Husband’s strange behavior

[Lambert]

He didn’t delete the thread with my friends from my phone. He deleted my message thread with him on my phone. I hadn’t ever deleted it because I just don’t delete my messages. I have messages from 5 years ago in my phone still.. they’re all the way at the bottom so it doesn’t ever get seen. I honestly forgot that was even on there.. I have deleted it now though.. it isn’t the same to me as him watching porn. He watches porn and I know about that. That has never bothered me. This did because it is a real person that I know.. I say I feel unattractive because this girls body is completely opposite of mine. She has huge boobs, thick thighs, and a curvy waist. I am the opposite. Very thin. So I’m thinking in my head that he finds that more attractive. I don’t know. I am not literally asking other people to tell me how to feel. I feel how I feel and that’s that. I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have two kids together.

 

Maybe you just need some time to decide how you feel.

 

I think multiple body types are attractive. Just because my partner is one way, that doesn't mean that's the only type I like.

 

Hope that helps.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't have to delete your/his message thread. Your postpartum and/or self-image issues are unrelated to this. The best thing to do is get to a doctor for an evaluation and a referral to a therapist privately and confidentially. You need to discuss your own issues as well as the general state of your marriage.

 

Size of body parts and the reason he sneaked your phone out to delete his messages to you are completely unrelated. You need to stop believing his boob and friends story.

 

Sneaking off with with your phone and deleting messages is bad enough but he's either hiding something or gaslighting you. This is why you need to stop crying in your lap or to him about your boobs and get to a therapist...privately..

He deleted my message thread with him on my phone. He watches porn and I know about that. That has never bothered me.I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have two kids together.

[reinventmyself]

Was he using her phone to communicate with the girfriend?

 

Cheaters and liars are creative...

 

 

Use is wife's phone to call a girlfriend? That's a leap.

For that matter she can check her phone statement and rule that out.

But unless he's just not very smart, I doubt he'd use his wife's phone for that.

 

But like you said, nothing surprises me anymore.

 

When all is said and done, it's not worth ending a marriage over. It's definitely something the two of you will need some time to work through.

[BecxyRex]

I still think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. To answer your question, if you're thin and your husband masturbates to someone fuller, doesn't mean that he likes that body type more than yours. All kinds of bodies can be attractive and sometimes it really just depends on what you're in the mood for. Maybe in his next porn search he'll use a skinny model again, who knows. Point is, he married you for a reason, because he finds you attractive and because you are so much more to him than just a body.

 

I understand you're vulnerable right now. I had a c section too and I understand that coming to terms with the new scar takes a bit of time. On top of that breastfeeding, tending to baby. I still think you are too hyper focused on this attraction thing though, and that you are ignoring all sorts of bad behavior. Why did he sneak in your phone and delete messages? That's not ok, regardless of what he was using it for. I'd try to find some therapy to get you back on track about self image. You shouldn't care whether he likes big or small boobs, at this point he's violated your trust and THAT is what you need to focus on here and uncover why.

 

How does he make you feel aside from this incidence?

[bluecastle]

The phone logistics, to my non-alarmist nature, seems pretty explainable. What seems to have happened is: he went into the old thread, came across the saucy photo of your friend, and texted it to himself. After which it hit him that—gulp!—that text would now appear in your texts with each other, and so, feeling flummoxed, he went and deleted the whole thing.

 

Past the post-pregnancy body issues—to which I want to remind you that: you are awesome and beautiful and I bet he feels the same!—I think what you've got here is some post-pregnancy disconnection on the intimacy front. I'm not talking sex, specifically, but just a level of connectivity that is a little static right now. In static-y times people get thirsty, and when people get thirsty they seek spice in strange closets. He found it in a boob shot of your friend. Not cool.

 

Good news? I highly doubt this is how either of you want to be inside a marriage, nor do I think either of you want to end this marriage. So can this be a very awkward moment that steers the ship back on course? Might take some time to answer that question—and might take some therapy—but I think time is on both of your sides here, not working against you.

[reinventmyself]

. .I think the fact that he would have had to put some effort into scrolling back 18 months worth of texts to find them seems pretty premeditated. The texts transpired happened quite some time ago. Had he simply been curious all this time?

I know I'm not helping sooth the posters concerns, but me-thinks it's not the first time he's visited the pictures.

[ThatwasThen]

but me-thinks it's not the first time he's visited the pictures.

Me thinks so too.

 

I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind.

Then I'd count this episode as you over thinking and then maybe consider going to your doctor for a referral to a therapist to get help in managing that anxiety and over thinking. You may even have a bit of postpartum depression going on which is fueling your overthinking. Add to the fact that normally, you are not allowed to have sex until six or so weeks after birth, I'd say it's no wonder you are feeling all the things you are feeling. Do tell your doctor about your fears and feelings so you can get help in resolving any of them that are negative in nature.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Spawn]

he is lying and quite disrespectful. he can get porn in his phone too.

[MaybeThen]

Why would he delete messages to you if he wanted to look at pics? it sounds like he sent you something in error. His story makes no sense .

 

She says exactly why: he SENT THE PHOTOS TO HIMSELF. He used her phone to send the photos (jack off material) to himself, so he had to get rid of the evidence. So yes he was hiding something, and yes it makes all sorts of sense.

[j.man]

I shouldn't laugh because that's some super creepy stuff right there, but holy **** this guy's a human blooper real. A grown as man sitting on the floor and thinking he's real slick getting up like he found your phone for you, not knowing how to delete single messages on the phone, and then when I'm expecting nothing less but a bold-faced lie, he hits you with that doozy of a truth. "Yeah, I was looking up your friends' t1ts, beat off to 'em, tried to send the pics to myself, tried to delete the texts, messed that up, and had to delete our whole conversation history."

 

Then he for real just gives you a kiss goodbye like "I'll be home in time for dinner?" How your brain didn't just shut down trying to compute that series of events is nothing short of incredible.

[Wiseman2]

He was trying to think up a story.

He said it was his fault and he’d explain later. I couldn’t handle not knowing all day, so he told me.

[ThatwasThen]

... or he was afraid to tell her the truth that he was masturbating to a visual of someone other than her.???

[reinventmyself]

She says exactly why: he SENT THE PHOTOS TO HIMSELF. He used her phone to send the photos (jack off material) to himself, so he had to get rid of the evidence. So yes he was hiding something, and yes it makes all sorts of sense.

 

or it was too much trouble scrolling back 18 months worth of text to keep finding them

[waffle]

He probably told you some version of what actually happened, but this won't be by far the last time you deal with something like this from him. Untrustworthy behavior is never a one-off.

 

In the meantime, put a password on your phone.

[catfeeder]

I'd view it as a hostile act for a husband to tell me that he masturbated to someone else's photo.

 

Is he generally cruel to you?