Why did he disappear?

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to get your life, job, childcare etc more organized before you try to date. Where is the child's father? Do you live with family? How difficult is it to arrange babysitting if you need to go out?

[kiwistwbry]

I rather doubt it, as he sounds like he's already lost interest.

 

However, you could try actually calling him. You yourself said you don't like texting, so you could take the initiative and reach out and have a live conversation. See if he would like to meet on X day at X time. If he doesn't respond and doesn't call back, you'll have your answer.

 

Okay this sounds possible. Thanks so much.

[kiwistwbry]

It would be best to get your life, job, childcare etc more organized before you try to date. Where is the child's father? Do you live with family? How difficult is it to arrange babysitting if you need to go out?

 

My son’s dad lives in South Korea making me his sole guardian. This guy I’ve been talking to knows this, which is probably why he offered for my son to come with. I live on my own and only have a few separate relatives who could watch him, so finding childcare can be difficult at times.

[Wiseman2]

Well the issue still remains that he tried but you shot him down with a plethora of excuses.

[kiwistwbry]

Well the issue still remains that he tried but you shot him down with a plethora of excuses.

 

I get it. But an excuse is given with no alternative. I was busy on the Monday afternoon he suggested, therefore I let him know my availability outside of work so he could offer up another day, which he never did for the rest of that week. He also took days to follow-up, and on top of that, when I did give an alternative (Wednesday or Thursday) to my other “excuse” for the following Tuesday suggested by him, he blatantly ignored it. He also seemed rather busy himself. So he’s not exactly perfect in all of this. One of the first commenters in this thread did describe him as wishy washy and not trying to make solid plans with me.

[Wiseman2]

Ok maybe he's just too busy or not that interested. All you can do is text once more with a "let's get together, let me know when you're free" type of thing or wait for him to contact you or just forget the whole idea.

[Batya33]

“Guy: Are you free Monday afternoon?

 

Me: Monday is full until 5. Weekdays are generally busy, with evenings being more possible. Weekends are best.”

 

Your answer to are you free Monday afternoon should have been a yes? And elaborate from 5pm?

 

But then you went on to tell someone you know works in hospitality that weekends are best for you? You surely would have assumed that’s not best for him?

 

Later you text him saying that there are other things you want to do if he is not free the weekend?

Which is basically telling him to commit now to something or don’t bother.

So, he didn’t bother.

 

It sounds like you have made things more difficult to meet by being very rigid in your answers.

 

At the end of the day you WERE free to meet on the Monday after 5?

 

No he is not interested in bending over backwards to meet someone he barely knows that gives him her fortnightly schedule that he has to work around.

 

All too hard it seems. So let it go.

 

I completely agree - it was exhausting to read. Too much embellishment, too much info. Just pick a day or range of days in a simple, direct way - walls of text give the impression that you're not serious about meeting. Even if you are.

 

For example you wrote to him

 

"Me: My rabbit is pretty unwell, so I cancelled tomorrow’s appt to take him to a specialist on Wednesday afternoon instead. Last minute, but I thought I could mention tomorrow works if you’re still free. Luckily my mom just happens to be off that day and can watch my son. If not, Thursday still works too. I’m sorry planning have been such a challenge."

 

 

Who cares??? You don't know each other as far as dating where that kind of info might be relevant - I'm married and I don't give my husband extraneous info when we're trying to schedule something - it's just a lot of noise/verbal diahrrhea. My friend S and I meet for lunch in pre-covid times about once a month or so. We're coworkers in different divisions of our company. We've been meeting like this for over 3 years. So yes we're more chatty about it now - I know more details about why she can't make it and vice versa if it's important/interesting. And definitely if we need to reschedule/cancel we're very specific because we don't want the other person to think we're being flaky. But no I would never dream of telling her that we can meet because all my ducks are in a row as far as childcare and my tadpole (when we had one, they died), and my cleaning person's schedule. Borrrrringg. And also gives off a nice dose of arrogance like someone else really needs to know how hard it is for you to make a plan and how privileged they are to get to see you. I get that you happened to be available last minute but I would have written

 

"Hi - how's it going? Guess what - I happen to be free later today -I know it's last minute but figured I'd check just in case - look forward to possibly seeing you!"

