Attracting unavailable men

[catfeeder]

I feel like I'm in this weird cycle, I meet someone, the guy makes the first move, we text, hang out a few times and then I somehow find out he's taken.

 

Why can't one of your first questions be, "Are you single?"

[LoreliFinn]

Hello Kim. I've had same issues attraction married guys. One in particular was at work. As soon as I started working there, I noticed how friendly he was. No ring so I had no idea he was married for the longest time.

 

I thought wow this guy really seems interested. Interestingly, no other men at work were that friendly. Most others were polite & professional. I was really flattered by his attention. My boundaries were loose but that was because I thought a budding romance was developing.

 

We started going for lunch frequently. One day an acquaintance at work asked if I knew he was married. I said no as he never mentioned wife or kids. I asked him later and he said yes he was married but very unhappy. Stupidity, my boundaries were still loose and I felt sorry for his plight at home. I wanted to be a good friend. He had not tried to be physical with me up to that point. It was fine with me as I like to take things slow.

 

He started talking more personal, then came on physically to me. We started the sex and what followed was several years of pain & misery.

 

I was too friendly with this guy from the start because he was friendly to me. Because he was totally platonic yet also making me feel special (bringing me donuts, coffee, lunches), I felt ok about things. I even kept talking to him after he confirmed he was married! Bad me.

 

I think being overly friendly with men gives off an "easy" vibe. Later discovered I was totally played by this man. Turns out he was doing this with other women besides me. A real player.

 

Now when I date, I'm totally paranoid and start searching online to research the guys I date! I've also consciously toned down my eagerness with men generally.

 

Lesson learned .... but what a hard one!

[kim42]

Thanks guys for all your replies. I'll try to answer/clarify some things.

I didn't ask him if he was single because I thought it was an inappropriate question for a coworker.

Someone said I am acting thirsty/desperate. I obviously can't say how men perceive me, but as far as this guy I honestly don't think I was throwing myself at him. He asked me to hang out after work and as far as I know he didn't hang out with anyone else from the office. He started to text me and ask personal questions. He was even texting me once he left the city. He didn't say explicitly he liked me but he spent a lot of time with me outside the office so I assumed he could be interested.

Now I don't know why he chose me and not another co-worker but I was not the first one to text him or anything.

Was this all just him being friendly? I didn't think so but maybe I was wrong.

I admitted I was lonely during the lockdown so obviously I was happy to spend time with a nice guy. Maybe I was reading too much into this.

[SherrySher]

Kim, I think what people are trying to tell you, is that you think it's only being friendly, but he sees a vulnerable young lady who is desperate for attention or more than eager and he thinks you're an easy target.

 

That's not a compliment.

You need to possibly take a look at what kind of messages you are giving people. You are thinking he likes you, thinks you're special and that you talking to people easily, makes you friendly.

But in reality, it has more to do with he sees an easy target and someone he possibly respects less than others (as he wouldn't try it with them! After all he is a married man.) And you're giving the impression of looking desperate and lonely for anyone to talk to you.

 

You need to take a step back and reassess how you are coming off to people and maybe if work is not the place to be trying to find love.

 

He's an a** for even taking it as far as he did. No...he's not a nice guy! He is a married man who is getting too friendly with someone other than his wife. He asks you to hang out after work? He needs to be getting home to his wife and to his family and not playing games.

Then he starts to text you!?!

That's not how married men behave (at least not the good ones).

 

Take a good look at the situation, your judgement is way off about this guy and you need to maybe take a look at who you think is a good person, or not.

 

As for inappropriate, the second he asks you to meet after work, is the second you have every right to ask if he is single and what he is looking for.

You need to establish far better boundaries than you do.

[Celine2]

Kim, I think it happens to lots of women... It has happened to me too but I naturally brush them off. I remember one year, a few years ago, I had been asked by so many married men that it had taken a toll on me... I was crying hard for a while and refused to go out with any man for sometime.. One of these guys was my good friend's husband... fortunately they moved to another country and are still married even though the husband is very unhappy.

