my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, pattycee said:

I understand and own my part in this Hollyj. It does not make him any less of a sub human. I guess I am more angry with myself for allowing him to do this to me for all these years. And I truly feel bad for his wife. I do need therapy because I allowed it to happen and continue for so long. 

He did nothing to you,  you were an active participant .  Once you understand your responsibility -not see yourself as a victim- you will Move on.  
 

get some therapy! 

[SherrySher]

It's like seeing a snake and repeatedly holding your hand out to the snake to bite.

The snake is a snake...it's always going to be a snake, it always was a snake.

But why did you keep running towards the snake? Why did you keep wishing it back? Keep holding your hand back out for it to bite?

See what we're saying?

Until you change your focus and start asking yourself hard questions and why you made the life choices YOU did....things won't get better, nor will the pain lesson.

It's about being accountable for your own life and your own life choices that lead you to where you now are.

 

[pattycee]

I think it is because I feel so empty.

[Hollyj]

Just now, pattycee said:

I think it is because I feel so empty.

Your affair added to it!  You knew there was no future with this clown.  You choose someone who was unavailable.  Time to understand why.

[LootieTootie]

Thank you, Patty. You are finally admitting what could be wrong with your thought process in having an affair. 

Most people who go for unavailable partners are empty inside and they want what others have. They are trying to fill a void. 

You need to figure out what that void is and also see that the only person who can fulfill that void inside you is YOU.

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I think it is because I feel so empty.

This is why I am asking you to please seek out help, today if you can.

Phone or email for an appointment or let someone know you need help.

But please do it today. You don't need to be suffering it out like this. 

[pattycee]

And the emptiness and depth of my pain is compounded by the fact that he could just erase me from existence while moving onto something new and exciting. While I lay here bleeding, after he slit my throat. 

[pattycee]

SherrySher, I will seek help. I am already researching therapists online.

[Seraphim]

His good deeds don’t outweigh his atrocious behaviour. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is a duck . 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, pattycee said:

And the emptiness and depth of my pain is compounded by the fact that he could just erase me from existence while moving onto something new and exciting. While I lay here bleeding, after he slit my throat. 

I imagine his wife feels the same. I would have hung him out to dry . 

[SherrySher]

7 minutes ago, pattycee said:

While I lay here bleeding, after he slit my throat. 

Patty, you handed him the knife.

But you know what? You no longer have to be in that bad place. You can finally break free from it.

You can take back your power. Be the one in control of your own happiness and not keep allowing him to dictate it for you.

You don't have to remain in this pain.

You can heal, you can resolve all of the issues that have brought you to this place and heal yourself.

You can get better. This was only a chapter in your life, but it's not the whole book.

You can have a much happier future, but only YOU can give that to yourself.

[SherrySher]

Me, Seraphim, Holly, Miss Canuck, Lootie Tootie, etc...have all been trying to help you.

You're not alone.

We want you to have better.

I hope you do too.

[pattycee]

You are right SherrySher. 

But I keep picturing him doing all the things he did with me sexually with another woman and it is torture. 😞 I will venture a bet to say she is not like me and he had to settle for less.

How could he even touch somebody else after being with me for 8 years? I can't do that. I would not be able to physically have sex with another man if he walked into my living room right now. How does HE do it? How CAN he do it? I can't imagine going through life that way.

It HURTS because I felt connected and bonded to this man because of sex. Oh no, I am crying now... most of us women bond that way. I am no different. I cannot have casual sex with any man. It does nothing for me. Maybe I am weird? I don't know.

It hurts when you think you have been replaced. I understand that his wife went through the same thing. And I feel bad for her. We have both been enabling this man. He is good at control and manipulation and puts on the charming face when he wants to. But he is also mean, selfish and abusive. He truly is Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde. I have had a front row seat to his psychological issues for almost 8 years. We got together in June 2013. I saw a man who loved me as long as I adored him and boosted his ego. As long as he got things his way. When I started asking for more or when I wanted more, he would do all he could to put me back in my place, including walking out on me or threatening to walk out. He used many abusive tactics on me over the years. I saw what he did and still accepted it. I believe now it was a trauma bond with this man. I have researched it and it is obvious that is what happened. Trauma bonds are hard to kick. But I hope with therapy, I can move past it. Right now life goes on around me and yet I am stuck in this lonely bubble all on my own. I feel incapacitated at the moment. I am stuck. I cannot go out. We are under lockdown here. I have been inside for 11 days and counting. It is maddening. I am here with my pain. It seems to be my only friend these days. I have reached out to family/friends but they do not want me crying on their shoulder all the time. Their support has a limit. So, I am left suffering in silence. My family was never supportive of me. Even when my son was diagnosed with autism. They were never there for us. I felt even more alone.

