How to approach him after six months no contact?? 😯😮

[MissCanuck]

OP, you've written about this guy before under different usernames.

 

You always get the same responses, and you always come up with different excuses. No progress has been made.

 

What's with the fixation? It's not healthy for you to be so hung up on him after all this time.

[nicole92]

Right... not knowing your age.. it could be a maturity thing. Again, not a dig against you. we're all mature about things and immature about things.

 

My point is... you don't have to explain yourself. Everything in your life, is your business. How you choose to handle things etc. I know, some people, they were always this way.

 

me? I thought either I needed the approval or maybe I owed people in some way.

 

Life got a whole lot easier when I realized people not agreeing with me was not a slight against me. everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions... but whatever I'm doing, I have to live with the consequences not anyone else. so its up to me to do what I think is best for me.

Im in my 20s.

You're not wrong in what youre saying i agree!

Why did you feel you needed others approval out of curiosity?

 

Asides from the forum where im actually asking for advice..like the example of my male friend ..he would give me his opinions even when i didnt ask for them. And he did this for the whole year i knew the guy who thread is about. I didnt say a word about the guy..and he( male friend) randomly comes out with he will be happy if you went missing..and i was like 🤔. And then proceeded to say he probably forgot about you and doesnt care about you. I wasnt even talking about the guy in any way shape or form but he brought him up to pick on me it seemed. So some people can be toxic..its just who they are. Therefore not everything is an innocent opinion or view. People can have nasty streaks.

[nicole92]

OP, you've written about this guy before under different usernames.

 

You always get the same responses, and you always come up with different excuses. No progress has been made.

 

What's with the fixation? It's not healthy for you to be so hung up on him after all this time.

Nope not me. Not the same person.

I've read some other threads here about women obsessing over certain men and not being able to sleep or eat.

[nicole92]

This isn't about his stubborn ego. It's about his self respect.

 

I did OLD for years and personally I would have cut you off a long time ago.

 

There are a large amount of time wasters on OLD who just want electronic entertainment and have no desire to actually meet people. I learned to suss them out quickly and move on.

 

Your reason that it's not easy due to a pandemic is warranted, but if your intentions were in the right place and you were motivated to begin with, you could have met him at a park and had a cup of coffee.

 

Anyway. . .i am not saying anything that hasn't already been said.

Just call him. You might be surprised.

 

I know there are time wasters. But not everyone should be painted with the same brush.

 

I think the mistake i made was letting the time pass for too long since our last phonecall.

Now it gets dark really quickly..cant exactly meet in a park either😂. Unless its really early.

 

Thanks i will find a suitable time to call.

[nicole92]

So true Reinvent, on the time wasters. ugh!

Why do people message without the intention of meeting. I think its weird.

And i can maybe see why he thinks that of me but i find it odd..i wouldn't talk to someone pointlessly without some aim to meet. I know i was taking things a bit too slowly but my intention was always to meet

 

And why are there so many of them women and men on these apps. Its a bit sad

[Lambert]

Im in my 20s.

You're not wrong in what youre saying i agree!

Why did you feel you needed others approval out of curiosity?

 

Asides from the forum where im actually asking for advice..like the example of my male friend ..he would give me his opinions even when i didnt ask for them. And he did this for the whole year i knew the guy who thread is about. I didnt say a word about the guy..and he( male friend) randomly comes out with he will be happy if you went missing..and i was like [emoji848]. And then proceeded to say he probably forgot about you and doesnt care about you. I wasnt even talking about the guy in any way shape or form but he brought him up to pick on me it seemed. So some people can be toxic..its just who they are. Therefore not everything is an innocent opinion or view. People can have nasty streaks.

I understand what you mean. I think we get unsolicited advice and opinions from all kinds of people in our lives. As Taylor Swift told us. . you gotta just shake it off!

 

As a young girl and woman, I didn't have a lot of confidence. I didn't always know how I felt. Maybe that's why I needed others to tell me.

 

But once I started deciding things for myself and taking the time to understand why I felt the way I did, I stopped needing others to tell me. Their opinions became less relevant to me. This is my life. I have to live it and suffer the consequences- good or bad.

 

I may seek to talk things through with a confidant or post on this forum.. Its great to get a variety of perspectives .. .but at the end of the day, I'm going to choose what I'm going to do.

 

Someone may give me something to think about, but I'm not offended. If my decision isn't a popular one or it doesn't garner a lot of support, that's OK, too. because I understand my own feelings, needs and motivation. What I do makes sense to me.

[Lambert]

Why do people message without the intention of meeting. I think its weird.

And i can maybe see why he thinks that of me but i find it odd..i wouldn't talk to someone pointlessly without some aim to meet. I know i was taking things a bit too slowly but my intention was always to meet

 

And why are there so many of them women and men on these apps. Its a bit sad

 

one thing to keep in mind about on line dating, what you are or are not is unknown to the people you talk to.

