know where to find the female pleasure point if you know what I mean. It was hit and miss. He hated it if I tried to guide h
  3. My son is the only joy I have in my life right now. I am not alone. I do plan to continue focusing on my son. He does deserve my love and care and focus more than anyone on earth.
  4. I do have a good idea Boltnrun. He is an older man with asthma. He is very selfish and very concerned about his health and living as long as he can. There is no way he would ever risk his life with Covid-19 to have meaningless sex. He is in the high risk group. Canadians have been issued a travel warning that Panama is a high risk for Covid 19. And it is. Just because he is in a mountain town does not mean the risk is gone. They have rules and restrictions and must wear masks everywhere. So, I think the chances of him prowling around for the foreseeable future are very slim. Also, he went
  5. He fed off my passion. He was not necessarily good in bed all by himself. If it wasn't for my enthusiasm, energy, curiosity and openness etc., he would have been nothing. Surely not every woman is good in bed. I think I know now. He took away my crutch and my drug of choice which kept me hooked, distracted and afloat all these years. Happily in a fantasy land where I was away from my problems. Sex was the BAND AID. And he ripped it right off. And now I have nothing to distract, or make me feel good. Just emptiness and being stuck in these 4 walls with my depression and anxiety.
  6. Hi Hollyj, I won't be contacting him again. No need to block him. I have chosen to move forward. I have gained so much clarity from all of you.
  7. Thank you Boltnrun and thank you reinventmyself for everything. I will take all your advice. Wise words from everyone here. I never expected to get so much support from people I don't know. But you have all made a difference and for that I am so grateful.
  8. Agreed reinventmyself. The victim mentality only keeps me going in endless circles with no epiphanies or resolutions. I know why I allowed it. Now I am going to need time, space and therapy in order to get through it. And hoping for a better future. I have always had a man. And I have never been alone. I think maybe I need that time alone for awhile.
  9. Very eye opening Boltnrun. Thank you for sharing so much of your own story. It was extremely enlightening. So many truths written by you. I think it is part of my journey of grief. Eventually I will no longer care. I wish that day was today for the pain is far too great. I wish that day was tomorrow but sadly no end in sight for me. I guess my wanting power over him for a change is taking my revenge on him for all the years of control he exerted over me. I know I allowed it but he loved the role of puppet master. Maybe I feel this way right now because I am so angry and hurt. But I know someda
  10. Yes, East4. I think you're right. But he will be back. And I am looking forward to being the one with the power this time. 😉
  11. Hi Jibralta. Thanks for commenting. But can you expand? What do you mean that is the type of thinking that has kept me stuck in this situation for a long time? I speak the truth here! LOL
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