I looked for support in this man. I think I needed him. He was a rock to me. He made me feel stable somehow. I know it is crazy. But I have always gravitated to older men as a father figure. I was very close to my dad. I was his first. And a well known fact, I was his favourite. He died in 2018 and it shattered me. I held his hand as he passed away and that moment will live me inside me for the rest of my life. I don't think I am the same person now because of it. Then I had skin cancer and had to get surgery during Covid. It was a nightmare. I then had to find a new place and move during Covid. I only had 1.5 months to get it all done. Then my uncle died. Then this past summer my other uncle died from Covid. I have had a lot of loss and hard things to deal with. Through it all, this man has been the constant. I really leaned on him. He helped me so much. He always promised to be there for me and take care of me. And now, I am here abandoned. He did the very thing he promised he would never do. 

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Your son needs you to be a strong mother to him. Focus on him instead of lamenting the loss of your affair.

[SherrySher]

Do you think you were trying to recreate the closeness you had with your dad? Set the sex aside, maybe you sought this man out because he was older, brought you false sense of security, had you believing you'd be taken care of in the same way your dad took care of you.

And inevitably, you now face loss again and go back to mourning what you're missing most....your father.

If you were close to your dad like that, then he was your safety net, your shelter from the storm.

He made you feel loved, safe.

You mistakenly thought you were going to find that again, in this man. Unfortunately, this man has brought you nothing but heartache, pain, disappointment.

You are feeling abandoned. He was the very wrong choice, and I am sorry that you fooled yourself into believing that this man could give you anything like what you needed/wanted.

A few things to keep in mind when you do receive therapy:

1.) Fear of abandonment

2.) Unhealthy attachment due to not healing from past pain

3.) Anxiety, low self esteem, low self confidence.

4.) Trust issues

Those are some things you need to address. Everyone has issues. But in order to heal, you must see what is the root causes of your problems, and they start inside of you.

I hear your pain, Patty. I can tell you've been through a lot. No doubt you feel like a ship in a storm who's been tossed around, desperately looking for someone or something to attach herself to.

We've all felt that way at some point.

But to actually heal and to get back to happiness, you won't find it in a man, or alcohol, or sex or any other kind of addiction....you will only find it inside of you.

Being alone isn't a prison sentence, it can be exactly what you've needed for a long time to actually heal.

You've been avoiding yourself and your own feelings for far too long now.

Once you finally "face yourself", so to speak you will start healing. Find your own strength, be comfortable being alone. Find our own happiness.

Once you do that, you won't ever have to rely on anyone for those things, ever again.

Your days of being addicted to someone so toxic, will be gone for good.

You will be able to stand on your own two feet again and finally know what it feels like to feel happy within yourself.

 

[SherrySher]

I also wanted to quickly mention too, that it sounds like you've held a lot of pain inside for a long time now and still need to let that out, for someone to hear you.

There is a journal section on this site and it could be helpful to you.

You can write out all the things you have been holding inside. Have people comment on what you write about, or not....it's up to you.

But it could be part of your healing.

[pattycee]

Awww thank you SherrySher. You are a kind, wise and good hearted lady. I want you to know that you have helped me more than you can know. 

[Seraphim]

Do you think you are placing an inordinate amount of importance on sex? Because all I keep hearing about is the sex the sex the sex and not much else. 

[East4]

When Patty started the affair with zumba man, it was June 2013, her father was alive and for the next 5 years (passed away in 2018). So, I am not sure she was looking for a replacement father figure, because her father was still there for her. BTW, Patty, how did your father react when you told him that you were seeing a married man? I guess, you didn't hide your relationship from your family for all these years?

[pattycee]

Hi East4. I told my family. They knew from the start. The only one who did not know was my dad. My dad found out about my relationship with this man about a year before he died. I obviously felt he would not be happy with my choice. I told him about my "boyfriend" after a family dinner. He had an idea by then but I never came out and had a talk with him about it before that. I praised my boyfriend and said how good of a man he was. And that he was good to me. I told my dad he was actually a GOOD MAN. My dad was not happy that I was seeing a married man. My dad said my bf had too many ties elsewhere and too many commitments. My dad was not the type to cut me off and give me ultimatums. He quietly accepted my choice although he was disappointed and told me I should reconsider. That this man is in no position to provide me with a future. But of course I knew more than my dad who had lived 86 years. My dad lived the rest of his life concerned about me but I reassured him I was in good hands. When my boyfriend went down to Florida with his wife to visit his mom in spring 2018, I took a greyhound bus all the way down there to meet him in Fort Lauderdale. I went from my city in Ontario to Niagara Falls to Buffalo and then all the way down to Florida. It was quite the journey. All by myself. I had never gone anywhere alone. But the plan was to meet him and drive all the way back to Canada (we had about 10 days). His wife went on a cruise with his mother and he said he would just drive home. He set it up this way to spend time with me. I used to love our road trips. He took me to Graceland, the White House, The Grand Ole Opry the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the 9/11 crash monuments, and the Civil War battlefields. We were going to go on my very first cruise someday. I had looked forward to that. He has been on so many. It would have been my very first experience. 