 

So while you may not consider yourself a time waster, a person on line has no way of knowing. they are using your actions & words, combined with their own perspectives & experiences and coming to a conclusion about you.

 

Some people don't want to meet because they're married, they're not who they pretend to be, they are lonely, they have a mental problem.... the reasons are endless.

[LaHermes]

Yes, Lambert. That is the sum total of it.

 

"Some people don't want to meet because they're married, they're not who they pretend to be, they are lonely, they have a mental problem.... the reasons are endless."

[bluecastle]

Why do people message without the intention of meeting. I think its weird.

 

Lots of reasons, none of them worth much energy thinking about.

 

But, hey, one way to understand it: You've spent a few days now, on this forum, writing about this dude, analyzing him, imagining this, imagining that, getting twisted into some curious mental-emotional knots. Is part of all that a bit thrilling, distracting? Does it feel like being more active/involved in romance than, I don't know, just going about a day, thinking about what you want to eat later, what you feel like doing come Saturday?

 

If the answer is yes—well, then you get a little window into why some people enjoy the world of dating apps without a whole lot of dating. Flutter, fluff, a little whiff of something-something that makes the day glitter a bit. No harm in it. Let's say you just shot this guy a text to see what's what. You'd get a little jolt of nervy adrenaline, and then he'd either respond or not, whereas writing about him here extends the adrenaline a bit more. Think something similar is at play when people chitchat but circumvent actually meeting.

 

I don't say any of that to sound judgmental, but just for perspective.

 

Speaking of? A good while back, when I was single, I got a message on an app from someone I chatted with a bit before the mutual fade-out. This was many months later. Said something like: "I thought you were interesting, but we never met, did we? Want to change that?" She caught me at a moment when, sure, I was down to see about meeting up. We went on a few dates, all fun, but not quite enough there for either of us. I don't know if she spent days debating whether or not to send that, but I share it to encourage you to not get too caught up in the analytical, pixilated part of all this. Sparkles are lovely, don't get me wrong, but they can make a person dizzy.

[reinventmyself]

Why do people message without the intention of meeting. I think its weird.

And i can maybe see why he thinks that of me but i find it odd..i wouldn't talk to someone pointlessly without some aim to meet.

But yet it's been a year since you first had contact.

 

I get you like to take it slow but you need to recognize that in a years time he could chat with 50 other women and a good number of them will meet him on short notice. If it's a real life relationship he's looking for he isn't going to wait a year for it to pay off.

 

A good number of people consider their time valuable and will only invest it wisely.

[nicole92]

I understand what you mean. I think we get unsolicited advice and opinions from all kinds of people in our lives. As Taylor Swift told us. . you gotta just shake it off!

 

As a young girl and woman, I didn't have a lot of confidence. I didn't always know how I felt. Maybe that's why I needed others to tell me.

 

But once I started deciding things for myself and taking the time to understand why I felt the way I did, I stopped needing others to tell me. Their opinions became less relevant to me. This is my life. I have to live it and suffer the consequences- good or bad.

 

I may seek to talk things through with a confidant or post on this forum.. Its great to get a variety of perspectives .. .but at the end of the day, I'm going to choose what I'm going to do.

 

Someone may give me something to think about, but I'm not offended. If my decision isn't a popular one or it doesn't garner a lot of support, that's OK, too. because I understand my own feelings, needs and motivation. What I do makes sense to me.

So basically youre older and wiser now through your experiences! And now you can help people like me get a better perspective on things 😅😂. Fair enough.

Its helpful..i do need to stop taking things personally and getting annoyed.

Its just theres a lot riding on this..ive wasted so much time and i know that..so if it doesnt work out it will be really unfortunate. Because at the end of the day he won't care he did what he had to do ( he doesnt have to think about the what could have been)..Whereas i didnt take action this whole time.

[nicole92]

Yes, Lambert. That is the sum total of it.

 

"Some people don't want to meet because they're married, they're not who they pretend to be, they are lonely, they have a mental problem.... the reasons are endless."

 

Why did you bold the they have a mental problem 😂😂. Hey I've met my fair share of oddballs too.

[nicole92]

one thing to keep in mind about on line dating, what you are or are not is unknown to the people you talk to.

 

So while you may not consider yourself a time waster, a person on line has no way of knowing. they are using your actions & words, combined with their own perspectives & experiences and coming to a conclusion about you.

 

Some people don't want to meet because they're married, they're not who they pretend to be, they are lonely, they have a mental problem.... the reasons are endless.

True.

I just meant like what does texting people do. Texts don't really do anything for me. I have to really reallly reaaaaallllyyy like the person to get any kind of joy out of texting.

There are all sorts of people though so maybe it works for some.

