For those who are a bit older

[waffle]

Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

 

You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

 

From someone who learned the hard way.

[Seraphim]

Waffle, I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter . 😢

 

Exactly, I just wish my husband will get to the point where he will stop being abused by these people. They tell him to jump and he asks how high. But he’s getting pretty fed up .

[Starlight925]

Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

 

You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

 

From someone who learned the hard way.

 

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry about this. What a devastating loss for you.

 

Your post is so true, and so awesome. People treat us the way we allow them to.

[Hollyj]

Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

 

You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

 

From someone who learned the hard way.

 

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.

 

Totally agree with all of your points!

[Batya33]

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry about this. What a devastating loss for you.

 

Your post is so true, and so awesome. People treat us the way we allow them to.

 

Same sentiments here. I cannot even imagine. So glad to hear you stand up for yourself!

[Cherylyn]

I'm so sorry ~Seraphim~.

 

I can't speak for everyone. Whenever I start feeling down and lose self confidence and succumb to low self esteem, what helps me is working out. Granted, exercise isn't a picnic, however, exercise is non-negotiable for me so I force myself to do it even when I don't feel like dragging myself out there. I workout, sweat it out for over an hour, take an exhilarating shower, clean up, eat and feel like a million dollars! It gets me out of my blues. Also, I watch what I eat and constantly dieting like crazy in order to keep my weight under control and lose weight, too. I've since lost 35 pounds and never felt better.

 

I do what I enjoy such as outings to the beach, lake, walks with my husband, my dog before she passed away a few months ago, occasional meals out, watch a great movie at home, cook delicious meals for my family and my hobbies. I enjoy the following hobbies: stamping / embossing greet cards for all occasions, calligraphy, crocheting, knitting, cross stitching, embroidery, sewing, quilting, wax sealing for envelopes, scrapbooking and cake decorating for all occasions. Enjoyable distractions are wonderful.

 

To me, taking care of one's health is vitally important otherwise I'm no good to anybody. I turn into a lazy blob if I don't maintain my exercise and diet regimen like clockwork.

 

No matter how hard life has been, I've always incorporated exercise and dieting for as long as I can remember and this diligence helps me cope with stress so much better. Suddenly, stress is not as bad as it really is. I can handle it. Exercise and dieting also changes the way I think. Instead of all doom and gloom all the time, I count my many blessings. I transform negatives into positive thoughts.

 

I've had many insurmountable challenges throughout my life stemming all the way back to my painful childhood / teen / young adulthood years which continue to haunt me to this day. There are current stresses that I have to deal with. Having said that, whenever I concentrate on taking great care of my health, I feel as if I can take on the world. I look and feel great.

 

I never want to live just like mainstream America. I want to be better than that so I work on it and all that hard work finally paid off.

 

I keep body and soul together with diet, exercise and my Christian faith.

 

Also, I'm grateful for my husband. He is the rock of the family. He's very handy, fixes everything such as cars and everything in the home. He maintains our house beautifully, does all plumbing, electrical, construction, everything. I never have to hire a contractor. He saves us a ton of money. He helps with child rearing ever since my sons were newborns, always picks up the slack, grocery shops, cooks, cleans the house, laundry and extremely helpful. I can always lean on him and fall back on him. He's my right hand man. He treats me with respect and love. He's just like his father. He is the love of my life.

 

I'm grateful for my sons, my mother, siblings, my in-laws, relatives who reside far and near, my BFF ever since I was 9 years old whom I get together with 1 - 2 times a month for walks, dining out and shopping. I have a good life compared to long ago. I look for all the good going on in my life nowadays. My BFF said I have a "Cinderella story" and she is right. My BFF knew where I came from and she couldn't be more correct.

 

I'm grateful for past hardships such as when I was a young girl having to support my widowed mother and siblings by working a 40 hours night shift job from 4PM to 1AM while enrolled in school full time by day. That was a rough and tough life and I've worked with awful people. Then a few years later, I met my husband and he opened up a whole new, fabulous, affluent world for me.

 

While I'm exercising, I often think of those horrible years and how I was never able to enjoy my summers. I had no time for friends and no time to enjoy life because I was swamped with just trying to survive everyday. Whenever I compare my life today with back in the day, this keeps my body and soul together without going over the deep end.

 

No pain no gain.

