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My wife and I have been married for over a year after dating for two years. We met online and found out we practically lived across the street from each other.

 

We are both mid 30s and don't really have any arguments

 

What are your thoughts here... am I at fault or is this 'normal' and I'm just making a big deal over nothing?

 

 

So we were just chatting on the couch and she mentioned doing a cycling thing with a (gay) friend of hers. I said it was a little inconsiderate of her to just plan something with him because it has often happened in the past where they go and do their thing and I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son. Sometimes this happens with the partner, but often this is just me alone with this kid... and sure, he's a nice kid, but it is the principle that they plan stuff and just assume they'll have a babysitter without asking whether I am ok with it.

Anyway, I told her I was upset that she did this again, I wasn't going to be lumbered with babysitting without being asked as I'd made my point clear last time. She told me these were her friends and I wasn't invited. I asked when it was and she told me the date so I looked in our shared calendar and it turns out she had booked FIVE DAYS in Scotland for this event!

 

Not inviting me is one thing, not considering me is another... but not EVEN TELLING ME?! This wasn't her way of telling asking me, this was already done and booked!

 

I told her she was wrong to do that and she just shrugged, hasn't even apologised.

 

I've been working upstairs today when she asked me about lunch and I was a bit distracted. She said "oh you're still in a huff" (words to that effect), and just left...

 

 

Is this me just being sensitive?

 

...she did this before to me... she has a female friend that I don't particularly like (sleeps around, a bit immoral) and one day she just says out of the blue "oh Jane is staying over in a few weeks" - our house, again, no discussion or approval.

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It appears she's checked out of the relationship - emotionally and mentally.

 

Do you have differences between the both of you that are long-standing? Ie. you're a planner and more by the book or regimented and she is more rebellious or carefree?

 

From your language use, using the word "immoral", you seem judgmental and opinionated. She may be rebelling against your judgment which can appear negative and destructive to her and her resentment has built up like a wall over time.

 

For the marriage to continue both of you need to communicate better. Slow down on the judgment of who's immoral or not and keep things as neutral as possible. You don't need to drip with plastic sweetness for all her friends but you shouldn't have to speak badly of them either.

 

Work on the communication. I think your relationship is going downhill fast. You might benefit from declining the babysitting job yourself and find your voice that way. Simply make alternate plans, plans even with yourself those days. Stay at home or make plans to go out. Don't make yourself so available and leave yourself open. You're sort of screaming for respect from others but you're not respecting yourself.

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No you aren't just being sensitive. Your wife is being incredibly disrespectful to you and otherwise completely out of line. She is acting like she is single to the point where if you weren't married, I'd say let her go on her trip and don't be there when she gets back. Yes, it's that bad.

 

It also sounds like she has successfully walked all over you before more than once and fully expects to get away with that again. You mentioned that you had a serious conversation about this the last time it happened, but obviously she is not taking you seriously and doesn't respect your word. Words have no meaning unless there are consequences attached. So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?

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Before venturing deeply into things, I'm hoping you can clear something up. In the case of this cycling event, was the assumption again that you would babysit for the five days?

 

I ask because the part you "made clear" in the past is that you don't want to babysit, not the part where you want to be more considered in her plan-making with this friend. So, from her side, she could think all is kosher if the childcare part of the equation—the past rub—has been dealt with differently.

 

But general thoughts?

 

Of course you're upset. It's all kind of textbook in terms of inconsiderate and disrespectful behavior. Makes me wonder how things have been over the past three years, particularly the two spent before getting married. Is this kind of behavior on her part a new, or newish, thing? Or is this kind of behavior something that has been accommodated, and therefore validated, in the past? We do, as the saying goes, teach people who to treat us by showing them what we will, and won't, accommodate.

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From your language use, using the word "immoral", you seem judgmental and opinionated. She may be rebelling against your judgment which can appear negative and destructive to her and her resentment has built up like a wall over time.

 

Immoral is the wrong word... her friend is the sort that will sleep with lots of guys on the first date and then moan for days after that the guy moved on... probably just desperate as she'll assume they're practically getting married after a first date.

 

 

And yeah, I am more of a planner... we've always said that I ground her into making more sensible decisions and she picks me up into being more daring. She's the sort that will buy an expensive bike on impulse, then leave it in the rain for it to rust, then scrap it/ buy another because she hadn't thought through all the implications (but that's another story)... or buys lots of something because she loves it and then we end up with a fridge of mouldy stuff (you get the idea).

 

She's always been emotionally distant... she's like that with everyone and I married her knowing that's what I was getting into.

 

She obviously hasn’t moved over to being married and still thinks she’s single

...honestly I think that's it more than anything... it just hurts

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OP, I ask the same question as DancingF.

 

"So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?"

 

Aside from anything else it is atrocious bad manners.

 

She booked FIVE days away and did not think of telling you!