 

And if you are interested, I posted a thread a while ago here about a man who had asked me out and I was getting ready take it to another level when I found out he was in a relationship. You can read it here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564781

[kim42]

Sherry, I don't know if he's married or not for sure. He didn't mention a wife, Google doesn't help, he just dropped the 'we' in one of his messages so I assumed he's taken. I know, it's only an assumption.

He works in another city so when he was temporarily working at my office, I spent time with him as that's what we usually do when other employees visit. I didn't think it was inappropriate, it's part of our company culture I guess.

As for my behavior, I'll try to think about it but I honestly don't think I'm desperate for attention. It's true I made a conscious effort to be more friendly because people were telling me I was cold. I really wonder why would this guy think of me as an easy target. Some co-workers were talking to him a lot more than me at the office, they invited him for lunch, I didn't do any of this.

I'll just move on and hope he won't visit anytime soon.

[dias]

Sherry, I don't know if he's married or not for sure. He didn't mention a wife, Google doesn't help, he just dropped the 'we' in one of his messages so I assumed he's taken. I know, it's only an assumption.

He works in another city so when he was temporarily working at my office, I spent time with him as that's what we usually do when other employees visit. I didn't think it was inappropriate, it's part of our company culture I guess.

As for my behavior, I'll try to think about it but I honestly don't think I'm desperate for attention. It's true I made a conscious effort to be more friendly because people were telling me I was cold. I really wonder why would this guy think of me as an easy target. Some co-workers were talking to him a lot more than me at the office, they invited him for lunch, I didn't do any of this.

I'll just move on and hope he won't visit anytime soon.

 

It's great if you are friendly, way better than being cold.

 

You don't need to change anything about the way you treat people. Just don't make assumptions. Ask point blank "are you single?" It's not offensive. The rest is the numbers game.

 

:)

[kim42]

Thanks Dias, I'll try to make fewer assumptions and be more direct.

[Wiseman2]

lol Hope that's a joke. Nothing could be more inappropriate,desperate or awkward.

Ask point blank "are you single?"

[kim42]

I think it's pretty direct, not sure if it's okay to ask this.

So I did a bit more of Google searching and this guy does have a girlfriend. At least I know and can focus on different things. I'd say it was just bad luck.

[SherrySher]

No one said you had to be "cold". But at work, it makes more sense to be careful and maybe not so ready to befriend anyone, when trying to find a relationship. Also to make sure the person you're spending time with is single.

 

Oh...he does have a girlfriend. Back to my same advice then. He's an a**. Grrr, men like that really annoy me. I wonder what his girlfriend would think of the way he acts with his co workers.

 

You sound like a sweet person, Kim. But that can come off as vulnerable to a lot of men. Try to protect yourself. That's all I'm saying.

[dias]

lol Hope that's a joke. Nothing could be more inappropriate,desperate or awkward.

 

I said it half-jokingly yeah but I have asked this question some times. I don't think it was inappropriate or I looked desperate. Of course, it depends how you say it. Also, I learned what I wanted. I don't like wasting time imagining things....

 

At the end of the day you have to be more direct if you are not, something along the lines "do you want to go for a coffee sometime?" or something like that anyway. Most people get what you mean.

 

Kim don't listen to me, my brain is wired differently, take advice from normal people :)

[Batya33]

I think it's pretty direct, not sure if it's okay to ask this.

So I did a bit more of Google searching and this guy does have a girlfriend. At least I know and can focus on different things. I'd say it was just bad luck.

 

Did he ask you on a date or to go to a professional event/meet up at one? Pre internet -1990s -there was a guy who would come to our office from an office in another state. We met a few times. I was never sure if he had a girlfriend -I mean I knew he did at one time, then it seemed like they were on the outs -but it didn't matter to me as I was single and I had no intention of dating him.

