Attracting unavailable men

[kim42]

Thanks again for all the replies and stories, I like reading all this and I'm glad I can admit here that I feel silly and/or sad.

So for everyone following this thread, I did more research on Google (I should have done this before) and found out he actually does have a girlfriend, so now we know what 'we' means.

I'm relieved I know now, but still a little sad.

He never mentioned his gf, but didn't say he was single either.

He asked me for some pictures of where I grew up (I was born and raised in Eastern Europe, as some of you know), and after sending them, he dropped the 'we'.

To be honest I was telling myself at the beginning that he might be taken, but I got too carried away and stopped being cautious at some point. I'll be wiser next time :)

[bluecastle]

Live and learn!

 

Whether such behavior is kosher inside his relationship or not—well, who knows and who cares? Not energy worth spending, thinking about all that. You now have information which allows you to conduct yourself according to your standards, to adjust expectations, to go on with the awesome business of being yourself and living your life.

[Cherylyn]

When I was dating, I didn't have to try so hard to seek eligible bachelors. I was so immersed with my own fast track career and financial independence that driven men came to me; not the other way around. I even had to decline several dates because I was very busy which made me even more unattainable and attractive.

 

I followed my mother's advice. She taught me to be my own person and to have "that automatic draw" without any effort on my part. Sure enough, I was able to attract the best men and I could afford to become very picky and choosy regarding men who were successful, going places in life, character and integrity.

 

I was a late bloomer, never dated in school - - NEVER ever. I was the shy wallflower and my time came later.

 

My mother-in-law (MIL) has this old country expression. She said, "While everyone was busy sloshing around in the milk, the cream rose to the top." This means while everyone else is busy partying and floundering in life, those who work hard get to enjoy the fruits of their labor later when it really counts. I had the pick of the cream of the crop and I was doing better than okay, too! Keep in mind, successful men can afford to become very picky and choosy, too. Everyone wants a great, smooth, comfortable life and lifestyle.

 

My wise mother is always right!

 

Alike people are with alike people.

[Rose Mosse]

Bummer, Kim! Now you're free not to spend time thinking about this person too much. It's not easy navigating the single life but I think that's what keeps things interesting too.

 

Stay happy and well out there.

[kim42]

Thanks Rose, I'm not planning to spend more time thinking about him, we're not texting any longer so I'm focusing my energy on different things :)

[SherrySher]

While a big part of me always goes back to not letting the hard, cold world make me into a hard and cold person.

 

That's why you have to keep your wits about you and not let yourself get too carried away

 

I think that's the main thing though, not to become cold per se, but to become wiser and cautious to the degree that you look before you leap and you question who this person is before deciding they are or should be your next date.

 

That's all I was saying.

[SherrySher]

Have to say I'm really struck my the level of assumptions here. All we have in this whole story is the dreaded "we" dropped into a text message about his weekend, and from there we're spinning a story of complete certainty about a married predator pouncing on vulnerable prey?

 

found out he actually does have a girlfriend, so now we know what 'we' means.

 

Guess my assumptions weren't too far off the mark.

 

Suffice to say though, I have had many rodeos with men pretending to be something they weren't or attached men who decided to mess about where they shouldn't be messing about.

I am not new to these scenarios, unfortunately.

 

That being said, I can spot some of the tell tale signs pretty quickly. To dismiss what I have to say entirely, because it's not something you have either experienced or have seen much of, isn't exactly fair.

 

Most of the posts I write are written from knowledge gained from past experiences and I'm not just willy nilly writing whatever, just for the sake of it.

 

Kim, a woman needs to protect herself to a certain degree when meeting someone new or chatting with someone new. You don't want someone else's mess or to deal with a three way situation. It's a nightmare.

 

Just be careful, take your time on who you allow into your life and take things slow. I wish all the best to you. You do deserve to find a good man who treats you right, and I hope you do.

[catfeeder]

I didn't ask him if he was single because I thought it was an inappropriate question for a coworker.

 

You're conflating two things against your own best interests.

 

If a guy is 'appropriate' material for flirting and dating, then screening him with questions is ON the table.

 

So, if he's NOT 'appropriate' material for screening, then he's also not appropriate to flirt with or date.

 

Get clear about your own internal value system, and then you won't be at the mercy of any guy to dictate it for you.

 

If your goal at work is to be taken seriously and to be credited with good judgment, then keep your dating life completely separate from your job.

 

If your goal at work is to collect a temporary paycheck until you find another gig, then your dating pool is wide open--but so is your opportunity to screen first, and skip imposing a double standard against yourself.

