Dating for 1 year - Boyfriend is unsure about me/marriage/future

[Batya33]

They don't need to say it with certain terms but he's unsure in general. He's 32, acting like a 20 year old.

 

"He couldn't believe she took what they talked about as real"

 

That level of shock after a year is abit over the top. Clearly marriage or anything serious isn't anywhere in his mind right now. The longest relationship he had was less than a year? It def shows.

 

You know I changed my mind -I agree with you Honeycomb and you Cherylyn that his approach seems immature. But I'm glad he's being honest with her.

[katrina1980]

His intentions with you are insincere. He's stringing you along.

 

I've heard so many stories of women older than you who finally realized that they were with a man who didn't have honorable intentions whatsoever.

 

 

And I've heard just as many stories of women who ended up marrying men who did have honorable intentions, despite not knowing after only one year if they wanted to marry her.

 

Or five years, as in the case of my friend and her now-husband, who are very happily married and buying a home.

 

Cherylyn, I normally love your posts and find them quite insightful but I have to wonder how you can be so certain of this man's intentions without knowing anything about him, or anything about his and OP's relationship or dynamic.

 

I mean you are entitled to your opinion of course, but to be so steadfast in essentially saying her boyfriend is a lying POS, using her for kicks and giggles, stringing her along, whose mindset is "why buy the cow..." and using her, is really harsh.

 

This man could turn out to be the love of the OP's life for goodness sakes.

 

Again it's only been a year and as I said I know many couples who waited 4-5 years, one of my brothers waited ten years to marry his girlfriend and they are super happily married today.

 

To paint things like this, especially when it comes to giving advice which could literally change someone's life, with such a broad brush is really irresponsible imo, I'm sorry to say that.

[bluecastle]

Interesting thread, this one. I kind of see all sides.

 

Like, I agree with everything K is saying—but more in theory than how it applies to this scenario. What do I mean? I guess it's a parallel universe where the topic of marriage came up the other night, between OP and her boyfriend, and when he said what he said about saying to his co-workers that it was a big commitment, etc. her response was, more or less, "Totally! God, I love you and how you are!" Instead of disconnect and this thread, they cooked dinner, cuddled up, got frisky. Six months later—or six years, or whenever worked for them—they're engaged.

 

"We were just kind of on the same page about everything," they tell their friends.

 

And maybe that's a story that makes sense to some posters here, like K. But this isn't that story. There was a scratch in the record—a scratch that's deepening. We can sit in one section of bleachers and say that scratch is because a year is a blink, enjoy the love, the cohabitation, respect the nuances of individuals, 24 is so very young—kumbaya. And we can sit in another section of the bleachers and say that dude is a boy in man's body, coasting along with fuzzy intentions, taking advantage of OP's youth—that a real man would have responded differently or, heck, already dropped to a knee.

 

Both are sound arguments, in vacuums.

 

Given this thread—and the scratch that triggered it—I'm more inclined to lean toward those cautioning OP about this guy than saying to chill out. She needs...something...more than what she got to chill out, and I can't say I blame her. She's sitting there, a year in, starting to think of partnership, the future. He's saying he has no idea what the future holds, that those talks about marriage and kids were, you know, just things being said. Like saying it would be cool to live in Asia one day, or learn to kite surf.

 

Not totally sure, honestly, how either of them find authentic comfort in that clash. They're on different pages.

 

I particularly like Batya's take of accepting what he said as fact—certainty—and seeing how long she can sit, authentically, inside that place. Maybe it's another day, maybe another year. Maybe it ends with marriage, maybe not. As long as she sits in that place she has to be cool with that, genuinely, because anything else is fantasy, storytelling, and recipe for a lot of resentment about time being wasted.

 

I'm a lot older than OP, so of course that informs my personal take. I have plenty of friends who, at 24, were in OP's shoes and ended those relationships. Within three years they were laughing at themselves about how eager they were, how they were thinking about it all wrong, and they ended up getting married at 33 or whatever. Then again—negating my earlier generalization—I have a friend who was very marriage minded at 22 and fell in love with a 40something "bachelor of life." They were married in about two years, now have two kids. But he required zero patience. It just...happened. Same page.

 

The relationships I see that work—rather than the relationships that are all work, or mostly work, or a heroic amount of storytelling to fill in the gaps of where reality is falling short—are those when two people are more or less on the same page. About big stuff, about small stuff. That way it's not big and small, but just stuff. Can OP and her boyfriend find a way to get on the same page after this? Well, that's the question for the moment, far more than the question of marriage, since that's been answered.