 

I took the attachment style test and im "dismissive avoidant". I guess this also factors into things 🤔😂.

[nicole92]

Lots of reasons, none of them worth much energy thinking about.

 

But, hey, one way to understand it: You've spent a few days now, on this forum, writing about this dude, analyzing him, imagining this, imagining that, getting twisted into some curious mental-emotional knots. Is part of all that a bit thrilling, distracting? Does it feel like being more active/involved in romance than, I don't know, just going about a day, thinking about what you want to eat later, what you feel like doing come Saturday?

 

If the answer is yes—well, then you get a little window into why some people enjoy the world of dating apps without a whole lot of dating. Flutter, fluff, a little whiff of something-something that makes the day glitter a bit. No harm in it. Let's say you just shot this guy a text to see what's what. You'd get a little jolt of nervy adrenaline, and then he'd either respond or not, whereas writing about him here extends the adrenaline a bit more. Think something similar is at play when people chitchat but circumvent actually meeting.

 

I don't say any of that to sound judgmental, but just for perspective.

 

Speaking of? A good while back, when I was single, I got a message on an app from someone I chatted with a bit before the mutual fade-out. This was many months later. Said something like: "I thought you were interesting, but we never met, did we? Want to change that?" She caught me at a moment when, sure, I was down to see about meeting up. We went on a few dates, all fun, but not quite enough there for either of us. I don't know if she spent days debating whether or not to send that, but I share it to encourage you to not get too caught up in the analytical, pixilated part of all this. Sparkles are lovely, don't get me wrong, but they can make a person dizzy.

in answer to your first questions the answer is no. Not really. I see what you're saying though. 🤔

 

As for the latter part i know theres no point over analysing.

I've actually met a couple of men who do this a lot. But they just wont admit it 😂. The male friend i know for example..he would go on and on about this one particular girl every single day. And i had to be the one to tell him to get a grip.

 

With regards to my situation. Ive known this guy a year now..there were so many periods in between i allowed the no contact to go on and i didnt think about it much..its only now im in lockdown that im re evaluating some things 🤔. Oh well.!

[nicole92]

But yet it's been a year since you first had contact.

 

I get you like to take it slow but you need to recognize that in a years time he could chat with 50 other women and a good number of them will meet him on short notice. If it's a real life relationship he's looking for he isn't going to wait a year for it to pay off.

 

A good number of people consider their time valuable and will only invest it wisely.

Very true.

Which is why its annoying with this pandemic..otherwise i would have reached out a lot sooner. Im sure there are women who will meet him at the drop of a hat..who dont care about the risks to anyone else like i do.

He will probably prefer those women too as they will pander to all his needs. I'm not like that .... never will be.

But it is what it is.

[Lambert]

So basically youre older and wiser now through your experiences! And now you can help people like me get a better perspective on things [emoji28][emoji23]. Fair enough.

Its helpful..i do need to stop taking things personally and getting annoyed.

Its just theres a lot riding on this..ive wasted so much time and i know that..so if it doesnt work out it will be really unfortunate. Because at the end of the day he won't care he did what he had to do ( he doesnt have to think about the what could have been)..Whereas i didnt take action this whole time.

 

Yes. you boil it down well... older and wiser... but don't assume wisdom just comes with age. you have to find it for yourself. I know plenty of dumb people of all ages.

 

you make another good point, why do you take things personally and get so annoyed?

 

you're giving up your power when you let people control you like that....

 

you haven't wasted time. for whatever reason you chose not to meet him. its the journey.

[MissCanuck]

Its just theres a lot riding on this.

 

Why is that, though?

 

You've never met this person. You've made this into a much bigger issue than it ever needed to be. You have no clue if you would even be compatible and even get past the first meet-up, so there really should be very little riding on this.

[Billie28]

“Its just theres a lot riding on this..ive wasted so much time and i know that..so if it doesnt work out it will be really unfortunate.”

 

What does that even mean?

If what doesn’t work out????

 

A meet doesn’t lead to a date?

I wouldn’t call that unfortunate , I would call that life! Most people we meet doesn’t lead to marriage and babies ?

Mostly rejection. Is that what this is all about???

 

You are scared of rejection?

 

You do realise people get rejected more often than accepted and we only need to be accepted by one?

You yourself have rejected 50 by blocking them.

 

And you didn’t even give this guy a chance to accept you?

Because of fear of him rejecting you???!

 

You have got to get over that or become a nun?

[nicole92]

Yes. you boil it down well... older and wiser... but don't assume wisdom just comes with age. you have to find it for yourself. I know plenty of dumb people of all ages.

 

you make another good point, why do you take things personally and get so annoyed?

 

you're giving up your power when you let people control you like that....

 

you haven't wasted time. for whatever reason you chose not to meet him. its the journey.

