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Is it worng to chase someone who is not ready to be chased


Hoshos27

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So I have been through a heart-breaking divorce a while back, and I have been talking to this girl whom I have known for so long.

 

She too has been been through a break up a while back

 

We had feelings for each other before each one of us got into a relationship even though its not explicitly mentioned, but we compliment each other openly about our looks and character and how each one of us sees the other as amazing and perfect

 

She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship

 

I know she wants to be with me but maybe the timing is not just right, is it wrong to chase her even though she needs space right now?

How can I give her this space without seeming like I am walking away or just gave up on her

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It is wrong to chase her. She has told you that she is not ready, I think you should respect that. If you don't and something does start up, it will not be successful, as she has not moved on from her ex.

 

Please respect what she has told you.

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I'd frame this differently.

 

What you're asking, in effect, is whether it's okay to completely disrespect her truth because it doesn't align with yours. Imagine, for instance, that you and I are planning to have dinner together. I tell you I'm a vegetarian. Might want to get back to eating meat at some point in the future, but right now? Plants only. And in response you nod, say you understand, and then cook me a steak, some ribs, a chicken stew, in hopes of converting me into a meat eater so you don't have to eat that steak by yourself. Not very kind. Pretty selfish.

 

That's "chasing" right now: an unkind, selfish act that will communicate to her that you don't respect her, that your way is more important than her way, your truth more valid than hers.

 

Skip that, I say. Listen to her instead. Respect her instead. She'll appreciate that far more than you trying to push her into a place she is not in right now, not with you, not in her own skin. Tough, I know, when we have hopes and desires around someone who does not share them. But ask yourself: Do you really want the foundation of a relationship to be manipulation or genuine connection?

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Dont wait around for anyone. you might want to. but the I'm not ready for a relationship, really means I'm not ready for a relationship with you.

 

Any excuse to not pursue something, is exactly that. letting the other person down easy.

 

Don't read into feelings thar are not explicitly expressed. especially with "not ready" comment. that is you seeing things the way you want to...

 

I'm sorry. l know its a disappointment.... let people go with peace and kindness. pull way back.

 

If she asks, you give the honest answer. which is- I'm looking for more than friendship. I respect your wishes. please respect my space while I allow my feelings fade.

 

no harm. no foul.

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I see this a bit differently.

 

Both of you seem to have a solid friendship and have known each other for awhile. Just because she's not ready for a relationship doesn't mean she might not enjoy the flirting and compliments. Tell her you respect that she's not ready for anything serious but you still think she's a great person.

 

Where you'll need to be more observant is whether she initiates any flirting or compliments towards you. I don't see why you have to be stiff about it or appear like you're giving up. You can still respect each other and flirt if that's what she likes or if that's always been the dynamic between the both of you.

 

It also depends on whether you're happy or ok in that gray area. Someone who isn't emotionally available is able to float there quite easily but if you have deeper feelings for her you might find this frustrating. I don't think you should assume either that her feelings don't run a little deeper. She may not be able to express that right now. Enjoy your time together and the friendship.

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Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions

But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship

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I'd frame this differently.

 

What you're asking, in effect, is whether it's okay to completely disrespect her truth because it doesn't align with yours. Imagine, for instance, that you and I are planning to have dinner together. I tell you I'm a vegetarian. Might want to get back to eating meat at some point in the future, but right now? Plants only. And in response you nod, say you understand, and then cook me a steak, some ribs, a chicken stew, in hopes of converting me into a meat eater so you don't have to eat that steak by yourself. Not very kind. Pretty selfish.

 

That's "chasing" right now: an unkind, selfish act that will communicate to her that you don't respect her, that your way is more important than her way, your truth more valid than hers.

 

Skip that, I say. Listen to her instead. Respect her instead. She'll appreciate that far more than you trying to push her into a place she is not in right now, not with you, not in her own skin. Tough, I know, when we have hopes and desires around someone who does not share them. But ask yourself: Do you really want the foundation of a relationship to be manipulation or genuine connection?

 

Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions

But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship

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OP. She is showing good sense and is right to take her time.

 

She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship

 

And you are showing awareness:

 

"but maybe the timing is not just right,"

 

Keep the friendship going and see what happens.

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Wow, I must say I realy like how you painted the picture for me. It helped in a way, seeing how the other person might see my actions totally wrong even though I had good intentions

But answer me this, I know I should respect her wishes, its the least I can do if I truly care about her, but how do I back off and give her the space without looking like I am abandoning her or walking away even from a friendship

good question!

 

you just step way back. you're not ignoring her. You're polite... when she engages with you.

 

The thing is, she is comoletely right to express she's not looking to get involved. and you are completely right to take this information at face value.

 

It would be awkward to explain this to her, unless she asks.

 

She knows you were interested. Giving it space is actually, the only thing you can do. She told you, don't make her say it again.

 

I once took bad advice to "check in" with an ex that dumped me. And he was basically like, youre great and I'm sorry. Not a pleasant experience.

 

From that moment on, I decided, no one will ever have to tell me twice. you know?

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Sorry to hear this. Is normal to want of heal from your divorce and fill voids, but trying to grab the nearest comfortable warmth is not the answer. How did the "not ready for a relationship" conversation come about?