[Cherylyn]

And I've heard just as many stories of women who ended up marrying men who did have honorable intentions, despite not knowing after only one year if they wanted to marry her.

 

Or five years, as in the case of my friend and her now-husband, who are very happily married and buying a home.

 

Cherylyn, I normally love your posts and find them quite insightful but I have to wonder how you can be so certain of this man's intentions without knowing anything about him, or anything about his and OP's relationship or dynamic.

 

I mean you are entitled to your opinion of course, but to be so steadfast in essentially saying her boyfriend is a lying POS, using her for kicks and giggles, stringing her along, whose mindset is "why buy the cow..." and using her, is really harsh.

 

This man could turn out to be the love of the OP's life for goodness sakes.

 

Again it's only been a year and as I said I know many couples who waited 4-5 years, one of my brothers waited ten years to marry his girlfriend and they are super happily married today.

 

To paint things like this, especially when it comes to giving advice which could literally change someone's life, with such a broad brush is really irresponsible imo, I'm sorry to say that.

 

I respect your opinions, too, Katrina1980. The OP will not necessarily follow anyone's advice here on this public forum. There are so many opinions and we do not live her life. We're not in it everyday. She will be the one to ultimately determine which way she wants to go. I was merely giving her my take based upon so many countless stories I've heard where women have such high hopes wishing her boyfriend will someday change his mind, stick with his original statements in the past only to deny it later and she'll become sorely disappointed in the end. Yes, I'm sure there are happy stories out there but the guy not wanting to marry because he's not willing to legally commit to that extent happens the world over. Then there are mixed messages, unclear messages, evasive conversations, endless arguments, fighting and gaslighting. At the end of the day, it's very clear that the answer from the guy is an adamant "A NO GO." Then the poor woman sheds tears because her vision, their previous discussion and latter "new correction" wasn't what she thought the future would hold for both of them. Then comes moving day when it's splitsville. After all that, there was wasted youth on the woman's part, wasted time, resources and energy all for what? I guess the only consolation and key takeaway here would be wisdom gained and never to make the same mistake twice when it comes to next time, choosing the right guy with the right sincere intentions for real. Learning the hard way is tough.

 

I'm glad for your sake you have happy stories. It's just that the same old theme of the woman wanting marriage and the guy not wanting marriage yet there was a belief due to previous conversations of marriage, family and a house, suddenly went poof! And disappeared into smithereens is all too common, unfortunately. It's as old as time and nothing new. Same song different year, my friend.

 

Sounds like such a sweetheart, eh?

[Cherylyn]

And, I agree Batya33. At least he is honest with her despite his changed story on her and he re-stated his original statement.

 

The real question OP is this: How long are you willing to wait for marriage with this "sweetheart" or will your patience with him run out someday?

 

For your sake, I hope it works out for you and both of you can agree on something whichever way your future unfolds.

[katrina1980]

@bluecastle, great post and I very much understand what you're saying.

 

Upon reflection, I think the reasons for my opinion are because, had I been the one dating this guy, we would be on the same page. That doesn't mean I see him as a boy in man's body, just a guy who loves his girlfriend, thinks she's amazing, brags about her to his friends and co-workers, but is essentially taking it "one day at a time," and is more comfortable with that dynamic versus thinking long term into the future, when the future is often so ambiguous and uncertain anyway, imo. Generally speaking.

 

That's how I see it, truly.

 

Now you, and Bat and Cherylyn and others could be right -- it's quite possible he is intentionally stringing her along,.

 

But I think, and jmo of course, if that were his intention, he'd be more inclined to tell her what she needs to hear in order to keeping seeing her (for sex, fun, whatever) -- that being "Yes I love you and envision a future with you, marriage, kids, not at this very moment, but let's continue discussing, and revisit in another year or so."

 

Or something along those lines. In other words, stringing her along.

 

Versus what he did say which was "I don't know what the future holds, it's too soon to know" and risk losing her. Which, after only a year, is understandable at least to me.

 

Now that's a honest man, with a high level of integrity as far as I am concerned and certainly not reflective of an immature guy intentionally stringing her along for his own selfish purposes.

 

All that said, I agree with Batya too. The OP is just going to have to decide how long to sit with this "not knowing." Or her boyfriend not knowing.

 

My friend, the one I've been discussing here and in a previous thread, she was able to sit with the not knowing, quite comfortably and happily, which resulted in him becoming certain a year later, and their getting married.

