Boyfriends' past

[Rose Mosse]

Only Bluecastle acknowledged the poor behaviour and language of her boyfriend and mentioned some guilt issues regarding his past. I've cautioned her to use this as a learning experience for future partners and learn to recognize the signs when someone is insecure about their past or evasive about their history. Everyone else called her judgmental and controlling to some extent. This is a two way street and I think the majority of the posts are a bit too harsh themselves. Of course you are entitled to your opinion as well.

[katrina1980]

I don't disagree with his poor behaviour and told her if she didn't feel comfortable with his past, she was entitled to those feelings.

 

And when she or anyone feels that way about someone they're dating, to simply end it and find a better fit.

 

What I think is wrong is confronting, demanding, shaming. Causing unnecessary drama about it.

 

I don't agree with that, just end it.

 

Jmo, hope that clarifies.

[j.man]

I don't think you have trust issues. You just had an impression of your boyfriend because he was slow to share his past history with you. He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past.

This is utterly irresponsible advice.

 

Everyone is entitled to a history, and insofar as that history renders no tangible repercussion to the partner (this doesn't), everyone has every single right to employ as much privacy with regard to that past as they'd like. That he'd shared the woman was a previous sexual partner was enough-- I'd even argue excess. Demanding a logbook of sexual interactions is controlling behavior, toeing the line of emotional abuse when she's got that audacity to put him in a position to beg forgiveness for her actions. We'd be slamming any man in her shoes if he were accosting his girlfriend over such intimate and irrelevant details of their sexual or romantic history, only to take the opportunity to lord over her with said details. And we'd very rightfully be slamming him.

 

Also, nothing suggests he's "used" women for sex. Women aren't power tools. If they want to have sex, they can have sex. That's entirely consensual and we have no reason to assume there was anything other than a mutual benefit. It's an incredibly archaic and sex-negative stance to take based on nothing to support it.

 

I could hardly crucify the guy for employing a derogatory tone with regard to this previous woman in order very obviously to placate his incessantly insecure girlfriend who wasn't content with his previously casual and much more friendly references to her having been someone he simply had a sexual history with. Would I do it? No. I'd tell her it's none of her business and if she so insisted it was, she's free to kick rocks. But I have a feeling that would be its own excuse for some folks to villainize him.

 

OP is by probably the most objective standard possible acting incredibly insecure-- and that's just by her own account. Guy seems codependent and neutered, but I'd assume anything he could offer would only reinforce what should be a pretty clear summation.

[Rose Mosse]

This is utterly irresponsible advice.

 

Everyone is entitled to a history, and insofar as that history renders no tangible repercussion to the partner (this doesn't), everyone has every single right to employ as much privacy with regard to that past as they'd like. That he'd shared the woman was a previous sexual partner was enough-- I'd even argue excess. Demanding a logbook of sexual interactions is controlling behavior, toeing the line of emotional abuse when she's got that audacity to put him in a position to beg forgiveness for her actions. We'd be slamming any man in her shoes if he were accosting his girlfriend over such intimate and irrelevant details of their sexual or romantic history, only take the opportunity to lord over her with said details. And very rightfully so.

 

Also, nothing suggests he's "used" women for sex. Women aren't power tools. If they want to have sex, they can have sex. That's entirely consensual and we have no reason to assume there was anything other than a mutual benefit. It's an incredibly archaic and sex-negative stance to take based on nothing to support it.

 

I could hardly crucify the guy for employing a derogatory tone with regard to this previous woman in order very obviously to placate his incessantly insecure girlfriend who wasn't content with his previously casual and much more friendly references to her having been someone he simply had a sexual history with. Would I do it? No. I'd tell her it's none of her business and if she so insisted it was, she's free to kick rocks. But I have a feeling that would be its own excuse for some folks to villainize him.

 

OP is by probably the most objective standard possible acting incredibly insecure-- and that's just by her own account. Guy seems codependent and neutered, but I'd assume anything he could offer would only reinforce what should be a pretty clear summation.

