He wasn’t fully transparent about his illness

[shinohara]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few years now. We didn’t get serious (as in bf/gf) because of his job travelling/constant long distance changes and my changing plans for school as well. Back in those days, he mentioned he had an iron overload problem and had to donate blood every couple months to get rid of the extra iron. Overall, he seemed just fine to me. So kind, fit and healthy. The only thing that I thought was strange was that over time, he had significant hair loss and I always thought he was way too young for that (only in late his twenties), but that it was probably just his genes and that sucks.

 

Anyway, finally at the start of this year, he changed jobs and began to permanently stay in our city. We felt way more comfortable with the stable situation and it was eventually then the first time we slept together. However, he struggled a lot to get an erection and then couldn’t maintain it for more than 10-ish seconds. It was on and off. He told me it’s because he’s 30 now, and naively, I believed that. The next time, it failed again and he said it’s because he got off to too much porn and couldn’t do it. The third time, he said he was tired, and this was when I finally just felt suspicious about something being really wrong. So on my own time, I looked up various things until finally I ended up Googling “iron overload erectile dysfunction” and boom, found tons of medical journals, articles and forums which linked the two together. It was shocking, and then I even came across other published works which concluded statements like “hemochromatosis is well established as a cause of infertility” and honestly, I started freaking out. There was just SO much evidence of these illness-related issues that I just couldn’t understand how he couldn’t have known, and why he made up those excuses. I also found out that hair loss is a big side effect of the illness. Everything made sense - why he’s such a big health nut too, because he has to be! Being 30, I discovered, is also a very abnormally young age to have an erectile dysfunction issue. Basically, everything I found out was like big puzzle pieces coming together, forming a clear picture of what’s going on.

 

It was very difficult for me to take it all in at once. So I decided that perhaps there’s a chance that it really was due to those random reasons that things didn’t work out. So for the 4th time now, we get intimate, but again he couldn’t get hard. When he finally did, it lasted just seconds once again. I felt disheartened but still wanted to try, and suggested I give him oral. Right before I went down on him though, he said “well you know that iron problem I talked about before, it can sometimes mess with libido” and my god, I almost wanted to cry. Because it’s like… he knew. And basically, long story short, I ended up telling him everything I found out online and he admitted he had heard of the symptoms but just thought this last symptom would disappear too like how the others did, if he continued to take great care of his health. He genuinely thought the problem would disappear, and said those other reasons were comforting explanations to him as he didn’t want to accept this was something that could remain an issue. He apologized to me and said it was unfair to me to not let me know all this. He said he’ll try anything to help fix this and that he’ll see a doctor really soon.

 

I just feel very overwhelmed. He also has always known that I want my own biological kids some day, and yet there’s a legitimate possibility here of him being or becoming infertile. Because of how he held back all this info from me, I can’t help but to feel nervous that he might hold back again if something else big comes up. Like what if he finds out he’s infertile, would he be transparent about that?

 

I understand this whole problem must be a huge punch to his masculinity, especially since he’s so young, and that it must be very difficult to accept the very brutal and potentially life-changing impacts of the illness. However, I’m emotionally impacted too, naturally, being his significant other. I worry that things will get much harder, as plenty of other symptoms manifest as the person with iron overload ages over the years. It’s just a big surprise that I never expected. I’m also incredibly disappointed that I never researched this illness when he first told me he had the iron problem.

 

And, treatment for this dysfunction takes time and lots of trial and error. I’m not sure how long I should wait - a few months, a year, more? Sex is very important to me in a relationship and sometimes there isn’t always an easy cure for these things, if at all. But because of all these years now, I have feelings for him and I care.

 

If you were me, what would you do? I just feel really upset. Should I have another conversation with him about the infertility stuff, or should I not bring in more stress so soon after that last difficult conversation, like should I give this some time? I just need positive reassurance. He did say he’s going to see a doctor for a full health check up and all, which did make me feel better, but I just hate that I got nuked with all of this info by myself when he could have just told me from the start. I’m sure he’s just as overwhelmed as I am though. Help :(

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are incompatible.