[kiwistwbry]

I completely agree - it was exhausting to read. Too much embellishment, too much info. Just pick a day or range of days in a simple, direct way - walls of text give the impression that you're not serious about meeting. Even if you are.

 

For example you wrote to him

 

"Me: My rabbit is pretty unwell, so I cancelled tomorrow’s appt to take him to a specialist on Wednesday afternoon instead. Last minute, but I thought I could mention tomorrow works if you’re still free. Luckily my mom just happens to be off that day and can watch my son. If not, Thursday still works too. I’m sorry planning have been such a challenge."

 

 

Who cares??? You don't know each other as far as dating where that kind of info might be relevant - I'm married and I don't give my husband extraneous info when we're trying to schedule something - it's just a lot of noise/verbal diahrrhea. My friend S and I meet for lunch in pre-covid times about once a month or so. We're coworkers in different divisions of our company. We've been meeting like this for over 3 years. So yes we're more chatty about it now - I know more details about why she can't make it and vice versa if it's important/interesting. And definitely if we need to reschedule/cancel we're very specific because we don't want the other person to think we're being flaky. But no I would never dream of telling her that we can meet because all my ducks are in a row as far as childcare and my tadpole (when we had one, they died), and my cleaning person's schedule. Borrrrringg. And also gives off a nice dose of arrogance like someone else really needs to know how hard it is for you to make a plan and how privileged they are to get to see you. I get that you happened to be available last minute but I would have written

 

"Hi - how's it going? Guess what - I happen to be free later today -I know it's last minute but figured I'd check just in case - look forward to possibly seeing you!"

 

Yeah, totally not my intentions at all. I wanted him to know my legitimate reason for popping up with a last minute idea, so he knew I wasn’t just trying to see him as a last resort. I also told him I need about 3 days to arrange childcare, so I thought I had to explain the situation so he didn’t think that was a lie. I was actually trying to be considerate. I guess I can get too inside my own head sometimes.

[Jibralta]

LOL, gotta agree with Batya here. My eyes were glazing over with the barrage of extraneous information that you provided at every turn.

 

My guess is that the reason for his disappearance is either that he is seeing other people, or that he's been alienated by your impenetrable wall of information.

 

You know, I actually avoid people who can't give me a simple answer to a simple question. I can't handle it.

[Batya33]

Yeah, totally not my intentions at all. I wanted him to know my legitimate reason for popping up with a last minute idea, so he knew I wasn’t just trying to see him as a last resort. I also told him I need about 3 days to arrange childcare, so I thought I had to explain the situation so he didn’t think that was a lie. I was actually trying to be considerate. I guess I can get too inside my own head sometimes.

 

So here is how I strongly suggest you do that

 

"Hi! How are you - guess what -turns out I'm now free tomorrow because the universe aligned in just the right way. I know it's last minute -I'll spare you the details - and share if you like but would love to get together if you're free too. Totally understand if you can't make it last minute. Looking forward!"

 

I get that you shared all the stuff about childcare but people generally get that sometimes the universe aligns. You're not the only one who needs three days advance notice -people have jobs, parents, grandparents, volunteer commitments etc etc.

[Lambert]

I agree with a lot of what others are saying, too much info, rambling in texts. When making plans either go with the time they suggest or reject their time and suggest 2 other alternatives.

 

He says: Monday afternoon?

 

you say: After 5?

 

or you say: can't Monday. are you free Wednesday or Saturday?

 

Keep it simple... your rabbit, your mom. blah blah blah... not good over text.

 

He kept dropping off for days or was slow to respond to you. That's not fair to you. You want to find someone that puts in the same effort.

 

He may have gotten bored/frustrated with texts and threw in the towel to make plans. I would let him go.

 

Some people may be great , but if their schedule doesn't match yours, it's not going to really go anywhere. its one thing when an established couple gets off schedules. They are already connected and while it's still hard, they have more opportunities. They may live in the same house. When you are already estsblished and comfortable with someone it's no big deal to do whatever works. But a new guy? Not so easy and it fizzles out fast.

 

You do sound pretty busy. So maybe you can look at your schedule and determine what times you are regularly available and prioritize that as "your time". Might be easier for others to work with.

