The best relationship of my life just ended

[ATimetoheal]

India. He does not want to be there either. There is even less opportunity for him there. But if things in china get really bad i guess it's his only choice right now. He will make it somewhere else eventually.

[boltnrun]

Would he be allowed to at least travel from China to India? And then could he travel from India to another country such as Canada or Mexico?

[Batya33]

I'm also sorry you're going through this OP. I'm 54. The summer I turned 39 my ex boyfriend and I got back together after being apart for almost 8 years. The twist was it was going to be long distance because of his job. The night we got back together -the third time we'd seen each other that summer (we'd seen each other once previously in the past 7-8 years for about 1.5 hours for a quick dinner) - we decided to get back together AND we also decided (1) we were ok with long distance since we would find a way to see each other every couple of weeks; (2) I was willing to relocate if we ended up getting married; and (3) it was absolutely not a fling - we were exclusive from the word go.

 

Had any of those things not been discussed or settled - I would not have gotten involved. Neither would he have. My point is -when we dated in our late 20s -and got engaged! - it was the wrong time. When we reconnected it was the right time and that timing, plus the undeniable chemistry and sparks, plus our having aligned goals and plans - meant that we gave it a go. We're married almost 12 years now. And yes I had to relocate.

 

And here's the contrast I see - you knew right away it would likely just be a fling because of geography (my future husband lived a 2 hour plane ride away so certainly much closer than you two). And even though you stayed together because you both realized you were crazy about each other the truth remains that you two still new the geography was a huge obstacle -even without covid! And so..... I think part of what kept the spark and chemistry going was it was safe. Both of you knew deep down that the likelihood of forever was remote at best. So of course it was always exciting - because you didn't have to consider all the responsibilities that would come with actual commitment, actual plans for marriage, for forever or long term togetherness in person. Yes he applied to umpteen jobs and yes you two worked hard to see what could be done. But again, that chemistry -my guess is - was that strong because you knew the timing was a deal breaker, you knew he was unavailable. And maybe he was worried that all that chemistry would not survive long term in person togetherness.

 

Another example. One rainy valentine's day night many years ago my friend met her future husband in her building's laundry room I believe he was in this country legally but needed to marry an American to improve his status (forgive me, I'm not an expert in these things). He truly loved her, he said he knew from that first night she would be his wife. They got married a little over a year later -I went to their wedding. She told me a couple of years ago that they actually went to city hall to get married 4 months after meeting so that he could stay here, etc. She said she knew he was the one, he knew the same. They've been married about 15 years now. From all I know they're very happy. They still live in the states. They were in their mid 30s (him) and late 30s (her) when they married. Some people can make that commitment after 4 months in person -it's dicey but they do it. Yes she agreed to the quick marriage because of practical reasons but their religious wedding ceremony over a year later -it was obvious they were awesome together.

 

I think your guy is very into you. For purposes of a new in person relationship. I do think that the sparse time you spent together, plus you both seeing this as a fling for much of that time - says to me that one or both of you just isn't ready to turn their lives completely upside down and sideways to be together in person with a real in person day to day relationship and commitment. Had I not known my husband very well before we did long distance (previous relationship with him was 2 years) no way would I have done the long distance -mostly fantasy -thing.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[ATimetoheal]

He's not your typical Indian and he hates it there. He grew up in Hong Kong. He was there since he was 3. He only went to canadian schools in Hong Kong. He is very westernized. If you met him you would think he was an american or a canadian.

 

Well right now India borders are closed because of the virus. He couldn't go even if he wanted to. Also the Indian Passport is the worst to have. You can't go anywhere hardly without a tourist visa. All visas are halted embassies are closed.

 

He does have USA tourist visa that is still good. he was going to visit me on my birthday in Jan and suffer the quarantine center in China. I don't know if i would have wanted him to though.