 

It also seems more like denial than deliberate deception on his part. You were not serious and kind of all over the map which in itself is challenging.

 

He told you about it a long long time ago and he had ED all along, so you were in some denial as well. He did tell you before you got serious.

 

Either way whaever his sexual problems are due to, you can't handle it so you'll have to let him go.

[Cherylyn]

It makes you wonder if he's this dishonest, what else is he hiding from you?

 

You need to question his lack of integrity, his lack of being forthright with you considering you've been seeing this guy for a few YEARS.

 

Either accept the way he is, deceit and all or find another man who tells you the truth without waiting YEARS for you to discover the real truth eventually. This decision is yours.

[shinohara]

He told you about it a long long time ago and he had ED all along, so you were in some denial as well.

 

I didn't know he had ED at all, and with his excuses about it, I wasn't in denial, I simply didn't know. I didn't even really know what ED was until recently :(

 

It makes you wonder if he's this dishonest, what else is he hiding from you?

 

You need to question his lack of integrity, his lack of being forthright with you considering you've been seeing this guy for a few YEARS.

 

Either accept the way he is, deceit and all or find another man who tells you the truth without waiting YEARS for you to discover the real truth eventually. This decision is yours.

 

So basically, I should see this more as deceit rather than sympathize about how hard it must be for him to come to terms with his illness? It genuinely sounded like he was very upset about this issue and that he genuinely believed this symptom would disappear, a.k.a. having no need to really let me know since it's going to disappear like the other signs did (in his mind at the time). I'm just upset so I'm not really thinking clearly right now.

 

Also, considering he hasn't been with anyone other than me for all these years, and we haven't been intimate until this year, he couldn't really have known he had ED, since it shows up later around now, his current age. So it could have totally seemed like he's completely fine. At least that's how I'm seeing it?

[Seraphim]

I think having sympathy and compassion for someone with an illness goes a long way. You never know one day one second when your life could change and you could have a serious illness and might expect a little sympathy .I imagine he is highly embarrassed. I mean not that he should be but he probably is. I’m not saying that you have to remain with him if you want to have your own children but I wouldn’t look at it as an out right deception.

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all, in my experience it's actually reasonably common for men (even younger) to have problems with being hard and it can be caused by a lot of things, not just iron overload. A number of guys I've been with had trouble with it, for various reasons. A couple of guys I dated had trouble due to their antidepressant medications, and some guys due to anxiety I think.

 

I imagine it is very nerve wrecking for a guy to be having trouble with this and it causes even more anxiety, which in turn causes more erectile dysfunction. There are treatments for it I'm sure, such as taking Viagra, supplements, etc. Personally this would not be my only reason for ending a relationship, at least not until different treatments have been tried. My ex fiance had issues with ED due to his antidepressants but I was still with him for two years. Sometimes he took Viagra or we just did other sexual stuff.

 

I don't think this guy lied to you about his erection problems. I mean, you were actually not even intimate before. Maybe he was also anxious and it worsened the problem, but by himself he can get hard more often. I mean, what guy when you first meet him is going to tell you: "Hey, by the way, I have erection problems." It's a very sensitive topic to open up about.

 

I wouldn't actually just make an assumption about anything until he has done tests and got treatments. You don't know if he's infertile. Maybe he's not. Just because you read things in Google doesn't mean they 100% apply to every single person.

 

Up to you if you want to date someone with an illness, but keeping in mind that every person might have something in regards to physical or mental struggles. If you do care and like this guy, you could continue and see if things could be improved

[Rose Mosse]

He's getting it checked. Slow down and let the doctors provide the answers. 30 is still very young and he may have other priorities. It doesn't sound like deceit to me. It sounds more like reality and you've just got a double dose of it. This is life. It's long if you're lucky and it's not always pretty.

 

If you care about him deeply, look at him as a whole. You're upset because your life is flashing before your eyes but if you can't put aside your immediate wants and desires and see the man beneath all of the what ifs or you feel distrustful and angry about the situation, this isn't the man for you and it'd be cruel to continue seeing him if you don't accept him the way he is. It would be the same if the situation were reversed and if you had any health implications. At some point it is ok to acknowledge letting go out of respect.