[kim42]

I didn't think of seeing him after work as going on a date. As I explained in one of my previous replies, we spend time outside office when other employees visit.

He mentioned his parents, his family he had not seen in a while, so I assumed he was single. I know, it was a mistake.

It's like the wiser part of me warned me not to get too excited but I didn't pay attention to it.

[Wiseman2]

It's fine to be attracted to attractive men. It doesn't mean that you are only attracted to "unavailable" men. It simply means that some of the men you meet and seem to be attracted to are not in the market for dating.

[Batya33]

Please don't discount work as a way to meet people -including people who can introduce you to available single men. Just avoid people you work directly with or for or who report to you.

[Jibralta]

We started going for lunch frequently. One day an acquaintance at work asked if I knew he was married. I said no as he never mentioned wife or kids.

 

Yikes. Reminds me of something that happened to me once at my cousin's party. A very, very cute guy caught my eye. Under normal circumstances, I am terrible in situations like this. I don't like being checked out and am not what anyone would consider approachable. A guy has to have balls of steel to get past my cold, hard stare. I almost feel bad for them. But not really.

 

Anyway, I am aware that I am not always fair and on this particular day, with this particular guy, I made a real effort to be approachable and threw him a friendly smile. He came over, and we started talking. He was a pilot! I thought that was so cool.

 

Then one of my cousin's friends came up to us and said to him, "Hey John. How's your wife doing?"

 

John said, "Oh, she's home. Probably sleeping. You know how she's always tired."

 

I was thunderstruck. I looked down at John's finger and sure enough, there was his wedding band. It never occurred to me to look! How could this guy be flirting with me like this when he had a wife?? I found some way to extract myself from the conversation and drifted off to some other part of the party.

 

Later on, I was riding one of my cousin's little 50cc dirtbikes around the course that he has set up (lol really--I looked like a grasshopper) and this guy John actually strode through the middle of the track, stopped me, and tried to talk to me again. He actually asked me for a kiss!!! I picked up his left hand and showed him his own wedding ring. He tried to downplay it like it was nothing.

 

Terrible.

 

I can't believe there are people like this in the world, but there are. Brazen, smooth, conscienceless, unapologetic.

 

I think Dancingfool recently said somewhere that cheaters aren't happy, and will never be happy. I think that's true, and important to understand if you are going to successfully avoid them. Cheaters are never satisfied, never balanced. They're always trying to fill some internal emptiness that can never be filled. They will use you to do it, they'll do and say whatever you're willing to accept in order to get what they want.

[Lambert]

I think Dancingfool recently said somewhere that cheaters aren't happy, and will never be happy. I think that's true, and important to understand if you are going to successfully avoid them. Cheaters are never satisfied, never balanced. They're always trying to fill some internal emptiness that can never be filled. They will use you to do it, they'll tell you whatever you're willing to accept in order to get what they want.

 

This bears repeating. If you've ever been cheated on, you blame yourself. I know this and the times I've been cheated on (I think twice... I never really got full confirmation on the 2nd. didn't need it but that's another post) I blamed myself and decided my cases were different. but they weren't.

 

Kim, its not you. I don't subscribe to the theory we only attract good or bad.

 

None of us are so great, we only get the best of the best of the best. My sister and most of my high school girlfriends all married their first boyfriends and amazingly, 20+ years later, all are still together and seem happy. Are they better than me? no. different journeys, different lives.

 

Sometimes we attract losers, because we're winners. They want what we are. To be associated with us. For many reasons.

 

Yes. I understand like attracts like and all that. But we are all a combination of both good and bad. yes there are extremes. One person's good or bad can be better or worse than another's.

 

However, I think when it comes to dating or even making compatible friends, the screening process is the step we all skip. The lightening strike of a little hottie chatting us up feels good. And all common sense goes out the window. "we're so connected," lol

 

Try to stop that. Listen to your voice behind your ego. That's where your senses are. We can't be shy about asking questions or calling out red flags. If you're truly connected, truly looking for the same things, there is absolutely no harm in asking.

 

You're conflating two things against your own best interests.

 

If a guy is 'appropriate' material for flirting and dating, then screening him with questions is ON the table.

 

So, if he's NOT 'appropriate' material for screening, then he's also not appropriate to flirt with or date.

