Why did he disappear?

[bluecastle]

If you feel "blown off" then maybe it's worth asking why you're still trying to blow air into this balloon. At the end of the day you're either into the idea of seeing about this, or no longer feeling it, and only you can decide what your truth is.

 

Personal story. I first connected with my now girlfriend on a dating app. Nice, brief banter. Then we tried to make plans, and there was a lot of business on both ends—attempts to make plans giving way to some stretches of "silence," in quotes because I just think we were living our lives, not playing some game. Think that was maybe three weeks? One evening I landed from a work trip, was waiting for an Uber, thought of her: "Last minute, but odds that you're around for glass of wine tonight?" She was. That was almost 2 years ago.

 

Can't say why, but I never felt "blown off" by the communication prior to that, which was much more "non-existent" than nonsensically sparkly. Never wondered if she was actually married, dating nine dudes hotter than me, or anything. Don't think she felt blown off either when she'd been the one to offer a semi-spontaneous time to meet and I wasn't around. Don't think, honestly, either of us were thinking a whole lot about it, save for the other person seemed interesting enough to have a glass of wine with.

 

Much easier when you keep it simple, and true to whoever you are, however you want to operate.

[boltnrun]

Bluecastle, if she'd contacted you suggesting that glass of wine would you have reacted with "Pssht, she's so MASCULINE! What a turn off!"

 

Somehow I doubt it, and I doubt most men would think so. But maybe I'm wrong.

[bluecastle]

Bluecastle, if she'd contacted you suggesting that glass of wine would you have reacted with "Pssht, she's so MASCULINE! What a turn off!"

 

Somehow I doubt it, and I doubt most men would think so. But maybe I'm wrong.

 

Of course not! She'd done that a few times, asking about a coffee, a walk, a glass of something. I'd done the same. We were busy grownups. She occupies a very large slice of my head and heart today, of course, but back then? I wasn't giving it a lot of thought, and don't think she was either.

[kiwistwbry]

I appreciate the candor from everyone. I really do. I’m divorced and have been pretty out of the dating scene for years now. Rough getting back out there!

[kiwistwbry]

I think where my need to explain a bit more other than making plans is because I did come across as so many negative things like you guys laid out, even though I wasn’t trying to come across that way, and I feel like for him to want to give this another chance I have to make it clear that none of it was my intention. Because who’s going to want to see someone who is possibly high maintenance, rigid, and/or too busy? Who knows what kind of an impression I’ve made on him! Hence the disappearance perhaps? Man this feels like way too much work.

[LaHermes]

So, OP, maybe this is just not the man. There are others out there.

 

I would like you to tell me what the following means to YOU.

 

" We built a connection over that time and were trying to get to know each other outside of my services ". And I think this was over a year!

 

What is meant by "connection"?

 

Why would the connection take so long before having at least a date after a few weeks/months?

 

In actual fact, OP, it is quite simple. Nothing like getting straight to the point. Trust me.

 

Next time round, OP, with whoever, don't go the waltzing Mathilda route of long-term "connection building". Spontaneity is where it's at.

[Hollyj]

I think it was too much work to organize due to your schedule.

[kiwistwbry]

LaHermes - He offered to help me out when the whole Covid situation started by offering to get anything I needed. He continued to pay me even though I wasn’t able to watch his dog while under state quarantine, and would ask every couple weeks if I had received unemployment benefits yet. We even added each other on Facebook at one point and he tagged me in a photo I had taken of his dog. He told me about the restaurant where he works, so I ended up buying a gift card. He told me when he got demoted from his manager position and how he’s thinking of changing careers and moving before the rates crash in this area. We had definitely gone past the professional relationship over the 8 months I was his dog walker.

[kiwistwbry]

Next time round, OP, with whoever, don't go the waltzing Mathilda route of long-term "connection building". Spontaneity is where it's at.

 

I agree. I think it got tricky because of the semi professional relationship we started out with.

[LaHermes]

Aaah Kiwi. Dear me!

 

"He offered to help me out when the whole Covid situation happened by offering to get anything I needed. He continued to pay me even though I wasn’t able to watch his dog while under state quarantine, and would ask every couple weeks if I had received unemployment benefits yet."