[ATimetoheal]

 

And here's the contrast I see - you knew right away it would likely just be a fling because of geography (my future husband lived a 2 hour plane ride away so certainly much closer than you two). And even though you stayed together because you both realized you were crazy about each other the truth remains that you two still new the geography was a huge obstacle -even without covid! And so..... I think part of what kept the spark and chemistry going was it was safe. Both of you knew deep down that the likelihood of forever was remote at best. So of course it was always exciting - because you didn't have to consider all the responsibilities that would come with actual commitment, actual plans for marriage, for forever or long term togetherness in person. Yes he applied to umpteen jobs and yes you two worked hard to see what could be done. But again, that chemistry -my guess is - was that strong because you knew the timing was a deal breaker, you knew he was unavailable. And maybe he was worried that all that chemistry would not survive long term in person togetherness.

 

 

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Batya you make very good points but I think you misunderstand. We did start as a fling but we very much thought we would be together long term. The only reason we stayed together for so long is because we had planned to close the gap and we kept holding onto hope throughout the virus. We had planned in October 2019 that he was 100% coming to school here to be with me since the job thing was not working out. We were to close the gap so that we could be together. We knew that we had to move together for it to work and had every intention to do so very early on into our relationship. He had set aside money and we were moving in together. His entire family knew that he was moving to America to go to school in August it was set. If living together went well we had every intention of getting married. We saw each other long term. We wanted to retire in costa rica and have a sloth sanctuary together. He was going to own a cafe and have the things i made there. it wasn't just a it's not going to work out for us thing. We very much thought it was going to work out. We had planned to see each other every other month and meet at different destinations until he moved here. We had not known that there would be a virus. He was already getting everything in order to move. He was taking his English examinations and was booking clients to save and lining up things here. We thought it would work. This adds to my misery. Just because we didn't just to get married after having face time with in person with for 3 months doesn't mean we didn't see each other as long term. We just didn't want to jump into a marriage without having adequate time together. We 100% had planned for him to move here in August and we had plans way into the future. Then COVID happened and everything fell apart.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Do you have family and friends whom you can lean on for moral support? If you do, it will help to communicate with them.

 

Whenever I feel awful, my coping mechanisms are the following: exercising regularly, eating smart, having moral support from family and friends and doing what I enjoy such as crafts (sewing quilts), watching great movies, reading books (autobiographies for me), decluttering, cleaning my home, cooking and after that, I'm too exhausted to do anything else.

 

I hope you can find outlets to occupy your time so you won't dwell on this break up as much.

 

I'm not sure if your neighbor is correct. I think your ex was being realistic given the circumstances and both of you residing on the opposite sides of the world.

 

One of these days, I hope you will accept this unfortunate situation and break up, however, it doesn't mean you have to like it.

 

Hang in there. I hope you will heal your old wounds someday.

[Rose Mosse]

You sound like you're in a lot of shock and immobilized because of the sudden loss. Things will start to make sense soon as soon as you start to allow yourself to accept and adjust to the changes. There is life outside of living in a relationship and that routine. I noticed that you mentioned the word "routine" more than once in your first post. You won't feel ok for awhile and then you will. Rome was not built in a day so cut yourself some slack. All the great things you're talking about - about your relationship and how you never fought - I believe it. I think you're in shock and things haven't sunk in for you yet.

 

Do all the brainstorming and talking you need to here. This is a good place to get all your thoughts out. There's also a journal section further down in the forum. I agree with the idea of not communicating with your ex. Let the dust settle and give yourself a few weeks to breathe and adjust.

[SherrySher]

Is there a chance you could reconcile in the future?