 

^^^^This

 

If someone at work wants to do lunches alone, contact you outside of work, find out why. There is no shame in asking what's up. If they make you feel dumb or like you offended them... laugh it off and say something light like, sorry, man. you have no idea what it is to be me. lol

[catfeeder]

If someone at work wants to do lunches alone, contact you outside of work, find out why. There is no shame in asking what's up. If they make you feel dumb or like you offended them... laugh it off and say something light like, sorry, man. you have no idea what it is to be me. lol

 

Uhm...yeah. Part of any 'getting to know you' convo with coworkers usually involves stuff like family. So a wife or GF would be part of that.

 

How many of your female friends at work do you NOT know whether they're single or married?

[Lambert]

Uhm...yeah. Part of any 'getting to know you' convo with coworkers usually involves stuff like family. So a wife or GF would be part of that.

 

How many of your female friends at work do you NOT know whether they're single or married?

 

Catfeeder. don't laugh but I'm that woman. lol. I never talk about my personal life at work. I realize its probably not the norm

 

It's a combination of my own boundaries, being in a male dominated field, surrounded by men and the level of the work... Getting personal is not frowned upon, per se, but its not really a welcomed topic either.

 

I mean if your wife had a baby over the weekend or you got married, it might be announced. lol

 

I think everyone just assumes everyone is married with kids. I know I do. haha

[Batya33]

Pick me. I don't know about all of my female coworkers' marital status. In fact I found out one was when I was sure she wasn't, found out one might not be even though I could have sworn she mentioned an SO People know I am for two reasons- I wear a ring and some of them know of my husband (even though he works elsewhere).

[kim42]

I definitely had the 'we're so connected' moment with this guy. It sounds silly now.

I'm trying to keep a balance between bring cold and approachable.

[Batya33]

I definitely had the 'we're so connected' moment with this guy. It sounds silly now.

I'm trying to keep a balance between bring cold and approachable.

 

It's not really about trying -it's about being a person who knows her worth. If you do then having appropriate boundaries will feel a lot more natural.

[Wiseman2]

Be approachable and friendly. Simply don't view every male interaction as "potential". View it as coffee or chitchat until it's more than that.

.

I'm trying to keep a balance between bring cold and approachable.

[Lambert]

I definitely had the 'we're so connected' moment with this guy. It sounds silly now.

I'm trying to keep a balance between bring cold and approachable.

Can you explain what you mean about trying to keep a balance between cold and approachable?

 

I'm not really sure I follow but this sounds exhausting. Why do you have to be any of these things.

 

The whole you have to be anything or do anything to bag a man is IMO ridiculous.

 

I think friendly and neutral is the way to go in any situation... let it play out, but you keep yourself reserved until you see what's up.

[Rose Mosse]

I definitely had the 'we're so connected' moment with this guy. It sounds silly now.

I'm trying to keep a balance between bring cold and approachable.

 

I understand. I used to follow the conversation but now I take the lead also when I enjoy someone's company. It's a balance of give and take, listening and speaking. It takes time to get to know one another. Usually individuals who want an easy fix scatter when they realize I'm thinking and responding to what they're presenting!

 

You don't have to come across as judgmental. Just be wary, think on your feet and be kind to yourself. I think the last part is the most important.

[kim42]

Thanks Wise, sounds reasonable.

The cold vs. approachable thing is probably what you guys mean by being more careful.

I used to be rather cold and reserved, didn't smile much, so I've worked on being more friendly. I'm happier like this.

[LaHermes]

I fully agree Wiseman

 

About asking point blank "are you single".

 

"Hope that's a joke. Nothing could be more inappropriate,desperate or awkward."

[kim42]

Hi LaHermes, I missed you!

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder. don't laugh but I'm that woman. lol. I never talk about my personal life at work. I realize its probably not the norm

 

It's a combination of my own boundaries, being in a male dominated field, surrounded by men and the level of the work... Getting personal is not frowned upon, per se, but its not really a welcomed topic either.

 

I mean if your wife had a baby over the weekend or you got married, it might be announced. lol

 

I think everyone just assumes everyone is married with kids. I know I do. haha

 

Hello Lambert,

I get this, but let's stay within context. If you're not getting close enough to a coworker for this kind of convo, then you're also not in jeopardy of engaging any 'attraction-gone-wrong' scenarios described by the OP.

 

I'm just trying to clarify the difference between what the OP described as 'inappropriate' questions to a coworker versus what's perfectly appropriate IN THE CASE OF someone who IS pursuing you socially.

 

Bottom line: is you want to date him, find out who he is and what he's about--upfront--by simply asking.

 

This is not complex.