 

Just to add, OP, she needs to grow up! She is not living with a room-mate who is a stranger where she doesn't need to inform she is going away anywhere, be it five days or five months. If only as a matter of common courtesy to her husband one would think she'd tell him she ahd booked five days away.

 

You are a patient man!

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So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?

 

All the threats were situational... If you invite a friend over without discussing it with me (i'll invariably say yes, even if I don't like them, I'll just spend more of that time out with my friends than normal), I will simply refuse them into the house.

 

As for babysitting the kid, well again, we agreed that if THEY book something and drop it on me, I'd simply say I was busy and make them find alternate arrangements...

 

I just never thought she'd do something like this - five days! I know it's the same (but different) had the friend been straight.... whole different story, I do completely believe it is an adventure holiday. It's just floored me...

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You are still appearing judgmental and assuming things about her friend. I think you're upset and understandably so but don't let that kind of thinking colour your words negatively in your conversations with her. They're oppressive and negative of women in general. How her friend chooses to use her body or enjoy her body and her relationships are her choice. I feel like your respect overall for women is very low if they don't behave a certain way sexually or in a dating sphere. You are entitled to your opinion, absolutely. Just be careful about how you phrase your language because it can be taken very negatively.

 

Your wife seems impulsive. When you say emotionally distant, how so? Do you mind elaborating? No public displays of affection? No sexual chemistry? No flirting? No emotional connection between the both of you? I'm curious.

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Just say no to babysitting. It's not about permission, it's about considerateness and communication. When you live as a couple you need to run some things by each other that effect one another.

 

So we were just chatting on the couch and she mentioned doing a cycling thing with a (gay) friend of hers.

 

I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son.

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Precisely, Wiseman.

 

"...it's about considerateness and communication. When you live as a couple you need to run some things by each other that effect one another."

 

I find it unimaginable.

 

Missing the point, OP. It's not about whether she goes away for five or fifteen days, with one friend or 20 friends, or whether she is "distant" or has perceived as such "dicey" friends. It is about common courtesy between a married couple.

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Before venturing deeply into things, I'm hoping you can clear something up. In the case of this cycling event, was the assumption again that you would babysit for the five days?

 

This time was purely them going away. I actually got semi clued-in as the gay partner said that he and I should do something while they're cycling! - I dismissed it as 'oh this is another them having a 5k run, us looking after the kid for a few hours' thing... It only twigged when I mentioned it to her... so kind of worse, the guys had actually discussed it between themselves... my partner hadn't.

 

It's not completely 'new', but you dismiss the smaller things like arranging milk deliveries without consulting each other, the odd pair of expensive shoes...

 

...I am a bit more considered in what I do... she knows that I can overly plan things so she has booked us on holidays (together), only after booking telling me about them (which I guess some would call romantic), because she knows I might sit on it for too long and then the prices go up... but this is different.

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The harsh truth, she's being inconsiderate towards you because so far she's been able to get away with it. Show her through actions that her behaviour is not acceptable. How would she feel if you disappeared for five days? How would she react?

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The harsh truth, she's being inconsiderate towards you because so far she's been able to get away with it. Show her through actions that her behaviour is not acceptable. How would she feel if you disappeared for five days? How would she react?

 

There's a fine line between holding firm and making threats... or that -for-tat mentality.

 

Simply telling her that it hurts and I should be consulted clearly didn't work since her friend came over otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

 

I'm open for ideas as to how I can demonstrate it to her

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And yeah, I am more of a planner... we've always said that I ground her into making more sensible decisions and she picks me up into being more daring. She's the sort that will buy an expensive bike on impulse, then leave it in the rain for it to rust, then scrap it/ buy another because she hadn't thought through all the implications (but that's another story)... or buys lots of something because she loves it and then we end up with a fridge of mouldy stuff (you get the idea).

 

Weird question, I know, but: Do you like your wife? Do you think she likes you?

 

I ask because you just outlined a very lovely and likable idea—you grounding her a bit, while she loosens you up—but then proceeded to portray her in a pretty negative, venom-tipped manner. A similar negativity comes in with the tone you take in describing her friends, particularly her female friend. I get this is a moment of hurt, so you may be venting a bit, but just as I'm a believer that people are pretty honest when drunk, I think the same is true when they're upset.

 

That's not me trying to negate your feelings here about the specifics. I'd be mighty upset in your shoes. Can't really imagine finding myself in them, honestly, and feel for you. But there's a difference between being mighty upset with someone we like, rather than being mighty upset with someone we like in theory more than in actuality.

 

Anyhow, I think you need to have two conversations here: one with yourself, in which you make it a point to express what you are genuinely cool, and not cool, with, so you can express that to others—i.e. her—in a calm, direct way without waiting for the resentment to get so potent that it comes out corrosively; and another with her, in which you explain that you can't be a champion of her impulsive nature if it isn't more balanced with feeling that she considers you, and the relationship, when making choices.

