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Does he just not know what he wants? Was I too needy?


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He started off really into me and it was a lot of fun, he wanted to make future plans and he was showing his friends my pictures. He told his family about me ( briefly) . We would hangout 1-2 a week and talk all the time. Things slowed down a bit but I wasn’t too worried.

Then he suddenly just went very cold on me one week, I tried to brush it off. He got a little better and I asked him if he wanted to start hangout more, because I liked him and wanted to see where things could go. HE said yes, I like hangout with you. I miss you.

Then we hangout and he said he’d been an ass to me, and how he talked about it in therapy. He said he was sorry and had not been giving me the time and attention that I deserve. He was saying wanted to focus on work so basically he wasn’t ready for a relationship but was going to get better with communication ect. He said he liked dating me, he liked me, that he wish I lived closer to him, he missed me when I was gone.

So he did get better and id again only see him 1 a week or every other week because of work or whatever.

The last time I saw him he was sweet and cute and I thought it was all great between us.

THEN he suddenly he had excuses for not being able to see me each week, after 3 weeks I was like hey, I know you are busy and everything but I miss you and I havent seen you in awhile. Can we make plans? Even if its just a few hours on a random day…

He was like yes, I know it has been a while. Blah blah

WE made in the air plans for the next weekend.

Well that day comes up and I say hey are we hangout tonight , he said can’t caught up with my family. And I said ok, then ill see you tomorrow!

Then he says idk prob not this is what I was telling you. I don’t have time. I know you want to hangout and blah blah but are we really even dating if we never see each other?

 

It was a very dragged out break up but he really just blamed it on wanting to only focus on his career, that is career was 1# and he didn’t want me to think he was off doing this with other girls. He was really just working or at home cleaning or with his family.

"it's not you, it's me "

 

 

 

Also he always would tell me how he will always be honest, that I can always ask him anything anytime, we dated for about 3-4 months. I just don’t understand went wrong because he’d be really into it, then hold back some and id be super chill about but and he’d say I can always ask when I want to do something, but then act like its so stressful when I ask to hangout 1 night a week-every other week. HE just stopped putting in effort. But he was so big on having a family someday.

was it wrong of me to ask for 1 night a week?

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WE made in the air plans for the next weekend.

Well that day comes up and I say hey are we hangout tonight , he said can’t caught up with my family. And I said ok, then ill see you tomorrow!

Then he says idk prob not this is what I was telling you. I don’t have time. I know you want to hangout and blah blah but are we really even dating if we never see each other?

 

You were the only one driving the train here. You were the one who checked in with him about the "in the air" plans. When he said no because of family, that should've been the end of your effort. The ball was in his court to ask you to do something. In that way, you gauge the interest of the other person, and if it's not there, why would you be the one to continue with effort when it's not reciprocated. It was also pushy for you to tell him you'd see him tomorrow, then. You hadn't even consulted him about it, and no wonder he came up with excuses. Not that he's any prize.

 

Some guys want the fun of a new relationship, but when it's time to go to the next level, they bail because short term was their goal all along, even if they spoke of the future. Or perhaps he decided while "hanging out" with you, that he just wasn't that into you.

 

If a relationship is regressing versus progressing, take it as a cue that the person isn't the right one for you. The right guy will make it crystal clear he's into you and you won't have to be nagging, cajoling, and upset about not enough time together. I hope you have a fulfilling life besides dating. Never make a man the sole center of your universe which is too smothering. Good luck in finding someone more compatible.

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Just stop all contact with him. The reason really doesn't matter. you can do better.

 

I know it hurts your feelings. you like him and are disappointed but youre wasting your time.

 

you were not asking too much. You were just asking the wrong person.

 

Next time, when someone ends things, just let them. People are going to do what they're going to do. sometimes you get hurt... but live and learn. you'll find better and be glad this ended.

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Sounds like the usual what burns hot burns out fast situation. He came on very strong and then lost interest, but failed to tell you that directly. Instead he was doing the "busy busy oh so busy, too busy for you" excuse hoping you'll take the hint and fade out or let him fade out.

 

A busy person who wants to see you and date you isn't going to talk about how busy they are, instead they will focus on when they can meet you and keep to it.

 

You: When can I see you again?

Him: I have this project due on Monday, will be working all through the weekend, but I'd love to see you on Tuesday or Wednesday if that works for you.