[ATimetoheal]

I don't know Sherry. That's what I want to keep communication open but I haven't said it or implied that we could to him. I think if I say it out loud to him or believe that that I won't be able to move on and i'll be one of those people wasting my life sitting around for something that might never be. The only immediate reconciliation that we can possibly have is if the safe harbor act is signed into law. Or if he somehow decided to come to school here. He does have the money but just enough. The current climate of finding a job here is what is stopping him. He can not afford to go to school and not find a job. The payments will be collected fast. But who knows. Things in China are getting worse everyday maybe he will just decided F it and come here. Right now the school visa is his only escape but he only has 1-2 months to pull the trigger on that. He has chosen not to because he does not want to be finically wiped out. He also needs to help his family. I understand that and understand how it would be a huge ask so I have accepted the reason. I don't think it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me. It's a legit reason. Would I spend all of the money i had in the world to be in a place i might not be able to stay in or find work. I have lost my job due to the pandemic so I can't even help. My dad is actually giving me money as it's been 8 months and i still haven't even gotten any unemployment. That is a whole other story.

[ATimetoheal]

 

I'm not sure if your neighbor is correct. I think your ex was being realistic given the circumstances and both of you residing on the opposite sides of the world.

 

.

 

I agree Cherly I don't believe her entirely. But it's a nice thought. She's a psychiatrist and brought it up from just a stand point that breakups usually don't happen in one shot. I have already accepted the break up which is why I am here. I am in less denial now that I was even yesterday after speaking with a friend about the work visa situation. He put it into perspective what I had not realized. That getting a work sponsorship here in the next few years will be nearly impossible because of things our government has done. Which actually hurts us because that talent is now going elsewhere.

 

Nonetheless it's a nice thought and you never know. I think I wrote it because i thought it was a nice thought. Technically he could come if he wanted to risk all of his savings. But if the situation in china gets worse or if the safe harbor act is passed you never know. I mostly think she meant that he will contact me wanting to wait it out longer.

 

I'm not counting on it nor am i waiting for it.

[ATimetoheal]

You sound like you're in a lot of shock and immobilized because of the sudden loss. Things will start to make sense soon as soon as you start to allow yourself to accept and adjust to the changes. There is life outside of living in a relationship and that routine. I noticed that you mentioned the word "routine" more than once in your first post. You won't feel ok for awhile and then you will. Rome was not built in a day so cut yourself some slack. All the great things you're talking about - about your relationship and how you never fought - I believe it. I think you're in shock and things haven't sunk in for you yet.

 

Do all the brainstorming and talking you need to here. This is a good place to get all your thoughts out. There's also a journal section further down in the forum. I agree with the idea of not communicating with your ex. Let the dust settle and give yourself a few weeks to breathe and adjust.

 

I am in shock and i loved him dearly despite not even seeing him for so long. You were right to point out that i called it routine because it is. I recognize that. We were on a schedule we did things daily it was a routine. We had a morning, and evening one. Morning he sent me good morning messages and i read everything that happened in his day we are on opposite sides of the world so he was awake while i slept. Although I have a sleep condition which makes me stay up super later mostly between 3-7AM which is one way we made this work. I was up for most of his day. I sent him a ton of messages during his sleep though. Then at night we talked more we watched shows, played games, or joined in on group online activities together. 8 months not being able to see each other and being inside because of a virus made it even more routine that it probably should have been. I have been inside longer because of the virus than most people. Being in china he alerted me of the virus at the end of Jan. It gave me time to prepare and I was scared because I live in manhattan so i stayed in early on. I'm glad i did because when we finally started testing for it well you know we had a ton of it.

[Hollyj]

Michelle

 

It is not that cut and dry. You make it seem so simple.

 

Not coming here now means that he will have to continue to put many things on hold in his life while sitting around waiting. I wouldn't expect that of anyone. We had a window. Him being able to leave now will probably take years.

 

I could have detailed more time sensitive dry things to make this post 10 pages long. Also i asked for positive things and tips you just read this and wanted to bash it and totally ignored my request.

 

He is also not an american the process is long he is 32 trying to start a career how long is expected for him to just sit around. He waited almost a year. He did not look for work here. He can not, not work any longer. he does not want to start a job just to leave it.

 

We already had not seen each other for 8 months. There is no end in sight. Do I even want to sit around for another 8 months not being able to see him I don't know.

 

I am not moving to China. With no freedom and as they are strong arming the city why would i move there. He wouldn't even want that for me. The fact that you even suggest that shows what little understand you have of current global issues.

