Exchange kids

[boltnrun]

Spot on, Billie.

 

The only "remorse" I've read is that he thinks he may have made a fool out of himself for acting clingy and pathetic with the begging and repeated requests for dates and declarations of love.

 

Twice he has minimized the pushing down, saying it really wasn't THAT bad. That's not remorse.

 

Ricboy, I hope that in time you will realize what you did was wrong, no matter how unhappy you were with her behavior. The solution to someone's behavior being unacceptable to you isn't to shove or push, but to walk away.

 

And if she was so bad why do you keep trying to get her back???

[Hollyj]

See, everybody here seems to be focusing on one thing you did and yes it wasn't good, but as a trained counselor I think it's a positive that you recognise that and feel remorse.

 

It's one thing that saddens me about ENA. People come here in pain and looking for answers and help only to get beaten up....Still, it is an open, public forum manned mainly by people volunteering their time....

 

But anyway, hopefully you will learn from this and never let it happen again.

 

And so, moving forward from here, I can also see you are still quite in the denial stage...and yes that's all part of healing and grieving.

 

The sooner you can work towards acceptance, the sooner you can find peace.....

 

Your time starts now*

 

Carus*

 

 

He is obsessed. He has been using his kid to get to this woman. Disgusting!

 

He has NOT taken any responsibility for the shoving, he simply sees himself as a big victim.

[MissCanuck]

See, everybody here seems to be focusing on one thing you did and yes it wasn't good, but as a trained counselor I think it's a positive that you recognise that and feel remorse.

 

Normally I find your posts insightful and balanced, Carus. But I find it downright alarming that you - especially as a trained counselor - are somehow seeing remorse in this statement from OP: "Man I didn't hit, we were having at argument and the bed was behind her, and push her to the bed that was it really."

 

I see an attempt to minimize his behaviour. I see an utter lack of insight into his actions. Genuine remorse for being physically aggressive? No, I don't see that.

 

I am guessing you have never been shoved by a partner - presumably bigger and stronger than you - during an argument and felt the frightening and confusing emotional turmoil that follows it. I have. It's far worse than "not good," as you phrase it.

 

I wish I were not now concerned about the irresponsible messages trained counselors might be sending to men (or women) like this.

[figureitout23]

I’m still under the impression she is as willing a participant on all this as he is.

 

He’s abusive but she’s still interacting with him? Throwing insults, drama galore...

 

I’m not going to sit here and say him pushing her was no big deal, I’m also not going to say that’s a major plot point of their dysfunction....

 

He’s not an abuser. He was abusive but he’s not an abuser, hes clearly not in control of his emotions, that doesn’t excuse it, it’s just what I see.

 

If he was an abuser he wouldn’t have shared that part of the story, trust me. Of all the manipulative people who post here, and there are a lot, who twist a story to gain sympathy who often get it cause no one bothers to actually see past the words, they don’t put their faults on full display, especially not abuse, they hide it, everyone else is at fault, not them.

 

He’s a damaged individual to me and to me they’ve both lived this way for so long he doesn’t see it for what it is, and neither does she or she would have cut contact completely long ago.

 

Again I say any responsible parent wouldn’t be doing this.

 

Period.

 

I don’t care if she feeds the homeless on the weekends, she’s a participant in the crazy, this dysfunction is a 2 way street and I’m willing to bet a super shiny new quarter they aren’t done. If she was she wouldn’t keep poking. And yes she IS poking!!!! Like the OPee said she contacted him during no contact to ask about a book and then a play date... come on... none of us were born yesterday...

[Carus]

I knew my post would incite the response it did but I decided to leave it up anyway.

 

Of course I don’t condone what the OP did...but I just don’t see how constantly going over and pointing out what he did is helpful?

 

I see one line posts like ‘But you hit her!’ over and over. He knows that. I know it. We all know it. But how exactly is that helpful in moving forward..?

 

It’s like somebody trying to give up smoking and all their friends constantly telling them ‘But you used to smoke!’....

 

I see this type of thing a lot on ENA. And hey, maybe it actually works for some people...*

 

I love and respect you all.

Just my 2 satoshis.

 

Carus*

[figureitout23]

Well said Car.

 

And while I’m not a therapist I have been to them and he’s right they don’t laser focus on facts that lead no where.

 

In the grand scheme of things, again that’s not even a main factor.

 

She’s verbally abusing him. So it’s going both ways btw... neither is ok, one is being ignored.

 

The biggest thing being ignored right now to me is the children. Screw their dysfunction, they’re adults they can decided for themselves, the kids can’t.

[Carus]

He clearly has minimal custody of the kid as he refers to his child.