 

vs

 

You: When can I see you again?

Him: Gosh you know I'm so busy with work and family stuff and other stuff and I really need to focus on work. I'm just sooooo busyyyyyyy........ I'll...ugh...try to think of something sometime.....but you know I'm just soooo busy.

 

When you hear the latter, call it a day and walk away.

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Well he had said Friday Saturday or Sunday. I was busy Friday. So Saturday or Sunday was better. Then the day of (Saturday) he said still with family and I said ok, no problem. See you Sunday then?

 

Yeah, that's the thing - he kept pushing you off and making excuses instead of making time and keeping it. Emphasis on keeping it. Someone who wants to actually see you will make time and do it instead of excuses like "family". Unless a close fam member is in the hospital, he can go on a date with you, he is just choosing not to and keeps pushing you off with vague "busy, need to focus on work" type excuses. Time for you to take the hint and exit this for good. At some point, if you keep on hanging on and trying, you'll lose your self respect. Don't do that to yourself.

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Then we hangout and he said he’d been an ass to me, and how he talked about it in therapy.

 

This would stop me in my tracks. Did he say more about what he talked about in therapy? I don't suspect many or any would be open to discussing the details of what they discussed with their therapist as it's confidential but I think if you've been seeing each other for a few months, you probably already have a good idea of what some of his triggers or issues are. That comment would be a signal to me that something is going off the rails in his mind right there. Something wasn't right about the relationship or he didn't sense that you were the right partner for him in some way.

 

This is your cue also to stop and pay attention because this person is clear he's not interested for personal reasons. He's telling you it's about work/life balance but I think, sadly, in this case, it's up to you to read between the lines. The relationship wasn't healthy or he isn't healthy enough to continue one. Both are not what you want in your life either.

 

Brush yourself off and consider this a dodged bullet, glass half full, go on your merry way sort of situation. He has said all you needed to know and that is no reflection on him as a person (whether he is good or bad) but it is a very clear indicator that he's not interested in dating you and I'd see this as an unhealthy situation overall. Count this a blessing. You're free to date others who appreciate you.

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Even times when true simpatico seems to be there at first, time can show us that we're not really as well matched as we first believed.

 

This isn't a reflection on you. Once you can grasp that finding the RIGHT match is a needle-in-the-haystack thing, you won't be so hard on yourself. You'll view rejection as speaking of another's limited capacity to see you through the right lens. Best not to twist that to mean that there's some deficiency in you.

 

Most people are NOT our match. This isn't a bad thing, it's natural odds. Same is true of friendships--we don't always gel with even the most fabulous people. We just don't share the spark that motivates the kind of effort that real intimacy requires.

 

Think of how rare it is to find true friends even while you're able to have more than one of those. Then consider how important it is to hold out for THE right match in a lover when you're monogamous and can only have ONE of those.

 

This is why it's important to learn self-acceptance, so you can stand true to yourself regardless of who comes or goes. Nobody is perfect at it, and even small rejections can hurt. But the most self-loving thing you can develop is resilience and an ability to allow wrong matches to pass early.

 

Head high, and don't internalize this. You'll thank yourself later.

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This guy sounds like he was doing the "slow fade." I know, it hurts, but at some point, things weren't working out for him, and rather than telling you, or "officially" breaking up, he just hoped that you would stop trying. It hurts the worst because they put on this aura that they are still very into you, and there are just life circumstances getting in the way. He did "hint" and you did not take the hint (focusing on his career/going cold on you).

 

I do not think that one day a week is too much to ask, and you went further in accepting that every other week would be acceptable. This, after you started out with seeing him twice a week, maybe more. It's reasonable to have the same expectation as far as seeing each other. It also normal that the high level of seeing each may drop a bit because you just can't maintain like that long-term, but this guy just completely dropped out. As a prior person mentioned, there should be progression, not regression, even if seeing each other drops a little at first - this is what I consider to be normal in a new relationship, but if things continue forward, you find ways to spend more time together, not less, but of course both people have to be equally invested in the relationship. This guy was not. This guy wasn't into you anymore, but failed to tell you and make a clean break. Instead he was just "busy." You fought it, denied it, and kept trying to salvage what you started out with until eventually, it ended.

 

Once a week is not too needy, and expecting more time as the relationship progresses is also not needy.

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