 

 

I don't think that he wasn't committed. He was the sweetest guy who gave me all of his time. He jumped through hoops to try to get here. He jumps through hoops for me. Asking someone to put their life on hold for another year+ when they are in their prime career days is asking a lot. Our administration made it so that there are no H-1 visas and has slowed the process to take additional years. Everything was working against us. It's not that he threw in the towel. You just wanted to bash without even understanding the politics of china, becoming an american, or aspects of emigrating to a new country and the process and the time and what is in the realm of reason.

 

Neither of us wanted to break up. Sitting around for years is not logical for either of us.

 

You sound bitter.

 

Michele hit the nail on the head. It is that simple.

 

Time to take him off the pedestal. I am sorry that you are dealing with this pain.

[ATimetoheal]

I will continue to disagree. Having the only option to wipe out your savings, and no job and go back to a place where there is no real social support, and poor human rights. Bankrupt yourself and then go live in China how ludicrous. He needs to be ready to flee at any moment. I love him and I wouldn't want that for him or expect him to do that. That is only option to be with me that does not mean he is not good guy or that he doesn't love me. If i expected this conversely i would think I didn't love him that much and i would be a selfish and self serving person. That is an unreasonably high expectation for anyone to have for anyone to do for them. Thinking he does that or he's not good or worthy or love you is silly and unreasonable. It made sense for him to spend the money when he was going to save, and when coming here he had a good chance find a job but with the current situation there is a good chance that he will not find a job here

 

We exausted every avenue. He called me the day the last one was final. Told me why he wasn't sleeping all week. Other option is to spend an indefinite amount of time apart no less than 18 months to move here. Will Hong Kong even allow me in or him out we don't know it's an indefinite closure. And Again it's unreasonable. Do I want 18 months in an LDR on top of the 8 months i already went without seeing him. If i'm honest no. He is a great guy and was the best relationship I ever had. I am allowed to be sad about what happened without being told he didn't love me enough.

 

My relationship was good. We would be together if not for the virus and i don't see why that is such a hard thing to accept.

 

He was a great guy circumstances out of our control happened and we were forced to break up. It's the realistic thing to do. I will never think less of him. Neither of us wanted to break up.

[LootieTootie]

Although I have a sleep condition which makes me stay up super later mostly between 3-7AM which is one way we made this work. I was up for most of his day. I sent him a ton of messages during his sleep though. Then at night we talked more we watched shows, played games, or joined in on group online activities together. 8 months not being able to see each other and being inside because of a virus made it even more routine that it probably should have been.

 

So about 1-4 hours every day (or every night in your case) you guys spent time watching tv, playing online games or doing virtual activities... And this went on for 8 months. Not to mentioned you bombarded him with messages while he slept.

 

The breakdown here just seem to say the relationship wasn't cutting it for him any more - covid or no covid. That's okay... This is quite common with long distance relationships. It becomes hard work to commit/invest in someone so far away.

 

You stood by your belief that everything would get better and you and him would be together in the end. You now know he made a choice that he doesn't believe in that.

 

If he failed to see the light at the end of the covid tunnel, then you need to realize that this guy might not have been everything you cracked him up to be any way.

[ATimetoheal]

I'm sorry why do you assume that it is only me that pushed for being on the phone or tv that I was somehow a nucance and he was tired of me. He texted me while I slept too every single night. He was the one that asked me to skype nearly every day. One time I didn't respond about two weeks ago and he sent me an email worried about why i wasn't online. He started this pace not me. Why are you making me out to be some clingy person that drove my boyfriend away. He was trying to come here up until the very last day. I was involved up until the very last day. We broke up on the day the immigration consultant confirmed without the school we would be apart for 18 months. Then a conversation that we have had several times over the months. One where i iniated the first. I often checked to see where he was in the relationship and he did so with me. When we acknowledged that covid put our relationship in limbo with everything going on. We had talked about what would happen if we could not move to be near each other. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing. We were very open with each other we had great communication. I already knew this might happen months ago.