 

This is the type of thing a kindly neighbour, uncle, brother or cousin would do.

 

Nothing whatsoever to do with connection building or trying to get to know.

 

And there's this to bear in mind:

 

"..and how he’s thinking of changing careers and moving before the rates crash in this area."

[kiwistwbry]

I think it was too much work to organize due to your schedule.

 

I agree. I also got frustrated with him only giving me one day to work with both weeks.

[boltnrun]

I think where my need to explain a bit more other than making plans is because I did come across as so many negative things like you guys laid out, even though I wasn’t trying to come across that way, and I feel like for him to want to give this another chance I have to make it clear that none of it was my intention. Because who’s going to want to see someone who is possibly high maintenance, rigid, and/or too busy? Who knows what kind of an impression I’ve made on him! Hence the disappearance perhaps? Man this feels like way too much work.

 

It's because you're making it too much work.

 

All the "explanations" are exhausting. Ever hear of "less is more"?

 

I've read a survey that indicated people stop paying attention to written communication after 10 seconds. So I go by that rule. If what I'm writing takes more than 10 seconds to read I'm wasting everyone's time (of course, that doesn't apply to work reports and things of that nature...but you and this man wanting to go on a date isn't a work report).

 

Instead of focusing on what you want him to know, how about focusing on what you want to happen next? No one wants to rehash the past. If you want to go on a date with him then suggest a date. If he suggests a day and time and you can't make it, suggest another day and time. No need for elaborate explanations of why and how and what. Just say "Tuesday doesn't work for me, but how does Wednesday at 6:00 PM sound?"

 

I'm breaking my 10 second rule here lol. But please try to simplify. Don't make it even more work with all these "explanations".

[kiwistwbry]

Aaah Kiwi. Dear me!

 

"He offered to help me out when the whole Covid situation happened by offering to get anything I needed. He continued to pay me even though I wasn’t able to watch his dog while under state quarantine, and would ask every couple weeks if I had received unemployment benefits yet."

 

This is the type of thing a kindly neighbour, uncle, brother or cousin would do.

 

Nothing whatsoever to do with connection building or trying to get to know.

 

And there's this to bear in mind:

 

"..and how he’s thinking of changing careers and moving before the rates crash in this area."

 

All good points.

[kiwistwbry]

It's because you're making it too much work.

 

All the "explanations" are exhausting. Ever hear of "less is more"?

 

I've read a survey that indicated people stop paying attention to written communication after 10 seconds. So I go by that rule. If what I'm writing takes more than 10 seconds to read I'm wasting everyone's time (of course, that doesn't apply to work reports and things of that nature...but you and this man wanting to go on a date isn't a work report).

 

Instead of focusing on what you want him to know, how about focusing on what you want to happen next? No one wants to rehash the past. If you want to go on a date with him then suggest a date. If he suggests a day and time and you can't make it, suggest another day and time. No need for elaborate explanations of why and how and what. Just say "Tuesday doesn't work for me, but how does Wednesday at 6:00 PM sound?"

 

I'm breaking my 10 second rule here lol. But please try to simplify. Don't make it even more work with all these "explanations".

 

I see what you’re saying. I do. Wish me luck! Lol

[boltnrun]

I see what you’re saying. I do. Wish me luck! Lol

 

Of course. Good luck.

 

Are you going to call him or send a text?

 

BTW, don't ever use texting just because you're afraid of what he might say. I think he'd appreciate a call because it indicates effort and interest. Wouldn't it be nice to catch up and see how he's doing without having to READ a bunch of words?

[kiwistwbry]

Wouldn't it be nice to catch up and see how he's doing without having to READ a bunch of words?

 

Not sure yet. But I agree 100%

[SooSad33]

Sounds like he wasn't truly into it all :/.

You were the main one 'trying' is how I see it..

 

Then walk away... don't bother with him anymore.. Silence says enough.

[j.man]

It isn't "masculine" to make a counter offer with a day and time after someone else had gone through the effort of introducing their own plan which you couldn't meet. That's simply a common courtesy and a reciprocation of respect and interest. Nobody sticking their neck out wants to essentially be told "try again." I don't have a problem making the first move with a concrete date idea, but I learned quick to pass on ladies who'd reject an idea only to expect me to play a game of Battleship trying to land the correct day and time I could have the grand privilege of meeting them.