Has only dated this woman for 7 months so it’s unlikely the kid has any real friendship with her kid.

And in fact neither child should have even met at this point!!?

 

What’s your opinion on that???

My opinion is I agree with you and that the OP should get help and do his best to move on from this period of his life*

You are volunteering your time here as is everyone else and you assume no one else is as “qualified” as you.

I don’t assume that and never stated that. That is how You have read my post.

 

Are you aware that there are many volunteers on ENA responding that are actually qualified clinical psychologists but that don’t state they are???

Do you realise there is good reason for that??

I’m sure there are some posters here that are very qualified and ENA even has a counseling service that you can pay for...But no, I don’t see the ‘good reason’ someone wouldn’t mention that they have a qualification. Do tell?

 

And again, any qualified person who believes it’s beneficial to just rehash a point over and over and over and keep bringing it up and throwing it in the clients face...wellll, I for one would be seeking out a new counselor*

 

Thanks for the post*

I don’t want to hijack this thread but I’m always open to receiving PMs. I do like a good debate. It’s how I learn stuff :)

 

Carus*

[Carus]

Hi MissCanuck* - I generally enjoy your posts as well*

I am guessing you have never been shoved by a partner - presumably bigger and stronger than you - during an argument and felt the frightening and confusing emotional turmoil that follows it. I have. It's far worse than "not good," as you phrase it.

I’ve been chased, bullied, beaten up, cheated on and shot at yes...

 

Actually I found emotional abuse quite worse. More insidious and longer lasting*

I wish I were not now concerned about the irresponsible messages trained counselors might be sending to men (or women) like this.

Yep. Totally agree. There were some in my Uni course who I really thought should not be counselors!

 

However, what doesn’t work for one person may work for another. That’s why I always advocate shopping around.

 

Carus*

[RicBoy]

She poked me but she doesn't want me. She probably just likes the fact to see me chasing her and out myself down, so she can then acuse me of not have changed. She was also curious if I was back with the mother of my kid. She asked about it, she said she had heard we were trying things.

[MaybeThen]

Ok well I hope both of you are on birth control

[RicBoy]

For the people saying how bad I am. I went to therapy a few sessions. I apologized to her hundreds times and I had to work one month with her after the break up, she was my supervisor. I chased with calls and texts for that month. Apologizing, I almost begged on my knees for her to take me back and forgiveness. I promise her to go to therapy and I went a few sessions. She was too smothered with me. I spent 6x times a week at her place, with her cooking, doing my laundry, working together. I was a bit pushy hugging and touching her all the time too.. I was in love and I lost control..

 

Even now after month or so, maybe more of NC, when she reached out with the book msg, I tried to see her, told her I love her. But she doesn't care. She just wants to see me crawling probably and keep things for the kids

[Carus]

She just wants to see me crawling probably and keep things for the kids

Even more reason to cut the cord and move on with your life....Easier said than done right? But do it you must*

 

By the way, there's been no true NC here yet so you can forget that....

 

Carus*

[RicBoy]

We broke up October 16th, I chased until November 21st..she blocked me everywhere. Then on December 22nd she reached out to plan for the kids and unblocked me everywhere.

 

My other ex had arrived and was at my place (she lives in another country). She and my ex handled my son exchanges even tho my ex and I exchanged all the texts planning times etc.. Then after she dropped off my kid. We stopped contacting.

 

On the new years I broke NC and texted my ex happy new year and she replied same.

 

Then 9 days later, my ex reached out with the book msg. And I chased her for 4 days again vomiting my feelings texting her 5 msgs a day or so.. This time my ex called me not just texted.. She seemed she wanted to hear my voice.. Her first words were "what do you want from me?".. Then she said she wouldn't come back, has no feelings anymore.. And even if she had she wouldnt come back after the mother of my kid been in my house. She said I don't love her I just love anyone who is around. My last text to my ex was 2 days ago, I told her I like her, want her, but I'm done making a fool out of myself contacting her, that I'm moving on...

[Billie28]

My opinion is I agree with you and that the OP should get help and do his best to move on from this period of his life*

 

I don’t assume that and never stated that. That is how You have read my post.

 

 

I’m sure there are some posters here that are very qualified and ENA even has a counseling service that you can pay for...But no, I don’t see the ‘good reason’ someone wouldn’t mention that they have a qualification. Do tell?

 

And again, any qualified person who believes it’s beneficial to just rehash a point over and over and over and keep bringing it up and throwing it in the clients face...wellll, I for one would be seeking out a new counselor*

 

Thanks for the post*

I don’t want to hijack this thread but I’m always open to receiving PMs. I do like a good debate. It’s how I learn stuff :)

 

Carus*

 

You did derail the thread though.

