The best relationship of my life just ended

[limichelle]

If you do feel it’s not right then don’t push yourself into anything.

[SherrySher]

Listen to your heart.

 

Are you going to be more miserable with him and waiting this out and it being long distance or will you be more miserable giving him up completely and letting it all go?

[limichelle]

I agree with Sherry,

 

I hope it works out.

 

My brother started to talking to someone from a gaming site a couple months ago who lives in London. He lives in the United States. Because of COVID they can’t meet but enjoy getting to know each other in hopes of that meeting to come.

[Rose Mosse]

I asked him he said he wants to do it. But only if it doesn't give me false hope because we still don't know what will happen and one of us might move on because it's a really long time. Not sure if this is healthy i have to think.

 

Part of me feels it is not. I asked him to call.

 

I'm going to come at this from a different angle so please hear me out. Call me a skeptic but I'm not entirely sold on his lukewarm "Yes, okay but don't hang on too tight to me because I don't know what other unforeseen circumstances there might be." It's entirely possible that you are in the throes of total devastation and heartache and shock and it doesn't sound like you were with each other long enough to really experience tough times together. I'm also leery that he's having troubles on the work/job front and his self-esteem has taken a huge hit. His response to this was a meltdown of sorts and he called it quits on the relationship, one that to you, appeared very shimmery and close to perfect.

 

He may still have feelings for you but you don't know and nor can you control someone's self-confidence or self-esteem levels. If he has a lot of work to do for himself or he's feeling constantly down and upset about his personal situation outside of the relationship, that's a clear indicator this person doesn't have what it takes to keep a long term relationship going. Love isn't enough to carry through difficult times or tough times. I'm really not impressed by his response "only if it doesn't give you false hope because we still don't know what will happen..." etc. Well, here's a wake up call if there ever was one: do we ever really know what will happen in life? Is this what his response is when there are bumps in the road?

 

I don't blame you for wanting to give it a go and for your own sense of closure, sure, why not. I think it pays to be a bit wary and don't go all in or lap up everything he says. This person has already shown you how tough he is in times of crisis and what parts of his life he can do without when he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Let time do the talking and be wary.

[limichelle]

Rose has a valid point. I’m wanting it to work out for you OP because I’m a cheerleader when it comes to love and happy endings. I just caught the part though where he says not to get your hopes up. You want someone to fight for you and say “Yes, I’ll never give up on you.” That’s somebody you need, not “let’s just see...”

 

Maybe that’s why you’re feeling iffy yourself and why it’s not healthy.

[SherrySher]

I third it...the reply of, okay, but don't get your hopes up, isn't exactly heat warming, is it?

 

Why is he willing to let this go? If it truly was a once in a lifetime love for him, he'd be hanging on tightly, especially if he is feeling lost and disappointed in other areas of his life.

 

I don't know, maybe he is also feeling like a failure and doesn't want to bring you down with him? If that's the case, then all the more reason to show each other how much you mean to one another.

 

Only you know for sure, OP.

[ATimetoheal]

Ok so we had a long skype call 2 1/2 hours. I don't know how i feel about it. I feel I was actually able to let go more after talking to him perhaps.

 

So we talked about it and I asked a million questions that I didn't even ask on the breakup. I wasn't expecting it so i left abruptly. Anyhow i'm not sure how I feel about this plan.

 

So I mentioned that i posted on a forum not where though. First i brought up ulterior motives for the break up he said go back and tell everyone there was not motive or that he was tired of me or anything along those lines lol. He wanted to be here until the day he had the final realization that it was not a possibility.