 

This seems a little too one-sided for my liking and calling anyone's advice irresponsible just speaks of insecurity to me. I think there are valid points in your interpretation and I'm not here to pointedly put down your thoughts or opinions. We can simply disagree without the added dramatic effects.

 

There was simply no need to refer to women as slags or other derogatory terms. It also leaves room for a lot of guilt on his part which the OP's boyfriend should not have to feel. That guilt compounded caused him to shy away from open conversation from the get go. I think this is a red flag and it wouldn't be appropriate to ignore it from the start. I think the OP could have also insisted knowing about his past a bit more as well. She deserves to know.

 

There are issues there regarding sex in general which I'd encourage the both of them revisit as a couple. Shaming anyone is not acceptable but unfortunately it seems your language in your post is ironically doing just that. Why is it necessary to call her boyfriend 'neutered'? I simply see both of them as two individuals who can work out their communication issues by being more respectful and open about the way they approach their past, present and future.

[sensitivegirl0]

I think she is insecure and under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful right now but it's not correct to jump on an OP's mention of this and blow it up into something one-sided. Her boyfriend has contributed to the situation as well as I've written about in my previous post above.

 

 

"He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past."

 

 

Thank you Rose. I never shamed him regarding his previous sexual/romantic relationships. Whenever we spoke about these things, I just listened.

 

And the reason why I wanted to know about his sexual or romantic interactions with Hannah is because he was clearly withholding information and lying which made feel insecure.

 

"Why is he doing that?" I asked myself. I even thought he still has feelings for her? Why? because he was being shady about his past. If she was in the past why cant he tell me the truth I said. Since they have been having sex for a long time sex must be so good, what if he wants to have sex with her again I said to myself. I asked him twice, and both times he lied until last week I confronted him and demanded the truth. So the reason why I did that is because he wasnt open with me from the beginning.

 

I think to build a future with someone, you need to know about their past as well. A lot of you are saying I am not entitled to such information. But how can you build

a relationship/future/marriage with someone when a big part of them (their past) which makes them who they are is missing and you dont know anything about it?

 

And just so you know, even after he told me evrytihing, I didn't judge him. I even thanked him for telling me. And I also told him he shouldnt be ashamed of anything and I said that he should be able to share with me anything and anytime. I said to him I will be by his side as long as he is honest with me. But I cant stop thinking about this whole thing. He is sensitve and I dont want to break his heart by saying harsh words regarding what happened.

 

What I shared in the post here is my thoughts that goes in my head. And I cant share it with anyone and I will only talk to him about this again, when I am ready, and when I am not under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful (which I am right now as Rose said). This is the reason why I posted here. But as I see most of you are just one-sided.

[Hollyj]

What a hypocrite. He can have sex with multiple people, but when she does it, she is a "slag." Ugh!

 

" I am disgusted about the fact that he had sex with a girl like that." Why is it okay for him to be with multiple people ? You should be equally disgusted.

 

I hope that you have both been tested and always use condoms?

[Rose Mosse]

I said to him I will be by his side as long as he is honest with me. But I cant stop thinking about this whole thing. He is sensitve and I dont want to break his heart by saying harsh words regarding what happened.

 

Carry on with your kindness but I wouldn't suggest keeping this bottled up to yourself. He is vulnerable at this time and shared his past with you. If you are committed to him and really care about him, I'd open this up a bit more and engage with each other. Both of you should establish this relationship as a safe place. It was interpreted as an unsafe place by your boyfriend because of whatever issues or guilt he had prior. You have the opportunity to guide this in a different direction and encourage a more loving and communicative space.

 

I'd resist the urge to ask any specific questions about Hannah in general and if you're not comfortable with their friendship, just make it known to him. It seems he's already responded to you and agrees with you that any communication or friendship with her is inappropriate in your relationship. Both of you have to trust each other that there are no third parties and there will be no other third parties in the future. Start creating that safer place, open the communication lines and start bonding and expressing your love for each other. This is not the end of the world, merely a small pothole in the road. Stay positive and reaffirm your love and trust in each other. That feeling of distrust will fade with better communication and greater respect between each other.

