I was 'ungrateful' for a gift and boyfriend is angry

[reinventmyself]

I often 'talked' about getting a tattoo to honor my mothers passing. Doesn't mean I would do it, but I was all talk nontheless.

 

My youngest son has a friend that owns a tattoo parlor. My son took a chance and bought me a gift certificate for Christmas. I was speechless, I probably had the same reaction you did. I don't recall, but I probably didn't thank him properly and in exchange he told me that *there was no pressure and I could choose to never use it. . but it was paid for if I ever decided to do it.

 

I can't imagine him having a tantrum and threatening to no longer be my son because I didn't have some imagined reaction that he felt warranted the moment.

[needAdvic]

Thanks for further insights everyone. I'm not sure I'm in a place that I'm ready to terminate the relationship. I'm going away this weekend and otherwise we are both working so will see how things stand after that and if he stops being grumpy about it. I don't intend to use the voucher unless I feel I can emotionally detach it from him or the issue is resolved.

 

In terms of people saying I told him I wanted a tattoo, I 100% did tell him and I do want one, just wasn't sure I was ready for the pressure to have to come up with what I want. I have been thinking about it for ages, so I know him giving me the gift was not to control me but to be kind as he thought its what I wanted.

 

We did have some issues surface earlier in the year and we talked about if the relationship was working and decided to stick it out - we both have a lot going on independently and I've definitely been more anxious than usual, so I have been planning to see a therapist to help me with that and also work on my communication (even though his actions aren't ideal I also know I haven't been the easiest to get along with too). He was planning to do the same but I'm not sure where hos mind is at with that. He is pretty against couples therapy though (it's hard for him to open up). I do feel those issues contributed to me being taken aback by the gift, but I am definitely thankful for it and want to use it, just got stressed in the moment about not being ready to commit to it. However yes, the reason I felt I was at fault was because I had expressed I wanted more tattoos and still was very negative at the time he gave the gift (I'm someone who loves giving gifts so I can imagine how I would have felt in his shoes).

 

Oh and if it matters he did not get a discount, it was what I would consider a generous amount on the voucher also (one of the more expensive gifts he's ever given me). I do feel pretty guilty for being negative about it rather than excited, given that I'd been saying I want a tattoo.

 

Anyway thanks for the insight, I think I'll see how it plays out and if he continues to hold grudges I'll have to re-evaluate.

[Batya33]

I'm hearing that you both do your own thing a lot and on top of that you don't communicate clearly or directly. Couples therapy is for people who find it hard to open up. It sounds like you also find it hard to open up as you're reluctant to be direct with him and communicate clearly. That's also a sign of that.

 

What kind of "place" would you need to be in to break up?

[Tinydance]

I think to be honest you both actually acted a bit immaturely. I think I would be disappointed too in his shoes but I really don't think I would throw a tantrum. I would probably actually say that I would get the voucher refunded or use it myself if you didn't want to get a tattoo. The fact that he was so nasty about it and even threatened to break up is not good. Anger issues are a serious problem and it is something to worry about.

[Rose Mosse]

Anyway thanks for the insight, I think I'll see how it plays out and if he continues to hold grudges I'll have to re-evaluate.

 

Grudges lead to bitterness and resentment that add up over time and they all eventually crack a relationship completely. If you feel he is the type to hold grudges (can't forgive and forget), I think you're in for a long, long, bumpy road. It's good if you're aware of it now and it's very hard to break that pattern. That's just the streak he's developed or has always had unless he wants or seeks to change that about himself. If he doesn't find any problem with it, that's trouble.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there are more red flags than this latest outburst. Couples therapy is not indicated for people who are just dating/living together. Sadly, event after event and issue after issue, you have decided to "stick it out", despite it not working and despite the resent, anger, contempt, tantrums, etc..

 

What you could do is see a doctor for your own situation (anxiety, moods, etc) and get a referral to your own private individual therapist so you can objectively get a professional read on this. You don't have to be stuck in an abusive situation. There is no badge of honor for staying with an immature jerk.

We did have some issues surface earlier in the year and we talked about if the relationship was working and decided to stick it out

He is pretty against couples therapy though

I think I'll see how it plays out and if he continues to hold grudges I'll have to re-evaluate.

[LaHermes]

OP.

 

You say:

 

"He is pretty against couples therapy though (it's hard for him to open up)."