 

When I attended my recent HS reunion, other former classmates had a different life than mine. They hailed from idyllic backgrounds, a comfortable middle class life, mom 'n pop 'n apple pie existence and everything I envied when I was growing up in my hometown. I so wanted their life. Fastforward to the reunion. I was shocked by their very high divorce rates, many of them didn't have good jobs that paid well, they were barely scraping by, broken families, economic hardship and life was not good to them. Many of them didn't end up faring well. I'm the complete opposite. My early life was an endless nightmare while they were partying away. My current life is a tremendous sigh of relief compared to back then.

 

My country MIL (mother-in-law) has this old saying: "While everyone was busy sloshing around in the bucket of milk (partying hearty), the cream rises to the top." This means work hard now, enjoy life later. I did.

[Cherylyn]

Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

 

You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

 

From someone who learned the hard way.

 

I'm extremely sorry for your loss, waffle.

[Batya33]

Cherlyn same for me with the exercise and how I feel after. Also non negotiable and I’ve been describing it that way to my spouse for years because he often had to accommodate me as far as child care. Rarely these days. And I make sure in various ways there will be no excuses - I’m pretty self motivated by now but have my “just in case I’m not” preventative measures. Seraphim - if you aren’t doing this find something simple like power walking (my drug of choice ) - no gym necessary - just comfortable clothing and decent sneakers. And a water bottle even if it’s cold out. Good luck !

[Cherylyn]

Batya33, I agree. When my sons were little, I awoke at 4AM to exercise and worked out on my own time instead of my family's time. I'm a better lady, wife, mother, daughter and friend whenever I exercise and diet diligently. I have a positive outlook on life and attitude for those around me. Exercise and diet are just like brushing my teeth. It gets done, no questions asked. I get the exercise over and done with and relax later.

[Batya33]

Batya33, I agree. When my sons were little, I awoke at 4AM to exercise and worked out on my own time instead of my family's time. I'm a better lady, wife, mother, daughter and friend whenever I exercise and diet diligently. I have a positive outlook on life and attitude for those around me. Exercise and diet are just like brushing my teeth. It gets done, no questions asked. I get the exercise over and done with and relax later.

 

Yes, I would have done it that way if it was possible - that would have still been on my husband's time unfortunately back then. I have gotten up at 4am a couple of times when we were about to travel etc so that I could get it out of the way and not delay anyone getting ready to go. Seraphim - it really does make me so much more in tune with my body and to a slightly lesser extent my mind -but I mean I know my body and so when I feel less energy or something weird hurts while working out I know sooner rather than later what is going on. It's how I knew recently that my tooth issue likely was more of an emergency than I thought - and had oral surgery 7 hours later instead of delaying and being in a true emergency. What you're describing sounds like life gets a bit overwhelming. Something as simple as exercise (and yes, diet too) where you make a true commitment to yourself reminds you every day (or every other day if that suits you) that you really matter down to your toenails.

[Cherylyn]

I agree, Batya33. You squeeze in exercise whenever you can. I had to get up at 4AM and exercise before reporting to work everyday. If I wait until later, the day jams up and there goes my lost opportunity to workout.

 

Hope you're much better post-oral surgery.

 

~Seraphim~ Try making exercise a regular part of your daily routine because it helps relieve stress, gives you endorphins and seratonins (nature's feel good hormones), you'll feel more energetic, gives you the power of positive thinking and you can cope with life's challenges better.

 

Watch what you eat and clean up your diet, too because certain types of food will make you feel extra down, fatigued and depressed. Whenever my diet is sloppy or if I fall off the wagon, I pay dearly for several days. It's not worth the aftereffects.

[IAmFCA]

One day at a time

 

 

Lately, I have been trying to envision my goals. Like you, my job as a parent is morphing - though I am not yet an empty nester. My goals of raising my kids andhow-- those goals are being realized. So now I need a new goal and I haven't quite got that vision. But its coming, and it helps drive my day.

[Seraphim]

My arthritis only allows for some walking. My knee keeps me up at night from the pain. And after 12 hours running after little kids all day and cleaning and cooking and prepping for the kids leaves me totally wiped out and ready for bed at 8 PM. I am wiped at the end of a day.

 

But maybe a small walk at the end of the day.

 

I do like crochet.

 

We try to make Saturday just for us.

[Batya33]

My arthritis only allows for some walking. My knee keeps me up at night from the pain. And after 12 hours running after little kids all day and cleaning and cooking and prepping for the kids leaves me totally wiped out and ready for bed at 8 PM. I am wiped at the end of a day.

