my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(

[pattycee]

Hi Tinydance, thank you for your comments. I appreciate your honesty. I was in great shape and caught his eye because of my looks initially. But I do have so much more going for me. Eventually he began to see my other qualities. He was just an expert manipulator and said everything I wanted to hear. And I let him get away with the manipulation. I guess I just did not want to lose the fantasy and the man I built him up to be in my own mind. I think that is an important distinction to make. I fooled myself, he did not fool me. It was a whirlwind and I was absolutely infatuated with him. I had been sexless for a long time (and not much sexual experience: only with my husband before him) when I met him. I was very low in confidence and it was as if I had something to prove. My sexual prowess with him was absolute elation and the more I made him feel like a man, the higher I got. It was truly a HIGH. And it was dangerously addictive. I began to crave his sexual approval and it seemed I had to strive for better. I did not sow my wild oats like women might do these days. He was my mentor and many of the things I did with him I had never done before. He made it safe for me to explore. I lived a very sheltered life. My parents sent me to an all girls Catholic high school and told me sex was bad and to wait until I was married. So, I was pretty repressed and was ready to explore and experiment. These are things I did not do with my husband. I am sure this is getting into TMI territory but just giving you a more in depth analysis of why I might have done what I did. It was not my dream as a little girl to wake up and become a married man's mistress. In fact, I turned down any and all married men who had the audacity to proposition me. Until this man. It was like the attraction took on a life of its own and became unstoppable. I was very aggressive with him. Although he was the one to start it, I continued it until he responded. Dance is very sexy, especially Latin dance and we just got lost in the moment of it all. And today, I am not proud of myself. I actually hate myself for what I did. I guess it was a sexual exploration for me, which I had never had before that. And he was glad to be the recipient of my sexual reawakening. In fact, he was thrilled. I think he filled holes inside me and in my life. I was also in a bad place at the time because I was still managing my son's autism and that was difficult, feeling lonely and full of grief, and the Zumba helped me gain confidence in myself and I felt happier than I had been in a long time. He tapped into my vulnerability. I am sure most women would have told him to take a hike first, because he is married and second, because they are more experienced than I am and yes, likely more self confident. I was not. Obviously, I could not have been to involve myself with a married man. But I think all my issues created the perfect storm and then I was trapped in his net. The trauma bond was formed and continued to be reinforced over 8 years. I logically knew this man was mean and not right for me. I knew he was cruel and treated me with disrespect. I knew he was a narcissist and a self absorbed, self centered inhumane person who was incapable of love. I just knew he had no heart or empathy. It was as if I set off on a mission to change him. To be the one who would save him from himself. I misguidedly believed I would be the one. THE ONE. To finally get this man to become a better man. I thought maybe he might love me enough to want to step up to the plate and to become a better man. I went the distance as he admitted he may have narcissistic tendencies and is considering therapy. But I do not think he will get it. I think he will continue being the self absorbed cheater he always was. I feel sorry for him. I actually loved him enough to go this far. To destroy myself trying to save him. But I could not get through. He discarded me. And is now in Panama. I don't know if he will contact me again. So far he hasn't. But I would not be surprised that he could when his other sources of supply do not match me. But I disarmed him. I knew the man behind the mask. I knew the insecure, bitter old man. I knew. He wanted a puppet, not a challenge. And I no longer saw him through my adoring eyes where he lived on a pedestal in my heart and mind. He knew I no longer saw him as my hero. I saw his flaws and short comings. I saw he was a fake. He knew I got too close and could see the real man. Not the man he wanted to be. He tried really hard to keep me at arm's length not to get too close emotionally so that I would topple his flimsy house of cards. But I got close. And that man was a monster. A very bad person. A man who uses people. A man who does not want to change. And here I am, having wasted 8 years of my life. And now, I am broken and staring at 4 walls in a small condo, isolated during Covid, while he is off on a new adventure. In a warm climate. Meeting new people. Socializing. With me in the rear view. Like I never even mattered. Not even knowing how deep the level of damage he caused other human beings. As long as he is happy. That is all that counts. He committed to me. He met my family. He bonded with my son. That was a big deal. And then he deserted me. And love just vanishes into thin air.

