Is it bad that my Girlfriend doesn't have any friends!?

[MissCanuck]

In a way I am, I enjoy spending time with her but it would be nice for her to say im busy this Saturday ect we can meet Sunday if your free. But generally she's always free.

 

Reading between the lines - do you feel obligated to spend time with her if she is free?

 

I am sensing you would like more "me"-time, but you have some difficulty voicing this to her because she will doubt you love her if you want a day to yourself, for example.

[JohnSimons1901]

Yes I have spent alot, and I mean alot of time alone. Time will tell in the next month or two.

[JohnSimons1901]

I don't feel obliged to, but if she had friends we would definitely spend less time together as she would be seeing her own friends from time to time or have other plans generally, or even invite me out with her friends to some thing maybe different.

[JohnSimons1901]

I don't mean some thing better as in im actively looking but like wise, if the person your with finds a better connection what can you do about it.

 

It happens everyday.

[bluecastle]

Buddy, take a moment to imagine how you would feel if any girlfriend of yours was thinking about you and talking about you in the way you're thinking about and talking about her right now. Man, wouldn't that be a bummer?

 

You're confused, I get it. But you're also doing something really unfortunate, which is using the language of compassion and insight to cover up what is pretty obvious: you ain't happy and you are totally down to leap into something new, with someone else, should that someone cross your path. Until then? You're semi-down to stay in this placeholder relationship.

 

Yeah, you can get mock-philosophical about the randomness of life, connection, and so on, but what you're saying beneath all that is simple and not too kind to either of you.

[poorlittlefish]

Has she never had friends or is it that over the years friends have moved away, turned out not to be friends or are so wrapped up in their relationships/work etc that they just drift away? If your girlfriend is happy with her own company that doesn't make her weird. I only have a couple of friends and I only see them every few months, which suits me fine because I study and have hobbies to fill my time.

[Hollyj]

I don't mean some thing better as in im actively looking but like wise, if the person your with finds a better connection what can you do about it.

 

It happens everyday.

 

C'mon, just break up with her. It is not cool to keep her around until something better comes along. That is really bad. Be better than that.

[loyal]

Yes, I think it is a red flag that she has no friends. People need to have lives outside of their relationships. It is healthy!

[abitbroken]

Yes, I think it is a red flag that she has no friends. People need to have lives outside of their relationships. It is healthy!

 

I have one super close friend who lives out of state but we talk several times a week. I am also friends with two of my cousins and see them sporadically. So in other words, I would not qualify for a relationship? I am happily introverted. Does that make me not fit for a relationship? The problem is NOT having friends or not. There are different problems and he is just searching to use this one as a reason for us to tell him to break it off.

 

If you are in a relationship for that many years, she probably had MANY friends but lost them in the breakup.

When i divorced, i lost all of my friends - the couple that "sided" with me stayed in touch for awhile, but then lost touch/drifted away. So i really was friendless and making friends when you are not college age and you are a homebody doesn't happen overnight.

[loyal]

I have one super close friend who lives out of state but we talk several times a week. I am also friends with two of my cousins and see them sporadically. So in other words, I would not qualify for a relationship? I am happily introverted. Does that make me not fit for a relationship? The problem is NOT having friends or not. There are different problems and he is just searching to use this one as a reason for us to tell him to break it off.

 

If you are in a relationship for that many years, she probably had MANY friends but lost them in the breakup.

When i divorced, i lost all of my friends - the couple that "sided" with me stayed in touch for awhile, but then lost touch/drifted away. So i really was friendless and making friends when you are not college age and you are a homebody doesn't happen overnight.

 

But you do have friends...you just listed them. It really doesn't have a lot to do with extroversion or introversion; it's more about your interactions with other people. If a person's romantic partner is the only person that they interact with on a social level, I don't find that particularly healthy. But to each their own!

[limichelle]

I’m a loner I used to have quite a few friends but as we got older we drifted apart. It happens, it’s life! Maybe she’s okay with just not having as much of an active social life as you do. It seems that this is a deal breaker for you. Why lead her on longer then necessary. If you don’t like it and can’t accept it move on.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you think she's boring, dull, "not fun" but string her along for the good sex: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560804&p=7146545&viewfull=1#post7146545

I have had past relationships and I haven't generally got along with some one this much or done as many things as we have done. So my question is - is there some thing better ?