 

There also appears to be a lot of hopes and dreams building on your end, very high expectations, before you both got intimate - possibly building for years? This is the real deal now, what's raw and in front of you. This is the man you were thinking about for the past few years but not dreams or fragments of what you thought he might be. This is who he is and this is the reality that he's dealing with.

 

No one's going to judge you if you're not feeling up to it or if you can't be a supportive partner. There is no shame in walking away from a situation that you feel isn't best for you.

 

Maybe figure out your feelings for him and see whether you can separate the dreams and expectations from reality. It seems a bit blurry.

[Hollyj]

It makes you wonder if he's this dishonest, what else is he hiding from you?

 

You need to question his lack of integrity, his lack of being forthright with you considering you've been seeing this guy for a few YEARS.

 

Either accept the way he is, deceit and all or find another man who tells you the truth without waiting YEARS for you to discover the real truth eventually. This decision is yours.

 

I agree!

 

OP, I am very sorry that you had to find the truth through sleuthing. He has known all along. Also, if you want kids, he’s not the guy. Why has he not pursued treatment with doctors sooner?

 

Had you ever discussed your desire to have kids?

[Wiseman2]

You've only been dating in person for 7mos and had sex 4 times? Unfortunately LDRs can make you feel as if you know someone better than you actually do. It's best to cut your losses. It's genetic and you want kids and the ED is a problem

[Wiseman2]

He's not a conman. He's a guy who told you YEARS before you started dating that he has a genetic disorder.

[Billie28]

Haemochromatosis has many side effects including reproductive issues but ONLY when not treated.

 

Since he is offloading blood regularly his ED is unrelated medically.

It might be related psychologically if he has done the same googling as you and came to the same conclusion as you, 2+2 = 5?

 

He needs to be with someone understanding of the condition that he DID tell you about.

Do him a favour and let him go.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Let him go and stop beating him up over a genetic condition he told you about long before you had sex.

 

You seem horrified that he couldn't get it up (for you) and that's the only reason you bothered to understand his condition.

[reinventmyself]

I just can't help but wonder how informed he really is.

In my experience men don't really delve into their medical conditions. That coupled with him saying he was hoping it would just go away suggests he may have been either a little bit in denial or maybe a little uneducated regarding the condition.

 

It's hard to say whether he withheld information to be knowingly manipulative or was just being a little niave and irresponsible regarding his condition.

 

I don't know that it makes him a bad guy.

Only you will know what his intentions were.

[shinohara]

I think having sympathy and compassion for someone with an illness goes a long way. You never know one day one second when your life could change and you could have a serious illness and might expect a little sympathy .I imagine he is highly embarrassed. I mean not that he should be but he probably is. I’m not saying that you have to remain with him if you want to have your own children but I wouldn’t look at it as an out right deception.

 

Thank you. I actually have changed my mind about the deceptive part. I was freaking out and since I can't tell friends about this, I felt really alone and overwhelmed. I imagine this is a very difficult and "embarrassing" time for him.

 

Well, first of all, in my experience it's actually reasonably common for men (even younger) to have problems with being hard and it can be caused by a lot of things, not just iron overload. A number of guys I've been with had trouble with it, for various reasons. A couple of guys I dated had trouble due to their antidepressant medications, and some guys due to anxiety I think.

 

I imagine it is very nerve wrecking for a guy to be having trouble with this and it causes even more anxiety, which in turn causes more erectile dysfunction. There are treatments for it I'm sure, such as taking Viagra, supplements, etc. Personally this would not be my only reason for ending a relationship, at least not until different treatments have been tried. My ex fiance had issues with ED due to his antidepressants but I was still with him for two years. Sometimes he took Viagra or we just did other sexual stuff.

 

I don't think this guy lied to you about his erection problems. I mean, you were actually not even intimate before. Maybe he was also anxious and it worsened the problem, but by himself he can get hard more often. I mean, what guy when you first meet him is going to tell you: "Hey, by the way, I have erection problems." It's a very sensitive topic to open up about.

