gohawks292 Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Is it normal or ok for tour boyfriend to buy a car for his ex-gf mom?? The reason is bc she drives his 3 kiddos around and he wants her to have a good car... Please help I’m about to freak out lol Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 What is a "tour boyfriend?" Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 I think it's normal because he's thinking of his 3 kids and wants to be a responsible father in this regard which is actually commendable. The car purchase has nothing to do with his feelings towards his ex-gf. He's concerned about his kids' safety and transportation needs. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 His ex girlfriend's mother? Or his ex girlfriend who is the mother of his kids? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Would you want YOUR kids to be safe? Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 If it’s for his ex’s mother who is a caretaker of the kids... then congrats, you’re dating a very nice guy Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 What is a "tour boyfriend?" Tour = your Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 What is a "tour boyfriend?" Lol you know what i mean...he’s my boyfriend and i love him very very much[emoji9] Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 If it’s for his ex’s mother who is a caretaker of the kids... then congrats, you’re dating a very nice guy Yes your right thanks!!![emoji9] Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 His ex girlfriend's mother? Or his ex girlfriend who is the mother of his kids? It’s his ex’s mom. The kids grandma. I’m looking at it all different now. Thanks so much Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 I think it's normal because he's thinking of his 3 kids and wants to be a responsible father in this regard which is actually commendable. The car purchase has nothing to do with his feelings towards his ex-gf. He's concerned about his kids' safety and transportation needs. [emoji1417] Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 [emoji1417] Thanks, gohawks292! Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 What is a "tour boyfriend?" I think she meant your boyfriend! Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Is it normal or ok for tour boyfriend to buy a car for his ex-gf mom?? The reason is bc she drives his 3 kiddos around and he wants her to have a good car... Please help I’m about to freak out lol Seriously, how is this freak out worthy? Would you rather the kids be in an unsafe car? Calm down. Link to comment
MirrorKnight Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 OP, can I just clarify that the kids are actually your BF's kids with his ex? The reason I ask is that... 1) If they are his kids, then of course he has a duty of care towards them, and in buying a car for the kids; grandmother, he is doing so indirectly, whilst not (being seen to) giving his ex a big gift, which could be misconstrued. Which I think is both commendable and considerate (or maybe I am overthinking this point if his ex cannot drive or something). That said, with all respect, I disagree with @melancholy123 Seriously, how is this freak out worthy? Would you rather the kids be in an unsafe car? Calm down. Even if the kids are the OP's boyfriend's biological children, they are not her biological children, they have their own mother, they (presumably) get paid child support already, the OP has no obligation to love them and care about them like a mother. In a perfect world, if she is knowingly dating a man with children from a previous relationship, she should aim to have a good relationship with the children and support his participation in their lives. But she should not be guilt-tripped not always putting the interests of those children ahead of herself and the nuclear family that she possibly wants to build with her partner in the future. Depending on how wealthy her partner is, maybe paying for a new car for an ex's family is inappropriate when he already pays child support. Resources are finite, if he spends more on his ex, he has less for her. People should not have to live like saints. 2) If the kids are not his own. Then taking care of his ex's children like this is completely inappropriate. Altruism or not. Link to comment
LootieTootie Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 That's admirable of your boyfriend but I would just throw a little caution about this due to my own personal experience. This is just MY experience...and I would piggyback on MirrorKnight here. I once dated a guy who gave his nice car to his ex because his ex had custody of their child. He had to use an old car that couldn't go no more than 30minutes without breaking down. In the beginning, I thought Wow what an awesome guy (heart heart) even if he had no reliable transportation. THEN he had a hard time keeping prior commitments due to car problems ... Dating a responsible and admirable guy is one thing. However when you date someone who has limited resources and time due to child(ren) with their ex(es), that is when you need to start thinking and asking if you are okay being in a relationship that may not be fair to you. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 It's a difficult position to be in because in a relationship, kids come first and the girlfriend is secondary, unfortunately. It is unfair to the girlfriend to always take a backseat in the relationship but there's always the pull for the children's welfare first and foremost. This is what happens when one becomes either a mother or father. Priorities shift towards the children's needs even if there's already child support which doesn't cover other than the basics. In other words, the girlfriend has to "share" the boyfriend or father of his children for many years to come. Either the girlfriend has to remain patient or discord will ensue regarding lack of attention, sharing finances and time with the children and children's schedules (soccer practice, games, school events, church if they're faith based, recitals, chauffeuring duties, shuttling them to and fro, doctor's appts, errands, visitations, etc.) The true test is whether or not a couple can survive these constraints. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 It's ok to disagree with me, I can take it! I interpreted the question as the OP was feeling jealous that the guy was buying a car for his ex gf's mother to drive his 3 kids around in. Nobody said it was a brand new car. The OP hasnt clarified any of the questions that have been asked about who's kids they are, what the ex gf's relationship is etc. so it's all open to interpretation. Too many people on this forum get upset and are worried and jealous whenever a bf does something nice for his own kids or an ex's family when we, as readers, cant know if the jealousy is justified or not. If she would give us a few more details then we can offer better opinions and advice. