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yellowhart

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This is gonna be long sorry in advance

 

I started dating this guy a little over a month ago I’ve been single for 3 years and was not looking for a relationship bc i’m moving cross country for school at the end of the month. We became serious because this is the deepest connection we’ve both ever felt with someone and we’re late 20s so he said he doesn’t want to let me go and wants to try long distance until i come back next year. He is separated with kids and I’ve never saw myself dating someone with kids but he checks so many boxes it’s not even a concern of mine i could even see myself meeting them somewhere down the line as things progressed. The separation is absolutely concerning but he’s been nothing but upfront about his and her relationship and conversations so I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt with that. Up until the past week or so dating him has been a dream considering the horrific relationships i’ve had and how much he truly cares for and values me. I’ve worked VERY hard while i’ve been single to work to love myself because i never did before and work to demand what I deserve because I have a history of codependency, depression, and toxic relationships.

 

I felt nervous about him because he has a lot of drama with not being able to see his kids bc his ex took them when she left. Much of the text conversations have been about his feelings and what he is going through. He suddenly began to pull away last week and was not asking to see me and texting me less frequently. I confronted him basically saying I feel like he’s not as interested bc he’s not showing interest in my day to day or making plans etc and that i don’t want my time wasted especially when i’m about to leave for a serious program. I said that in a nicer way of course but his reasoning was that he has a lot going on and is depressed about not seeing his kids so it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I’ve still felt distant and we’ve hung out twice since that conversation and had follow up conversations basically saying the same thing. Then yesterday he was realllyyy in a mood over kissing his kids and when i tried to offer suggestions he shut down then he snapped at me for the first time ever via text and when i snapped back he made it seem like i was the one in the wrong and i ended up apologizing.

 

I’m trying to figure out what I should do because I have been waking up everyday with a pit in my stomach because he was so amazing and attentive then it’s been such a 180 and this is such a new relationship. But the conversations we’ve had are so deep and we align in every value and goal and personality trait i felt like God made him just for me. But what’s not for me is feeling neglected and like he is more interested in my potential and the goals i have for myself than in what goes on in my day to day life. My friends that i’ve talked to feel i’m over reacting bc he listened about the planning and he still texts/facetimes me everyday and says how much he cares and is interested in me. He has made new plans but granted we hung out 2 days ago so i’ll let it go and i know i can make plans too i’m just kind of off put right now so i feel i need space to think. and as much as he says all these wonderful things if none of it is being put into action i feel like where does that leave me?

 

i facetimed him last night and brought up both of us taking space to think especially if we’re snapping at each other and since he’s going thru stuff i feel i’m not helping. but he was like space?? what?? then cut the conversation short and said he wanted to talk today instead. i was so ok being single now i’m having ty days from so i feel like that’s a sign to hit pause on this relationship or idk. but i don’t wanna throw away something that’s meant for me what if he really is just having a terrible week? i don’t have kids i have no idea what that feels like to have them taken with no warning and they don’t have any custody agreements he just can’t afford to fly them out right now

 

if you’re still here after my word vomit, God bless lol and helppppp

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he hasn’t even begun the divorce because he said he can’t afford it and he doesn’t know what to do because he can’t take leave from work to see his kids but his ex isn’t working so she can’t afford to fly them out either, he’s still financially supporting them but everything is informal. he for sure needs to get the ball rolling i just feel weird pushing that so early. i suggested at least looking into his rights with the kids and he was just like oh i’ll figure it out

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You are driving yourself crazy because you aren’t being realistic or logical about it.

 

You didn’t know this guy it seems until about 35 days ago?

And the first 25 days ish were great?

 

He is not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone.

He is simply filling a void when and where it suits him.

And so far you are obliging him by being his emotional tampon.

It’s all he needs you for right now and he will discard you onve he’s done with you.

 

I’m sorry to say that. That’s why he doesn’t really care if you go away and insists on a long distance thing because you will be fulfillling his needs wherever you are.

 

Your deep conversations I’m guessing are provoked by his own emotional turmoil.

 

If he was genuinely interested in dating you he wouldn’t be discussing his personal problems, wife , kids etc at what is supposed to be the most exciting fun part of early dating.

 

What are you going to do?

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Sorry to hear that. It's only been a month so cut your losses.

 

He's married and giving you the standard excuses. Focus on your move and your program and put this guy behind you.

 

Unfortunately this is just another toxic relationship.

I have a history of codependency, depression, and toxic relationships
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With the extreme hormonal highs of a new romance, it's common to believe they were heaven sent, until the rose-colored glasses come off and you begin to see beyond fantasy.

 

He's not emotionally available to be a good partner right now. It'll likely be years before a woman in his life won't be a rebound, a band-aid to temporarily cover his hurts, etc. He needs to get a divorce and establish a good routine where custody visits are regular and satisfactory.