[limichelle]

OP

 

If you think there’s something better then that tells me you’re settling. It’s not fair to her. You need to let her find someone who appreciates her.

[Cherylyn]

It's really hard to say because I've known extroverts or people in my sphere who have a lot of friends and some of these popular types are extremely narcissistic, the life of the party, don their best social face, blast every minutiae on social media and when you get to know them well 1:1, they lack empathy, penny pinching tightwads, cheap, cruel when their claws come out, experts at gaslighting and mentally ill for which there is no cure.

 

I've know introverts who prefer to keep to themselves, savor their immediate family only, take good care of their family and themselves. These loner types are high quality people who prefer perhaps one or two close friends and no more than that. Or, they don't have friends yet they're extremely generous with their wallet when they entertain you or give you anything.

 

I don't think it's bad not to have friends as long as the loner is a good person. As long as the loner treats others with utmost empathy, consistent respect, dignity and honor, it's a free country and a loner can do as he or she pleases.

 

Having said that, if the loner is like Velcro, clings to you and displays a very needy, insecure disposition, then this is problematic. No one wants a leech.

 

It's mentally healthier to have friends. It's a known fact that isolation causes a shorter, unhappier life. Even though I love my immediate family of husband and sons, I need my friends and they need me. We offer each other moral support and they provide a wonderful break from the mundane. We enjoy each others company, shop, take walks, dine out, appreciate different perspectives and various opinions. We lend an ear, receive advice, grow more sophisticated and secure. Having friends greatly improves mental and physical health. Great friends and peers are positive influences ~ if you choose right friends.

 

Enduring friendships teach a person to practice interpersonal skills, tact, poise, grace, discretion and social dynamics. I've noticed some of my loner relatives lack appropriate social interaction manners which is quite disturbing. A loner can act spoiled if they are able to get away with mealy mouth behavior and without harsh consequences. They are harder to get along with. I'm walking on eggshells in order to be compatible whereas my best friend who has high quality friends is so easy to be with because she honed her social grace skills quite well.

 

My advice would be to introduce your girlfriend to your good friends. Do your friends have girlfriends who can be your girlfriend's friends? Show her a good time.

 

Both of you should join groups such as meetups, exercise groups, perhaps a book club if you like to read, cooking - potluck club, if you're religious, a church / Bible study groups, volunteer in the community, feed the homeless or work in a soup kitchen together. Options are limitless. Get out there and meet new people. You have to start somewhere. They won't come to you. You have to go out there in society and find where all the empathetic people are. Expand your mind and broaden your horizons.

 

Share good times with others and open up a whole, new different world for your girlfriend.

 

My husband did this for me long ago. When I met him, I worked 40 hours per week night shift, enrolled in college by day, financially supported my younger siblings and widowed mother. I didn't have time for friends! Once I finally switched to my day shift full time job, my husband introduced me to his friends, their girlfriends, I rekindled my friendship with a childhood friend and the rest is history. I had the time of my life and my Cinderella story became a happily ever after. Make a difference for your girlfriend as my husband did for me. That's love.

[rchubn]

I think it would be bad if she had a boyfriend who shamed her for having no friends.

 

As a woman whose lived life having zero friends in the city I live in, its really tough and I was well aware of the fact that it looked weird and I was lonely for girl pals to call up and have wine with. That being said, I think she knows.

 

She can always make friends when she feels like she's in the point of her life where she has time to maintain friendships.

 

If she's not clingy or annoying towards you, I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

 

Bottom line: we all have different needs in life. Some people NEED friends and a significant other and some people don't need friends and they're happy doing things alone.

 

I don't think you should point this out to her or make her feel bad about not having friends. Adulthood is hard. Most people have issues keepin food on the table, like trying to survive and meet their basic needs friends can be completely out of her mind right now

[rchubn]

I don't think you have good intentions based on this post.

 

It feels like you think the reason she doesn't have friends has something to do with her personally and you even went as far to say that she has trouble in social situations and how she comes off to other people. That sounds like you're placing the blame on her as in people not liking her.

 

If you base your feelings about her based on how many friends she has, I don't think you have good intentions with that.