[SherrySher]

You created your own pain....you know that, right?

This was never your man, he was always hers. He was always her husband. It was never going to be any different.

He has also proved to you time and time again that he will not only choose her, but that he cannot be trusted and he will lie and cheat to get his own way.

Why you ever thought it was going to be any different, I do not know.

 

I don't blame him, he's a cheater, he is a liar and he's a narcissist. He has made zero effort to hide it.

The blame comes back to you.

YOU are the one who chose to be with someone else's husband. YOU are the one who went with a man when you knew he was lying, cheating, etc.

YOU are the one who kept trying to force a situation that was really bad right from the start.

 

The desperation and self destruction honestly makes me wonder if you've got issues with being far too obsessive among other things like anxiety, etc.

What you should have done, and what you should be doing now, is going to get some mental health help asap.

This situation was always toxic. You chasing it constantly is a sign of your desperation, depression and unhealthiness. You need help with the issues you are dealing with. The last thing you needed, was to force a situation where there was never going to be a happy ending for anyone.

 

I also wonder why you have not once considered that the pain you are feeling, you created now in someone else. (his wife!). 

The pain you feel of him touching someone else, loving someone else, being involved with someone else, and wanting someone else...is the pain you caused for his wife.

Do you not feel any kind of remorse or guilt over how you've destroyed her life? How you've created low self esteem, low self worth, etc...in her?

You did that.

 

You chose to get involved with the man she loved, the man she married and the man she committed to.

I'm sorry, but you had no right.

Even now, you dismiss all the upset you caused for this woman.

What you need more than anything is therapy. To realize that you need help, but not in terms of any kind of romance or chasing a married man, but help in the form of admitting the issues you are dealing with. Seeing them for what they are, healing those issues, healing yourself, choosing to become more healthy mentally.

No one can do that for you, except, you.

 

Lastly, I do sincerely hope at some point you do heal enough that you will finally see that the choice you made, caused massive damage to someone else.

And that when you truly see this realization, that you have the remorse you should, care about someone else's pain, like you should have considered long time ago BEFORE you even went back to his class.

We as humans are in this world to bring good, not to create more pain. 

I really do hope you get better in all the ways you need to heal from.

[Capricorn3]

OP, have you considered therapy?

[pattycee]

SherrySher, thank you. I do feel remorse for what I did to his wife and for my part in causing her pain and suffering. When he called me to tell me he left her, I actually felt horrible. I was truly shocked he did it. I told him not to. Before he returned from Panama, I was talking to him and asking him to please leave me if he WAS NOT SERIOUS about me. I told him he could have all the conquests he can find but I am not interested in that kind of a man if he is not serious. I did at one time tell him to stay married. I did not want a man like him as a husband. I did not really want him to come back to me but a part of me did. I truly was torn. So, I guess I was also very messed up. Believe me. Because a big part of me did not want to enter into a serious relationship with a man like him. I always worried he was a good time Charlie without any depth or lasting power as a life partner. His wife I believe just put up with him because she had low confidence being 70 years old, older than him, and maybe feeling she could not find anyone else and resigned herself to stay after 30 years out of familiarity and convenience. He said she trusted him with her life. I found that hard to believe. 

I think the minute he left her is the minute I lost ALL respect for him. He told me before he went to Panama that he was going to wait for the right time to break the news. That they would be cramped in a tiny apartment without much to do (Covid is rampant in Panama too, with rules and restrictions in place) and at that point, he would tell her it is not working out and he wants to go home. It is funny how he used the same excuse to go back to Panama after spending six weeks in my tiny condo. Coincidence? 

I was not as excited when he returned because his value dropped in my eyes when he actually walked away from a woman who devoted 30 years of her life to him. AND then he walked away from me who devoted 8 years of my life to him. It proved just how selfish he really was and how his needs came first and how capable he is of HURTING everyone who loves him. The foundation of this relationship based on lies, deceit and the pain of others is not one that lasts or one you can build a future on. 