 

But maybe a small walk at the end of the day.

 

I do like crochet.

 

We try to make Saturday just for us.

 

Yes, I get it so I'd look into what you can do for yourself that moves your body other than the physical activity that is work related. It's wonderful that your job keeps you that active -that is so much better than a sedentary job for your health. And a short walk to start just for you sounds head clearing and great.

[maew]

This is a well known phenomenon of the "sandwich" generation... those of us that are old enough to still have kids at home while also needing to care for aging parents. It's a really tough place to be, as we want to try and be there for those we love, and of course it's so stressful watching our loved ones fail slowly over time... I agree with others that this may be an opportunity to look at everything on your plate and see what you can say "no" to. Get it down to the absolute essentials that you "need" to do for yourself and your family, including your day to day work, and start filling any gaps you find with things that make you feel good... even if it's just here and there, those feel good moments are everything and we need them to look forward to in times like these.

[ThatwasThen]

Vic, we have great resources here regarding looking after the elderly. Have you contacted anyone to find out what, if anything, your family would be entitled to receiving? There are even tax breaks for those that are responsible for the care of an elderly parent. Perhaps if your SIL looked into those benefits as well she wouldn't be harassing your hubby about it so often.

[Seraphim]

She has been doing that , it is just that my in-laws are so ass bat stubborn to the point of actual stupidity nothing got done. And they figured why they had kids was to have ready made caretakers when they got old. They didn’t want their kids to marry or even leave home . My husband left and moved in with me when he was 23 but my SIL was at home until 36 years old for FREE with her mom cooking all her meals and washing all her clothes and driving her to work etc etc and now they expect pay back for that. Well, she had a financially free ride for 36 years and my husband escaped the cultish behaviour at 23 and never got any kind of support even emotional support ever again.

 

I think now my MIL is interested in services . My FIL was a social very maladapted control freak who hasn’t had anyone in his house but family for 40 years.

Vic, we have great resources here regarding looking after the elderly. Have you contacted anyone to find out what, if anything, your family would be entitled to receiving? There are even tax breaks for those that are responsible for the care of an elderly parent. Perhaps if your SIL looked into those benefits as well she wouldn't be harassing your hubby about it so often.

[Cherylyn]

My arthritis only allows for some walking. My knee keeps me up at night from the pain. And after 12 hours running after little kids all day and cleaning and cooking and prepping for the kids leaves me totally wiped out and ready for bed at 8 PM. I am wiped at the end of a day.

 

But maybe a small walk at the end of the day.

 

I do like crochet.

 

We try to make Saturday just for us.

 

~Seraphim~ I'm sorry about your arthritis. As you say, perhaps a small, very brief walk at the end of the day. I've found after dinner walks to be particularly refreshing. Or, I get up at 4AM or 5AM and exercise then to save time.

 

I have arthritic knees. I've since had 2 ACL Reconstructions (1st ACL Recon was botched, 2nd ACL Recon was revision + 3 partial menisectomies ~ meniscus cartilage surgeries) and what helps keep the pain at bay is a lot of stretching for the entire body. You might want to try that so you won't feel so stiff and help minimize pain.

 

Crocheting is fun. I bring my crocheting projects to work on during my lunch hour, coffee breaks at work and work on them in public such as if I'm waiting at the doctor's office waiting room or in the car if I have to pick someone up, etc. I crocheted an afghan for my mother and brother and I miss the days when I crocheted baby sweaters for my infant sons.

 

It's a happy thought that you reserve Saturday just for you and your husband / family time. You do what you have to do and make the best of situations. I wish you well, lady.

[catfeeder]

...People complain you aren’t doing enough...

 

I'd kindly tell whoever demonstrates themselves to be equipped enough to make such a side chair observation that they must certainly be equipped to do for themselves exactly whatever they believe that I'm incapable of doing--AND they are hereby authorized to do it better than me.

 

I'd pronounce that anyone who's willing to try one day in my shoes gets full rights to critique me should they pull it off, but otherwise, whoever sits in the peanut gallery gets to master perfect self sufficiency before raising a single complaint about my inefficiency--so help me God.

 

A sense of humor to challenge those who take you for granted buys more mileage than catering to complaints. I'd offer 10 demerits to any complainer and ask them to name what they've done for ME lately.

 

Head high, and allow others to struggle half as much as you're struggling before you're willing to hear any insults.

