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Verbal & emotional abuse but can’t seem to leave


AJAMJ

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Two years ago I did a blind move while 6 weeks postpartum for my husbands job. It moved me away from all family and friends into a rural area and I am a city girl. 
 

My husband has been increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive toward me and my 2 year old is beginning to realize it and defend me against him. 
 

He bit my two year old as punishment for biting her brother and he left a giant mark that lasted weeks. I reported him to child services as I was horrified of his form of discipline. I do not spank or harm my children in any way as punishment. I am a former early childhood teacher who knows biting a child is wrong. I believe that is also common sense.

I’ve been doing counseling and all my family members and friends want me to leave my husband and go home with my children. I want to go home too but something is stopping me from outright divorcing him. If I was giving advice to someone in my situation I would tell them to leave too however I feel ashamed and scared to do so.

It’s so hard hearing everyday that everything I do or say is wrong and he won’t stop bothering me about how I raise our children. He tells me it’s disgusting and I’m stunting them when I’ve taught and worked as a nanny for years with no issues with multiple children. There’s always another problem or he tells me I don’t speak properly or I don’t understand my own reality. He says I distort reality when I have documented things for 2 years now and know it all is true. 
 

Things feel like they have come to my breaking point as last week we went it my in laws and my mother in law backed my husband up on how I raise my children and they both believe it a bad mother and do things wrong. They correct me constantly when I don’t want to raise my kids like my mother in law did. Both of her children including my husband have major addictions and are alcoholics. He has told everyone that he knows that I’m not raising our children properly and that I’m a manipulative liar. I’m downright terrified that no one will believe me besides my parents and brother on what my husband is doing and saying. My Mother in law says “I don’t believe that, you always get what you want and my son doesn’t.”

He plays the victim card with everyone and accuses me of doing everything he does to me. He even calls me a narcissist when I see he is clearly one after talking to a therapist.

I tried to be as short as possible and skip the little details but has anyone ever felt like they could not leave in a  situation like this?

I hope for him to change and he tells me I’m the one that needs to change...

 

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31 minutes ago, AJAMJ said:

I’ve been doing counseling and all my family members and friends want me to leave my husband and go home with my children. 

Sorry this is happening. Enlist the help of your friends and family to extricate yourself from this.

Protect yourself and your children. One day, while you're deciding, your child could be seriously harmed.

Stop listening to or arguing with this family of child abusers. Look how much damages they did to your twisted husband.

Abusers often isolate victims like this. Run 👟👟. It's your responsibility to protect your child. Stop being complacent in this just to hang onto this monster.

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I haven’t been in this situation to know if I would feel unable to leave it or not but I’ve certainly been one to hang onto thing that are harming me.

Could it be that you found yourself in a very similar, hostile environment growing up and on some subconscious level this feels familiar and comfortable? A lot of us have to unlearn patterns of behaviour and relationship preferences that kept us safe and surviving at some point in our life, but now are maladaptive and hindering our ability to thrive. 
 

You see the ways in which his interactions with you are harmful. I think this is a crucial first step. How to translate that into getting yourself and your kids away from danger, two thoughts that come to mind, make the plan. Squirrel away the important personal documents and a bit of money, touch base with the friends/family who could and want to help you, work out How you would leave. Now you have a plan you can follow when you do. And the other thing, if you can get your hands on it is to get yourself maybe a psychologist or a social worker or a psychologist you bounce your thoughts off of. If you can leave yet take actions that will bring you closer to being able to leave. For you deserve much more than this!!! (Being single is better than being with someone who wants to give you death by a thousand cuts).

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I’m downright terrified that no one will believe me besides my parents and brother on what my husband is doing and saying.

What must you prove, and to whom? And why?

You can always decide about divorce later, after getting yourself and your children into a healthier environment where you can heal your mind and consult an attorney for sound legal advice.

One step at a time.

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Why does anyone need to believe you? You seem to think you must win in the court of public opinion in order to get a divorce. You are an adult. If you decide to end your marriage it is No one’s business why. People get divorced for many reasons and no one knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage. You leave, you take care of yourself and your children. Any evidence you have of abuse you put in a safe place — like a lawyer’s hands — and you file. You put yourself and your children first, the rest will eventually fall into place. 

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You have to leave and find it in you leave because you want something better for yourself. Shame, guilt, resentment, anger... these are inevitable. You are already seeing a therapist. Why not delve a bit deeper into these emotions? You seem afraid of your own negativity or sadness. Don't be afraid of those darker emotions. They are also guiding you to a different and better place. 

