I think I blew it, and I can't get it off my mind.

[reinventmyself]

I have never trusted a man who is that attractive. I've always, as you said, objectified them. I don't know why, it's not something I think about doing, I simply do it. I guess it's a protective mechanism. If I pigeonhole every incredibly good looking man I meet into a player, conceited type, it will put distance between me and them and make it so they can't get .

 

Ouch. Wouldn't it make more sense to work on your self confidence and going forward be a more open minded when you are engaging someone, no matter how they look?

 

From where I sit you are going about it backwards. You should be able to take care of yourself in any circumstance. In the meantime judge people by their character. Don't assassinate or villian-ize them because of their appearance.

 

I am not trying to be mean here. If you are trying to feel safe wouldn't it make more sense to learn to trust yourself first? I can only imagine that going about things the way you do limits yourself and ultimately holds you hostage somewhat.

 

Rhetorical and something to thing about; where did you get the message that you weren't worthy and that good looking men just mean to hurt you?

[Tinydance]

Well, for one thing, we don't really know if that guy was actually interested in you, or whether he was just being friendly. So I don't know if you "blew it" per se. Secondly, if you feel he actually was flirting with you, he would have wanted you to flirt back. He wouldn't have wanted the stuff you said: "Men like you blah blah blah" and implying that he's really out of your league, not good enough for him. I understand you've gained weight, but 15 pounds doesn't actually seem like the end of the world to me. That just sounds like a bit chubby at best. If someone is flirting with you then it's up to them if they like you or not. It's not a good look to tell them you're not good enough. And not every single hot guy is up themselves and a player. I have a couple of hot guy friends who are actually shy and have self-doubts.

[shelby6811]

"Until it doesn't because you had verbal diarrhea about it to someone you barely knew who happens to have a cute face."

 

Ok, this is hysterical and made me lol. Thanks!

 

The real beauty thing...I was always cute. Little, blonde, bouncy, cute. It's fine. Or it was, until I wasn't so little anymore. And yeah, maybe not going in there and having even the few drinks I have might make a difference. I was already thinking about it, so maybe this is the push I needed. Unfortunately I have a love affair with Pepsi and it's not one I'm willing to let go of. I refuse to drink diet soda, and the Pepsi is one of my small pleasures. So.

 

Anyway. So I was cute. Not pretty, not beautiful, cute. Then my baby sister came along and do you know what it's like to have a doppelganger Denise Richards as a sibling? Wow. It was never a jealousy thing, not for a minute. I adore her and am happy she has that going for her. But it did show me every day how differently people are treated. It showed me in a million ways how being so beautiful can open doors for you, provide opportunities average looking people don't have. It's a shallow thing, I know that, it's fleeting and superficial. But it's real, and there's no point in pretending otherwise.

[Batya33]

"Until it doesn't because you had verbal diarrhea about it to someone you barely knew who happens to have a cute face."

 

Ok, this is hysterical and made me lol. Thanks!

 

The real beauty thing...I was always cute. Little, blonde, bouncy, cute. It's fine. Or it was, until I wasn't so little anymore. And yeah, maybe not going in there and having even the few drinks I have might make a difference. I was already thinking about it, so maybe this is the push I needed. Unfortunately I have a love affair with Pepsi and it's not one I'm willing to let go of. I refuse to drink diet soda, and the Pepsi is one of my small pleasures. So.

 

Anyway. So I was cute. Not pretty, not beautiful, cute. Then my baby sister came along and do you know what it's like to have a doppelganger Denise Richards as a sibling? Wow. It was never a jealousy thing, not for a minute. I adore her and am happy she has that going for her. But it did show me every day how differently people are treated. It showed me in a million ways how being so beautiful can open doors for you, provide opportunities average looking people don't have. It's a shallow thing, I know that, it's fleeting and superficial. But it's real, and there's no point in pretending otherwise.

