My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.

[reinventmyself]

i would have been disappointed if you hadn't mentioned cutting off sex, again.

lol. . . . .

[Batya33]

I think the slob stuff is just a symptom of the real issues here. Sorry if that is repetitive. My husband tends to hoard and has tons of clutter. I do most of the cleaning because for the first 7 years I was the full time parent at home. So that was fair. Last 3 years I work part time so I should do more of the housework but I do most.

 

What I think is fair:

 

It doesn't have to be equal, it just has to feel fair and there has to be room for non-confrontational communication when it's not -because it's not stagnant.

You have to ask yourself whether he would clean if you asked but you wouldn't like how he cleaned or when he cleaned (that would be my issue in my marriage)

What does he do to hold up his part of the partnership - for example it sounds like you don't contribute to the rent. So what does he get in return for having to pay the rent?

It sounds like he works full time but you don't and he travels a lot but you don't so you use more of the living space more often.

 

I too would leave his laundry in the corner -let him figure it out. Today I did pick up my husband's underwear in our laundry pile because I don't think he knew I was going to run a wash but if I tell him most of the time he puts it in. Sometimes I don't check in part so he "remembers" to put it in.

Who does any handy-person or maintenance stuff in your home? You or him? Who makes the calls or follows up? Just make sure he's not making up for this in other ways.

 

He is a slob. I doubt that will change and if this becomes the only issue I'd discuss hiring a housekeeper twice a month . Sometimes the decluttering and seeing the apartment cleaned by someone you paid is a motivator.

 

Good luck.

[Andrina]

With no money in savings, and you can't afford to live alone, it's time to think about a different career path. Perhaps you should move back in with your parents and get continuing education whether it be a trade or college, since you don't want to dependent on other people for shelter. Work on your self esteem while single, reading books on how to do that, or your man picker will continue to be broken.

[goddess]

.....went back and looked at your past posts.....good grief....

 

You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster. You perform certain functions and that's all. If you act up too much, he will do some temporary maintenance purely because it's too inconvenient to him to go get a new one. Note that it is not because he gives a carp about you. It's simply that not many women will tolerate that kind of treatment and his overall bs. Hard work to find one, expensive, time consuming. That said, if you become too much of a problem, you'll get discarded, if he comes across a nicer "toaster" he'll replace you in a heartbeat and on that note, if he hasn't been cheating on you, he will be. You have no idea what he does on his business trips.

 

Good grief, wake up and get out. You won't listen to us here, you don't listen to your own therapist either. What has to happen for you finally wake up and leave this psycho for good? Please check yourself for STD's on a regular basis at the very least if you won't leave this loser. Eventually he'll bring home something incurable and his dirty underwear will be the least of your problems.

 

OMG, I was just going to write this: "You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster." I couldn't agree more. And, he is chauvinistic on top of it, IMHO. Take it from me. I was married to one for many years. That said, it's up to you. You have the power to get out of this hot mess. Sure, some guys are slobs, as are some women. But, it's his attitude that bothers me. So, quit complaining and get out. Like I mentioned, I was with my ex for 30+ years and if I can handle it (although I ironically was the dumpee), so can you. I'm surviving rather well, and I no longer subjected to his ridiculous ways.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness and it certainly sounds like you are miserable in this relationship. He is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Your choice. You can stay and or get out.

[Wiseman2]

Get evaluated by a doctor MD. You need treatment for the mood disorder and suicidal ideation. Get ongoing supportive therapy. And move back home to your parents, you need to be around supportive helpful people..Sometimes you need a few steps backwards to make more strides forward.

 

This man and this job are not working out. Why not look into social services help with food, healthcare and job training/tuition assistance. Being this jerks servant is not being an artist, realizing any dreams nor a good place to stay..

I'm an artist, and for the past month I've been working at a "Drink and Paint" franchise where you guide people step by step through painting.

 

All I want is to feel like a normal person and not have a break down every time I go into work, or do anything slightly uncomfortable.

 

It gets me to a very low and dark place, and sometimes I even get suicidal ideation..

[kalikat]

Here's a Solution for you: my dad taught me this when I was a kid.

Don't just shove his stuff into the corner - THROW IT AWAY! Anything you trip on or step over or whatever it may be. Gather them into a big black trash bag, and at the end of each day - take the trash out.