 

You asked that you no longer be the de facto baby-sitter—and, hey, she listened. Problem is you didn't ask for what you really wanted, which is for her to be more courteous and considerate of you and the relationship when making choices. Time to see if she can listen to that, and if you two can get stronger and closer, as it seems to be the real issue here. An unfortunate thing to have to talk about after three years, no doubt, but I don't see your fortunes changing any other way.

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It seems like you knew who you are marrying and that you are attracted to that "excitement" she brings on. So really, this is just part of that package you signed up for. You are quite literally getting your dose of drama right now. Does it feel good? Well...no, doesn't sound like it. Thing is that you don't get to pick and choose when you marry someone like that, that they'll only do right but never wrong by you. She's always been doing this in one form or another and this isn't really that different, just more egregious.

 

The way she is treating you.....people treat stray dogs on the street with more respect....but again, you signed up for this with your eyes wide open, so why complain now? What's really that different this time than all the other times? It's same old same old - she does whatever she wants, she books trips, she doesn't tell you until she does, etc. This is the foundation of your relationship with her, what your marriage is built on.

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Wow, your wife is extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate her behavior at all. No way. My husband and I would NEVER do that to each other.

 

You need to learn to say "NO" to being an instant babysitter and constantly being left out of the loop. Your wife either needs to start including you with her cycling activities with her friend or limit her time with her friend AND her friend is completely responsible for providing childcare or babysitting services and the babysitter is NOT you!

 

As for the instant house guest, "Jane," again, you need to put your foot down and say, "NO." It's your house, too.

 

Have an at length discussion with your wife which means turn off all phones, TV, computers, music, etc. Have zero distractions and concentrate on having a discussion regarding this problem which is very damaging to your new marriage.

 

Yes, this is a big deal and you have every right to squawk. Your situation is ABNORMAL. You're NOT being sensitive. Your wife is incredibly UNREASONABLE. Hope you can resolve this.

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Weird question, I know, but: Do you like your wife? Do you think she likes you?

 

I liked the rest of what you wrote, very eloquently put... but to answer this question, yeah I do. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. She has thyroid issues so can have some pretty bad mood swings, but on her medication she's lovely. It is difficult for me because I've never lost my temper, ever... never even raised my voice. I don't drink, and I am quite introverted... so around 99% of people when they lose their temper, or get drunk, it is difficult for me because I have to pass these things off as normal things that I don't understand, and have to try to empathise with etc. We're different, but I love her... and I do think it is a smoothing out of each other's edges sort of deal.

 

 

As for the emotional rant, her friend picked up my cat a bit rough... I know, it's petty, but I love that cat. I've never really forgiven her! - the rest (her being a bit easy etc) is honestly more pity than anything... one of those people you look at and can see all the mistakes they make but can't see them themselves. I'll fully admit my stupidity on this one. I'm exaggerating my disapproval of her over one aspect because of something completely unrelated. Still, aaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll that aside, she was still invited without consulting me so it's kinda neither here nor there (but yes, petty!).

 

 

It seems like you knew who you are marrying and that you are attracted to that "excitement" she brings on.

 

You're right, and that's why I asked whether this was all just 'me'? If a priest married a stripper he shouldn't be able to complain about what she did for a living as he knew full well

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OP says:

 

"I'm open for ideas as to how I can demonstrate it to her"

 

If plain talking and telling her right out isn't working, I have no idea what other "demonstration" might work.

 

I suppose you could take off for X number of days to wherever and simply not announce your plans. Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander, so to speak.

 

Then on your return bring in a few dodgy acquaintances into the house that you picked up along the way on your unannounced X days' outing.

 

See what happens.

 

Problem is, she doesn't take you seriously.

 

God help your naive heart, OP!

 

"..and I do think it is a smoothing out of each other's edges sort of deal."

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This is a question for another post... but how do you deal with those people that never make the first move in resolving arguments? Obviously everyone thinks they're right in an argument, otherwise it's more of an educational instruction than a disagreement... but take this as an example:

 

I have been in the study working since 9 am... she knows I'm upset, she clearly remembers the moment I got upset because it was the last thing we spoke about. She has come up several times asking what we are doing about lunch (I said I'm not hungry), dinner (also not hungry) ((it's amazing how being upset can turn off your appetite!))... and she has also pointed out that I'm 'moody'...

 

...but does she not see what she did was wrong?... if she does, why is she not addressing it, if she doesn't, is that worse?

 

What do you do when one person is always the one 'caving' to approach the other to resolve an argument?

 

Hopefully me acknowledging this fact merely makes me the 'stubborn one' rather than the 'ignorant' and/or 'petty' one (whichever is worse).

 

I'm mid 30s... life is frustrating... somethings you look at things and wonder how can this be happening?...is this not obvious? (although I tend to let dishes drip-dry and this annoys her, so maybe I too am guilty of missing the obvious common-sense things in life!)

 

I'm rambling

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OP.

 

No further ruminating or asking "how can this be happening".

 

Resentment will build up, and I ask how does this look to you over the next 40 years? Or more?

 

In brief, what are you going to do? Simple question.

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