 

OK I am not going to waste my breath. If you want to drink regular soda then accept that you're not going to lose the weight. Especially as a 40 something woman. And you're going to deal with lots of other health problems from it as you age most likely -your choice. I also gave up diet soda because it was triggering me to eat more/eat more carbs. I drank some regular soda when I was in 7th grade and younger. I have about one diet soda a year. I don't miss it.

 

I give up not on the weight loss -15 pounds is really no big deal -but you continue to harp on looks and I see you are not interested in changing your attitude. Of course in certain cases people who are pretty or handsome are treated differently. So are taller people, so are certain races and ethnicities. It sucks that it's the reality. But it's not true generally - there are only a million exceptions (I am one of them -I don't have model looks at all and it's all good with me -my husband doesn't have model looks either -that's all good too). You know why people treat me nicely and respectfully -because I've always carried my petite body in a way that commands respect -not in an arrogant way at all - just in a confident, positive way. People get positive vibes from me, they see that i'm interested in what they have to say, that I make good eye contact. Same with my husband except he is more reserved. I see many people who look beautiful and act ugly and no one is opening doors or promoting them, etc. You see what you choose to see. And you take the easy way out as a result.

 

Big deal that the fact that there are people who are superficial is a reality. So what -it's a reality. Do you want it to be your reality? Seems so from all you write and how you treat people. It's an easy way out 'oh well I'm not a beauty by social media standards so I'm not going to have doors opened for me or men fawning all over me so I might as well suck down my pepsi and give up because that's reality." Really?

[dias]

It showed me in a million ways how being so beautiful can open doors for you, provide opportunities average looking people don't have.

 

Unfortunately it works only when you are a female lol

 

I value appearance too but your case is different. You are a tad insecure. The first time you mentioned something about his looks, it was probably perceived as flirting/joking. But when you keep reiterating the same thing it shows insecurity and makes the other person feel uncomfortable.

 

Also, being a player has nothing to do with appearance. This is a personality streak regardless of appearance.

[shelby6811]

A tad insecure might be putting it mildly.

 

Did I reiterate it? I used the "She thinks you're a doll" line, because that's how my friend put it, so I used her words. The only other time I said anything about his looks was the "Men like you" conversation. Which obviously struck a nerve with him. Also, and I stand by it, false modesty isn't a very appealing trait. I'm genuinely sorry I said anything and I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I may have been subconsciously trying to drive him back to protect myself.

[Batya33]

A tad insecure might be putting it mildly.

 

Did I reiterate it? I used the "She thinks you're a doll" line, because that's how my friend put it, so I used her words. The only other time I said anything about his looks was the "Men like you" conversation. Which obviously struck a nerve with him. Also, and I stand by it, false modesty isn't a very appealing trait. I'm genuinely sorry I said anything and I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I may have been subconsciously trying to drive him back to protect myself.

 

Use someone else's words only if it reflects how you feel -please don't excuse it with "oh I didn't say it she did." I think you are right that you sabotaged a potential adult conversation with this person with your comments and attitude. You didn't blow it then -you did it on purpose based on your biases about looks and the role of looks in your life and experiences. You will meet someone who feels the same as you do about physical features and looks/physical attractiveness. That way you can keep things at a certain level and know that you don't have to evaluate whether your opinions, attitudes and perspectives are working for you because the person you meet will feel the same. There will be downsides of course but it sounds like you're willing to accept those so you can stay in your comfort zone.

 

It reminds me of my superficial thing. When I can i put on lipstick before I take my son down to the school bus stop. I wear my exercise clothes downstairs, hair unbrushed (but fresh smelling breath -I'm not that clueless lol) and my 10 year old son once asked me quizzically "why are you putting on lipstick??" I explained it made me feel a little better about how I looked first thing in the morning and he said something about how great I looked -because he loves me, I'm his mom -he doesn't "see" my features like you are so focused on. He's like most people, most people of character, most people who actually care about people as people.

[shelby6811]

"That way you can keep things at a certain level and know that you don't have to evaluate whether your opinions, attitudes and perspectives are working for you because the person you meet will feel the same."