If you can learn to navigate those darker, grittier places and accept them as part of your experience, I think you'll be more at peace with whatever you have to do. Don't run away from your own emotions. Talk with your therapist. 

I hope things become clearer soon. Leave as soon as you can. 

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I am afraid of no one believing me when it comes to custody of my children. I do not want my husband to get unsupervised visitation. My children already will not stay with him or my in laws long enough for me to even take a quick shower. That is why I feel like it is my word against his. He calls me out as a liar over things that are true and I know are true. He has this way of wording things to make it seem like I’m lying!

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Work out those details with a lawyer who is experienced with family law and child/domestic abuse. If you do nothing and just worry about who is believing who before trying to gather more information, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Find out more information and start gathering info for what you need to do (quickly) or while leaving this person. It's not safe or healthy for your kids or you.

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How would you feel if you stay with him hoping people will believe you and he does something truly awful to one of the children, worse than what he has already done?

Leave for your children, not for you. You are responsible for their well being.

Have your family help you leave while your husband is out of the house. Do it the first opportunity you have. Then hire a strong attorney who will advocate for you.

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Please OP, take this advice and do it NOW.  You have nothing to be ashamed of. 

"I’ve been doing counseling and all my family members and friends want me to leave my husband and go home with my children."

All the posters here are giving you good advice too. It is vital you consult a lawyer and get proper support.  Don't postpone this any longer or matters will get worse.

Good luck

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4 hours ago, arjumand said:

... You seem to think you must win in the court of public opinion ...

Yep. You're doing the imaginary judge and jury thing to shut yourself down. That's a habit that will keep you in stagnation, because it jumps straight into persecution and disables you from considering, instead, the small steps we each need to take in order to move toward where we want to go.

Seeking legal advice is not the same thing as filing for divorce. You don't need to consider that option right now. It's an information-gathering session where you can state the problems and learn what legal options are available to you, along with the best steps for each option.

If you're not able to safely make an appointment with an attorney, can you make a trip with your kids to visit your family? Or, contact a local women's shelter or domestic abuse organization. To find one, you can use your browser to open a private window (in Chrome: File, New Incognito Window,) and go to https://www.thehotline.org. A phone number will display. These are people trained to help you find resources local to you.

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You know he won't change, yet chose to stay.   You are continuing to put your children in harm's way and will not do what is best for them.  That's on you.   Your kids are the victims in this scenario, not you.  You are hurting your kids by keeping them in this environment.

 

How would he get your kids if he has already been investigated for abuse?    Get a  lawyer and stop making excuses.

 

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Talk to a women's shelter and get advice on attorney who specialize in abusive marriages. They can also help you with an exit plan. He is not the first abusive man to get divorced with kids. You understand that by staying you are participating in allowing them to be abused and to them witnessing his abuse of you? You are setting them up for a dangerous and unpleasant future, not just as children, but as the adults they will become. 

You need help -- reach out to a shelter and domestic violence groups. If you don't know where to start, start with The National Domestic Violence hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/

Good luck, you can do this. 

 

 

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Your family can vouch for you and the report to child services will be applied to your case. If you are smart, secretly record the abuse as evidence. A lot of women have that fear, but the courts 99.9% of the time side with the mother for custody. Your chances are extremely good.

Do this for your kids...give them a voice. Protect them  and leave. 

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Part of the problem right now is that the only people aware of the situation are all people telling you that you are in the wrong. Shut out those voices. You know in your head and in your heart what you need to do. Get someone in your family to come help you get out.

I had a POS husband similar to yours. On a particularly bad day, I called his mom to see if she could talk some sense into him. Her response - "He isn't my problem anymore - you married him, You deal with it!"

Really opened my eyes to what his upbringing was like

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I've been in a similar situation and the consequences of living that way is it breaks you down.

His insults break you down and youre trying to tolerate them just to get through the day.  In order to stay you have to deny your own self worth and he's right there to reinforce that.

You dont go from feeling broken to having the faith and courage to walk out and create a new life.  It's a process.  

Continue with therapy, surround yourself with support and in the meantime  get some legal advise.  Getting legal advice was the best thing I ever did.  It took me months to make that phone call and even though armed with good advise I didnt act on it for weeks.  All of this allowed me to feel empowered.  But it didnt happen overnight and it wasn't easy.

It's normal to feel afraid.  Be patient.  Do the work.

One foot in front of the other.  You'll get there.

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