The best relationship of my life just ended

[SherrySher]

I initially had the same thoughts, but once you've explained it all and the talk you and he had, I think both of you cared very much. But you're both being logical about it all, and truthfully, that's all you can do right now.

 

It's a heart breaking thing, but no use in holding out hope for something that is close to an impossibility. It would be different if he had the money and was just waiting for the go ahead, or if he knew he would be able to get into your country, go to school or marry or get sponsored by a job, but like you've said, he's exhausted all of the options and none of them work out.

 

I think you both have been honest with one another and with yourselves and you're both being reasonable to admit that this just isn't something that can happen, unless a miracle happens.

 

I feel for you both as it's very difficult to let a dream go. You had it all planned out, things have changed so drastically that it has caused major damage to many people, you two being one of them.

I don't doubt your feelings for one another. But you can't place your future on extremely slim to no chance.

 

Hang in there, AT. Talking this all through will help. It will not only help you process but it will help with the grieving as well. It's not an easy thing to accept, but I think you're both strong enough to accept this and move forward. You can still have a glimmer of hope left but you would both be right in not staking your future on it.

[LaHermes]

I am not "reaching" at anything OP? What makes you think that?

 

I wondered when you said:

 

"I always pick bad men.""

 

So OK it is picked. Past tense.

 

Ultimately, OP, you must decide what is best for you, and I can see you are very upset about current circumstances. Life is unfair.

[Wiseman2]

Were you ever concerned that he thought of you that way? He seems to go on and on a lot about his visa woes.

He doesn't need to go to school. It was a vehichle for him to get here.

[ATimetoheal]

Were you ever concerned that he thought of you that way? He seems to go on and on a lot about his visa woes.

 

 

No because we both don't want to get married. That is the easiest way and cost a fraction of the school. We both don't want to rush into a marriage with no face time. We have good communication and we are open and honest. I don't think of him as someone with motives, or sneaky tricks. He still wants to come to America if I am part of the process he would cling to me. But he is not a bad guy he is not that type of guy.

 

I keep talking about visa problems because that's how you come here. Our current government is anti immigration, and the virus has exasperated that I keep talking about Visas because that is why we can not be together. If he had one he would be here. If I was a vehichle for him to get one and he was using me he would have one. How am I going to get him a visa? Unless I marry him. If his only option was school then I am already useless to him he doesn't need me to get here.

 

If you do not know anyone who has tried to emigrate to america then you can not understand that everyone has these problems. He wanted to come to america because they had good jobs for his field and I was here. He can not just come here and stay. If our relationship was to work we had to close the distance and we discovered that getting a visa is very difficult. If he had thought of me in that way school is the most expensive way for him to come here. He could pay a stranger to marry him for less even. The school is also the most risky because he is not guaranteed a job or any sponsorship after paying 60K. The degree is also mostly useless to him because it's a shell school. He already has two degrees from some of the best schools in the world. This was a 3rd tier school that only had classes two weekends per month. Most people who want to come to America will have these problems. It is very hard to come here. Now it is even harder because of COVID. We wanted our relationship to be long term it was the way we figured out how to get him here. He wanted to get a green card on his own he wanted his own job his own sponsorship. That was important to him.

[ATimetoheal]

I initially had the same thoughts, but once you've explained it all and the talk you and he had, I think both of you cared very much. But you're both being logical about it all, and truthfully, that's all you can do right now.

 

It's a heart breaking thing, but no use in holding out hope for something that is close to an impossibility. It would be different if he had the money and was just waiting for the go ahead, or if he knew he would be able to get into your country, go to school or marry or get sponsored by a job, but like you've said, he's exhausted all of the options and none of them work out.

 

I think you both have been honest with one another and with yourselves and you're both being reasonable to admit that this just isn't something that can happen, unless a miracle happens.

 

I feel for you both as it's very difficult to let a dream go. You had it all planned out, things have changed so drastically that it has caused major damage to many people, you two being one of them.

I don't doubt your feelings for one another. But you can't place your future on extremely slim to no chance.

 

Hang in there, AT. Talking this all through will help. It will not only help you process but it will help with the grieving as well. It's not an easy thing to accept, but I think you're both strong enough to accept this and move forward. You can still have a glimmer of hope left but you would both be right in not staking your future on it.

 

Thanks Sherry we both know that the chances of it are very slim. Slimmer that some way will pop up in the short term. We are moving on but open to each other if everything aligns. I am going to try to move on when I feel ready to go out. Although covid doesn't help. I was feeling really anxious this morning about this and well other things and he really helped me get out of it. He already knows everything that I am going though. I'm glad that you suggested that we be there for each other at the very least during these times of isolation.

 

Although i'm still a little concerned that he was too quick to go back to normal habits. He is heavy on the communication since i brought it up and that this might be unhealthy. I am going out with a friend today and will discuss with someone who knows us.

[LootieTootie]

Since i asked yesterday if we should stay in touch he's clinging to me way more than I am to him. He called 2x and texted me like 15 while i was sleeping.

 

The same guy who dumped you. And please I am in no way shape or form saying he is a bad dude but I do find this quite revealing. He dumped you. You talked to him. You accept the breakup. But its back to normal between you and him. He becomes clingy. You wondered if this is ok. Someone on here tells you its ok to have him as a bandaid. You rightfully wonder if this is healthy.

 

Sounds like you both have an unhealthy dependency on each other's happiness and each other's sanity - covid or no covid. This might have been the best relationship you've had but I think you need some time to yourself and meditate about this...without anyone in the background.

 

You might be able to see things more objectively.

[SherrySher]

Someone on here tells you its ok to have him as a bandaid.

 

Someone is me.