 

Anyway, I've said my piece I suppose, good luck OP whatever you decide! xx

[abitbroken]

Telling someone that people are asking if you are marrying someone and then telling the person about it is a page out of my ex's book. he would use that one all the time to make sure that i knew he didn't want to marry me without saying it directly.

 

Look, you moved in together very quickly. there was no "decision" made by him about you at that point other than it was convenient for bills, dates and sex. He wasn't thinking this was precursor to a ring. So keep that in mind. He may decide you are the one he wants to marry at some point or he just doesn't have that on his radar - or its not you.

 

I watched a video years ago - where a woman was really to the point. "when a guy is ready to marry, he looks for a wife. He doesn't suddenly propose to the FWB or the girl he has played house with". I was around when my ex decided he didn't want to be alone (notice not when he decided he loved me, couldn't live without me and wanted to make me his wife) so we had a brief marriage. Don't just stick around to be the default.

 

I suggest that you drop the marriage thing for now - don't talk about it for a bit. Let it blow over - and in the meantime, make some decisions for yourself. Decide if this guy meets YOUR standards - how does he handle his money (is he a gambler? a saver?) does he really want kids someday - two of the biggest things people divorce over. Start spending more time with your family, and friends and acknowledge that living together does not mean he will marry you. Develop your interests. Maybe you will decide that you don't want to marry HIM, or want something different.

[Cherylyn]

His co-worker asked when he was getting married to you. He told them how big of a commitment marriage is. It sounds to me that marriage is scary for him and way too serious for him to go there.

 

He's gun shy about marriage whereas you'd marry him in a heartbeat. For now, you'll have to remain at his side as is because he refuses to budge regarding his "NO" stance to marriage.

 

Now you know. Both of you are not sure about each other until now. Only you are sure; he is not.

 

Both of you had your wires crossed. You THOUGHT feelings were mutual regarding having kids, buying a home, getting married, etc. He obviously THOUGHT differently!

 

Sounds like a big miscommunication problem when he told you he didn't believe that your future together, kids and a house was real after you expressed your confusion to him.

 

He said he doesn't know what the future holds. It sounds like he's telling you to take one day at a time. Question yourself regarding how long you're willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants in his future with you.

 

This is your first love and your first rodeo. You haven't been around the block yet and with all due respect, you haven't developed street smarts due to your youth, naivete and inexperience with life. Most men are smooth talkers and slick.

 

I'm sorry you cried.

 

He says he loves you. I'm glad he does. He's consoling you for now as long as you remain silent and don't complain. The minute you broach this marriage topic again, he will give you yet another wake up call until he silences you yet again. Same old cycle. Just be prepared because this topic in your mind will never go away. Naturally, you want to know where your relationship is headed and if he wants the same vision you want or not. Be clear regarding this subject, eventually.

 

He's 32 years already and you're only 24. He's been around, he is worldly already and thinks he can pacify you for now.

 

If you're willing to wait for him "TO KNOW," then wait however long you're willing to wait. If you don't get straight answers out of his mouth, then ask yourself how much longer are you willing to wait around for his straight answer.

 

I'm glad there are happy stories out there and I want a happy ending for you, somuchlove19. Just know at age 32, he's not ready to settle down yet, he wants more choices at this stage in his life and he's afraid of making promises he can't keep.

 

Either take a giant leap of faith and remain with him or leap out for real one day in your future. Your patience will dictate what you're willing to do and when.

[Npgirl09]

I’d say ask him in 6 months. If he responds with anger/annoyance/disbelief that you are bringing this up again, time to get out of there and never look back. That will make it crystal clear in my opinion.

[Gary Snyder]

Let me tell you about the birds and the bees. Generally, women are more interested in marriage, but men want things to stay the same. You know, in make-believe movies, it's usually the man who proposes out of the blue. But more often that not, in real life, the woman nags him to do it, lol. I'm just sayin' - reality is reality.

 

Keep in mind that you should take 19 - 24 months to get to know a person well before you get married. Proposals and engagement can happen quicker, they are not as permanent as marriage (lol)

 

By the way - even though I'm the typical man and don't really have a goal to get married, hearing my girlfriend wanting to marry me would be a very sweet thing for me to hear - and I could not say "no" if she proposed. It's an amazing thing to hear for a man, if you understand relationships - it means she loves the man deeply. And the more they love you, the better and more fun the ride is going to be.