[katrina1980]

 

This seems a little too one-sided for my liking ...

 

Yes and no disrespect Rose, but some of your posts are also one-sided and not to everyone's liking either - it's called having an opinion, which is why we're all here, giving opinions.

 

The OP takes them all in and then ultimately decides what's best for her/him. There is really no "one size fits all" or a right or wrong.

 

Sadly, it appears to be the norm that an OP will reject any opinion that disagrees with her/his own version of events, and hangs tightly to the opinion that suits her.

 

That's their right of course but sort of defeats the purpose of starting a thread imo.

 

Again, wish you the best of luck sg, I hope it all works out the way you hope.

[bluecastle]

Since they have been having sex for a long time sex must be so good, what if he wants to have sex with her again I said to myself. I asked him twice, and both times he lied until last week I confronted him and demanded the truth. So the reason why I did that is because he wasnt open with me from the beginning.

 

I'm confused.

 

When I read this what I see is some misdirected emotional thinking. I'm sure every girlfriend I've ever had has had fantastic sex with a man who is not me, for instance. I sure hope so, at least. What a bummer if they've been having lousy sex.

 

To which I don't say: Drats—will she want to have sex with that man again? No, what I say is: Great! That's been part of her journey, her awakening, her discovery of what she likes and doesn't like, her understanding of the glory that is to be cherished and desired. And now she has entered my life, is with me, and I get to benefit from that past journey as we continue ours together.

 

So what I don't understand is what you "confronted" him about, what truth was "demanded." Was it whether he wanted to have sex with Hannah again? Because, if so, that's just catastrophic thinking being weaponized in a destructive manner—to you, to him, to your bond.

 

While I understand shadiness about the past can be grating, I'm also really struggling to understand what his "shadiness" looked like. At some point you asked him who was the last person he was with, and when, and you got the Hannah-boyfriend-Sean story, the story of Hannah being blocked. Some young, drunken entanglements. Sounds pretty forthcoming to me. Then you "realized" there were photos of her, asked more questions, got more answers. Again, I'm not seeing shadiness. I'm just seeing answers you don't like and/or some kind of deep-seeded urge to prove that he's a scoundrel—to prove, maybe, that he is more conforming to some preexisting fear about men or relationships than the exception.

 

Maybe you can help me understand why you felt he was being shady. You got the Cliff's Notes version early about his past, and now you have the Forensic Files. They both tell the exact same story he led with: single for a bit, some fun here and there that didn't lead to a label. Seems that everything has been out there—out of the shade—from day one.

[Rose Mosse]

Yes and no disrespect Rose, but some of your posts are also one-sided and not to everyone's liking either - it's called having an opinion, which is why we're all here, giving opinions.

 

The OP takes them all in and then ultimately decides what's best for her/him. There is really no "one size fits all" or a right or wrong.

 

Sadly, it appears to be the norm that an OP will reject any opinion that disagrees with her/his own version of events, and hangs tightly to the opinion that suits her.

 

That's their right of course but sort of defeats the purpose of starting a thread imo.

 

Again, wish you the best of luck sg, I hope it all works out the way you hope.

 

I think the purpose of responding to a thread is maintaining some modicum of respect to all parties involved. What I appreciate is disagreement and agreement (open discussion of the matter at hand) and focusing on topics provided by the OP. When it comes to disrespecting another poster's opinions or points on the matter or undermining someone else's chance to speak or the overall character of another member on the forum, that's when I draw the line. It's inappropriate for a public forum and even breaks some of the rules.

 

We are all here to listen to each other. There are times when the OP has completely disregarded or not even responded to what I've written. I've not made a big deal about it.

 

I am not the OP and I have found some of the responses very insulting to anyone's intelligence and quite offensive or abrasive in general. I don't think that's necessary.