 

There were also a few other tidbits that would probably turn me off were I in his shoes. The whole follow up of essentially "tell me now whether the vague tentative plans we didn't even set are happening because you're holding up my week" was awkwardly insecure and passive aggressive. And as far as the three-days notice so you can arrange a sitter goes, as understandable of a standard as adequately planning ahead is even without factoring in childcare, you know much better than him how and when you can best arrange for someone to watch your kid. You're exponentially better off letting him know in much more specific terms when it's easiest for you to offload your son onto someone rather than once again leaving him stabbing in the dark with "evenings and weekends." Even if you've got all the flexibility in the world in finding a sitter-- which no guy has any place assuming-- nobody wants some broad lordship over when you should find a sitter so you two can go on a date. People want to know that if you agree, it's because it's a good time for you, not that it means they've just spontaneously handed you a chore.

 

You eventually had the right idea introducing actual alternative plans after turning down his second date suggestion. In the future, just default to doing that. But between all the overexplaining others have pointed out as well as him seeing the maintenance from a mile away, I think he simply checked out. And if he did have any interest left, it probably vanished with your second quip of "let me know when you can give me more than one day."

 

And for the record, I wouldn't call. After your last text and 11 days having passed, it'd much more likely than anything else put him in a very uncomfortable position. There are plenty other men out there with whom you can get off to a much better start.

[LaHermes]

That's it, JMan, said with admirable brevity. L.

 

"There are plenty other men out there with whom you can get off to a much better start."

[LC8328]

When I read the part about him inviting your son to the park, my first thought was, omg, that's so sweet! Had I been you, I would have thanked him for being so sweet and obviously trying to help. Your response to that was mechanical, bussinesslike. It might have made him feel like his gesture was overlooked/ not appreciated (on top of everything else mentioned on this thread). My advice, try responding with a bit more emotion/ appreciation. If setting up a date was this businesslike, how much "fun" is a date going to be? Just my two cents.

 

FWIW, I know what it's like to be dating later in life and I agree it's rough. You'll do fine, just relax a bit.

[LC8328]

ETA: I know you technically thanked him but your entire response was very formal and kinda buried under your other stuff.

[catfeeder]

I thought guys like to be the ones to take the initiative? If I’m doing the approaching as well as the planning then he’s just going along with it. No challenge whatsoever.

 

This is the load of bull women were fed about 50 years ago, and it was already generations old by then. Maybe that's why you were texting like Jane Austen over'splaining to a suitor?

 

Just say, 'Tues evening is better than afternoon, how about 5?' or, "Wed eve isn't good, how about Thurs?'

 

Don't go complex. I lost track at paragraph 2, and I'm sure he did, too. So in trying to be kind, you laid down calendar landmines and it exhausted him.

 

Don't expect people to remember which days are bad or iffy, just offer an alternate day and make a plan.

 

Head high, we all learn the hard way on some things.

[Jibralta]

like Jane Austen over'splaining to a suitor?

 

Huh???????

[j.man]

Huh???????

She was an author whose writings are-- IMO justifiably-- considered particularly verbose. Think Conrad or Steinbeck only the verbosity serves zero purpose.

[kiwistwbry]

Okay, so now that we’ve acknowledged my slip ups in all of this, why don’t we discuss his? I ended up sending him a message a few hours ago, and here’s how it went down:

 

Me: Hope everything's well! I’m free in the evening tomorrow and Tuesday. What days this week work for you?

 

*He replies just 30 minutes later*

 

Guy: Doing great. Out on the boat for a few days. At Bainbridge island right now. Interesting cloud formations. (inserts picture). Planning on getting back Tuesday at around 5 PM.

 

Me: Sounds like fun. Nice picture! Does that mean Tuesday evening works for you too?

 

I took his quick initial reply as a positive sign. Including the fact that he was so detailed with even a picture! However, since my follow-up it has been dead silence for the last hour and a half. And on top of that, he never answered my question of “what days this week work for you?”. He was vague when it came to making plans yet again, by giving me very little to work with. This is why I started to seem “high maintenance” in the previous texts. Am I missing something here?