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 How long have you been dating? If this is already a problem for you, you need to take note and reconsider things. You'll never cut him off from his children or their mother or their extended family. How he spends his money, especially as it relates to his kids, is none of your business.It’s his ex’s mom. The kids grandma. I’m looking at it all different now. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I think the question should be about contact with his ex and how long ago did they break up? If it's just about a reliable car that his kids caregiver has to drive them to school, appmnts etc then its a non issue. Lots of ex's inlaw(s) do daycare for their grandchildren. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Is it normal or ok for tour boyfriend to buy a car for his ex-gf mom?? The reason is bc she drives his 3 kiddos around and he wants her to have a good car... Please help I’m about to freak out lol How long have you been dating? If you're that interested in this man, stick around long enough to form some more informed opinion of what kind of relationships he has with his ex and his ex's relatives. There are relationships in place before you came along so it's best to understand what those are and what the dynamic is between everyone. If you're not feeling right about anything, think over it and figure out what's right for you. Just because an existing situation is well-oiled and great overall for the existing parties may not mean that it's great for you. You need to be honest with yourself about what you're looking for in a relationship and whether the current situation works for you. That you're about to freak out over this suggests there's a low likelihood he never spoke with you about his intention to buy his ex-gf's mother or grandmother of his kids a car in the first place and this hit you by surprise. If you prefer better communication in your relationship, speak with your bf about things. I'd be more observant about how he handles his relationships and what that dynamic is in the preexisting relationships with family. Good luck. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 In a nutshell, yes it's normal for a man to support his family in whatever form it makes sense. On that note, the guy has three children to support, so that's a serious consideration unless he is very wealthy. Basically, for most men, majority of his finances, be it cash, child support and alimony payments, other additional purchases, paying for kids' hobbies and sports, trips, etc, etc, etc. - is going to directly impact you and your lifestyle in that it will severely limit his budget. You've got to be realistic about what you are taking on here because for most men, their kids' needs will always come first and if you try to fight it, you'll simply get the boot. Kids needs can be direct or indirect - like paying for their soccer uniforms being direct, or paying for his ex and kids to go to Disney being indirect. What he does for his family isn't necessarily a reflection of anything going on between him and his ex romantically or emotionally, however it will always impact his wallet and you'll always be secondary to that. So be sure you can handle the "sorry we can't go on romantic vacation because jr needs braces." Link to comment
SherrySher Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 He bought it for his kids, so they will have a safe ride and on one will get stranded. He sounds like a good dad. Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 How long have you been dating? If you're that interested in this man, stick around long enough to form some more informed opinion of what kind of relationships he has with his ex and his ex's relatives. There are relationships in place before you came along so it's best to understand what those are and what the dynamic is between everyone. If you're not feeling right about anything, think over it and figure out what's right for you. Just because an existing situation is well-oiled and great overall for the existing parties may not mean that it's great for you. You need to be honest with yourself about what you're looking for in a relationship and whether the current situation works for you. That you're about to freak out over this suggests there's a low likelihood he never spoke with you about his intention to buy his ex-gf's mother or grandmother of his kids a car in the first place and this hit you by surprise. If you prefer better communication in your relationship, speak with your bf about things. I'd be more observant about how he handles his relationships and what that dynamic is in the preexisting relationships with family. Good luck. Thanks I really appreciate that I think you’re right Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 OP, can I just clarify that the kids are actually your BF's kids with his ex? The reason I ask is that... 1) If they are his kids, then of course he has a duty of care towards them, and in buying a car for the kids; grandmother, he is doing so indirectly, whilst not (being seen to) giving his ex a big gift, which could be misconstrued. Which I think is both commendable and considerate (or maybe I am overthinking this point if his ex cannot drive or something). That said, with all respect, I disagree with @melancholy123 Even if the kids are the OP's boyfriend's biological children, they are not her biological children, they have their own mother, they (presumably) get paid child support already, the OP has no obligation to love them and care about them like a mother. In a perfect world, if she is knowingly dating a man with children from a previous relationship, she should aim to have a good relationship with the children and support his participation in their lives. But she should not be guilt-tripped not always putting the interests of those children ahead of herself and the nuclear family that she possibly wants to build with her partner in the future. Depending on how wealthy her partner is, maybe paying for a new car for an ex's family is inappropriate when he already pays child support. Resources are finite, if he spends more on his ex, he has less for her. People should not have to live like saints. 2) If the kids are not his own. Then taking care of his ex's children like this is completely inappropriate. Altruism or not. Thank you I appreciate that! Yeah “melancholy” was pretty tough on me lol! Link to comment
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