[reinventmyself]

It feels more like a shyt test she actively went in search of. Seeing people aren't carrying a Rolodex of dates and times they laid down next to people in their past, anyone is sure to fail this test. Besides, the way she goes about it would scare me into tripping up on dates and times myself because most people arent subjected to this type of inquisition.

 

Do you inquire about peoples pasts? sure - in a cliff notes sort of way. That's part of discovery and getting to know someone. At the same time you are never entitled to it.

 

But the very intimate details of what happened before they ever laid eyes on each other - are respectfully his.

Her persecution feels more like a form of conditioning.

Her accounting of how she rewarded him for basically vomiting every detail made me cringe.

To each their own. Maybe this works for them.

 

Came back to add that I suspect most men have romped with an equally free willed girl at least once in their lifetime. Not sure how that makes them bad people. But she's entitled to her opinion and her values.

[katrina1980]

I'm confused.

 

When I read this what I see is some misdirected emotional thinking. I'm sure every girlfriend I've ever had has had fantastic sex with a man who is not me, for instance. I sure hope so, at least. What a bummer if they've been having lousy sex.

 

To which I don't say: Drats—will she want to have sex with that man again? No, what I say is: Great! That's been part of her journey, her awakening, her discovery of what she likes and doesn't like, her understanding of the glory that is to be cherished and desired. And now she has entered my life, is with me, and I get to benefit from that past journey as we continue ours together.

 

So what I don't understand is what you "confronted" him about, what truth was "demanded." Was it whether he wanted to have sex with Hannah again? Because, if so, that's just catastrophic thinking being weaponized in a destructive manner—to you, to him, to your bond.

 

While I understand shadiness about the past can be grating, I'm also really struggling to understand what his "shadiness" looked like. At some point you asked him who was the last person he was with, and when, and you got the Hannah-boyfriend-Sean story, the story of Hannah being blocked. Some young, drunken entanglements. Sounds pretty forthcoming to me. Then you "realized" there were photos of her, asked more questions, got more answers. Again, I'm not seeing shadiness. I'm just seeing answers you don't like and/or some kind of deep-seeded urge to prove that he's a scoundrel—to prove, maybe, that he is more conforming to some preexisting fear about men or relationships than the exception.

 

Maybe you can help me understand why you felt he was being shady. You got the Cliff's Notes version early about his past, and now you have the Forensic Files. They both tell the exact same story he led with: single for a bit, some fun here and there that didn't lead to a label. Seems that everything has been out there—out of the shade—from day one.

 

Spot on blue, well said!

 

I also had the same concerns but went in a different direction. That being, when this sort of distrust and insecurity is present, whether it's based on your past, or something your partner is doing -- leave the relationship, focus on yourself to determine where the distrust/insecurity is coming from, attempt to resolve those issues on your own or with the help of a qualified professional, and then eventually seek out a partner who is a better fit, and who enhances your already secure and fulfilling life.

[Clio]

Imo, his past is not an issue. What I would have an issue with is that a) it seems that he lies when he feels cornered b) he was ok having sex with another man's girlfriend c) he sounds like a judgemental hypocrite, calling her a slag when he is no better. At the end of the day you have to decide whether your values are compatible. If you can empathise with the aforementioned, it's all good. If you can't, then it's a no go. Imo, the problem is not his past, it's the lack of character when he feels cornered. However, not everyone would perceive it as such and some people are more forgiving than others. You need to decide whether you are ok with the aforementioned or not.

[Rose Mosse]

I took issue with the OP's situation because Hannah was still a friend or in connection on social media with her boyfriend while the OP had no idea they had a past sexual or romantic history. In the OP's posts, this is what I interpreted as inappropriate and caused the break down in trust.

 

Hannah insisted on keeping in contact with the OP's boyfriend and disregarded his girlfriend's requests, pleading with him not to delete her as a friend. This was inappropriate on Hannah's part considering the boyfriend is attached and should have left the decision to her friend(ex romantic interest -the boyfriend) in the first place. The OP's boyfriend made a decision and stuck with it regarding letting Hannah go for good.