 

One time he was visiting our offices for a couple of days and he wanted to watch Seinfeld with me at my place -honestly back then I was so naive/gullible -it was a special Seinfeld I guess if I remember right. So I said sure. I really didn't think twice about it until he told me he was packing overnight stuff in case as he implied, something happened. So I immediately rescinded the invitation. Nothing ever happened. He quit our company a few months later. I believe he married his girlfriend - we're talking over 20 years ago -and yes out of curiosity I looked him up on Facebook and looks like they are still married, kids, the whole thing. I mean who knows right? Not my business. Was he attractive -yes, sure, objectively -but I never had an intention of dating him or hooking up, back then I thought it was ok for a coworker to come over while in our offices on business and watch a show - and I was incredibly naive. I'm glad I realized before he actually stepped foot in my place.

 

Just saying -these things can happen, snowball, especially when it's out of context like in a gray area work situation. The first time my now husband asked me out for lunch I had no idea if he meant it as a date -he worked on a different floor/different department, I knew he was single, so was I and it was a workday lunch. The lunch was completely platonic and I realized he was interested or could be. When he asked me out for drinks after work I absolutely knew he meant it as a date. So yes there are some guessing games/assumptions involved.

[Wiseman2]

Google is your friend. Sounds more like a misunderstanding than bad luck. Try not to assume every guy who flirts wants to date.

So I did a bit more of Google searching and this guy does have a girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

Creepy as hell and bordering on flirting with a sexual harassment case at work.

I have asked this question some times.

[kim42]

Hi Batya, he asked me to hang out after work a few times and would text me a lot. I don't know if it was a date, but it was just me and him. No professional events. I showed his texts to a friend of mine and she said he was flirting. I don't think this way ok since he has a gf. But it's fine, I learned my lesson.

[kim42]

Google is your friend. Sounds more like a misunderstanding than bad luck. Try not to assume every guy who flirts wants to date.

I'm trying to keep this on mind :)

[Lambert]

While a big part of me always goes back to not letting the hard, cold world make me into a hard and cold person. I do think It is worth the oldage "trust but verify".

 

Especially in the area of dating. And in the office making it clear isn't a bad way to go when dealing with the opposite sex.

 

It could be as simple as saying, "hey, by the way, are you single or what?" You can always add in a "I don't even know that about you. " or "I'm asking because I am single and I would like to know"

 

Try to remember married guys know they are married. And they shouldn't be dipping the pen the office inkwell if you get my drift.

 

People with stuff to hide count on you being too nice, too polite, to ask a genuine question that you have every right to ask to anyone that is stepping into your personal world.

 

Be the type of person that is upfront and expects that from others. some people may be put off or feel that too aggressive or whatever, but that's a good thing.

 

Further, if a guy says he's married but unhappily so, run! That's way more drama than anyone is worth.

 

Don't blame yourself, but be aware. And don't let people take advantage of your good nature. ♡

[Jibralta]

Did he ask you on a date or to go to a professional event/meet up at one? Pre internet -1990s -there was a guy who would come to our office from an office in another state. We met a few times. I was never sure if he had a girlfriend -I mean I knew he did at one time, then it seemed like they were on the outs -but it didn't matter to me as I was single and I had no intention of dating him.

 

One time he was visiting our offices for a couple of days and he wanted to watch Seinfeld with me at my place -honestly back then I was so naive/gullible -it was a special Seinfeld I guess if I remember right. So I said sure. I really didn't think twice about it until he told me he was packing overnight stuff in case as he implied, something happened. So I immediately rescinded the invitation. Nothing ever happened. He quit our company a few months later. I believe he married his girlfriend - we're talking over 20 years ago -and yes out of curiosity I looked him up on Facebook and looks like they are still married, kids, the whole thing. I mean who knows right? Not my business. Was he attractive -yes, sure, objectively -but I never had an intention of dating him or hooking up, back then I thought it was ok for a coworker to come over while in our offices on business and watch a show - and I was incredibly naive. I'm glad I realized before he actually stepped foot in my place.