 

Just because he does not seem to be as gung-ho about marriage does not mean he does not love you as much or more. He's just a man. He'll probably come along later.

 

Don't take his reaction so seriously. Give him another year to come around. If he still does not want to get married, withhold sex - I'm betting he'll change his mind real quick!

 

Guys, don't ever tell your young girlfriend who has never been married that you don't want to be married or not have a baby, if you want a good relationship with her. Men, if you want a relationship with a woman, you need to be open to marriage and kids - or you will make things considerably difficult on yourself.

[Honeycomb8]

Withhold sex? You must be kidding me.

 

 

Yes, cos manipulation tactics do wonders for a healthy relationship.

[boltnrun]

Withhold sex? You must be kidding me.

 

 

Yes, cos manipulation tactics do wonders for a healthy relationship.

 

He advises this all the time. Yet on another thread he says to give your partner sex anytime he wants it. Go figure.

 

I was the guy in this scenario except I was given an ultimatum. ..marry me or lose me (yes, my husband is a man and obviously he was the one pushing for marriage, not me, the woman). I did marry him under pressure from him and no, the marriage didn't last. I think it might have if he'd just given me a bit more time.

[somuchlove19]

Okay so first of all, thank you all for sharing your own personal stories and helping me to see every possible outcome of this scenario.

 

I worked all day yesterday so I didn't have a chance to reply to everyone, and when I got home my boyfriend and I chatted about the future some more.

He assured me that he never said he would never marry me, he just wants to make sure before he promises me anything, he said we're still learning how to co-inhabit together and that's a big reason he wants to wait (he's never lived with a partner before, whereas before him I was living with my ex for 3 years.)

 

He said that's he's definitely got a pretty good idea that it's me he wants to spend his life with, and that his plan is to include me in all his future goals, and discuss everything that comes up along the way.

 

We still have yet to decide on kids, and that's okay. We're both on the fence about it anyways.

 

So, I'm sorry to disappoint but that's it, we spoke, and he told me it's absolutely OK to be emotional sometimes, and to feel those feelings instead of hiding them,

but he was worried about how insecure I felt about the relationship. He told me I need to realize how lucky someone is to be in a relationship with me, and how lucky he feels, and to give myself more credit.

 

So again, thank you for all of your help. We are still together and stronger than ever. I love him so much.

 

Just wanted to give this update as a lot of people have seen this and commented their view, which I appreciate, so might as well get the end story out.

 

Thanks for reading guys, have a great summer !

[loyal]

Okay so first of all, thank you all for sharing your own personal stories and helping me to see every possible outcome of this scenario.

 

I worked all day yesterday so I didn't have a chance to reply to everyone, and when I got home my boyfriend and I chatted about the future some more.

He assured me that he never said he would never marry me, he just wants to make sure before he promises me anything, he said we're still learning how to co-inhabit together and that's a big reason he wants to wait (he's never lived with a partner before, whereas before him I was living with my ex for 3 years.)

 

He said that's he's definitely got a pretty good idea that it's me he wants to spend his life with, and that his plan is to include me in all his future goals, and discuss everything that comes up along the way.

 

We still have yet to decide on kids, and that's okay. We're both on the fence about it anyways.

 

So, I'm sorry to disappoint but that's it, we spoke, and he told me it's absolutely OK to be emotional sometimes, and to feel those feelings instead of hiding them,

but he was worried about how insecure I felt about the relationship. He told me I need to realize how lucky someone is to be in a relationship with me, and how lucky he feels, and to give myself more credit.

 

So again, thank you for all of your help. We are still together and stronger than ever. I love him so much.

 

Just wanted to give this update as a lot of people have seen this and commented their view, which I appreciate, so might as well get the end story out.

 

Thanks for reading guys, have a great summer !

 

I'm glad you got some clarity! And don't get in a rush--especially about having children--these things will come in due time. Enjoy the now!

[katrina1980]

 

Enjoy the now!

 

My sentiments exactly!!

 

It all sounds very positive, best of luck to you both!

[j.man]

I'm happily married. Never in my right mind would have hinted at even "envisioning" a marriage with her after a year. A commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone is more serious than giggling in bed over fantasies. More power to others though, I guess.

[Batya33]

Okay so first of all, thank you all for sharing your own personal stories and helping me to see every possible outcome of this scenario.

 

I worked all day yesterday so I didn't have a chance to reply to everyone, and when I got home my boyfriend and I chatted about the future some more.