I actually felt dread about what was to come when he left her. I knew I was next. I just knew I was his next victim. After all the carnage, there he is in warm Panama. Getting what he wants. And I need to go into therapy. And he NEVER will when he needs to more than ANYONE. Life is unfair. I know I made my bed. I just wish I was in a healthier place back in 2013 when I met this man. All my defenses were down. And now I am paying dearly. It has cost me so much. I do live with anxiety and have had anxiety ever since getting involved with this man. 

[Seraphim]

I have an Autistic son as well. There is so much to celebrate in being Autistic, not despair. ❤️

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I just wish I was in a healthier place back in 2013 when I met this man. All my defenses were down. And now I am paying dearly. It has cost me so much. I do live with anxiety and have had anxiety ever since getting involved with this man. 

You can't change the past but you can make a better future.  Sure it sucks right now but you can also decide right now to heal yourself and do better. 

Your life. Your choices. Continue to suffer over what is done, he is gone and you're just living in the past.  Or decide to start over and improve yourself with professional help, become the better person you know you could be. 

[SherrySher]

OP, making excuses is not going to help you.

It does not matter what his wife will put up with. She is now mentally damaged due to you walking in and getting involved with her husband.

That was something you needed to consider the first time you ever thought he looked good and started having romantic thoughts.

If she decided to stay with him, despite his cheating ways, then yes, that's her cross to bear...but it was YOU who created a storm to which she is now trying to live with and find her way out of.

No doubt she loved(s) this man with all her heart, the pain you are feeling, she is feeling too.

He is never going to change....never.

The only time the pain will change and go away for you, is if you choose better and choose not to put yourself into those kinds of situations.

YOU chose this. 

Try to actually see it for what it is.

It's no different than seeing a car wreck miles and miles down the road, but jumping onboard just the same.

There was never going to be a happy ending for you. You need to ask yourself WHY you still chose to walk into this fire and once you know the why's....get help for them.

Low self esteem? Depression? Anxiety? Fear of abandonment? GET HELP. 

Because if you don't...it will be YOU who continues to suffer. YOU who continues to put yourself into toxic situations where the only outcome, will be more pain.

Save YOURSELF.

Even if this man chose you, even if he was with you right this second...you would have never know if he was cheating, when he was cheating or how long till he cheated again.

You see what I am saying? There was never a happy ending here.

That being said, heal the parts inside yourself that reached out for a toxic man like this. Fix whatever it is inside of you that is self destructive.

 

 

[pattycee]

Seraphim, absolutely! My son is now 15. He is non verbal and is the JOY and LIGHT of my life. We were just beginning our journey with autism back when the affair began. I was still in the initial phases of grief when the autism diagnosis hits you like a freight train. I was numb, in disbelief. I was mourning the loss of a normal life which all parents expect for their children. Once I was over the grief, we got him into therapy and started becoming the most supportive parents we could be. And we accepted that our path in life was going to be different and that our son needed us even more. I love my son with all my heart. Without him, my life would be meaningless. I thank God I have him. He is with me 4 days a week. He gives me hope and the strength to move forward. He is so full of joy and love. Despite living with autism, he is a happy young man. How BLESSED I am to have him. His smile is enough to give me purpose. Sometimes I cry in front of him and he hugs me. My ex bf actually bonded with him. He was kind to him and shopped for Christmas presents for him. He paid attention and played with him. My son LOVED him. Not only did my ex bf abandon me but he abandoned my SON. And it hurt even more. My son liked having him here. I could see the difference in him. Not just anyone can bond with an autistic child but somehow this narcissistic man did. How is it that he could be so kind to my son? When my son came back after spending time with his dad, after hanging up his coat the first thing he did was go into the kitchen and look for my ex who used to sit at the table. He wasn't there. It really was heart breaking. 

[pattycee]

Thank you Lambert for your compassion and empathy. You are right. In time, I will be back to being myself again. I know I will find a better partner for me and a better parental figure for my beautiful son. I want to get into therapy. I had one session so far which was free but I think it is pretty expensive and I don't know that I can afford it. I will start looking into it this week. 

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, pattycee said:

He wasn't there. It really was heart breaking.

Also a problem. DO NOT bring toxic people near your son. 

This man has very low morals. That is evident in how he carelessly lies, cheats, etc.

Don't bring someone like this near your child. 