 

If your girlfriend is struggling socially help her instead of pointing it out. Pointing it out might hurt her feelings... this could be an internal struggle for her and you need to help her, invite her into your friend group, introduce her to your friends girlfriends and help the world see that shes a great girl.

[Honeycomb8]

Everyone needs a social life and I wouldn't date someone if they lacked in that aspect. :S

 

Not having friends is unusual and there must be a reason. If she's jealous and insecure, i dunno why you're with her.

[Honeycomb8]

Also, it's healthy to have your own friends, not connected to your s/o.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that she is more mature than you are relationship-wise? Instead of college/high school buddies being number one in someone's life and gfs/bfs in a periphery, perhaps she views the closest relationship as the partner and friends/acquaintances at the periphery?

 

For example you keep wishing she were busy going out with her friends on weekends. You don't really like/respect her and just keep her around because "the sex is good", this is another high school/college boy way of thinking.

 

Many people in their late 20s, early 30s, start settling down and start thinking of commitments, living together, family, marriage etc rather than how many friends they have to party with on weekends. Overall you're very incompatible. Consider that perhaps you're behind the curve for your age.

she's now 30 and im now 29.

[JohnSimons1901]

Your post sums up exactly what I mean in terms of having friendships, you learn how to interact with others and bottom line you become a person who is just plain and simple a joy to be around in any situation, I think she lacks certain positives of having friends and learning the basic interaction levels of normal friendships.

 

Saying this, I am some one who has a small friend ship group but we are close friends knowing each other 15 years plus, these are the people that I feel most comfortable with, I love music and events and going out, but I don't like hanging around with 'fake' people that boast on social media and live off of posing. I know a lot of people generally but my close friends are the ones I converse with daily and go out with.

 

My friends girlfriend's are some what hard to get along with and them selves have had arguments when we've been on a night out and my friends gf in a few situation have actually walked off (nothing to do with me and my gf)

 

Too sum up relationships aren't easy and I know a lot of people in relationships that aren't any where near as happy as I am in mine, I have doubts like any one would as my life experiences haven't always been easy.

 

I am not looking for people to tell me what do to but advice and to share their experience.

[Honeycomb8]

Have you considered that she is more mature than you are relationship-wise? Instead of college/high school buddies being number one in someone's life and gfs/bfs in a periphery, perhaps she views the closest relationship as the partner and friends/acquaintances at the periphery?

 

For example you keep wishing she were busy going out with her friends on weekends. You don't really like/respect her and just keep her around because "the sex is good", this is another high school/college boy way of thinking.

 

Many people in their late 20s, early 30s, start settling down and start thinking of commitments, living together, family, marriage etc rather than how many friends they have to party with on weekends. Overall you're very incompatible. Consider that perhaps you're behind the curve for your age.

 

You can be in a relationship and hang with friends, it's normal and healthy. O_o...You don't need to party, but going out for brunch, dinners, having BBQs, dinner parties and movie nights etc every weekend is normal. Just hanging out with each other and not having much social interaction is not a good thing. Dunno how this has anything to do with maturity or age. Life is much more colourful when you have ppl to spend it with-making your boyfriend your world is putting too much pressure on them.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered that she is more mature than you are relationship-wise? Instead of college/high school buddies being number one in someone's life and gfs/bfs in a periphery, perhaps she views the closest relationship as the partner and friends/acquaintances at the periphery?

 

For example you keep wishing she were busy going out with her friends on weekends. You don't really like/respect her and just keep her around because "the sex is good", this is another high school/college boy way of thinking.

 

Many people in their late 20s, early 30s, start settling down and start thinking of commitments, living together, family, marriage etc rather than how many friends they have to party with on weekends. Overall you're very incompatible. Consider that perhaps you're behind the curve for your age.

 

He is saying that she has no friends and never has. This has nothing to do with maturity.

 

I am over 50, have a good-sized friend group and am quite social- not hanging at bars, and some friends go back 20+ years. I don't think that this makes me immature, just social. I don't think we are expected to stay home, once we hit 30. My friends range from early 30's to the mid 70's. They all get out with friends individually, and with their partners, they are not staying home. They share interests and have their own. It works.