 

Aaaaand, you nailed it. He seemed to be someone whose opinions, attitudes and perspectives were very similar to my own. We had such a nice conversation the night before.

 

Let's call it what it is: I got scared, I'm insecure, and I drove him back to keep myself from liking him more than I should and setting myself up for potential hurt. I would have been his friend, and it would have been ok for me to have only that, but unfortunately it's not going to happen now. Oh well.

 

Still going to drink my Pepsi, though. Soda shaming doesn't work on me! :)

[Tinydance]

"Until it doesn't because you had verbal diarrhea about it to someone you barely knew who happens to have a cute face."

 

Ok, this is hysterical and made me lol. Thanks!

 

The real beauty thing...I was always cute. Little, blonde, bouncy, cute. It's fine. Or it was, until I wasn't so little anymore. And yeah, maybe not going in there and having even the few drinks I have might make a difference. I was already thinking about it, so maybe this is the push I needed. Unfortunately I have a love affair with Pepsi and it's not one I'm willing to let go of. I refuse to drink diet soda, and the Pepsi is one of my small pleasures. So.

 

Anyway. So I was cute. Not pretty, not beautiful, cute. Then my baby sister came along and do you know what it's like to have a doppelganger Denise Richards as a sibling? Wow. It was never a jealousy thing, not for a minute. I adore her and am happy she has that going for her. But it did show me every day how differently people are treated. It showed me in a million ways how being so beautiful can open doors for you, provide opportunities average looking people don't have. It's a shallow thing, I know that, it's fleeting and superficial. But it's real, and there's no point in pretending otherwise.

 

Hey, I hear you. I don't know why, but both I primary school, high school, and adult life, I ended up having a gorgeous female best friend. My best friend now is really beautiful and slim. I'm close to 30 pounds overweight, so double the amount of you! I am also quite cute, always get told I'm very cute. But I am chubby/fat and I have some acne (used to be worse). When my best friend and I go anywhere, guys have always been all over her. Often I even get left out of the conversation or sometimes they only started talking to me so I would introduce them to her. It does bother me a bit, but not as much as it used to. I hardly ever say bad things about myself because I basically like myself overall. I have actually been with a couple of hot guys because they didn't think they were out of my league or anything. One of them actually likes chubby, voluptuous women. So really it's just a matter of taste and matter of personality. I think you should listen to the advice here because above looks and weight, what makes someone less attractive is negativity and insecurity. You need to "own it" and be proud of what you do have. Also, I may not get as many guys or guys who are as attractive as what my friend can get, but I've still had a lot of guys into me. Maybe they were average looking guys, but so what?

[bluecastle]

Let's call it what it is: I got scared, I'm insecure, and I drove him back to keep myself from liking him more than I should and setting myself up for potential hurt.

 

Worth filing away, all that, since you ended up actually hurting yourself by finding a way to avoid potential hurt.

[Batya33]

"That way you can keep things at a certain level and know that you don't have to evaluate whether your opinions, attitudes and perspectives are working for you because the person you meet will feel the same."

 

Aaaaand, you nailed it. He seemed to be someone whose opinions, attitudes and perspectives were very similar to my own. We had such a nice conversation the night before.

 

Let's call it what it is: I got scared, I'm insecure, and I drove him back to keep myself from liking him more than I should and setting myself up for potential hurt. I would have been his friend, and it would have been ok for me to have only that, but unfortunately it's not going to happen now. Oh well.

 

Still going to drink my Pepsi, though. Soda shaming doesn't work on me! :)

 

I'm not soda shaming at all. Just stating a fact. You are not going to lose weight if you drink regular soda daily. You claimed you are not sure why you "can't" lose weight. Most people especially women in their 40s cannot lose 15 pounds or probably even 5 pounds and drink regular Pepsi on any regular basis. No surprises there. You can drink soda and accept the downsides - the downsides are factual. Not shaming.

 

No you didn't have enough in common with you. He didn't like the focus on his looks and your comments about his looks and your assumptions. Because those are your attitudes and values. Not his, apparently.