You don't want your son to experience the pain of this man walking out? Then don't ever allow someone like this man to ever walk in.

Own your choices, Patty...it's the only way to heal.

[Seraphim]

Did you ever think he was using your son to get to you ? People like that don’t bond with anyone. If he didn’t bond with his own children he’s not looking to bond with yours he was looking to buy yours to get to your heart. 

[pattycee]

SherrySher, you are right. Lesson learned. The hard way. What I can do now is make sure it never happens again.

Seraphim, that is an interesting observation. I do not think he was looking to bond. That was not his goal. I think he just wanted to always be seen as the good guy, and he really wasn't. Good with kids always means good guy when it comes to women. Myself included. He also met my ex husband who dropped my son off and my ex husband is actually a good man. I think my narcissistic ex bf was actually intimidated by him. He saw the stark contrast between himself and what a good man really looks like. I could see right through him. He was definitely aware of the fact he was nothing like my ex husband. A decent human being. 

[Hollyj]

Instead of looking at his shortfalls, focus on why you would stay involved with a married man for 8 years.  You cannot control his actions, but you certainly can control yours.  You need to put yourself in his wife's shoes and try to figure out why all of this was okay for you.   You have some soul searching to do, as your  behavior was equally bad. 

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, pattycee said:

What I can do now is make sure it never happens again.

Again, ask yourself the why's. Why did you choose a train wreck? Loneliness? Depression? Low self esteem? Any or all of those means you need proper help in the way of a therapist.

Self destructive behavior is nothing new for people who are in pain.

They reach for a toxic person, a toxic situation, alcohol, drugs, whatever it is that is easy and available. But it's the wrong choice.

It only adds to the pain, it won't resolve it and it definitely won't fix it.

Quit your addiction today and start owing up to all the choices you made, so that you are accountable.

Once accountable, it will hopefully help you not make the same mistakes again.

It's easy to pass the buck, it's the wife's fault, it's his fault for being a snake, it's your ex's fault for making your feel low self esteem, etc.

But Patty, at the end of the day, you made the choice to go to this man and keep going to this man despite knowing it was bringing you false happiness, false sense of security, even lower self esteem, and more suffering.

Starting off toxic, is always going to be toxic.

Save yourself, get the proper help you need to heal and become not only stronger, but never put yourself (or your son!) into a situation like this again.

 

[Hollyj]

One last thing, if you were looking for a relationship it would not have been  with a married man.   You choose him as you knew that he would never let you in, as he was safe.   Until you deal with your trust issues, you will continue to pick unavailable men.  

Eight years of your life wasted!

[boltnrun]

I have a feeling if he showed up at your door you'd let him in.

You list all his faults yet you still love and want him. So you don't think his faults are all that bad or you wouldn't still want him to love you. You wouldn't still want to be with him.

You knew all along he was a garbage human and yet...there you were, chasing after him.

Do you know why you still want him despite everything he's done?

[pattycee]

Hollyj, I take full responsibility. I am responsible for my actions. Now I will have to find a way to move forward. And never to repeat them ever again. I do have trust issues. I thought they were as a result of not trusting a married man. I never really saw them as present before having a relationship with a married man. But that is something I will need to figure out. Yes, I somehow felt he was safe? How ironic as I was never able to find safety in his arms. Not even to this day. And yet that was all  I ever wanted. At least it was after I fell in love. SherrySher, yes, I agree. It is like I have been trying to punish myself. My behaviour has been absolutely self destructive. Maybe because of my son's autism? I sometimes wonder if I blame myself/feel guilty because of it and am hurting myself for it? These are things to explore with a therapist. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, pattycee said:

Hollyj, I take full responsibility. I am responsible for my actions. Now I will have to find a way to move forward. And never to repeat them ever again. I do have trust issues. I thought they were as a result of not trusting a married man. I never really saw them as present before having a relationship with a married man. But that is something I will need to figure out. Yes, I somehow felt he was safe? How ironic as I was never able to find safety in his arms. Not even to this day. And yet that was all  I ever wanted. At least it was after I fell in love. SherrySher, yes, I agree. It is like I have been trying to punish myself. My behaviour has been absolutely self destructive. Maybe because of my son's autism? I sometimes wonder if I blame myself/feel guilty because of it and am hurting myself for it? These are things to explore with a therapist. 

