my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[East4]

You have always had the power. Use it to move away from this mess and start anew. No need to squander your power in evening the score, because this will only keep you attached to the situation. 

Vengeance is a delicate business, this is why it is best left to God.

"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19).

[pattycee]

Very eye opening Boltnrun. Thank you for sharing so much of your own story. It was extremely enlightening. So many truths written by you. I think it is part of my journey of grief. Eventually I will no longer care. I wish that day was today for the pain is far too great. I wish that day was tomorrow but sadly no end in sight for me. I guess my wanting power over him for a change is taking my revenge on him for all the years of control he exerted over me. I know I allowed it but he loved the role of puppet master. Maybe I feel this way right now because I am so angry and hurt. But I know someday when I release him from my heart, I will no longer care. Just like you. 

[reinventmyself]

6 hours ago, pattycee said:

And the emptiness and depth of my pain is compounded by the fact that he could just erase me from existence while moving onto something new and exciting. While I lay here bleeding, after he slit my throat. 

NO . .you lay there alone because you made a daily, risky decision to gamble and attach yourself to a man who was married to someone else.  Why?

Figure out what it is about you that didn't believe you deserved better than being some mans secret side piece.

How come you didn't hold out for a man of your very own?  Don't you believe you deserve it?

It may not seem like it in the moment but the things that will bring you peace is asking yourself some hard questions, stop obsessing and blaming him.  No one made you do it.  He may have whispered sweet things but out of the other side of his mouth he was lying to his wife.  He was showing his moral code of conduct.  He wasn't to be trusted, but you forged forward anyway. . for 8 years!

Being a victim keeps you stuck.  Addressing your part in this is the only thing you have control of and the only thing you can change.

[pattycee]

I always did have the power, didn't I East4? I just didn't know it. 

[pattycee]

Agreed reinventmyself. The victim mentality only keeps me going in endless circles with no epiphanies or resolutions. I know why I allowed it. Now I am going to need time, space and therapy in order to get through it. And hoping for a better future. I have always had a man. And I have never been alone. I think maybe I need that time alone for awhile. 

[boltnrun]

You're not "alone" just like I was not alone. You have your son and I have my kids.

[reinventmyself]

1 minute ago, pattycee said:

Agreed reinventmyself. The victim mentality only keeps me going in endless circles with no epiphanies or resolutions. I know why I allowed it. Now I am going to need time, space and therapy in order to get through it. And hoping for a better future. I have always had a man. And I have never been alone. I think maybe I need that time alone for awhile. 

spend some time alone.  It will be the best investment in yourself.  You mentioned being empty earlier.   You continue dating and trying to fill that empty void, you won't make good choices.  

Get comfortable with yourself.  Cultivate friendships, hobbies, spend time with family.  Therapy. Don't date until you have filled that void with other things in your life.  You will be more selective and make better choices when you do decide to date again.

[reinventmyself]

When and if approached by a man who is already in a relationship, or similar. . .my response.

"I don't share well" 

 . . and I don't look back

 

 

[pattycee]

Thank you Boltnrun and thank you reinventmyself for everything. I will take all your advice. Wise words from everyone here. I never expected to get so much support from people I don't know. But you have all made a difference and for that I am so grateful. 

[Rose Mosse]

Keep writing here and avoid speaking or texting this person. There's life after all of this. You have to be willing to see that your life is more than what has happened in the past. Onwards.

[pattycee]

Thank you Rose Mosse. 😉 Virtual hug.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, pattycee said:

Thank you Rose Mosse. 😉 Virtual hug.

Hugs 🥰

[SherrySher]

8 hours ago, East4 said:

When Patty started the affair with zumba man, it was June 2013, her father was alive and for the next 5 years (passed away in 2018). So, I am not sure she was looking for a replacement father figure, because her father was still there for her. BTW, Patty, how did your father react when you told him that you were seeing a married man? I guess, you didn't hide your relationship from your family for all these years?

Even if her father was still alive, a person might still want to re-create the familiarity with someone she felt was similar. This older man with whom she thought she would find happiness and security, acceptance, love, etc. sounds like he was chosen because he seemed closer to what she might have had with her dad.

I mean, it's a very typical scenario, if women are close to their dads, they might want to find a man with similar qualities.

I was just suggesting that this might be one of the reasons why OP is choosing older men.

The sad part is though, older does not mean better. This man in particular proves that age has no bearing on how terrible someone can behave and treat someone else.