 

Reminds me of something I experienced in graduate school. It went on for a couple of years.

 

It seemed like my classmate, Joe, paid a lot of attention to me. I started to think that he liked me. He was always ready to laugh at my jokes (even when they weren't that funny). He went to lunch whenever I went to lunch. And wherever I chose my seat for the semester, he'd choose the next desk over. We basically sat together for two years, until the class was broken up into different studios and it wasn't possible to sit together anymore.

 

However, I could never be 100% sure about Joe's motives towards me. First of all, he was outgoing and friendly in general. He lit up a room and everybody in the class loved him. I might just be reading too much into his personality. Secondly, I wasn't sure if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I knew he had one (Linda), during the first semester. But by the second semester and beyond, he stopped mentioning her altogether. Yet he never mentioned a break up... Third, Joe never crossed any major lines. He never asked me out. We didn't have long phone or text conversations. He just sort of doted on me when we were together in school.

 

Other people noticed the bond between Joe and me and mentioned his fondness towards me. Actually, many people asked me if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I, of course, did not know. It was interesting to find out that I wasn't the only one who wondered about this. It seemed to be a big mystery to everyone.

 

I was starting to develop a crush Joe. But I didn't want to let my feelings go too far when I wasn't sure of his relationship status. So, for almost two years, I played it cool and simply wondered. Luckily for me, school was my priority and I had literally sworn off relationships until I finished the program.

 

Then, towards the end of our second year, Joe started mentioning Linda again. It became clear that they were together, and that they had been together the entire time. One day, he brought Linda in to school and I met her. She said, "I've been wanting to meet you! Joe talks about you all the time!" I stood there smiling but dumbfounded, not knowing what to say because he'd literally said not one word about her to anyone for 18 months.

 

After that, Joe cooled off towards me. We were still friendly, but he was less available, and our inside jokes diminished in volume (we shared some really, really good practical jokes, too). Everything became 'appropriate'... even though it was never actually inappropriate... I went to their wedding. We still see each other at social gatherings.

 

Why did he pay so much attention to me? Why did he hide his relationship from our whole class? Did Linda know she was a secret? Did she give him an ultimatum? I don't think I'll ever know what the deal was there. I don't think I'll ever find out his motivation. It's inexplicable to me.

 

And that's really the point of this story... there are all types out there. No rhyme or reason. Very unpredictable. That's why you have to keep your wits about you and not let yourself get too carried away by the crush. It's hard, I know. I was a terrible crush-addict in my day.

[Batya33]

Hi Batya, he asked me to hang out after work a few times and would text me a lot. I don't know if it was a date, but it was just me and him. No professional events. I showed his texts to a friend of mine and she said he was flirting. I don't think this way ok since he has a gf. But it's fine, I learned my lesson.

 

Yes- after work and not a work event is only ok if he'd made it a group outing or told you about his girlfriend first then suggested a platonic get together and made it clear that his girlfriend knew and/or couldn't attend. I'm sorry this happened.

[Lambert]

Reminds me of something I experienced in graduate school. It went on for a couple of years.

 

It seemed like my classmate, Joe, paid a lot of attention to me. I started to think that he liked me. He was always ready to laugh at my jokes (even when they weren't that funny). He went to lunch whenever I went to lunch. And wherever I chose my seat for the semester, he'd choose the next desk over. We basically sat together for two years, until the class was broken up into different studios and it wasn't possible to sit together anymore.

 

However, I could never be 100% sure about Joe's motives towards me. First of all, he was outgoing and friendly in general. He lit up a room and everybody in the class loved him. I might just be reading too much into his personality. Secondly, I wasn't sure if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I knew he had one (Linda), during the first semester. But by the second semester and beyond, he stopped mentioning her altogether. Yet he never mentioned a break up... Third, Joe never crossed any major lines. He never asked me out. We didn't have long phone or text conversations. He just sort of doted on me when we were together in school.