I would not blame your son being Autistic for that. I can understand being upset about a diagnosis I was too BUT, take away the “tragedy “ narrative of being Autistic as it isn’t a tragedy and there is no “ fault”. Autistic people are 1% of the human population and it is just another genotype. Totally natural occurring variation in humans. 

[pattycee]

Hi Boltnrun. How many of us have been on a diet and know we need to eat the salad but are tempted by the fattening, unhealthy chocolate cake? And we end up eating the cake and ditching the salad? But in real life, a steady diet of chocolate cake is not healthy for us in the long run. Obviously that is too simplistic an analogy. But it seems so many of us have chosen people who are not right for us. Many of us stay, despite knowing that person is all wrong for us. Many of us wake up and finally reach our breaking points and will not allow them to hurt us anymore. All these years I have asked myself the very same question you have just asked. Why would I choose to stay with a garbage human? I guess that would be a very complicated and difficult question to answer. Love is love. Addiction is addiction. A trauma bond is a trauma bond. Easy to jump into, and keep jumping into and hard to break. I think we all have our own thresholds for pain (mine appears to be higher than average) and we all decide in our own time when it is time to move on. Well meaning people can tell you what you already know but it must be you who makes that final decision. And sticks with it. I made the decision to leave him many times. You didn't know that. I just could not see it through. The thought of not having him in my life filled me with pain, stress and anxiety. All of the things I am going through now that he has forced me to go cold turkey. This man has been my rock for 8 years. It is more involved than I can ever describe here. But he was the one who was there for me when my dad died. He was very supportive and there for me. He was the one who was there for me when I had surgery during Covid for skin cancer. I was all alone and in a hospital during the pandemic. Having surgery. I did not know how bad it was. Turns out it was all fine. But I was terrified. He stayed up with me til 3 in the morning for weeks prior to the surgery because I was terrified.  He came to my place to bathe me, he made me soup. He changed my bandages. Bought me medications. He has done a lot of nice things for me over the years too. So, it would seem he was not a monster. But I just wonder if the things he did were out of the necessity to try to keep me rather than truly loving me and having any attachment or love to me. I have not mentioned all the nice things he has done for me. He is not a totally deviant human. I find that I have had a love/hate relationship with this man. Before we parted, he told me he would have sex with me in a minute. Odd thing to say considering he was going to board a plane to Panama the next day. I think he wanted to go to Panama over staying in cold Canada with me. We are locked down under house arrest mostly here. No end in sight. He hates the cold weather. He was so bored here. I think he wanted to get away. He was very selfish. He told me he wanted to have time away from me to think. He said I should not wait for him but that I will be okay on my own, without seeing other men. In fact, he recommended I stay by myself. He told me not to contact him. But he has not blocked me anywhere. He probably thinks I am going to contact him again and restart this toxic rollercoaster ride. I will not do that. I think the time I am spending in no contact is getting myself emotionally stable and in a place where I can see the situation logically and not emotionally. I am trying to build distance, to make myself stronger to resist him if he should try to come back after his efforts in Panama fail. I want to see objectively that he is no good. In the past, I led with my heart. I want to think with my mind this time. I am seeing things clearly now.

[pattycee]

The answer is he has done a lot of good things for me, enough to have made me believe he was a good person. Yet the bad things followed. It is like I had two piggy banks. One was the good guy piggy bank and the other was the bad guy piggy bank. He kept putting coins into the good guy piggy bank. It was never all bad. There was enough good for me to keep hanging onto him. If he was just a monster with no redeeming qualities, I would have been long gone. If all the coins kept going into the bad guy piggy bank I would not have had much invested in a good guy. But he seemed to know what he had to do to get into my good books, and he delivered. So was his goal putting enough coins into the good guy piggy bank so that I would not see there were also coins in the bad guy piggy bank? Or to keep the good guy piggy bank topped up higher than the bad guy piggy bank? That way, I would see the good outweighed the bad? He was very skillful at delivering what was expected. He had a strong work ethic when it came to our relationship. He was very dependable and always there for me when I needed him. So, I think all of that went a long way towards me keeping him around. When he was abusive, I let it go thinking it was not a deal breaker considering all of his good qualities and all the good things he did for me. I think that was his way of rationalizing getting away with bad behaviour. As long as he was doing enough good things to keep a woman happy, she might turn the other cheek and not see any other bad behaviours. 