 

[Tinydance]

Just skim read everything! I don't know what's really going on here Patty and I guess this guy was a master manipulator but you also don't sound that mature or wise, especially for your age. You had SO MUCH evidence that this guy is a horrible person and you literally just chose to ignore it. You were in a massive denial. Spending eight years on him and calling him your boyfriend, when he's actually not even single, he was married the whole time. 

He's "SO HAPPY" to see you but yet in 8 years he never actually left the wife and started a real relationship with you? If he loved you wouldn't he divorce the wife? He only left the wife when she found out and kicked him out probably. He tried living with you but he was clearly not actually into it. He was angry, moody, fighting with you. He only lasted six weeks living with you. If he really loved you then why was he so resentful and he just left and went back to the wife? I think for eight years you really didn't want to face the reality is that the wife is his number one and you were always a sloppy second. Honestly I just don't understand how a woman in her 40's couldn't and seemingly still doesn't see all this.

He told you to put your son in a residential facility faster because he doesn't want your special needs son around cramping your style. It's not because he really wants to start something special with you in Panama but because he just wants all the attention on himself and doesn't want you taking care of your son around him. You said a few times he bonded with your son a lot. Really??! I wouldn't say trying to get rid of your son and put him in an institution of sorts is bonding. 

I think you really need to take off those rose coloured glasses and see the reality. I honestly think it would help you to move on. And don't keep playing a helpless victim and say it was all this guy's doing. There are two people in an affair, he couldn't have done it on his own. By playing the victim you're taking the power away from yourself. You need to take responsibility for your actions and realise that you are in control of your own life and your decisions and actions. So next time if any sleaze bag goes after you, you have the power in your hands to stop it. Don't act like you were just a passive puppet in all this because you actually weren't.

[Hollyj]

Have you blocked him?

[pattycee]

Hi Tinydance, you are right. I was a fool. I am paying for it now.

[pattycee]

Hi Hollyj, I won't be contacting him again. No need to block him. I have chosen to move forward. I have gained so much clarity from all of you.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, pattycee said:

Hi Hollyj, I won't be contacting him again. No need to block him. I have chosen to move forward. I have gained so much clarity from all of you.

Not true. You will be sucked right back if he ever reaches out to you, though. You are doing yourself a major disservice by keeping any avenue of contact open. It is obvious here the way you talk about him and paint yourself as the victim that you would crack immediately and respond to him; you're extraordinarily fragile and emotionally-dependent on him to a very unhealthy degree. 

Time to get tough on yourself, Patty, if you're serious about moving forward. Block this clown. Remember that it's not flattering to be "chosen" by a married man. It's actually the opposite. 

And please seek out the support of a good therapist. It would benefit you tremendously to get to the bottom of why you did this to yourself. 

[Hollyj]

You have not.  You must block and delete all of his contact info.  The only reason not to block, is in the hope that he will reach out.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, pattycee said:

Hi Jibralta. Thanks for commenting. But can you expand? What do you mean that is the type of thinking that has kept me stuck in this situation for a long time? I speak the truth here! LOL

I know you do. You've been stuck in this situation because that self image is so important to you...He helped you feel that way because he was good in bed.

Your need to see yourself as a sex goddess has positioned you in an imaginary competition against The Rest of Womanhood in the Sex Performance Arena and has stationed your ex as judge, jury and prize. He is the proof of your prowess.

But he's a total wanker. He's a dead weight loser. He's no prize. He's just good in bed, good at making you feel good. And it's not a competition, anyway. It's your life.

You've prioritized good sex over good people, bottom line.

Get over it, because he's never going to stop being good in bed. That's what he is and what he does. It doesn't matter who he sleeps with.

Some other woman will find him and then she will have good sex with him. He'll make her feel like a goddess. And then she will have a pile of problems. 

If I were you, I'd train myself to be more sympathetic towards the next woman instead of competitive. She is you. 

[pattycee]

He fed off my passion. He was not necessarily good in bed all by himself. If it wasn't for my enthusiasm, energy, curiosity and openness etc., he would have been nothing. Surely not every woman is good in bed.

I think I know now. He took away my crutch and my drug of choice which kept me hooked, distracted and afloat all these years. Happily in a fantasy land where I was away from my problems.

Sex was the BAND AID. And he ripped it right off. And now I have nothing to distract, or make me feel good. Just emptiness and being stuck in these 4 walls with my depression and anxiety.