 

Right now you're in the friendzone but if you chase someone who doesn't want a relationship, it's toeing the line into the creepzone.

 

Fill your divorce voids and hurt with other things. Reach out to friends family, etc. Get on some dating apps., But don't alienate friends buy "chasing" them.

 

She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship

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I see this a bit differently.

 

Both of you seem to have a solid friendship and have known each other for awhile. Just because she's not ready for a relationship doesn't mean she might not enjoy the flirting and compliments. Tell her you respect that she's not ready for anything serious but you still think she's a great person.

 

Where you'll need to be more observant is whether she initiates any flirting or compliments towards you. I don't see why you have to be stiff about it or appear like you're giving up. You can still respect each other and flirt if that's what she likes or if that's always been the dynamic between the both of you.

 

It also depends on whether you're happy or ok in that gray area. Someone who isn't emotionally available is able to float there quite easily but if you have deeper feelings for her you might find this frustrating. I don't think you should assume either that her feelings don't run a little deeper. She may not be able to express that right now. Enjoy your time together and the friendship.

 

Thanks Rose

I really like what you sed about not assuming anything.

I specially like your way of dealing with it, juat saying I respect you and your feelings and that I am going to give you the space you wanted, but I will still be there whenever u need to talk, or go out for a bite.

obviously the flirting wont stop completely but she will know then my intentions of just wanting to be there for her rather than wanting her to be in a place she doesn't want to be in

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Thanks Rose

I really like what you sed about not assuming anything.

I specially like your way of dealing with it, juat saying I respect you and your feelings and that I am going to give you the space you wanted, but I will still be there whenever u need to talk, or go out for a bite.

obviously the flirting wont stop completely but she will know then my intentions of just wanting to be there for her rather than wanting her to be in a place she doesn't want to be in

 

I think I might have been confusing. This wasn't what I meant - don't wait around. You should date around and have fun simultaneously. You need to move on with your life and enjoy the company of others if you're seeking more.

 

The friendship can continue on the side and your feelings coexist also but she's not a priority. I realize not everyone is ok or able to do this.

 

It appears you have a lot more feelings for her than I understood previously. If this is too difficult, don't stay in contact with this person.

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She mentioned that she is still healing from her breakup and that she needs time to heal before she gets into another relationship She never said "with you," unless you left that part out, or assumed it inside your mind.

 

I know she wants to be with me but maybe the timing is not just right, Do you really know this, or could she just like the ego boost that you have a crush on her? She could be conveying a false hope to you.

 

In my opinion, once you've crossed the line in a friendship with someone you feel chemistry for, discussing that you'd like to date her, you really can't go back to just being friends without sabotaging attempts at romancing other prospects.

 

A woman you start dating will walk away when she finds out you're buddies with a woman you so badly wanted to date. While you're pouring emotional energy and time into a friend you have a crush on, a woman who is available now and would jump at the chance of dating you could unfortunately walk on by, unnoticed by clueless you.

 

Hormones are very strong things, and I'm sure the last thing you want to do is to distance yourself from a very attractive lady who you long for. But letting your heart override your brain isn't in your best interest.

 

What would I say? "We have two different goals at the moment. I want to date you and you want to be friends. I understand that and it's okay, but our friendship will only get in the way of me dating, so for my own good, we'll have to go our separate ways. If you find that you one day want to date me, go ahead and give me a call and if I'm single, we can meet up."

 

Nobody is worth waiting around for. From what I've witnessed in my lifetime, when people who've said they weren't ready suddenly are, it's usually with someone else. Take care.

 

P.S. I am going to give you the space you wanted, but I will still be there whenever u need to talk, or go out for a bite.

obviously the flirting wont stop completely but she will know then my intentions of just wanting to be there for her rather than wanting her to be in a place she doesn't want to be in This makes you sound like someone willing to settle for crumbs. She has girlfriends to have a pity party with. Don't grovel at her feet for any little bit of attention she wishes to grant.

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Don't pursue her. Honor how she feels and what her wishes are which is allowing her to heal from her break up. In other words, give her time and space. She'll come around on her terms when and if she's ready. Until then, back off.

 

Follow her cue. If she wants an acquaintance or just a friend, then be one. If she wants neither, then leave her alone out of respect.

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Is it wrong to chase her? Yes, you already know she is not available.. you dont want to cause trouble with her... or end up being a 'rebound' :/.

So, just back off a bit- with no expectations.. but be there, if she reaches out- to be a 'friend' only at this time.

If you feel you can't do this.. then back right off and keep distance.

Another thing I will add.. should anything flourish in the future, be ready to lose a 'friendship' you already have, because that is often what happens, once you cross that line.. So think on this.

 

Respect Her.

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I would back off and let her set the pace of friendship. If you last saw her on your invitation, let her reciprocate to set up your next meet.

 

Attempting to influence someone while they're on time-out after a breakup isn't 'wrong or right,' it just can't gain you anything reliable. Look up the term 'rebound' and don't position yourself badly. Otherwise, you'll end up hearing the speech about what a great person you are, but I really should have taken the time to 'find myself' after my breakup.

 

Who needs that? Tread lightly, and date other people.

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