 

Other people noticed the bond between Joe and me and mentioned his fondness towards me. Actually, many people asked me if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I, of course, did not know. It was interesting to find out that I wasn't the only one who wondered about this. It seemed to be a big mystery to everyone.

 

I was starting to develop a crush Joe. But I didn't want to let my feelings go too far when I wasn't sure of his relationship status. So, for almost two years, I played it cool and simply wondered. Luckily for me, school was my priority and I had literally sworn off relationships until I finished the program.

 

Then, towards the end of our second year, Joe started mentioning Linda again. It became clear that they were together, and that they had been together the entire time. One day, he brought Linda in to school and I met her. She said, "I've been wanting to meet you! Joe talks about you all the time!" I stood there smiling but dumbfounded, not knowing what to say because he'd literally said not one word about her to anyone for 18 months.

 

After that, Joe cooled off towards me. We were still friendly, but he was less available, and our inside jokes diminished in volume (we shared some really, really good practical jokes, too). Everything became 'appropriate'... even though it was never actually inappropriate... I went to their wedding. We still see each other at social gatherings.

 

Why did he pay so much attention to me? Why did he hide his relationship from our whole class? Did Linda know she was a secret? Did she give him an ultimatum? I don't think I'll ever know what the deal was there. I don't think I'll ever find out his motivation. It's inexplicable to me.

 

And that's really the point of this story... there are all types out there. No rhyme or reason. Very unpredictable. That's why you have to keep your wits about you and not let yourself get too carried away by the crush. It's hard, I know. I was a terrible crush-addict in my day.

I think there are some people that like the attention.

 

And I can only say for myself, if I didn't mention my SO, its cause I didn't want to miss out on the attention or set the boundary, as that kind of declaration sets.

 

In this case, Joe probably wasn't as committed to Linda in the beginning. And he was leaving that door open to trade up with you.

 

That happened to me a few times. looking back. It so clear to me that they would have cheated with me given the chance. But I'd bet they wouldn't have broke up with gf... typical selfish behavior.

 

This whole thread discounts or misses the whole cheater mentality. Need for attention, selfish, self serving... it doesn't matter how nice you are or great you are. just like a predator, they got their eye out....

[Batya33]

Reminds me of something I experienced in graduate school. It went on for a couple of years.

 

It seemed like my classmate, Joe, paid a lot of attention to me. I started to think that he liked me. He was always ready to laugh at my jokes (even when they weren't that funny). He went to lunch whenever I went to lunch. And wherever I chose my seat for the semester, he'd choose the next desk over. We basically sat together for two years, until the class was broken up into different studios and it wasn't possible to sit together anymore.

 

However, I could never be 100% sure about Joe's motives towards me. First of all, he was outgoing and friendly in general. He lit up a room and everybody in the class loved him. I might just be reading too much into his personality. Secondly, I wasn't sure if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I knew he had one (Linda), during the first semester. But by the second semester and beyond, he stopped mentioning her altogether. Yet he never mentioned a break up... Third, Joe never crossed any major lines. He never asked me out. We didn't have long phone or text conversations. He just sort of doted on me when we were together in school.

 

Other people noticed the bond between Joe and me and mentioned his fondness towards me. Actually, many people asked me if Joe had a girlfriend or not. I, of course, did not know. It was interesting to find out that I wasn't the only one who wondered about this. It seemed to be a big mystery to everyone.

 

I was starting to develop a crush Joe. But I didn't want to let my feelings go too far when I wasn't sure of his relationship status. So, for almost two years, I played it cool and simply wondered. Luckily for me, school was my priority and I had literally sworn off relationships until I finished the program.