 

I wouldn't actually just make an assumption about anything until he has done tests and got treatments. You don't know if he's infertile. Maybe he's not. Just because you read things in Google doesn't mean they 100% apply to every single person.

 

Up to you if you want to date someone with an illness, but keeping in mind that every person might have something in regards to physical or mental struggles. If you do care and like this guy, you could continue and see if things could be improved

 

This is the reply I needed! Thanks. You're right, I don't know the extent of this issue and basically I just panicking a lot. I'm a pretty accepting person, but finding out all I did (the real possible reasons for ED, rather than the reasons he gave me), was a big shock and I felt all kinds of emotions at once.

 

He's getting it checked. Slow down and let the doctors provide the answers. 30 is still very young and he may have other priorities. It doesn't sound like deceit to me. It sounds more like reality and you've just got a double dose of it. This is life. It's long if you're lucky and it's not always pretty.

 

If you care about him deeply, look at him as a whole. You're upset because your life is flashing before your eyes but if you can't put aside your immediate wants and desires and see the man beneath all of the what ifs or you feel distrustful and angry about the situation, this isn't the man for you and it'd be cruel to continue seeing him if you don't accept him the way he is. It would be the same if the situation were reversed and if you had any health implications. At some point it is ok to acknowledge letting go out of respect.

 

There also appears to be a lot of hopes and dreams building on your end, very high expectations, before you both got intimate - possibly building for years? This is the real deal now, what's raw and in front of you. This is the man you were thinking about for the past few years but not dreams or fragments of what you thought he might be. This is who he is and this is the reality that he's dealing with.

 

No one's going to judge you if you're not feeling up to it or if you can't be a supportive partner. There is no shame in walking away from a situation that you feel isn't best for you.

 

Maybe figure out your feelings for him and see whether you can separate the dreams and expectations from reality. It seems a bit blurry.

 

Thank you. I agree. I'll take my time with this as he figures it out. The initial shock was a lot and I wasn't thinking calmly, and probably still am not fully calm, but I of course will get there. The life flashing before my eyes part that you said is 10000% spot on. That's exactly how it's been. I lost a lot of sleep the first night too over it, with all kinds of possibilities flying through my mind. And you're right, if I can't put aside my particular wants and desires, then this won't work out. Thanks again.

 

I agree!

 

OP, I am very sorry that you had to find the truth through sleuthing. He has known all along. Also, if you want kids, he’s not the guy. Why has he not pursued treatment with doctors sooner?

 

Had you ever discussed your desire to have kids?

 

Thanks for sharing! However, there's no proof he's known all along that he has this ED problem. For all we know, he could have developed this symptom this year. And then even when he did get the symptom, he was expecting it to go away like all the other did if he took better care, so he didn't see the full on issue. If he did, I'm sure he would have ran to his doctor back then. He also told me he gets normal morning wood and all that, so again, I don't think he saw a cause for concern. At least, this is how I'm seeing things so far?

 

Yeah, he's very aware of how much I want kids, right since the start basically. I agree though that he should have been transparent with me right when his first symptom appeared :/...

 

You've only been dating in person for 7mos and had sex 4 times?

 

COVID 19...

 

He's not a conman. He's a guy who told you YEARS before you started dating that he has a genetic disorder.

 

All the symptoms were managed, he had said. No cause for concern.

[DancingFool]

When a guy tells you that he has a genetic disorder and you want a family, then it's on YOU to learn more about it yourself and make some hard decisions on whether this person is a viable partner or not. You seem very very passive, waiting for life to happen to you and waiting for information to get spoon fed instead of being proactive. You only took some effort to educate yourself when his ED bit you in the arse and left you feeling insecure about yourself.

 

Whether he is a good person or a bad person is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he has this genetic disorder and if you are the type to want a healthy sex life and healthy children, then you need to actually talk to doctors, get properly educated and understand if this man is viable partner for the life that you want to have or not. If not, you need to let him go. Plenty of women out there who don't want kids or are asexual or have equally low libido. My point is that if this is not a life for you, you need to set him free to find the right match.