And I didn't advise that as a tactic to have an unhealthy dependence of each other. I advised it more so as a way that they could let each other go in their own time being as there is no more chance of it working out.

I felt that both of them had accepted the reality of it being over and instead of a quick dump and chuck, having the odd time of talking till they both felt it was okay to let it go completely, wasn't too bad of a thing. After all, neither sounded as though they had any misconstrued ideas over what it meant.

 

I also didn't feel it was a "dump" per se, but rather more like running out of any kind of options of it being a reality. Which it sounds as though they did talk it through, exhaustively, and both realized it wasn't going to happen.

 

Being from two different countries AND a global pandemic really does make things incredibly difficult and it's not just a matter of him deciding he had enough or not being interested.

At least not from what I understood.

[Batya33]

I completely disagree with your generalization about men being more logical in matters of love and romance and commitment. Especially when you use that as a justification as to why he gave up first because of the obstacles. Why he's talking about how it's likely you'll each meet other people in the time apart. That's true -it's a likelihood -but the fact that he could bring himself to say that out loud tells me he is just not feeling as strongly as you are - no matter how "open and honest" you are with each other. When I finally connected at the right time and in the right way with my future husband I knew logically there could be other men out there who would be "better" than him - only because as a technical matter I'd only dated half the men on the planet lol - but this technicality, this objective truth -was completely irrelevant to me because I found my one.

 

So if we'd had the obstacles you two have and realized it just wasn't going to happen I too might have made myself walk away -just like if for example one of us found out the other was still married or something crazy like that - but no matter how open and honest I was with my partner I couldn't ever see having a discussion about how we're likely to meet other people. That's just me.

 

So then you're ok with him telling you if you stay in touch about some cute gal who turned his head and how he plans to ask her out - that's what friends talk about. And you said you have no jealousy -so it sounds like you two can be long distance buddies in every way? I don't know - something tells me that you harp on all this openness and honesty and the "communication" but perhaps more to rationalize as to why he's talking about the likelihood of meeting another woman and yet wanting to keep in touch because your "communication" is so awesome? I'd just take a much simpler approach here -with yourself - go for blunt honesty -with yourself - and avoid the temptation to cover it over with fancier relationship-ey/psychospeak. Telling you exactly what I made myself do when I didn't want to be open and honest -with myself.

[LootieTootie]

Someone is me.

And I didn't advise that as a tactic to have an unhealthy dependence of each other. I advised it more so as a way that they could let each other go in their own time being as there is no more chance of it working out.

 

 

Thank you for clarifying what you meant, Sherry. I disagree with the letting each other go on their own time. If you are in love with someone still, I don't think you should have any contact with them after a break up until you are completely over them. The guy dumped her (from her original post) and now acting strangely clingy but gave this response:..."I also asked if he would visit me in the time between canada if the borders opened and again it was a fair answer that it depends on if we met someone and how we feel."

 

Its almost as if he has given himself a pass just in case it doesn't work out even if the borders opened up. Imagine waiting all that time and putting all that effort in to someone (who has already dumped you) and 2 years down the road he meets someone. He can say "oh I caught feeling for another person... sorry I won't be moving to the States to be with you any more. Remember I told you to be realistic and that feelings can change?"

 

Yikes!

[SherrySher]

If you are in love with someone still, I don't think you should have any contact with them after a break up until you are completely over them.

 

You could be right. I think it's up to OP at the end of the day which works best for her.

[Billie28]

You mention you are tired of people telling you the same thing over and over.

Yet you are saying the same thing over and over.

 

So it’s only natural that you are going to continue to get the same response time and time again.

 

The difference is that you are one person repeating yourself yet responses are coming from multiple people.

 

So trust those responses!

 

“He is more over it and at terms than me because like many men he has thought about this. I am aware of this none of you are telling me something I don't know.”

 

He is over it because men think about it? And women don’t?

Is this a cultural belief???

 

By your post I’m pretty sure you’ve thought about it more than him

But just haven’t applied logic?

 

So you want advice on how to deal with a break up?

The first thing is to accept its broken. Regardless of the reason why?

The reason doesn’t matter anymore.

 

Staying in contact with an ex is futile.

So block him .

 

There is the advice yuu seek.

[Wiseman2]

Why not plan your own happiness and your own future? You can retire in Costa Rica without him. You can do volunteer work without him. You can open a sloth sanctuary without him.

In other words most of the stuff you are taking about has nothing to do with him and most of the stuff he's talking about is only getting out of India, he doesn't even care where to, as long as it's North America.

[Cherylyn]

I agree Cherly I don't believe her entirely. But it's a nice thought. She's a psychiatrist and brought it up from just a stand point that breakups usually don't happen in one shot. I have already accepted the break up which is why I am here. I am in less denial now that I was even yesterday after speaking with a friend about the work visa situation. He put it into perspective what I had not realized. That getting a work sponsorship here in the next few years will be nearly impossible because of things our government has done. Which actually hurts us because that talent is now going elsewhere.

 

Nonetheless it's a nice thought and you never know. I think I wrote it because i thought it was a nice thought. Technically he could come if he wanted to risk all of his savings. But if the situation in china gets worse or if the safe harbor act is passed you never know. I mostly think she meant that he will contact me wanting to wait it out longer.

 

I'm not counting on it nor am i waiting for it.

 

Thank you, ATimetoheal.

 

Your relationship is too complicated and impractical.

 

I've noticed that the majority of successful relationships and marriages are smooth and easy regarding sound economics (jobs / comfortable standard of living), mutual high quality characters, religion or non-religion, good health and those top four priorities. If something is amiss, then often times, relationships struggle, flounder and fail.

 

Everyone wishes for relationships to thrive, however, it's important to remain realistic regarding circumstances and situations first and then decisions will dictate which direction to go.