 

Second i mentioned the lack of will. And we agreed there was some to the point that wasn't even there a month ago because of the virus. However, he said if he had no will school would have been on off the table for a long time and he just took it off two days ago. It really is a hard burden for him. He wouldn't have clung onto it for so long. It was over the last few weeks he has been down and was starting to sink into the reality of the situation that there was no way for us to be together. He can not afford the school period. we talked about that. Covid has made him poor as he is spending more money than he has made. If he does get to emigrate to Canada he has to show financial resources so the school would shoot him in the foot even more if he did that. The process to move to Canada is the same as it is for me I thought he had it easier so that is not even guaranteed but if it happens it will be at least a year because of the virus. This is one reason he told me he is open to talking but does not want me to cling onto false hope. He might not even get into Canada and it's still going to be a long wait because the virus has halted the process. Also there is always the possibility he doesn't even get in.

 

The school is off the table the #1 reason being that he can not afford it now. He said if he had even 2x the savings which he was supposed to from working he would be going without question but he doesn't even have enough to cover both years. Again because of this damn virus.

 

Now the focus has to be Canada. He doesn't even expect that travel restrictions will be lifted from hong kong by the end of January. So we would have to be apart for over a year. We both agreed that we probably can't go that long without any intimacy etc even this 8 months has been so hard. So I took what Sherry said and I said we can talk see what happens at the end of the tunnel. He has no desire to date right now but he thinks that we will both meet someone before he makes it to Canada. Another reason he told me he is up for it long as we don't have cling to us making it to canada. Now I am sure some people will comment that he just wants to have you and be his plan B. That could be true but I didn't feel that way from our conversation he was just being logical. Second I don't 100% disagree with that I am 38 1/2 now I am getting up there and I don't know if I want to sit around for what would be a total 20 months hanging onto something that still might not happen. So it's not unreasonable.

 

Our final thing was when he makes it to canada if we are both single and still want to try we should. But since it is so far away it makes the chances low. But we agreed that we would want to.

 

 

But talking for so long how slim the chances are, in depth understanding of our current situation and how all of the forces are against it I actually feel more at terms with accepting that this just might be dead. It was the best relationship I had and then covid ruined it. I know that the part of me that wants to be with him is doing mental gemnastics to think of ways it could work but even when I started the thread and defended him I understood that my situation was a pretty screwed one and I am sad because of it.

 

 

I don't know if i should talk to him. I don't know if this is healthy for me at all. Would it be better for me to just be sad and accept the reality of what it is. I know that if i stop talking to him then I am completely closing the door on this. But then if i talk to him is that healthy? I am not over it. I don't believe you can get over someone by talking to them. I can talk to him later but if we met someone we would have to stop anyway because that would be wrong. Yet at the same time I agree that will and passion and lust has faded even for me because 8 months without seeing each other and touching each other is a damn long time and who knows when this will end. Even back in march I was so excited to see him and so giddy. But now that so much time has passed it is not the same feeling.

 

I also asked if he would visit me in the time between canada if the borders opened and again it was a fair answer that it depends on if we met someone and how we feel. Again who knows how long it will be.

 

I just feel numb right now.

[SherrySher]

To be honest, now that you've written it all out like that, he sounds reasonable and it sounds as though he has explained it completely, without leaving any stone unturned.

 

I do feel for you, because it's a shame that it all had to go down like this, but I think it's reasonable to assume that the chances of you two being together have indeed gotten to be quite small.

 

It wouldn't make a lot of sense to hold onto something that might never be, and to potentially stop yourself from engaging with other men or seeing what other possibilities might be out there. Not right away, granted, but eventually.

 

I hope that talking it through has helped you see it clearer now and hopefully will help you to come to terms with everything, albeit with obvious sadness.

This virus has caused a lot of damage and a lot of heartache. I am sorry it has affected both of you like this. It's not fair.

[ATimetoheal]

Yes sherry I know. That is what i a have been defending this entire time. We have tried and it just does not feel possible.

 

Talking to him did make me feel better. He always makes me feel better. We always had great communication even about uncomfortable things it is one of the reasons our relationship felt so good for me.

 

He said he was saving stuff to send me without thinking and he sent me a bunch of things lol. Funny photos as he sends everyday. That made me feel sad.