 

Why is expected that we both should spend 26 months apart including the 8 we did now and push on. I didn't say it wasn't reasonable just that I am upset about what happened. I came to this forumn for support to get over my pain. That's a really long time to sit around especially when we are both in our 30's. If we didn't agree to those terms or get married after only spending 3 months in person together why is one of us bad or had some ulterior motive. Our three choices were marraige, wait 18 more months, or he comes here and risks spending his entire savings on tuition is left with nothing and no job to be had.

 

Again coming here is near impossible right now. You read many of my threads but why not that. There are zero H1-B visas for the rest of 2020 unless you are exceptional. This will slow everything down for a couple years. There has been many anti-immigration policies enacted. We have lost 17 million jobs, we have the most cases in the world, and there are global travel bans.

 

Why can't it be for the reason I said it was. Why am I being told i'm wrong about my own relationship.

[Lambert]

Whether it was a choice or not, the result is the same. Don't dwell on it. Let it be and in time who knows what will happen.

 

The good news is: You can no longer say you only date jerks. You know now good guys exist. You enjoyed what you had and the next guy well have to live up to that. Your standards were upgraded. You know you'll find good, because you did in the past.

 

So you heal and take care of yourself. When this is over and times change, you'll be ready for your next chapter.

 

Yes. It sucks right now. Do your best to cope. Be patient with yourself but also push yourself. That's how you get through it. You endure bad times to get to the good times.

 

It's going to be ok. Focus on you

[ATimetoheal]

Thanks Lambert. Finally someone made me feel a little better.

[SherrySher]

This may sound like a daft question, but if neither of you have anything else going on and no interest in anyone else, then why not keep on and see how it goes with Covid? I personally would rather suffer with him, waiting it out, then to suffer all alone and lose all hope. The only thing that would change anything would be if either one of us found someone else.

[ATimetoheal]

I thought about asking that. But that i wasn't sure if it would be a healthy decision Sherry

[SherrySher]

How come?

 

I mean, you'll get more time together, it might work out but if you toss it all now, then it's a definite failure and definite misery.

[ATimetoheal]

That's true i guess I could ask.

[limichelle]

I wonder the same thing.

 

Since you both have a happy relationship, why not keep it going?

 

I get that distance is a major hurdle right now but it may not always be that way.

[SherrySher]

I have two friends, they are in two different countries. They love each other but can't be together right now either.

God only knows how long this pandemic will go on, but they both like spending time together and neither is going anywhere right now, so they are going to keep on and see how it goes....I mean, might as well. Then at least they get to be together online and give each other company, etc. The pandemic might be sorted quicker than you think and you can start on plans together again.

 

But if you throw it all away right now, then it's done and over with and no chance. Even if you try to reconcile in the future, it's not going to be the same.

 

If he is interested in someone else, or if you were, then I could see why you're doing this, but if neither of you are, then why put yourselves into massive misery? Being apart is bad enough, but losing all hope is dreadful.

You guys aren't the only couple struggling like this, but you are giving up where as many others are not.

[ATimetoheal]

I asked him he said he wants to do it. But only if it doesn't give me false hope because we still don't know what will happen and one of us might move on because it's a really long time. Not sure if this is healthy i have to think.

 

Part of me feels it is not. I asked him to call.

[SherrySher]

AT, love like you two have only comes once in a lifetime, you don't throw that away just because times are tough.

 

But you need to be sure that both of you want this and both of you truly do love each other.

 

There is a pandemic, thousands of couples are forced to be separated right now, even married couples. But they are still not giving up hope, they are still spending every precious minute together that they can, online.

 

Why not at least spend time together, do as you would have normally done and then wait it out, like thousands others are. You both deserve that.

 

You can always throw in the towel down the road if you both decide it's making you too sad, however, it sounds like you're both just frustrated right now (and reasonable so) but that's not a reason to lose each other completely.