 

You let yourself go full speed into a smokescreen. You're in turmoil after only 30 days. If you're frustrated because you're not a priority, instead of waiting around and hoping things will go back to the heady first days, you're wasting your time.

 

Long distance relationships only survive a year when it's already been a longterm relationship with a concrete foundation. Your foundation is a sand castle with high tide coming in. You've only invested 30 days. Walk away!

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How about this:

 

You tell him long distance is not a good idea but you are open to seeing how things go when you return in a year if you are both single. Tell him he needs to focus on his children and divorce before he can focus on a relationship with you. Let him know you want to stay focused on school so it is best that you do not stay in contact.

 

Then follow the plan you had before you met this guy. Go away for school, live your life and date, have fun and get good grades. When you return if this guy has gotten all his crap straight then if you are still interested you can try dating again.

 

At this point this guy is no catch and shouldn't be even dating.

 

You cannot be his therapist not should you want to be but that is where you are right now.

 

Please step back a little and see what a mess this is and will be for a very long time. Your number one priority is school right now so stay focused on that and tell this guy to finish off his old life before he has any chance in yours.

 

By the way I am a father and I would walk through fire every day to see my son. What is he doing?

 

LOst

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Yellowhart.

 

I find it frightening that you would even consider a relationship with this person. He is married, and will probably stay that way. He has no money to engage a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. He is a recipe for disaster.

 

What Wiseman said:

 

"He's married and giving you the standard excuses. Focus on your move and your program and put this guy behind you.

 

Unfortunately this is just another toxic relationship".

 

And I also fully endorse Billie's advice above.

 

You also state:

 

"I have a history of codependency, depression, and toxic relationships".

 

And here you are, about to embark on another toxic relationship. Please don't do this to yourself.

 

There are plenty of single men out there. Why are you set on this married man? I ask.

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Sorry about this. It's easy to fall in love with a great guy. But this great guy also has some pressing things to sort out before he enters a "serious" relationship.

 

He needs a therapist to deal with emotional issues and drama from a divorce, not a girlfriend to lick his wounds.

You need a man who is emotionally available and ready to date. Regardless of your conversations, he isn't there yet and wont be for a few years.

 

Be grateful you only lost a month of investment with him, it's time to move on.

 

Sorry

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You are already seeing major issues within a month of dating. If you think things are uncomfortable now, just wait until it turns long distance.

 

It has been a very short relationship. I suggest you cut your losses. I also suggest never dating married men. Too much drama.

 

I would readdress your co dependence, as this is what this relationship sounds like, by you playing therapist. Have you received therapy?

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Rule #1 of dating - do NOT ever get involved with married men, men who are still in the throws of divorce or break up, men who are just fresh out of a break up or divorce.

 

Rule #2 of dating - anything that burns hot and fast instantly, any man that pushed the pace along at blistering speed, any whirlwind romance - run away from that immediately. No, he isn't meant for you or meant to be - it's the prelude to bad drama and hurt later on. You are already starting to experience the drama.

 

Rule #3 of dating - toss out all rom com notions about dating and relationships and things like love at first sight out of your head.

 

Understand that all you have in 30 days is a stranger you don't know and lust. There is no deep connection here, it's not possible to develop. Do not confuse him vomiting his issues and using as an emotional tampon, free therapy, and a ego stroking crutch while he is going through marital issues as "deep connection". That's not a connection that's you just being used.

 

My advice is don't meet him. Just end things and go ahead and move and focus on your studies and your goals. Also, get your head screwed on straight and start sorting out what healthy dating and healthy relationships look like because this thing here is not it by many miles. If your uni has counseling, consider getting some help with that or checking out some self help books as well. You've got to fix your picker and realize that men who push hard and fast aren't your dreams answered but rather toxic at best and dangerous at worst.

 

For now, whatever their marital issues and whatever bs he is feeding you about it with some provable grains of truth thrown in (that is the most convincing lie after all), he is married and you are effectively a side chick. Some people might call you something less nice. You really need to dunk your head in cold water so you snap out of this and get real.

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I can only endorse every word that DF has said, including:

 

"get your head screwed on straight and start sorting out what healthy dating and healthy relationships look like because this thing here is not it by many miles. If your uni has counseling, consider getting some help with that or checking out some self help books as well. You've got to fix your picker and realize that men who push hard and fast aren't your dreams answered but rather toxic at best and dangerous at worst."

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If he's not even going to bother getting divorced he should not be trying to date.

 

How is your relationship with him supposed to evolve when he's married to someone else?

 

You still are choosing the wrong men. It would be a good idea to address that with therapy before attempting to date again.

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