 

I don't want to lose him as a friend. Talking to him did make me feel better but I don't know what I want to do from here. It's just so crappy. And now he is messaging me random things right now as he did before. because I asked that question he is treating it like nothing has happened. I have to make a decision. Is this healthy? I feel fine right now but it could be just because i had a long chat. I feel like i might be able to accept it but who knows. He's texting me like nothing happened I feel like a band aid for him as well. But then I don't know if i can sit in my apartment alone and feel sad all day long not going out because of the virus. Maybe in this instance it's ok to have band aids?

 

I don't know anything anymore.

[SherrySher]

It's okay to have bandaids. Just as long as you're both being realistic, which I know you both are.

[Billie28]

Your words ....

“We have not spent enough in-person time together. The time and the distance most likely made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade”

 

He is simply not as interested as you are. That’s what happens with the majority of long distance relationships.

It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for the distance. Could be financial , covid or many numerous other reasons.

If there is a will there is a way.

But on his part there is no will.

Not financially or romantically . Whatever his will was born from in the first instance. It’s actually very unclear as to what that was anyway?

 

You barely know this guy , yet writing essays on him?

Sorry , but in your opening post you wrote how it took you 37 years to find him?

That’s over the top dramatic since I doubt you started dating at one year old.

 

Take a giant step back to a year ago before you knew this guy even existed!

What made you even entertain him in the first place? And why a year later , having barely spent time in person are you apparently devastated? Your life hasn’t changed but it seems your perspective has?

Does that not concern you??

[Wiseman2]

Have you talked to your doctor about it? You seem isolated and distraught. Did you go off the medication?

[Lambert]

Well, OP... Time to take lemons and make lemonade... Too much unknown and no answers anytime soon with him. Focus on some personal goals for now. At the end of the day, not much has really changed. Phone calls etc are fine considering the situation. I know that's all I really have,too. But when you find someone that is local and you can be together in person, you'll see what this situation lacked.

 

Sometimes we settle because we don't know what we're missing. A guy that says don't get your hopes up, is not worth as much as the guy that will say you jump, I jump! Even if he is great in other ways. Life is challenging... Yes it's beautiful, too... But when times get tough,you see what a person has.

 

Try not to take it personal. I struggled for a long time over a break up. Like you, really liked the guy and saw a future. It ended and it can still be tough because it was special. But I lean on my faith. I'm worth more. Stay strong and don't give up on you!

[boltnrun]

One thing I'm curious about...how come he is just now attending school? He is in his mid to late 30s, correct?

 

What was he doing for work before this?

[Batya33]

My sense is there's an imbalance here. You are more into him and the relationship than he is to you. That's why he's able to be so logical and realistic about how within a year you likely -both of you -would meet someone else/someone local. Stay in touch with him if you're ok with knowing he is trying to meet other people or if it would make you crazy/overthink what he is saying/not saying that leads you to believe that someone else has turned his head. I'd want to be sick if I were you -I've been in similar situations and did a lot of cyberstalking in my day to figure stuff out. Not because of cheating --he wouldn't be cheating - - but the not knowing, the speculating. Wow. So I would stay in contact only if you're comfortable with that.

[Wiseman2]

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage in his culture?

India. He does not want to be there either. There is even less opportunity for him there. But if things in china get really bad i guess it's his only choice right now. He will make it somewhere else eventually.

[Rose Mosse]

Having bumped around and moved around so much in 2020 amidst all that's happening would also disorient anyone so I have to think of this man kicked about all over the globe and torn in different directions. It's no wonder he's half out of his mind and lost his wits. There's very little holding him together especially if extended network of friends and family are dispersed and he's culturally disconnected from his home country. His girlfriend or ex-gf is in another country and so was his education and his ties abroad. He sounds splintered and shattered in different directions.

 

Add to all this, his masters that he's been working towards is not proving to be of any use. His self-confidence is in the gutter.