 

Btw, dating someone out of pity or because you feel like a savior is insulting and disrespectful.

[shinohara]

Haemochromatosis has many side effects including reproductive issues but ONLY when not treated.

 

Since he is offloading blood regularly his ED is unrelated medically.

It might be related psychologically if he has done the same googling as you and came to the same conclusion as you, 2+2 = 5?

 

He needs to be with someone understanding of the condition that he DID tell you about.

Do him a favour and let him go.

 

That isn't true. For example, you can have all symptoms fully managed, but if you've had excess iron deposits in the pituitary gland, then the damage has been done and is irreversible. Then the resulting ED can be helped via medication or other means, but it doesn't mean the illness wasn't the cause just because treatment was taking place for all these years. I'm sure he was also under the impression that all the symptoms were managed, as he said that when we met. We didn't know.

 

Agree. Let him go and stop beating him up over a genetic condition he told you about long before you had sex.

 

You seem horrified that he couldn't get it up (for you) and that's the only reason you bothered to understand his condition.

 

I'm not beating him over it! Omg. Please put me on your ignore list and I'll do the same. Your responses have been upsetting and not helpful, especially since you continued with the same narrative after I explained how I/we didn't know about this symptom's existence in him, and how it's not a matter of me purposely being ignorant. We believed all the symptoms were managed. We couldn't have possibly known about this ED side effect which remained, until finally sleeping together.

 

I just can't help but wonder how informed he really is.

In my experience men don't really delve into their medical conditions. That coupled with him saying he was hoping it would just go away suggests he may have been either a little bit in denial or maybe a little uneducated regarding the condition.

 

It's hard to say whether he withheld information to be knowingly manipulative or was just being a little niave and irresponsible regarding his condition.

 

I don't know that it makes him a bad guy.

Only you will know what his intentions were.

 

You're right. I told him that night that he is also welcome to research everything I was telling him, but he just said he'd rather go to the doctor and it was obvious he wasn't interested in deep diving into this on his own time. You're right, in the end we can't know if he was aware, or if he was just as surprised as me this year. I'll see how serious he takes this with finding the correct treatment. I think if he makes good effort, then I'll be satisfied, knowing he cares and he wasn't just trying to purposely ignore the issue.

 

When a guy tells you that he has a genetic disorder and you want a family, then it's on YOU to learn more about it yourself and make some hard decisions on whether this person is a viable partner or not. You seem very very passive, waiting for life to happen to you and waiting for information to get spoon fed instead of being proactive. You only took some effort to educate yourself when his ED bit you in the arse and left you feeling insecure about yourself.

 

Whether he is a good person or a bad person is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he has this genetic disorder and if you are the type to want a healthy sex life and healthy children, then you need to actually talk to doctors, get properly educated and understand if this man is viable partner for the life that you want to have or not. If not, you need to let him go. Plenty of women out there who don't want kids or are asexual or have equally low libido. My point is that if this is not a life for you, you need to set him free to find the right match.

 

Whether I had or not though, the symptoms were managed as he had said, and I wasn't worried. Once the symptoms are managed with treatment, they remain managed. This is one I'm sure he himself was unaware of. I wasn't passive about this, but you can call me naive for assuming everything was fine, as he had told me. I agree with the others who said it's on the person with the illness to inform their lover of the impacts. Yes, the SO should look up the illness themselves, but I still expect the person with the illness to be upfront and transparent, especially if they know infertility is a possibility and that their SO wants children. In this case, I don't believe he knew about the ED.

[Rose Mosse]

Thank you. I agree. I'll take my time with this as he figures it out. The initial shock was a lot and I wasn't thinking calmly, and probably still am not fully calm, but I of course will get there. The life flashing before my eyes part that you said is 10000% spot on. That's exactly how it's been. I lost a lot of sleep the first night too over it, with all kinds of possibilities flying through my mind. And you're right, if I can't put aside my particular wants and desires, then this won't work out. Thanks again.