 

 

"holding a grudge" and/or being "grumpy" is a far cry from what you said earlier o, that he can only express himself through anger. He sure doesn't have any trouble opening up in anger. Then again if he cannot deal with matters except by flying off the handle I cannot see how you would want to be in a relationship with such a person.

 

Ñife is short OP. Not be wasted on an angry partner. He doesn't want to go to therapy because he knows full well what he is going to hear.

 

So right Wiseman:

 

"You don't have to be stuck in an abusive situation. There is no badge of honor for staying with an immature jerk."

 

Forget the "evaluating" OP, take a decision, waste no more time.

[lostandhurt]

We all hope everything works out for you both.

 

Please keep in mind his statements like "I will never forgive you" are extremely rigid even if said in the heat of the moment.

 

Relationships take work but both people need to be open to doing the work and exposing themselves and being vulnerable. I think you both would benefit from couples counseling so don't give up on the idea. Frame it to him like this: "I love you so much and want us to work but we need help making OUR relationship better" "Better communication, better conflict resolution and better understanding of each others feelings and fears"

 

No ultimatums like if you don't go with me it is over kind of stuff.

 

A tattoo is forever so take your time and do what is best for you and only you.

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

I don't think this was about the gift. Especially when the reaction just doesn't seem to fit the crime.

 

Sometimes people look for an opportunity to blow off steam built up from accumulative frusterations and use it as an excuse to distance themselves.

 

I get the sense if it wasn't about the gift, it would have been about something else eventually. He was just waiting for the right moment.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It was staged to ruin her birthday. Sort of a non-gift replaced by hurt, insult, guilt-tripping and making it all about his uncalled for anger.

He was just waiting for the right moment.

[tattoobunnie]

So he ruins your birthday, and ridicules you, and makes you feel horrible, and you want to prove your gratitude????? Um, No thanks! Even if you didn't like it, and let him know you didn't, he needs to say, "oh well!" and just use it for himself. Anyone willing to break up with you over a gift that you don't need or don't want, it's really about something else, and a matter of trying to control you. Don't fall for it.

 

In fact, give the voucher to a friend. It's your gift, and you should be able to use if however you so wish.

 

Picture he got your a voucher for nose job, and you were like . Same scenario. You should have every right to let your partner know (someone who's suppose to support you thick and thin) that you don't plan to use it.

 

Sorry, my hubs and I get each other mediocre gifts over the years and we don't break down and have a tantrum over it.

[pippy longstocking]

Good grief . shocking what this thread has turned into ...now he staged it ..!! looooooool time for me to go back to the real world away from this thread I think , away from the bitterness and warped sense of reality that gets dished out on here .

[SherrySher]

I actually agree with you, Pippy.

 

If my partner had told me he was 'jealous' over something I might have had or had floated ideas around about wanting something, that to me gives a clear indication that he wants that item. I mean, that's fairly logical to think.

 

So if his birthday comes along and I buy said item for him, and he get's all anxious over it, upset, and so on, and then doesn't even thank me, well it's going to feel crap, isn't it?

 

It doesn't necessarily need to be a tattoo, it could be anything. The point is, your boyfriend thought he was doing a good thing in buying you this, he was excited to give it to you, and then you essentially throws a hissy fit and aren't happy. How confused would you be?!?

 

The guy was trying to do something nice!

 

Honestly lady, I would apologize. Make it VERY well known from now on what it is you want, and what it is you don't want. Even me reading your post I was confused over what it is you're actually wanting, no wonder the poor man is unhappy now and feeling in a bad place, he thought he was doing right!

 

Geez, it would make anyone never want to give a present again with that type of reaction!

[LaHermes]

With you Wiseman on this:

 

"guilt-tripping and making it all about his uncalled for anger."

 

This person's way of life is anger, not just about the ridiculous tattoo stuff.

[pippy longstocking]

I actually agree with you, Pippy.

 

If my partner had told me he was 'jealous' over something I might have had or had floated ideas around about wanting something, that to me gives a clear indication that he wants that item. I mean, that's fairly logical to think.

 

So if his birthday comes along and I buy said item for him, and he get's all anxious over it, upset, and so on, and then doesn't even thank me, well it's going to feel crap, isn't it?

 

It doesn't necessarily need to be a tattoo, it could be anything. The point is, your boyfriend thought he was doing a good thing in buying you this, he was excited to give it to you, and then you essentially throws a hissy fit and aren't happy. How confused would you be?!?