 

I think he has a lot of work to do on himself, maybe more soul-searching? A little more grounding before settling down with anyone or having enough of himself to give to a long term relationship? There simply isn't enough of him to give right now. He may not even know it and he may be blaming it on the long distance and covid. Open your eyes - this is much more than covid or difficulties with travel. I really don't think there's enough of himself to give at all.

[ATimetoheal]

Your words ....

“We have not spent enough in-person time together. The time and the distance most likely made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade”

 

He is simply not as interested as you are. That’s what happens with the majority of long distance relationships.

It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for the distance. Could be financial , covid or many numerous other reasons.

If there is a will there is a way.

But on his part there is no will.

Not financially or romantically . Whatever his will was born from in the first instance. It’s actually very unclear as to what that was anyway?

 

You barely know this guy , yet writing essays on him?

Sorry , but in your opening post you wrote how it took you 37 years to find him?

That’s over the top dramatic since I doubt you started dating at one year old.

 

Take a giant step back to a year ago before you knew this guy even existed!

What made you even entertain him in the first place? And why a year later , having barely spent time in person are you apparently devastated? Your life hasn’t changed but it seems your perspective has?

Does that not concern you??

 

We don't have to be together in person all of the time to have a good relationship. We spent three months in person but I have spent more time with than I have with my relationships that have lasted years. For the reason that we are in constant contact. We have great chemistry. We communicate well. You don't have to be in person all of the time to love someone or forge a deep emotional connection to them. However, you can only be apart for so long.

 

I didn't mean my opening line to be literal.

 

He was my best relationship. I have never had this conneciton with anyone. Regardless of the amount of time we have spent together we had the best chemistry. You do not know my other relationships and how are you going to tell me I am wrong. He is a great guy, we never ran out of things to talk about, everything was so easy for us, communications was amazing, and I have zero complaints about him. He was the best. Regardless of the time in person. That is for me to rank not you.

 

He does not have money for school. You are saying he has no will? Is he suppose dot pull money out of the air? He is a foriegner there are no student loans. He should go to another country spent every dollar he has and just be ok with it or he's not a good guy or not into it. That is the most entitledm selfish self centered way of thinking I have ever heard. If you expect someone anyone to just spend every single dollar they own on you. Otherwise they don't want to be with you. Then America lost 17 million jobs and there is no H1 visa and it has been delayed so he spends all of the money he owns or doesn't even own enough of and then what?

 

Our only options to be together are marraige after not enough face time, school he can't afford because he could not find work, or move to canada which will take 12-18 more months.

 

Tired of people telling me this.

[ATimetoheal]

He doesn't need to go to school. he has two degrees. He was going to the school to be with me. It was a way in since he could not find a job from abroad. He has no interest in that degree. It was like paying for a visa for 2 years. This school allowed him to find a job while he was enrolled and was only two weekends per month. It was a vehichle for him to get here.

[ATimetoheal]

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage in his culture?

 

No he can marry whoever he wants.

[ATimetoheal]

My sense is there's an imbalance here. You are more into him and the relationship than he is to you. That's why he's able to be so logical and realistic about how within a year you likely -both of you -would meet someone else/someone local. Stay in touch with him if you're ok with knowing he is trying to meet other people or if it would make you crazy/overthink what he is saying/not saying that leads you to believe that someone else has turned his head. I'd want to be sick if I were you -I've been in similar situations and did a lot of cyberstalking in my day to figure stuff out. Not because of cheating --he wouldn't be cheating - - but the not knowing, the speculating. Wow. So I would stay in contact only if you're comfortable with that.

 

He is more over it and at terms than me because like many men he has thought about this. I am aware of this none of you are telling me something I don't know. We have good communicatin we discussed this. He began not sleeping a few weeks ago because it started to sink in that he wasn't going to be able to do the school and he had heard back from the school in Canada to confirm his masters for the applicatin to emigrate that they were backlogged with thousands of applications and no one is there. He had time to think realistically. He didn't tell me this was going through his head because he didn't want to stress me and wanted to be sure. He is a few weeks ahead of me. You all are making me out to be like someone holding onto it. Not once on this thread on any of my many posts did i say I was trying to recover the relationship in any way. I came here to be sad and find positivity. Instead I feel that I am being constantly attacked, being told how my relationship was by complete strangers, and i'm being told how I feel.