[Batya33]

Yes just think of the other person. Example -I've been trying to meet a new friend for months. Months because of covid -we missed the window back in early March and obviously it was all over for a long time after that. We have opposite schedules. She finally suggested that she would get up early to meet me for my sunrise walk. I go daily. But she misunderstood -it's not just a walk, it's my morning workout, it's my time, I lose myself in my earpods, lose myself in my thoughts, I can barely carry a conversation because I do my best to work myself to the bone given my childcare responsibilities and timing. And I have to be mindful of social distancing. And I have not even a minute to spare to wait for someone to park, to be late, to be stuck in traffic or delayed. I barely have the time I have. So since we're trying so hard to meet I explained to her why I couldn't be flexible about meeting at that time -because I know many people would be -"sure come along on my morning stroll". Otherwise it could have come across as me being really rigid given her impression of what I do.

 

Just use common sense and check yourself -if you sense you're getting too much in your own head stop before you click send.

[kiwistwbry]

Thank you everyone. These are all good points that I’ll definitely keep in mind. What if I texted this to him sometime soon?

 

“I’ve realized my not so great texting skills have given the wrong impression. What do you say we try again, maybe even over the phone?”

[Jibralta]

Just suggest a meet for a day and time that you're free in the near future.

 

I don't think you need to get into the weeds about your texting skills, the impression he may or may not have gotten, etc.

 

Just get to the point:

 

"Hey, I'm free this Monday, after 5. Want to grab coffee?"

[boltnrun]

Why can't you just call him instead of over explaining yet again?

[melancholy123]

Find someone else, he keeps blowing you off. I also wonder if he's married or living with someone.

[bluecastle]

Thank you everyone. These are all good points that I’ll definitely keep in mind. What if I texted this to him sometime soon?

 

“I’ve realized my not so great texting skills have given the wrong impression. What do you say we try again, maybe even over the phone?”

 

To my eyes? This is still a whole lot of unneeded weights on the scale—a lot of nerves and hedging front-loading something that should be pretty fun and low stakes with a lot of jagged extra.

 

I'd take Batya's approach, or something like it: "Hey, been a minute! Hope all's well in your world. Are you around tonight or tomorrow, by chance?" If he's around, and/or if some part of him is still curious to see you, he'll let you know. And if he doesn't? Well, bummer, but then you know this just isn't meant to be.

[Wiseman2]

Keep it simple. Tell him you want to get together you're free XYZ and ask him when he's free. Don't chase TMI and too much texting/talking with more TMI and more texting/talking. This is to determine if you want to meet up and when. Not a life story again.

[kiwistwbry]

Bluecastle & wiseman - All makes sense. Just trying to not come off as too masculine or desperate by making the plans?

[kiwistwbry]

Find someone else, he keeps blowing you off. I also wonder if he's married or living with someone.

 

I felt blown off at times too. He’s not married or living with someone from what I have seen, since I had a key to his place when I was taking care of his dog...

[boltnrun]

All makes sense. Just trying to not come off as too masculine or desperate by making the plans?

 

How is making plans "masculine"?

[kiwistwbry]

How is making plans "masculine"?

 

I thought guys like to be the ones to take the initiative? If I’m doing the approaching as well as the planning then he’s just going along with it. No challenge whatsoever.

[reinventmyself]

You came off as very inflexible and if you had given me all that personal information to justify the inflexibility in your life, the first impression would be that dating you might be too much work.

I can tell that's not your intention and you seem like a very nice person, but remember first impressions are fragile.

Next time, without compromising yourself,be flexible, compromise and make the effort to meet him half way.

Keep the personal details of everything in between personal.

[boltnrun]

I thought guys like to be the ones to take the initiative? If I’m doing the approaching as well as the planning then he’s just going along with it. No challenge whatsoever.

 

Well, what's more important? A "challenge" or a date?

 

I can pretty much guarantee if you two did end up in a relationship neither of you would have an issue with you suggesting plans or appearing "masculine".

 

You are getting in your own way. Are you sure you really want to date this man? With all the obstacles you're coming up with I have to wonder.

[LaHermes]

Try not to overthink so much OP.

 

It's a sign of anxiety and insecurity.

 

Under NO circumstances say anything like this! It sounds like pleading.

 

"“I’ve realized my not so great texting skills have given the wrong impression. What do you say we try again, maybe even over the phone?”"

 

And as Wiseman said:

 

"People make time for things they are interested in."

 

I am exactly the same, Jibralta:

 

"I actually avoid people who can't give me a simple answer to a simple question. I can't handle it."