 

Then, towards the end of our second year, Joe started mentioning Linda again. It became clear that they were together, and that they had been together the entire time. One day, he brought Linda in to school and I met her. She said, "I've been wanting to meet you! Joe talks about you all the time!" I stood there smiling but dumbfounded, not knowing what to say because he'd literally said not one word about her to anyone for 18 months.

 

After that, Joe cooled off towards me. We were still friendly, but he was less available, and our inside jokes diminished in volume (we shared some really, really good practical jokes, too). Everything became 'appropriate'... even though it was never actually inappropriate... I went to their wedding. We still see each other at social gatherings.

 

Why did he pay so much attention to me? Why did he hide his relationship from our whole class? Did Linda know she was a secret? Did she give him an ultimatum? I don't think I'll ever know what the deal was there. I don't think I'll ever find out his motivation. It's inexplicable to me.

 

And that's really the point of this story... there are all types out there. No rhyme or reason. Very unpredictable. That's why you have to keep your wits about you and not let yourself get too carried away by the crush. It's hard, I know. I was a terrible crush-addict in my day.

 

So two things. First my former friend M had a huge crush on a guy named Joe for years -they were in the same volunteer group together -I met him -he was cute and kinda arrogant. He was overly friendly/flirtatious and at some point over the years she made it fairly clear to him she was into him. She told me a story about how when they were in an airport together with the other volunteers he rested his legs on her lap. I couldn't take this nonsense anymore and blurted out how thoughtless that was of him knowing she was into him. But he could do no wrong. She told me about a day they spent together in the park. They never hooked up.

 

After four years he told her that most of that time he'd been involved-in secret-with another volunteer who my friend was also friendly with. I think she finally let go. She wasted 4 years on him!

 

I think there are people who conveniently do not mention their SO -men and women -to see how far they can go, to have some "harmless" fun. It's not right and it's not harmless. On the other hand I've been in at least one situation where I mentioned boyfriend this/boyfriend that and the guy in question just flat out chose not to listen to me and asked me out. (And I said no, and no I wasn't flirting). I think it's totally fine to socialize with everyone whether or not you're married -whether or not the person is female or male - within appropriate boundaries.

 

I remember being out for dinner with one of my closest friends -a guy! - at an Italian place we liked. He wanted to show me the ring he planned to propose with imminently to his now wife (of almost 20 years) - there was an audible gasp in the restaurant from a neighboring table when he took out the box LOL. We never dated. he asked me out, sort of, when we first met in grad school, I said no (no attraction) and after that we were always just friends. Never touched in any romantic way, never went out on a date, I met all his girlfriends and certainly was friendly with his wife -in fact I was one of the first people she called when he was in a terrible car accident over 10 years ago.

 

So there are gray areas Kim and please don't blame yourself if you're behaving appropriately. Or see it as some sort of pattern.

[bluecastle]

Kim, I think what people are trying to tell you, is that you think it's only being friendly, but he sees a vulnerable young lady who is desperate for attention or more than eager and he thinks you're an easy target.

 

But in reality, it has more to do with he sees an easy target and someone he possibly respects less than others (as he wouldn't try it with them! After all he is a married man.) And you're giving the impression of looking desperate and lonely for anyone to talk to you.

 

You need to take a step back and reassess how you are coming off to people and maybe if work is not the place to be trying to find love.

 

He's an a** for even taking it as far as he did. No...he's not a nice guy! He is a married man who is getting too friendly with someone other than his wife. He asks you to hang out after work? He needs to be getting home to his wife and to his family and not playing games.

 

As for inappropriate, the second he asks you to meet after work, is the second you have every right to ask if he is single and what he is looking for.

You need to establish far better boundaries than you do.

 

Have to say I'm really struck my the level of assumptions here. All we have in this whole story is the dreaded "we" dropped into a text message about his weekend, and from there we're spinning a story of complete certainty about a married predator pouncing on vulnerable prey? Feels a bit much, from these seats.