You offered no advice and dismissed everyone elses opinions.

 

But a “counsellor” is only trained to listen and not give advice. So I guess you feel this is an extension of your “role”

 

Some come here to be heard only , most come for advice. You heard , that’s your job , you didn’t give advice. Again that’s your job. But when did it become your job to dismiss others opinions?

 

No one has re hashed a point over and over. Except for you right now. So perhaps the OP will now seek a new “counsellor” as you have now advised.

 

All you have suggested is for him to move on. Without any acknowledgement or guidance.

 

The reason qualified psychologists don’t reveal their profession is because no given poster is their client , they can’t possibly give accurate advice without one on one sessions over an extended period of time and so they simply give an opinion. Like every other volunteer here.

They realise everyone’s opinion is valid as we all have received the same limited and biased information.

 

*

[RicBoy]

I'm not sure what to make of all of this. She called me 3 days ago, says "what do you want from me", I said "I want you", she goes "that's not going to be possible I don't have any feelings for you and there's no future between us, and even if I had 1% interest in you, I wouldn't take u back, because ur kid's mom slept at your place and now u only want me because she is back in her country"

 

What does she want?

[Billie28]

I'm not sure what to make of all of this. She called me 3 days ago, says "what do you want from me", I said "I want you", she goes "that's not going to be possible I don't have any feelings for you and there's no future between us, and even if I had 1% interest in you, I wouldn't take u back, because ur kid's mom slept at your place and now u only want me because she is back in her country"

 

What does she want?

 

What do you want?? For your child that is. Your child comes first.

How often do you see your child? And how often does your child want to see you?

What are you actively doing to be a more present father in his life?

 

Only when you have got on top of that priority should you be even thinking about personal relationships.

 

So what are you going to do? Where do your priorities lie?

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's not ok to push and shove anyone nor is it ok to use an innocent child as a pawn and bait to get sex. No less coddling someone who is proud of doing this.

Normally I find your posts insightful and balanced, Carus. But I find it downright alarming that you - [/i] see an attempt to minimize his behaviour.

[RicBoy]

U guys are a bit confused. I have no desire got my son to go over her place. But not only my ex is making huge amounts of pressure cling me all kind of names to let this connection between kids to continue but also my kid's mother said that I should let him see my ex also for me not to be immature.

 

I still like my ex ofc and I want her back. I just don't know what to do.

 

My son comes like 4 times a year in holidays to see me. Lives in a other country with his mother.

[Wiseman2]

That is great for you child.

My son comes like 4 times a year in holidays to see me. Lives in a other country with his mother.

[RicBoy]

And my ex is making a big drama to see him because of 5 times a year she wants to see him.

 

I have a feeling she wants this connection to make sure every couple of amounts she can come to check if I'm still hooked to put me down again

[Seraphim]

If your child is only seeing you five times a year he doesn’t need to go see one of your exes. As a nine-year-old boy he doesn’t need to stay overnight and have play dates with a preteen girl.

[RicBoy]

If your child is only seeing you five times a year he doesn’t need to go see one of your exes. As a nine-year-old boy he doesn’t need to stay overnight and have play dates with a preteen girl.

 

Tell that to my ex who called me f sociopath that I only allow my kid to have friends if I'm f their moms.

 

So obvious what went here. I was about 5 weeks NC and my ex knew my other ex was at my place. She was dying to find out of I had changed and moved on. Unfortunately, as soon as she sent me the book text I we t right back to my old behaviour chasing and swearing love to her during 5 days. I'm back in NC now. My kid arrives in 3 weeks. .. She even asked if I had slept with my ex..

 

This was my last text to her, something stupid

 

 

My son's mom slept at my place 2 weeks, we hugged through the night but we didn't have sex, I was thinking of u. I'm not sure why I'm telling u this.... Ur so stupid for not giving me a chance, I'm so much into u, not only as a person but emotionally and sexually. Ahh fk it, u don't want me, I'm just making a fool out of myself contacting u, I'm moving on...

 

I'm not contacting her again not matter what. From now on only reply when she reaches out which she will to plan about my. Kid.

[Seraphim]

Dude this is YOUR YOUR YOUR kid who gives a rat’s ass what she says. She isn’t your kid’s mother who cares what she says. Tell her to go pound salt tell her kid get new friends and block the stupid idiot.

[RicBoy]

Dude this is YOUR YOUR YOUR kid who gives a rat’s ass what she says. She isn’t your kid’s mother who cares what she says. Tell her to go pound salt tell her kid get new friends and block the stupid idiot.

 

I still have feeking for her man

[Seraphim]

I still have feeking for her man

 

Well, I am not a man but woman.