 

You're in shock. It's ok to feel in shock and hurt. It reminds us of where we stand and we can also look back and review our ideas versus what we're faced with in reality. This is a lot to take in. You can imagine my shock when I dated someone once who was so physically fit and later found out he had addictions issues. Maybe you made a few assumptions or were naive. We wind down these bumpy paths sometimes and eventually end up at the same beautiful beach with the horizon in the distance. You can either stay on the island or build a raft and set sail for newer adventures. What I'm trying to say is, no matter what path you walk you always have a choice where next to go or what next to do.

 

Regardless of what happens, you are in control of your own body and your own future. You don't always have to put your own desires aside.. just take a little time out to think about him as a person, as the man you thought you knew and the man he is. Figure out a few things. Rome wasn't built in a day and there sure are lots of other cities and islands out there.

[shinohara]

You're in shock. It's ok to feel in shock and hurt. It reminds us of where we stand and we can also look back and review our ideas versus what we're faced with in reality. This is a lot to take in. You can imagine my shock when I dated someone once who was so physically fit and later found out he had addictions issues. Maybe you made a few assumptions or were naive. We wind down these bumpy paths sometimes and eventually end up at the same beautiful beach with the horizon in the distance. You can either stay on the island or build a raft and set sail for newer adventures. What I'm trying to say is, no matter what path you walk you always have a choice where next to go or what next to do.

 

Regardless of what happens, you are in control of your own body and your own future. You don't always have to put your own desires aside.. just take a little time out to think about him as a person, as the man you thought you knew and the man he is. Figure out a few things. Rome wasn't built in a day and there sure are lots of other cities and islands out there.

 

Thank you for understanding me, it's been a very shocking time, just like finding out someone has addiction issues - I can only imagine. I really was naive about it, and did assume everything is fine, but I'm at least glad I found out all I did now, and I won't make this same naive mistake again. Thank you so much. I really do love him, and as you beautifully explained, I need to think about the man I thought I knew versus the man he is, and figure it out. Right now I'm just in shock as you said, that's exactly how I feel. Once I'm thinking straight, I'm sure I'll make the right decision. Thank you a thousand times over. This is exactly what I needed. I'm almost in tears reading your response because it's just that much what I needed right now.

[melancholy123]

I think he was too embarrassed to tel you about his ED. Is his iron overload hereditary? If it was me I would not want to try to have kids with him if it is indeed hereditary as that's not fair to the kids.

 

I don't think you need to dump him if you truly like him and he's a good guy, but you should talk with him about it and since you've had a hard first real convo about it, maybe the second convo will go easier.

[Cherylyn]

I didn't know he had ED at all, and with his excuses about it, I wasn't in denial, I simply didn't know. I didn't even really know what ED was until recently :(

 

 

 

So basically, I should see this more as deceit rather than sympathize about how hard it must be for him to come to terms with his illness? It genuinely sounded like he was very upset about this issue and that he genuinely believed this symptom would disappear, a.k.a. having no need to really let me know since it's going to disappear like the other signs did (in his mind at the time). I'm just upset so I'm not really thinking clearly right now.

 

Also, considering he hasn't been with anyone other than me for all these years, and we haven't been intimate until this year, he couldn't really have known he had ED, since it shows up later around now, his current age. So it could have totally seemed like he's completely fine. At least that's how I'm seeing it?

 

He told you about his genetic disorder, however, he never specified the details to you which in a way is dishonest and deceitful. Sure, you can have compassion for his condition, however don't forget he deliberately concealed other information regarding his genetic disorder to you. Usually, people including yourself don't appreciate "surprises." It's more honest and truthful to be forthcoming from the beginning as opposed to finding out the truth LATER and for you, it has been YEARS.

 

You can see it however way you wish. Either continue being with him or determine whether or not you see an enduring and / or permanent future with him. Those are the types of questions you need to ask yourself.

[abitbroken]

He told you about his genetic disorder, however, he never specified the details to you which in a way is dishonest and deceitful. Sure, you can have compassion for his condition, however don't forget he deliberately concealed other information regarding his genetic disorder to you. Usually, people including yourself don't appreciate "surprises." It's more honest and truthful to be forthcoming from the beginning as opposed to finding out the truth LATER and for you, it has been YEARS.