That's correct about the power thing. I did used to stop my self from reacting sometimes before because of exactly that..but straight up people take the piss sometimes..

I've definitely been around too many toxic and disrespectful people.

 

And as for plenty of dumb people across all ages..i know what you mean. There are people 30 years older than myself who are more immature than me! Go figure

[nicole92]

Why is that, though?

 

You've never met this person. You've made this into a much bigger issue than it ever needed to be. You have no clue if you would even be compatible and even get past the first meet-up, so there really should be very little riding on this.

Because its been too long that's why and i wasted time. This doesnt happen with people who i meet ...we talk or meet pretty quick ..realise the incompatibility and its over.

 

This guy and me combined let it go on too long without the meeting part. When it should have happened a long time back

[nicole92]

“Its just theres a lot riding on this..ive wasted so much time and i know that..so if it doesnt work out it will be really unfortunate.”

 

What does that even mean?

If what doesn’t work out????

 

A meet doesn’t lead to a date?

I wouldn’t call that unfortunate , I would call that life! Most people we meet doesn’t lead to marriage and babies ?

Mostly rejection. Is that what this is all about???

 

You are scared of rejection?

 

You do realise people get rejected more often than accepted and we only need to be accepted by one?

You yourself have rejected 50 by blocking them.

 

And you didn’t even give this guy a chance to accept you?

Because of fear of him rejecting you???!

 

You have got to get over that or become a nun?

I mean not really...thats not been the whole focus..

But now that you said it maybe.

I never even thought about it in that way as men are always trying to get my number and try and talk to me ( outside of this app)..

 

Its that toxic male "friend" of mine..pretty much the whole year ..probably a year an a half now..since the start has been like he will find better than you ...he knows he can do better..hes probably talking to other women..constantly like every week ..he kept repeatedly saying how i will be rejected by this guy.

Most likely because he himself is actually rejected by females on OLD everyday..

I mean once or twice is fine to let it go..but can you imagine someone being like that 24/7. I should have blocked him a long time ago..

And as i said before i'm not someone who finds it hard to get male attention..and when i used to tell the toxc friend..someone came back and admitted he liked me..his response was "apparently".

 

In hindsight i shouldn't have told him anything.. i guess he was like a sounding board.

 

Obviously the OLD guy the thread is about has no idea about this other guy..whos constantly talking s*** the whole time

[Ian4996]

A good while back, when I was single, I got a message on an app from someone I chatted with a bit before the mutual fade-out. This was many months later. Said something like: "I thought you were interesting, but we never met, did we? Want to change that?"

 

I really like her approach here! She showed straight off the bat that she was genuine about meeting. If a woman I'd chatted to a while ago (but never met) messaged me that, I'd probably go meet her too.

 

However, I wouldn't be quite so keen if her 'want to change that?' question was replaced by 'I still have no intention of meeting you anytime soon but maybe we could exchange loads more endless online messages' even if she justified her non-availability with a plausible reason.

[nicole92]

I really like her approach here! She showed straight off the bat that she was genuine about meeting. If a woman I'd chatted to a while ago (but never met) messaged me that, I'd probably go meet her too.

 

However, I wouldn't be quite so keen if her 'want to change that?' question was replaced by 'I still have no intention of meeting you anytime soon but maybe we could exchange loads more endless online messages' even if she justified her non-availability with a plausible reason.

Well im sure that woman wouldnt have been quite so forthright if she was in the midst of a pandemic...

 

And i never texted or sent that many online messages..so 🤷♀️ or have the intention of doing so.

[Ian4996]

Might as well be forthright! Excellent trait in my opinion (not sure if that's a Yorkshire thing!)

 

The reason (shielding high risk people) is justified enough but ultimately you do have no intention to meet him anytime soon.

 

Personally I'd just wait until you can actually meet and then if you do still want to meet, send the exact same sort of message the woman sent to Bluecastle (again I thought this was a really excellent message). But hey ho, you'll do whatever you like!

[nicole92]

Might as well be forthright! Excellent trait in my opinion (not sure if that's a Yorkshire thing!)

 

The reason (shielding high risk people) is justified enough but ultimately you do have no intention to meet him anytime soon.

 

Personally I'd just wait until you can actually meet and then if you do still want to meet, send the exact same sort of message the woman sent to Bluecastle (again I thought this was a really excellent message). But hey ho, you'll do whatever you like!

Maybe those up north are less reserved than those in south/southeast! But then again its a generalisation.

By the time i can actually meet might be another month or so at least..and he may have moved far on by then.

At least if i contact earlier i can say i have the intention to meet and ill give him a time soon. Which ive not done before.

Actually i did it once when he got fed up..and he said it was funny how as soon as he said he will stop contact that i say that. So who knows.

 

I dont expect him to wait around but ill obviously say that i think we should meet...and explain why i didnt the whole time..and he can decide whatever he wants to do.