 

Let's talk about thirst for a minute. I'm reminded, reading this thread, of my best friend. Lovely guy, but often a bit thirsty, clumsy in his read of women. How that can play out? He assumes that women who show interest in him—as in being friendly—are expressing romantic interest, from which he quickly starts to spin a tale about some potential. Projecting his headspace, in short, onto the mystery of the headspace of another.

 

Example? A while back he ran into a neighbor on the street, had a nice exchange, and soon after related it to me as "promising." Nothing about what he related seemed promising to me, in that dewy sense. They bumped into each other another time, he had just baked some bread, asked if she wanted to try some. So they had a snack outside, chatted a bit. Now he was really feeling it! He was having a little get together at his house, invited her, and she showed up with some friends. I was there, didn't see a woman behaving in a flirty manner. Guess at some point during the party she mentioned her boyfriend, who was coming back to town the next day, and he felt duped.

 

Was he taken advantage of by an amoral minx? Or did his thirst get the best of him? I'd say the latter.

 

And if it turns out that the "we" is someone this guy is involved with romantically? Well, I'd say something similar. A story of a touch of thirst grabbing the steering wheel, more than the story of a cheetah spotting the limping zebra on the savannah. A touch less thirst? It would make the whole thing something to shrug about, to say nothing of replacing the instinct to assume (be it the best or the worst) with an instinct to be what I'd call protectively curious about other people, one I think is pretty effective in navigating all this. Keeps you nimble and strong, without being bitter.

 

Be it a neighbor, a co-worker, or even someone on a dating app whose profile reads "only interested in the real deal," you are in a very gray territory. The less thirsty you are, the easier it is to feel that out: looking with your eyes, listening with your ears, asking questions with your mouth, and being totally okay with whatever you get. People are complex. It's the best thing about them. To get invested before you have any sense of the complexities is, then, to reject their complexities in favor of your own ideas and ideals. That's replacing connecting with quenching—and, yeah, that can make someone a bit vulnerable. It's being crushed by your own propensity to crush.

 

Kim, you sound awesome. Nothing to blame yourself for here, or in those past situations. Were you not already writing him off, I'd have said now's a great time to ask some more questions, to figure out who that "we" is, which is to say more about who he is. You might learn that he's "taken." You might learn he's not. You might learn that, aside from the little interest he's shown in you, that you are kind of bored by him. All those outcomes are great, because it's information that allows you to adjust your own behavior, expectations, and so on.

[waffle]

I will just say that from my experience, if a man is both single and interested, he will find a way to let you know about the "single" status and usually a lot sooner than later. And yes, I've attracted my share of married/taken men too, unfortunately. That's why I think it behooves us ladies to pay close attention to what these men AREN'T saying.

[Jibralta]

It so clear to me that they would have cheated with me given the chance. But I'd bet they wouldn't have broke up with gf... typical selfish behavior.

 

This whole thread discounts or misses the whole cheater mentality. Need for attention, selfish, self serving... it doesn't matter how nice you are or great you are. just like a predator, they got their eye out....

 

Yes, and actually, despite all of his charm I did notice that he was a self-centered person in general. He absolutely put himself first in all situations. For example, I could never rely on him for help if something needed to be done for the studio. Another thing: He didn't show up for our friend's bachelor party or his wedding (!!!) even though he RSVPed....

 

I think there are people who conveniently do not mention their SO -men and women -to see how far they can go, to have some "harmless" fun. It's not right and it's not harmless.

 

Agreed. Joe and Linda have been married for about 8 years now. He became a photographer and still enjoys the studio life that we had when we were in graduate school. He works with some young, attractive girls and I can't help but wonder what Linda puts up with. Don't get me wrong... she's no slouch. She works in the medical field and is a marathon runner. Smart, beautiful girl. But she was always these things, and I'm not sure what Joe is able to appreciate.

 

I will just say that from my experience, if a man is both single and interested, he will find a way to let you know about the "single" status and usually a lot sooner than later.

 

Great point!!!