[Seraphim]

I'd kindly tell whoever demonstrates themselves to be equipped enough to make such a side chair observation that they must certainly be equipped to do for themselves exactly whatever they believe that I'm incapable of doing--AND they are hereby authorized to do it better than me.

 

I'd pronounce that anyone who's willing to try one day in my shoes gets full rights to critique me should they pull it off, but otherwise, whoever sits in the peanut gallery gets to master perfect self sufficiency before raising a single complaint about my inefficiency--so help me God.

 

A sense of humor to challenge those who take you for granted buys more mileage than catering to complaints. I'd offer 10 demerits to any complainer and ask them to name what they've done for ME lately.

 

Head high, and allow others to struggle half as much as you're struggling before you're willing to hear any insults.

Well, I can tell you exactly the last time my SIL did ANYTHING for us was 4 years ago. She took our son to Disney for a week. She is our biggest critic . She hasn’t seen our day to day like ever . She’s a teacher so she thinks she is the epitome of an overworked soul . I agree teachers work hard . But we are barely keeping our head above water here . We are so busy our last 10 years before retirement it is insane. We are working towards a specific dream.

 

But really in the past 10 years she has only ever done 3 things for us. And two of them specifically benefitted her . Twice she took our son to Disney but it’s because she wanted to go and had nobody to go with . Only time she specifically did any thing for us was she babysat our cats for two weeks when we went as a family on a holiday . And that was in 2012 . Believe me my husband has repaid her in spades.

[Seraphim]

~Seraphim~ I'm sorry about your arthritis. As you say, perhaps a small, very brief walk at the end of the day. I've found after dinner walks to be particularly refreshing. Or, I get up at 4AM or 5AM and exercise then to save time.

 

I have arthritic knees. I've since had 2 ACL Reconstructions (1st ACL Recon was botched, 2nd ACL Recon was revision + 3 partial menisectomies ~ meniscus cartilage surgeries) and what helps keep the pain at bay is a lot of stretching for the entire body. You might want to try that so you won't feel so stiff and help minimize pain.

 

Crocheting is fun. I bring my crocheting projects to work on during my lunch hour, coffee breaks at work and work on them in public such as if I'm waiting at the doctor's office waiting room or in the car if I have to pick someone up, etc. I crocheted an afghan for my mother and brother and I miss the days when I crocheted baby sweaters for my infant sons.

 

It's a happy thought that you reserve Saturday just for you and your husband / family time. You do what you have to do and make the best of situations. I wish you well, lady.

 

Thank you. It is a struggle with my knee. I am self employed so it is a bit harder because not just me but my employee. I can’t take the time for surgery. I retire in 7 years hopefully then I can repair the damage.

[catfeeder]

Well, I can tell you exactly the last time my SIL did ANYTHING for us was 4 years ago. She took our son to Disney for a week. She is our biggest critic . She hasn’t seen our day to day like ever . She’s a teacher so she thinks she is the epitome of an overworked soul . I agree teachers work hard . But we are barely keeping our head above water here . We are so busy our last 10 years before retirement it is insane. We are working towards a specific dream.

 

But really in the past 10 years she has only ever done 3 things for us. And two of them specifically benefitted her . Twice she took our son to Disney but it’s because she wanted to go and had nobody to go with . Only time she specifically did any thing for us was she babysat our cats for two weeks when we went as a family on a holiday . And that was in 2012 . Believe me my husband has repaid her in spades.

 

Don't miss the point. It's not about keeping score and dragging yourself down with complaints of your own, but rather, it's about handling your own response to any complaints.

 

Next criticism, you can cheerfully tell the criticizer, "Since you have complaints about the way I'm handling things, you are welcome to step up and show me how well you can do it better. Until you demonstrate that, my complaint department is closed."

 

Boom. Done.

 

Quit the misery-go-round, and move your own focus beyond it.

[Seraphim]

Don't miss the point. It's not about keeping score and dragging yourself down with complaints of your own, but rather, it's about handling your own response to any complaints.

 

Next criticism, you can cheerfully tell the criticizer, "Since you have complaints about the way I'm handling things, you are welcome to step up and show me how well you can do it better. Until you demonstrate that, my complaint department is closed."

 

Boom. Done.

 

Quit the misery-go-round, and move your own focus beyond it.

True. I don’t speak to her though. My husband does and he won’t tell her diddly .