 

I'm glad you accept moving on from this situation. I don't think you could have been his friend given your physical attraction to him.

[SarahLancaster]

Or should that be "disinterested"?

 

"disinterested" means impartial.

[Honeycomb8]

For someone that's way past their teens, you are extremely fixated on the exterior.

Looks do not suggest character or personality traits and it's very insecure to assume one's own level is not on par with another simply cos of their looks.

 

Don't talk in the same away again... It is such a big turnoff.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe hanging out in bars isn't the best place to socialize. Drinking packs on the pounds. And there won't be as many embarrassing statements to men about your weight/looks obsession.

 

Why not get to a doctor for a check up and a referral to a therapist, nutritionist and some sort of exercise program. That would help a lot more than throwing a barbs at men interestingly while trying to pick them up.. Your battle is in your head/mirror so don't use men as your battle ground.

I pigeonhole every incredibly good looking man I meet into a player, conceited type, it will put distance between me and them and make it so they can't get close and make me feel awkward or embarrassed.

[Batya33]

Maybe hanging out in bars isn't the best place to socialize. Drinking packs on the pounds. And there won't be as many embarrassing statements to men about your weight/looks obsession.

 

Why not get to a doctor for a check up and a referral to a therapist, nutritionist and some sort of exercise program. That would help a lot more than throwing a barbs at men interestingly while trying to pick them up.. Your battle is in your head/mirror so don't use men as your battle ground.

 

She already said she's not interested in giving up her soda even if someone points out the health issues of continuing because to her that is "shaming". I sense from her tone she is more amused at all her antics and the way she approached this than really serious about making changes. She's making excuses and defending her views on the importance to her of looks and physical features. I would be surprised if she's willing to put in the effort to meet people other than at bars/make new acquaintances and friends who like to do other things given her tone in this thread but I'd be delighted if she responded with that sort of sincerity and roll up her sleeves attitude! A girl can hope.

[teeEFc]

Ouch. Some things I should clarify, I think. Although I do hang out in that place on Fridays and Saturdays, I don't drink much at all. Two at most. I hang out there for the social part of it, that's all. And I guess if I stopped going and having my two drinks, it might help to lose some of the weight. And yes, I hate that I am heavier than I would like, and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't shake it. It's incredibly frustrating. It's affected me more than I would have thought. I was always the little girl, the size two, and I am disgusted with the shape I'm in now.

 

I mentioned my sister's beauty as a way to explain that I am fully aware of what real beauty is, and the responses to it. I know it's been hard for her, too. She has talked about people having difficulty getting past her looks.

 

I have never trusted a man who is that attractive. I've always, as you said, objectified them. I don't know why, it's not something I think about doing, I simply do it. I guess it's a protective mechanism. If I pigeonhole every incredibly good looking man I meet into a player, conceited type, it will put distance between me and them and make it so they can't get close and make me feel awkward or embarrassed.

 

Interestingly, as an aside, my bartender friend and I were discussing our mutual friends and the party last night and she mentioned that T is not a hook up type guy. She said she had heard that I was being a wingman for my friend, and that T probably wouldn't act on it. Don't I feel like an idiot!

 

As much as I would like to text him, I can't, as I don't have his number. I asked our mutual friend to give T mine, which he either didn't do, or T has opted not to reach out.

 

I think this is a great learning moment for you. This was your rehearsal. I'm glad you decided to post your experience on ENA. Folks on here do not hold back.

You say you know what 'beauty' is = what does that mean? Everyone has a different version of what is beautiful. I think you've created an illusion and experienced confirmation bias based on that conceptualization. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

As for objectifying men - I think the fact that you recognize that you do this is a step in the right direction. Now, work on WHY you're doing this type of action and what you can do to change it.

 

I think you just need to get a lot more self esteem - maybe do more for yourself? There's something within you that wants you to feel unworthy and it's damaging your opportunities in life for closeness to others.

 

I wish you all the best!