He assured me that he never said he would never marry me, he just wants to make sure before he promises me anything, he said we're still learning how to co-inhabit together and that's a big reason he wants to wait (he's never lived with a partner before, whereas before him I was living with my ex for 3 years.)

 

He said that's he's definitely got a pretty good idea that it's me he wants to spend his life with, and that his plan is to include me in all his future goals, and discuss everything that comes up along the way.

 

We still have yet to decide on kids, and that's okay. We're both on the fence about it anyways.

 

So, I'm sorry to disappoint but that's it, we spoke, and he told me it's absolutely OK to be emotional sometimes, and to feel those feelings instead of hiding them,

but he was worried about how insecure I felt about the relationship. He told me I need to realize how lucky someone is to be in a relationship with me, and how lucky he feels, and to give myself more credit.

 

So again, thank you for all of your help. We are still together and stronger than ever. I love him so much.

 

Just wanted to give this update as a lot of people have seen this and commented their view, which I appreciate, so might as well get the end story out.

 

Thanks for reading guys, have a great summer !

 

Sounds good and just understand that he sees living together as a test of compatibility for marriage. You seem perfectly fine with his approach and that is all that matters. I'm glad he sees you in his future and that you are glad about how he expressed this! Enjoy!

[katrina1980]

I'm happily married. Never in my right mind would have hinted at even "envisioning" a marriage with her after a year. A commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone is more serious than giggling in bed over fantasies. More power to others though, I guess.

 

I am glad you chimed in j.man; I was actually thinking of you while posting and was tempted to say "j.man would NEVER even consider marrying someone he's dated for only one year"!

 

But yet, you ended up marrying her! After a few years.

 

Just goes to show ya......

[katrina1980]

Dating is a "test" of compatibility for marriage.

 

That's why we date and have relationships, to test our compatibility for marriage, assuming marriage is the goal.

 

I see absolutely nothing negative about this, and everything positive.

 

Guy is smart for wanting to wait a bit longer before he makes any promises for the future.

 

Reflects honesty and a high level of integrity imo.

[Sportster2005]

 

I guess I just keep thinking that maybe he's holding out to find someone better, which is ridiculous and it's my insecurity talking.

 

 

Sometimes the obvious explanation is the correct one.

 

No one knows for sure, but I was thinking this exact thing as I was reading. If you were what he wanted he wouldn't risk losing you. Or he might just be a person that will never feel comfortable making a lifetime commitment.

 

Regardless, you're in a dilemma. Leaving will hurt. Staying and not getting what you need from him will result in you/him leaving. That will hurt. You have to assess the odds of him wanting the same thing as you in the future. There is no way to know without it playing out.

 

What's done is done, the bell can't be unwrung. Let it go. Concentrate on what you need to do next. It's an important decision made worse by your emotional bias in it. If it doesn't work out, it will be O.K. You'll be fine. Don't believe the fallacy this is your one time shot at happiness. It's not.

[Batya33]

Sometimes the obvious explanation is the correct one.

 

No one knows for sure, but I was thinking this exact thing as I was reading. If you were what he wanted he wouldn't risk losing you. Or he might just be a person that will never feel comfortable making a lifetime commitment.

 

Regardless, you're in a dilemma. Leaving will hurt. Staying and not getting what you need from him will result in you/him leaving. That will hurt. You have to assess the odds of him wanting the same thing as you in the future. There is no way to know without it playing out.

 

What's done is done, the bell can't be unwrung. Let it go. Concentrate on what you need to do next. It's an important decision made worse by your emotional bias in it. If it doesn't work out, it will be O.K. You'll be fine. Don't believe the fallacy this is your one time shot at happiness. It's not.

 

I think her update resolved a lot. He explained that for him living together is important before marriage. That he does see marriage to her in the future. By contrast the way I read what she wrote, she already knows she wants to marry him, she doesn't need to see how it goes living together first. I think that's fine - and not a big deal at all - especially since he's given her really valuable information. And more importantly she is fine with his approach - also since they are already living together it's not like she has to make any big changes in order for them to be on exactly the same page. What I would caution her about is not feeling self conscious as in -not trying to be the perfect girlfriend and the perfect person to live with - that's not realistic either should they marry in the future. He thinks that living together will give him information about what it would like to be married. That's his entitlement. So she should just be herself, her genuine self, enjoy the journey, enjoy living with him and not try to be some model of what she thinks will motivate him to propose. If he wants to marry her he'll propose and he's less likely to propose if he sees her as trying to be the perfect girlfriend.