[browneyedgirl36]

What do you do when life starts taking more than it gives? You have more years behind you than ahead of you. Family members start dropping like flies your parents are old and frail and need nursing homes. You still work 12 to 16 hours a day for another 10 years . You still have kids at home . You are torn in every direction and everyone needs a piece of your time and attention. People complain you aren’t doing enough but you literally have no time to do another thing it’s just not even humanly possible .

 

How do you keep body and soul together without going over the deep end ?

 

I really wish I had a good answer for you. I feel all of this -- everything you've described here. I'll be 49 in a couple of months. My parents are in their mid-late 70's, and while my dad is still in good health, mentally and physically (at this point), my mom's health suddenly took a turn in recent months, and that has been really hard on everyone. Add to that the fact that my parents were living in a near-hoarding situation (I say "near" only because they still had access to most of their house, could still sleep in their bed, and their house wasn't filled with actual garbage, but it was pretty dang bad, and it brought me to tears a few times) and my sister and I have had to step up and basically gut their whole house in the past few months so that, when (if?) my mom finally gets out of the rehab place she's in, she'll be able to safely come home. (It's a long story, but my parents refused to let us come to their house for a number of years, simply because it had gotten so out of control.) Add to this the fact that I have my own health issues, some of which remain un-diagnosed (though a number of things have been ruled out already), that leave me exhausted a lot of the time, I have at least 10 years until I can retire (and my job takes a ton of energy and time) and at least one of my stepchildren will probably be living with us forever, or at least well into adulthood, because she has a lot of issues that make it difficult for her to be independent (she, like your son, is on the Autism spectrum -- ASD 1). Some days, it's especially hard, because I spent SO many years hoping to find someone to spend my life with, and I finally did, at the age of 44; there was this brief period where everything seemed to be going SO well -- my parents were healthy, finances were good, I was doing healthy, and most of the people in my life were as well, and then...in the last two years, everything has just gotten exponentially more difficult, and it feels like every time I think I can rest -- physically AND mentally -- for just a second, something goes wrong, someone needs me, something happens to keep me from doing that. For the past year, my life has been extremely stressful -- mom hospitalized for the first time, selling a house, getting married, buying another house, medical issues, mom hospitalized again -- and there are days when I feel very "old" -- very much NOT the person I was even two years ago.

 

My only solution is to find little pockets of joy and peace where I can -- doing things to improve my house and yard, exercise (as much as I'm able), spending quality time with my family, reading, playing with my cats and enjoying their company, listening to favorite music and podcasts, etc., finding things to look forward to (an upcoming trip, my first wedding anniversary, holidays, etc.) It's rough sometimes -- I feel like my emotions are all over the place at times (and they probably are due to hormones -- LOL!) I also have to remind myself, every day, to be grateful, even if it's just for the flowers growing in the yard, or the fact that it's not going to be 106 degrees Fahrenheit all week. Sometimes, it comes down to stuff that small, and that's the stuff I hang onto. Oh, and I take a LOT of deep breaths. I often joke (but I'm not really joking!) that I take at least 100 deep breaths before leaving the house every morning -- never mind the hundreds I have to take during the day! I sleep as much as I can, too, but I admit sometimes I don't listen to my body, particularly when it comes to aches and pains -- I tend to push too hard to make myself do a lot. I need to be mindful of that and slow down.

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate -- more than your share -- and your feelings are totally understandable. Looking for a little joy, peace, and quiet wherever possible -- even sitting in the car at the supermarket listening to a favorite song on the radio for a few minutes or taking a ten-minute walk around the block and getting fresh air -- these things are essential at this stage of our lives.

 

Hang in there...I know it's extremely difficult. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that some days will be much harder than others, but you will get through them.

[Batya33]

"Looking for a little joy, peace, and quiet wherever possible -- even sitting in the car at the supermarket listening to a favorite song on the radio for a few minutes or taking a ten-minute walk around the block and getting fresh air -- these things are essential at this stage of our lives."

 

Yes, this. I have a friend in her 40s who because of the types of situations Browneyedgirl described above, started a daily Facebook thread where she writes the "one good thing" that happened that day -typically very very small stuff - and invites others to share the same - in the same vein as grabbing that little bit of joy and peace whenever you can (and she acknowledges on certain days -for example that horrible, tragic day recently with the two shootings - that it's hard and even feels awkward to talk about "one good thing" but as BEG expressed above we need those little pockets wherever we can find them.

 

Thank you.