When I arrived at the Greyhound bus station in Florida, my bf was waiting for me. I remember he had on this Hawaiian shirt. The one I loved. I told everyone on the bus I was meeting my boyfriend and how happy I was. I touched up my make up and made sure I looked perfect. He was SO EXCITED to see me. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw me get off the bus. He was SO HAPPY to see me. It was as if nobody in the world existed at that moment when we came together. It truly was like a Hollywood movie. He swept me in his arms. And we kissed. It was the most beautiful, most passionate kiss I have ever experienced. So beautiful in fact that a man walking by who watched us being so immersed in each other said... "Now, that's love."

To say good bye that all of that is painful. Saying goodbye to what could have been. If only he was a different kind of a man who could appreciate what he had. I was special. He won't find me again.

I guess maybe I have always been a daydream believer. 😞

[pattycee]

Hi Seraphim, maybe I did place a lot of importance on sex. But I was pretty sheltered and not very experienced sexually when I met him. I was only with my husband and my husband had sexual issues which prevented me from exploring my sexuality fully. I felt I was missing out on a lot and had not done a lot. I am not like most women who by 45 had their fill of sex and had many other partners to maybe become more desensitized to sex or a little more jaded? I was not. I was like a teenager who was experiencing her first boyfriend and very excited and curious to go on this ride and sexual journey. It was all backwards for me. It was my coming of age with my married boyfriend. Instead of doing this at 18 or 20, I did this at 45. So, for me sex is still rather new at my age. And I still feel I am only just beginning.

[pattycee]

I meant to mention that when I took that trip on the greyhound my poor dad was beside himself with worry. My mom told me he didn't sleep at night. Paced the house worrying about me being all alone travelling across a foreign country. I had never done anything like that before. But I felt I needed to assert my independence and I am glad I did it. But most especially knowing my boyfriend would be waiting for me really drove me to make the trip. I feel bad today that I put my dad through all that worry. He was just feeling protective. But I called to check in to let my parents know I was okay. He died 5 months after I made that trip. 😞

[boltnrun]

Arghhh, he was not your "boyfriend"!  A married man can't be a boyfriend to anyone.

I fear for you, I really do.  Because I am not sure you even would want to resist him when he comes back wanting to use you for his own selfish reasons.  I fear you will think you "won" and will welcome him back with open arms.

What do you think about my suggestion that you focus on your son instead of longing for this terrible man?  I know your son loves you very much.

[Seraphim]

52 minutes ago, pattycee said:

Hi Seraphim, maybe I did place a lot of importance on sex. But I was pretty sheltered and not very experienced sexually when I met him. I was only with my husband and my husband had sexual issues which prevented me from exploring my sexuality fully. I felt I was missing out on a lot and had not done a lot. I am not like most women who by 45 had their fill of sex and had many other partners to maybe become more desensitized to sex or a little more jaded? I was not. I was like a teenager who was experiencing her first boyfriend and very excited and curious to go on this ride and sexual journey. It was all backwards for me. It was my coming of age with my married boyfriend. Instead of doing this at 18 or 20, I did this at 45. So, for me sex is still rather new at my age. And I still feel I am only just beginning.

I never had tons of partners either. I have been with my husband since I was 22. Before that none of my experiences were consensual. ( I was raped as a child and teen)

[pattycee]

Boltnrun, I do focus on my son. He is the light of my life. My married bf actually asked me to go to Panama with him in the future. He wanted me to go for anywhere from one month to 3, and was hoping to keep me there for 6 in the distant future. My son is only 15 and he needs me. At some point he will need to go into an assisted living residence, as his dad and I will not live forever. But my bf was pushing me to put him into a home by his 18th birthday so that I will not have the responsibility of him while I go away with him. He said it is best for my son to be on his own and that I cling to him too much and smother him, and am too attached to him. Well, DUH. I am his mother! And that is just how it is. He said the people at the home will take care of him while I am away and he will be just fine without me. But I did not agree. I actually fought him on that one. I told him if it comes down to making a choice between him and my son, it will be my son every single time. He just seemed selfish to want me to leave my son behind for months. He said he is an adult at 18 and should be learning to be independent by then and I should have my own life, that I have cared for him for all these years, and need to let him grow up. I was really not comfortable with that at all. I honestly do not think I am capable of leaving my child behind for months at a time. 

And it is tough. I do realize it. I have had this crazy, intense bond with this man for all these years. It really is scary how bonded I have been. To my own detriment. You are right, it will be hard to resist him.

Seraphim, I am very sorry that happened to you. 😞 I hope you have had some help getting through it. And I am glad you found happiness with your husband. Life sure isn't easy.