Sex was my escape. It was fun. It felt good. I felt good. And now it is back to emptiness. 😞 

I often feel I will NEVER find a man like him who I was that compatible with sexually. Where will I ever find that again? Sex IS important to me and it is important in a relationship. I know a good person is first but he and I had fireworks. And as a woman who has only had 2 partners, I fear I will never have that sexual experience ever again. 

Also, he went back to Panama to his wife. Not other women.

[Seraphim]

Just remember it is not the end all and be all and their are passionate people all over. 

[Lambert]

8 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He fed off my passion. He was not necessarily good in bed all by himself. If it wasn't for my enthusiasm, energy, curiosity and openness etc., he would have been nothing. Surely not every woman is good in bed.

I think I know now. He took away my crutch and my drug of choice which kept me hooked, distracted and afloat all these years. Happily in a fantasy land where I was away from my problems.

Sex was the BAND AID. And he ripped it right off. And now I have nothing to distract, or make me feel good. Just emptiness and being stuck in these 4 walls with my depression and anxiety.

Sex was my escape. It was fun. It felt good. I felt good. And now it is back to emptiness. 😞 

I often feel I will NEVER find a man like him who I was that compatible with sexually. Where will I ever find that again? Sex IS important to me and it is important in a relationship. I know a good person is first but he and I had fireworks. And as a woman who has only had 2 partners, I fear I will never have that sexual experience ever again. 

Also, he went back to Panama to his wife. Not other women.

Maybe you have sex addiction.

Sex is very important. It is a human need.  It has many health benefits.  I'm not arguing you shouldn't love it and need it.  However, when it is used to fill a void within, to excuse yourself to act in an immoral manner, to need it so badly, you allow yourself to be abused in other ways. You've gotato wonder if there is bigger issue here. 

And as you said above, you've had 2 partners. How could you possibly know you wouldn't find better? All you really know is, you preferred it over your first partner, it felt really good and you were satisfied. But this is all in relation to your first partner. 

And how were you so compatible, when you were so clearly betraying yourself?

[boltnrun]

You have no idea at all if there are other women in Panama.  

You have this insatiable need to believe you were his best and only because you still want to be with him.

Look, you aren't required to be honest with us.  But at least be honest with yourself. You won't block him because you are waiting for him to contact you so you can be with him again.  That is the truth, despite what you're telling us.  That's why you keep insisting you were the BEST!  Because you want to believe he's coming back to you.

He most likely is coming back to use you again.  And you're eagerly waiting for him and will leap on the chance to have some small part of him.  You'll tell yourself he came back because you are the BEST.  

It's so sad to read how completely obsessed you are with this horrible man.  Where in all this obsession is there room for self-love?  And time for your son?  My kids were such a comfort to me when I was sad over the awful man I was seeing.  I never felt "alone" because I had them.  Can you view your son the same way, as the one who truly deserves your love and care and your focus?

[pattycee]

I do have a good idea Boltnrun. He is an older man with asthma. He is very selfish and very concerned about his health and living as long as he can. There is no way he would ever risk his life with Covid-19 to have meaningless sex. He is in the high risk group. Canadians have been issued a travel warning that Panama is a high risk for Covid 19. And it is. Just because he is in a mountain town does not mean the risk is gone. They have rules and restrictions and must wear masks everywhere. So, I think the chances of him prowling around for the foreseeable future are very slim.

Also, he went back to work things out with his wife. He left me last September when they booked a trip to Panama, trying to cut off all contact and trying to work on his marriage back then. He did not succeed. He kept holding onto me. I think this time he is going to try harder to work it out with his wife and this meant letting me go completely. But I KNOW what kind of a man he is. SELFISH. When he gets lonely, bored or horny, he will most likely message me and tell me a bunch of bull**** to re-hook me. I don't know for sure if he will but I will bet my money on it based on his past behaviour and how well I know him. Before he left, he actually told me he would f*** me in a minute. What an odd thing to say when you are leaving a woman??? 

No, I will not go back to him. I am on my own journey and healing process now. I am still grieving and crying everyday, trying to work through all these terrible, debilitating emotions. It is hell on earth. I am sure many people here can empathize. I feel like I am in withdrawal from a drug. It is a horrible place to be. I am currently seeking therapists online. There are many choices here and I am trying to figure out which one would be best qualified to handle my complex situation.