He probably won't even realize at first that his stuff is missing (will think you're still cleaning up). But when he can't find his shoes, or any underwear, or he has run out of clean shirts...he'll ask if you know where they are. That's when you tell him (out in the trash). If the garbage truck has already passed by - oh well! might teach him a lesson. Otherwise he will be digging thru the trash daily looking for his stuff

[Pinkerton]

'Cause she ain't a gift from gods either, and finding someone else who would be better would be a lot of work, and there is no guarantee that the new one would be better (being a slob is not something terribly unusual in otherwise decent guys), and so she seeks a magic recipe to add polish to what she has, not starting all that very-very hard "relationships" work from scratch.

 

Also, they don't talk with each other for fear of "complications", meaning she won't talk with her next guy too, meaning it would be a train wreck of a relationship too.

 

Some people are just made for bad relationships. Plenty of people, actually. Nothing can be done about it, that's how life goes. Unless she'll decide to do something about it, which she won't.

 

Ouch. That's pretty cold.

[Pinkerton]

When something happens for a first time, I'm offering an advice. When advice gets ignored and same thing happens again and again, I pour myself a cold beer and enjoy the sight of a person hitting her head on the wall through nobody's fault but her own, and find it satisfying and richly deserved. You were offered an advice? By many people? For months and months? Then I'm going to enjoy watching you continuing to do what you do best (making a train wreck, that is) while accompanying it with a witty (or cold, mean and stupid and totally not at all witty, everyone decides for herself) commentary. Actually, what exactly of what I've said is wrong?

 

Seriously, what did you expect? People tearing up over your sad, sad story of a slob of a boyfriend, whom you could leave at any time you fancy?

 

Do you even realize how hard most people in the world have it? How many opportunities you have, in you life, in your society, all around you, you could use at any moment to change your life in any direction you want, compared to the wast majority of females in the world? What a hugely redundant support network you have, allowing you to bravely move your life in any direction imaginable, and no error or miscalculation would turn deadly for you, or devastate your life, or cause anything but mild inconvenience? But noooo, let's not do anything, let's sit and have, just think about it, _suicide thoughts_!

 

Yeah, and it's me who's cold. Huh!

 

No need to rip me a new one about it. Your bedside manner could be better.... but I understand what you're saying.

 

A lot has changed in the 4 years since I previously posted, but many things have not. I guess I didn't realize how the same they really were.

[abitbroken]

clutter is one thing if he's ADD or sentimental about keeping knickknacks -- urinating on the floor in the bathroom and leaving dirty underwear everywhere is another. And disrespect is beyond the pale - but you buy in by cleaning up after him and his friends. you are not mommy to a 9 month old baby who craps his pants and leaves spit everywhere and needs to be cleaned up after, so quit acting like one with a grown man.

[Hollyj]

Why do you stay and why haven't you gotten a job?

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here, whether a woman (or man) is employed or not does not give a man (or woman) the right to expect their girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner or roommate to clean up after a pig (slob). Wet towels on the bed, tripping over randomly discarded trail of shoes, leaving underwear on the floor and urine splattered all over the bathroom floor is gross, dirty, unacceptable and intolerable. Your boyfriend is so unsanitary and mentally sick! To expect you to be a maid or slave is asinine.

 

You feel hopeless? HE IS HOPELESS. He will NOT change for you. Get that straight. Move back in with your parents, put your stuff in storage and start over again with building your savings. You have to start somewhere in order to improve your life, reduce your stress and live a clean, normal life WITHOUT HIM. Ditch the loser.

[Wiseman2]

Do not destroy or otherwise vandalize other people's property. It's illegal and two wrongs don't make a right. Being vindictive, destructive and escalating this way is not a solution. Just move out,

Here's a Solution for you: my dad taught me this when I was a kid.

Don't just shove his stuff into the corner - THROW IT AWAY! Anything you trip on or step over or whatever it may be. Gather them into a big black trash bag, and at the end of each day - take the trash out.