 

The guy was trying to do something nice!

 

Honestly lady, I would apologize. Make it VERY well known from now on what it is you want, and what it is you don't want. Even me reading your post I was confused over what it is you're actually wanting, no wonder the poor man is unhappy now and feeling in a bad place, he thought he was doing right!

 

Geez, it would make anyone never want to give a present again with that type of reaction!

 

Likewise ....agreed sherry ...with every word

[needAdvic]

I've apologised time and time again, explained to him I acted poorly and he had right to be upset/disappointed - I also thanked him and explained the situation in better terms once things had cooled down and I reflected (on the same day). For further context, when he was looking into his tattoo I offered to contribute to it for his birthday gift last year and he said he was against couples having anything to do with tattoos in case things don't work out - so his present really surprised me and unfortunately negative thoughts took over. Doesn't mean I'm not grateful and I have definitely apologised (I felt absolutely terrible and apologised before he even told me he was mad). I also believe he was just being nice and not trying to be controlling at all, which I have explained in my replies. The problem I'm having is that he won't listen to my apology or anything and I was hoping someone here might have some advice on how to talk it out with him and prove to him that I didn't mean it to be ungrateful. Obviously that may not be possible if he doesn't want to hear it, but of course I've tried to apologise.

[Rose Mosse]

I've apologised time and time again, ....

 

The problem I'm having is that he won't listen to my apology or anything and I was hoping someone here might have some advice on how to talk it out with him and prove to him that I didn't mean it to be ungrateful. Obviously that may not be possible if he doesn't want to hear it, but of course I've tried to apologise.

 

Do you have some idea of why he's behaving like this? You're willing to apologize and take on all if not most of the blame. This means you obviously feel he deserves the apology so why isn't the apology working? I'm asking to hear your thoughts - not simply tell you again what he is. People have already made you aware of the scenario in the worst case.

 

There very well could be other reasons. I'm curious to hear your thoughts because you know him best.

[Wiseman2]

So you are rewarding him for the abusive tantrums?

 

He's not interested in your apology because he would rather stay angry and make you feel awful.

 

Talk to your family. You need to stop grovelling and being a doormat. This is not about tattoos. It's about living in your own personal hell that you let him manufacturer for you.

[Batya33]

Do you have some idea of why he's behaving like this? You're willing to apologize and take on all if not most of the blame. This means you obviously feel he deserves the apology so why isn't the apology working? I'm asking to hear your thoughts - not simply tell you again what he is. People have already made you aware of the scenario in the worst case.

 

There very well could be other reasons. I'm curious to hear your thoughts because you know him best.

 

Yes, I agree with all of this. I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

[LaHermes]

Once more, with feeling:

 

OP said:

 

"He is a generally an angrier than usual person (as in, most of his emotions come out as anger) "

 

He is unable to act any other way, except through anger.

 

I agree Wiseman:

 

"You need to stop grovelling and being a doormat. This is not about tattoos. It's about living in your own personal hell that you let him manufacturer for you."

[bluecastle]

I've apologised time and time again, explained to him I acted poorly and he had right to be upset/disappointed - I also thanked him and explained the situation in better terms once things had cooled down and I reflected (on the same day)...The problem I'm having is that he won't listen to my apology or anything and I was hoping someone here might have some advice on how to talk it out with him and prove to him that I didn't mean it to be ungrateful.

 

Sorry about all this.

 

Echoing Rose, I'm curious what you think is behind this behavior. You have five years with him. Have you seen him hold onto anger—toward you—this long in the past? Do you feel that some of the issues touched on earlier could be at play here?

 

My advice, regarding the above question, is to take comfort in knowing your apology is sincere and genuine. That is a hard fact, whether or not he agrees at this present moment in time. In short, it has been expressed, multiple times, with sincerity, to the point where more groveling will just be inauthentic. Nothing will come of frantically continuing to bring it up, repeatedly trying to "prove" to him that you didn't mean to offend him.

 

So let it lie. He can meet your grace with grace of his own, or not. You two can move through this, together, or struggle to. If he can't, if the struggle extends? That's when you figure out how to address whatever is really going on here—why, in short, he is choosing to stay enraged about this. I really don't think this has much of anything to do with tattoos, the gift.