 

I had accepted the break up. Sherry mentioned why don't we keep in touch until the end of the covid tunnel to see where it goes. I have 100% accepted the break up. I am not trying to activley get back with him at this time. We can not be together right now. It is not beynd the covid we have tried everything. None of you were in my relationship nor do you know how much we tried for months to get him over here.

 

I would also like to start dating. I am not a jealous person I will not cyber stalk, there was no jelaousy in our relationship. I would like to date as well. I don't think it is reasonable to sit around waiting 20-26 months for someone that I can not physically be with and don't even have a garuntee on. 8 months has been hard enough.

 

I am just trying to get through a break up. We have good connection so we agreed to leave the door open. I am not chasing him to change his mind or anything. I equally agree that the relationship can not proceed currently. that is what i keep repeating and why I keep defending him I don't understand why everyone else is comming up with these other agendas for me.

 

We mentioned that we were open to it if we could finally come together in the future if we were single. But I didn't say that I wanted to sit around for 20-26 months. No that's crazy.

 

I asked if it was a good idea to support each other and be in contact during these times. Would it make the process worse. That's all.

[limichelle]

No offense but you seem defensive whenever anybody tries to offer you advice? Why is that? I get you’re upset over this but people on this forum have given you really sound advice. There’s always more to things that outside people can provide to help you see.

[ATimetoheal]

I'm not trying to be offensive. I'm feeling frustraighted because I feel like I explained myself but it's a cycle of the same things. I have taken some advice and I thanked people for it. But I keep explaining why we can't be together and people keep telling me it's something else. its frustraighting.

 

It's like expected he wipe out his entire savings account or he doesn't care about me. Plus he doesn't even have enough. He lives in china he can't get a loan for a school in america or i don't know what people expect him to do. We can't go anywhere. He can't leave his country without having to sit in a gov quarentine center. We don't want to get shot gun married. What is he supposed to do? That showes he cares about me.

 

This is a hard time for me and I it feels insulting that people keep telling me he's a bad guy that didn't really care all that much or doesn't currently care all that much about me.

 

Since i asked yesterday if we should stay in touch he's clinging to me way more than I am to him. He called 2x and texted me like 15 while i was sleeping.

 

It's confusing and sad for us both and I just kinda regret comming on this forumn all together it's making me feel worse.

[LaHermes]

Just something you said at the beginning OP.

 

"And now, I will be alone in this tiny apartment devastated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this?

 

What do I do? How do I move on from this? I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men."

 

And this is a little puzzling:

 

"My neighbor thinks he'll think he made a mistake in a week or two."

 

A mistake?

[ATimetoheal]

Just something you said at the beginning OP.

 

"And now, I will be alone in this tiny apartment devastated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this?

 

What do I do? How do I move on from this? I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men."

 

Yes I was aksing for advice to get though my breakup it's why I came here like tips it was a forumn for healing i think i misunderstood what this is. I am sad I have not denied that. I am terribly sad over this. We had plans we have a strong bond. He should be here now.

 

He was the best guy i have had. In the past I have always picked bad men.

 

Mistake as in throwing in the towel. Was just expressing mysadness. If it was misconstrued sorry. But I haven't been vocal about reconciling it right now or did i mention a personal desire to do so at this moment because we don't have options. We are not getting married that literally the only one right now other than canada being so far off. That was a statement of my neighbors, not mine. We have no options. I was just very sad why i came here. Don't know why i wrote that it was just a conversation I just walked away from moments before coming here. It made me feel better hearing it even though I knew there was nothing we could do at the moment. Maybe that's why i wrote it don't know.