 

You can see it however way you wish. Either continue being with him or determine whether or not you see an enduring and / or permanent future with him. Those are the types of questions you need to ask yourself.

 

Before i met my guy, i decided to not tell anyone about my minor disability anymore - not to say something in the "here is the clffnotes about me" when i first meet someone. Its nothing that future kids could inherit. I didn't want people to have a preconceived notion about me. i wanted people to meet me raw and form their own opinion of me. I don't think someone with a condition, unless its contagious or it dramatically shortens their life span has the obligation to educate people about their disease.

 

There are people with conditions that never develop the 100 side effects of it. Some people only develop 2.

 

At this point, i think she should not consider him a liar. She should consider is this a man that she loves or is this a man she only wants to bonk? People have problems with sex as they get older -- women might not feel like it on certain meds, have pain and dryness as they hit menopause, downright say heck no for the months after childbirth. If this is the love of her life - is it okay they find other methods of pleasure until if and when he can sort this out - or is this relationship a little more on the surface for her -- there are other thigs that make him not a match for life and this is the straw that broke the camel?

[Cherylyn]

Before i met my guy, i decided to not tell anyone about my minor disability anymore - not to say something in the "here is the clffnotes about me" when i first meet someone. Its nothing that future kids could inherit. I didn't want people to have a preconceived notion about me. i wanted people to meet me raw and form their own opinion of me. I don't think someone with a condition, unless its contagious or it dramatically shortens their life span has the obligation to educate people about their disease.

 

There are people with conditions that never develop the 100 side effects of it. Some people only develop 2.

 

At this point, i think she should not consider him a liar. She should consider is this a man that she loves or is this a man she only wants to bonk? People have problems with sex as they get older -- women might not feel like it on certain meds, have pain and dryness as they hit menopause, downright say heck no for the months after childbirth. If this is the love of her life - is it okay they find other methods of pleasure until if and when he can sort this out - or is this relationship a little more on the surface for her -- there are other thigs that make him not a match for life and this is the straw that broke the camel?

 

She had been with him for YEARS which is a long time not to be completely honest. Withholding information for YEARS is deceitful. It's not weeks and months. This is YEARS which is a long time and after YEARS, a person needs to be truthful towards their partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife.

[Billie28]

She had been with him for YEARS which is a long time not to be completely honest. Withholding information for YEARS is deceitful. It's not weeks and months. This is YEARS which is a long time and after YEARS, a person needs to be truthful towards their partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife.

 

If you read the opening post again , they have not been together for years. They only got into a relationship this year and this year had sex.

He did tell her a few years ago when they apparently met up a few times that he had haemochromatosis .

 

OP, I assume you have been dating others over the years? Since you were not in a relationship with this guy at all until this year?

 

Googling his condition serves no purpose really as his ED might well be unrelated.

 

Haemochromotosis runs in my family and I can assure you that everyone affected has has several children and only got diagnosed after having 4+ children.

 

What is your main concern for cause here?

Your sex life? Or having children?

 

Since you said both were important to you , then I suggest you let him go.

At this point you have no idea if he is fertile , no one knows until they actively try to reproduce. For all you know you might have an issue with that!?

 

But what you do know is that you are unhappy with the sex.

Have you actually discussed this with him?

[catfeeder]

She had been with him for YEARS which is a long time not to be completely honest. Withholding information for YEARS is deceitful. It's not weeks and months. This is YEARS which is a long time and after YEARS, a person needs to be truthful towards their partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife.

 

Sorry, but I think you're not reading carefully enough.

 

He's had this condition since she's known him way back in their friendship days, and he's been straightforward with exactly what it is the whole time.

 

They only recently turned intimate.

 

It's really not on anyone to educate others about their condition. Whether he connected the dots to attribute his recent incidences of ED to the disease or not doesn't make him a villain.

 

OP, my heart goes out to you and to BF. Do enough research to make up your own mind about whether you want to be in or out, but I think you're caring enough to avoid putting him through a wringer of accountability.