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, pattycee said:

How many of us have been on a diet and know we need to eat the salad but are tempted by the fattening, unhealthy chocolate cake? And we end up eating the cake and ditching the salad? But in real life, a steady diet of chocolate cake is not healthy for us in the long run. 

Patty, bless your heart for being a great mom to your son but please don't ever insult chocolate cakes!! 😖

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, pattycee said:

When he was abusive, I let it go thinking it was not a deal breaker considering all of his good qualities and all the good things he did for me. I think that was his way of rationalizing getting away with bad behaviour. 

Also it was your way of rationalizing your poor choices in being with a married man who treated you like a secret/FWB for 8 years. 

Fundamentally you knew it was wrong but you stayed for 8 years. Your unraveling here has a lot to do with the consequences of settling for a married man and ignoring all the glaring flags because of what? Because "he has done some good deeds" or "because sex is mind blowing." 

Not sure if you mentioned but are you going to therapy? I think it will benefit you and might help you address why you allowed yourself to be in a relationship that hurt your values and hurt your confidence in yourself and in others. 

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, pattycee said:

before he ruthlessly abandoned me on January 12th and left for Panama on the 16th.

This speaks to your levels of denial and self-delusion, Patty. Warning: Tough love ahead.

You are not a hapless victim, ruthlessly abandoned. You are a grown woman who made some poor choices. Time to start owning that and taking some accountability for your own role in your unhappiness. 

You knew from the beginning that this man was another woman's husband. It didn't stop you. It didn't stop you for eight years. Pretty ruthless of you, no? How do you suppose his wife of 30 years felt when she found out about you? Probably ruthlessly abandoned. And that would be understandable. 

Assuming you were the chosen one and his "second wife" are merely indicators of your deep denial about this affair. His wife was the chosen one (lucky her, eh?), and still is. You were not his second wife, no matter how good it felt to tell yourself this. You were the mistress, but you mistakenly attached a lot more emotional significance to this than you should have. This guy is terrible, and I can't fathom why you're shocked that he left you. He's never really been "yours", so to speak. He's always been hers. It doesn't matter what the sex was like. It wasn't that critical in his choice, clearly. 

Look, I don't doubt you're in a world of pain right now. I don't doubt that he sweet-talked you and led you to believe he cared more than he did. But you cannot assign all the blame to him. You were a volunteer here, not an unwilling conscript. Assuming you're not ridiculously naïve, you had to have known the tremendous risk you were taking, all throughout these 8 years. You have sacrificed your own dignity, of your own volition. I realize you're very hurt and angry, but your sense of entitlement here is off the charts. It's not wrong to be angry with him, but I suspect a lot of that anger is actually with yourself. You made misguided and ill-informed choices for a long time here. Surely, you knew better. When you are out of the fog here (and hopefully you will never talk to him again!) you will see that your self-esteem and moral compass desperately need a tune-up. You'll get there, but not until you start taking responsibility for your own decisions that led you here. 

[boltnrun]

Ted Bundy did yardwork for his elderly neighbor and worked at a suicide prevention hotline. That didn't cancel out the fact that he murdered dozens of young women and girls.

You excused his bad behavior because you wanted him for yourself. You didn't care what you had to put up with in order to "keep" him. And that what is so dangerous, that you'd go to such lengths to try to hold onto such a terrible man. That is how women (and men) end up doing terrible things, because they believe they can't live without these awful people in their lives.

When he shows up at your door or contacts you (and he will), what plan do you have to resist him? Or does the thought of him coming back excite you?

 

[lostandhurt]

So many wasted years on a lying cheater.  You saw what you wanted to see and believed what made you feel better about all this.

Don't waste anymore time on him.  I may have missed it but have you gotten a full STD panel done?  I would bet good money you weren't the only woman he was banging on the side.

Lost