That's when you tell him (out in the trash). If the garbage truck has already passed by - oh well! might teach him a lesson. Otherwise he will be digging thru the trash daily looking for his stuff

[Batya33]

I'll go against the grain here, whether a woman (or man) is employed or not does not give a man (or woman) the right to expect their girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner or roommate to clean up after a pig (slob). Wet towels on the bed, tripping over randomly discarded trail of shoes, leaving underwear on the floor and urine splattered all over the bathroom floor is gross, dirty, unacceptable and intolerable. Your boyfriend is so unsanitary and mentally sick! To expect you to be a maid or slave is asinine.

 

You feel hopeless? HE IS HOPELESS. He will NOT change for you. Get that straight. Move back in with your parents, put your stuff in storage and start over again with building your savings. You have to start somewhere in order to improve your life, reduce your stress and live a clean, normal life WITHOUT HIM. Ditch the loser.

 

Yes I agree that there's a limit to "cleaning" even if the woman is a "housewife" -the other person should be reasonably sanitary/hygienic (heck I clean before the maid comes!). Not slob. As long as there is a system -meaning the sink has room for the dirty dishes, there is a laundry pile, there is a place to hang a towel - basic stuff.

[abitbroken]

Do not destroy or otherwise vandalize other people's property. It's illegal and two wrongs don't make a right. Being vindictive, destructive and escalating this way is not a solution. Just move out,

 

or a kid, it might be effective if they leave their video games everywhere to first give them a bin for them and if they repeatedly don't put them in the bin after they are done and people are tripping over them, they are taken away for a period of time but you cannot do that to an adult

[catfeeder]

Do not destroy or otherwise vandalize other people's property. It's illegal and two wrongs don't make a right. Being vindictive, destructive and escalating this way is not a solution.

 

I agree with this. It's also not wise to corner someone before they go to work with something that they can do zero about at that moment. It doesn't buy you anything, it just ruins your ability to negotiate more productively later on.

 

Negotiation is the fine art of showing someone why it's in their best interest to give you what you want. It's a trade of something of value to them in exchange for something of value to you. So study up on how successful couples negotiate and make trades for they want from one another. They don't do it with vague futuristic expectations that set them up to resent one another, they do it over specifics--each exchange offers a trade of fair value.

 

If the guy is too dense to figure out that this would work in his favor as well as yours, then question what the relationship offers you. Decide whether wasting time that you can never get back is worth that trade off.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you escaped this abusive Draconian environment and have gotten therapy. Thinking it's ok to destroy others property as "solution" is very sad.

my dad taught me this when I was a kid. Don't just shove his stuff into the corner - THROW IT AWAY!

[kalikat]

Its not destroying anything. I didnt say "burn it" or Shred - I just said put it in the trash.

Going thru the process of pulling it out day after day - eventually forces you to create new habits.

[abitbroken]

Its not destroying anything. I didnt say "burn it" or Shred - I just said put it in the trash.

Going thru the process of pulling it out day after day - eventually forces you to create new habits.

 

I was not a slob.

But my ex was done with the relationship.

He put my personal belongings in the trash (makeup, underwear, pajamas, purse that wasn't presently on my person, momentos) and picked through and kept anything perceived of value).

That's abusive.

I wasn't the "visiting girlfriend"

i was the wife who was legally allowed to be there in our home.

 

unless its empty pizza boxes and empty kleenex boxes- actual trash -- no one should "throw" anyone's things in the trash.

Period.

 

you ask that person to leave.

If the person leaves and takes all their stuff that they want with them, leave stuff behind and you double check that they are not coming back then you can do as you please...

[Wiseman2]

And illegal.

That's abusive.

[catfeeder]

That's abusive.

 

And illegal.

 

I third this. Throwing someone's belongings in the trash is an act so hostile and threatening that it could be considered constructive eviction, and yes, it's not only illegal, it could be argued as criminal.

[j.man]

Its not destroying anything. I didnt say "burn it" or Shred - I just said put it in the trash.

Going thru the process of pulling it out day after day - eventually forces you to create new habits.

That's like saying, "I didn't burn it; the flame did." Throwing someone's things away for a truck to compact it on your behalf is very much illegal for a multitude of reasons.

 

And it's honestly pretty unfortunate to have to fall back on an argument of legality just to convince people not to do an overall ****ty thing.

[catfeeder]

And it's honestly pretty unfortunate to have to fall back on an argument of legality just to convince people not to do an overall ****ty thing.

 

Yep. That ought to 'help' a relationship...