 

The result is the OP feeling a bit put out and wondering why she had to be a part of this drama or rigmarole in the first place and why her boyfriend possibly didn't just out with the Hannah friendship/past history and get rid of her a long time ago. I would be wondering the same thing. It's the aftermath that the OP is struggling with. In her last post (page 3) she's already made peace with the past that her boyfriend shared with her.

 

What she's uneasy about is the aftermath. I've been encouraging her to rebuild a trustful and more loving connection and continuing open communication with her boyfriend. Repair that trust and keep reaffirming the love for each other.

[bluecastle]

I have to ask: Is this the same guy who, when you first felt a little sizzle back in Oct, you were concerned about dating because he might not want to marry you within the next 3-4 years? The same guy who, when he went to Thailand before you were exclusive, unnerved you by following new women on Instagram? Who, even then, was for one reason or another already sending you "proof" that he was being "good" in the form of screenshots of above-board exchanges with women? The same guy who, in Jan, upset you by going away for a weekend when you were deep in your thesis? The same guy who, back in Feb, you'd opted to break up with because he was following naked Instagram models?

 

If so, how much more do you want to take?

 

Putting aside any opinions—about maybe you're being a bit too x, him a bit too y—this just sounds exhausting, more like a chemistry experiment than, well, the kind of chemistry that evolves into a fun and healthy relationship. Where some people have "issues inside a relationship," others have "relationships built on issues."

 

I'd maybe take a moment to really ask yourself which one this is.

[katrina1980]

 

What she's uneasy about is the aftermath. I've been encouraging her to rebuild a trustful and more loving connection and continuing open communication with her boyfriend. Repair that trust and keep reaffirming the love for each other.

 

Gosh debating about this was the last thing on my agenda today :) but I just wanted to address this^ before I sign off.

 

I don’t disagree with the above quote Rose; short of ending the relationship, it's great advice. Probably would have been helpful to advise her how to go about doing that though because ...

 

Being that she herself has acknowledged her own trust issues, which existed way before this guy came along (per her previous threads), it’s only a matter of time before another issue(s) pops up that she will feel “uneasy” about, either from his past or his present.

 

Again, I don’t think she is “wrong” for feeling “uneasy” as you referred to it. We're all entitled to feel however we feel.

 

What’s “wrong” imo, and not a respectful way to approach such uneasiness, is the way she chose to respond to it. Through confrontation, demands, shame (and yes it was most definitely shame) and disgust.

 

I respect your opinion Rose but I simply cannot believe you found the way she chose to approach it, by confronting, demanding he tell her “everything”, the shame, the disgust, acceptable no matter what's he done in the past.

 

You advised her earlier to continue with her “kindness.” Regardless of her boyfriend’s behavior in the past, how is anything re how she chose to address her uneasiness with him “kind”?

 

Can you clarify your thought process about that? I'd really like to understand, thanks.

[Rose Mosse]

Katrina, the difference between you and I is that I have chosen not to read so harshly or deeply into the initial reactions of the OP. That's where we differ. I have also chosen not to read her initial post at face value and have interpreted it differently taking her emotions and her current frame of mind into context. I am not stuck on those minute details charged with emotion. I am acknowledging where she's coming from and she has updated her emotional state on page 3 as well, bottom of the page.

 

As I mentioned I've acknowledged that her initial reactions are emotional and she's really entitled to feeling that way given the circumstances, or any circumstances for that matter. I'm a proponent for listening to one's gut feelings and not dampening them for any reason. I don't think it's useful (in my opinion) to break down the OP when she is already in an emotional state. Whether she's demanded any information is her prerogative. The boyfriend, after all, is an adult in his own right and is fully capable of walking away from a "demanding" or confrontational relationship that doesn't suit him. The most that we can do is encourage a healthier and less antagonistic way for the couple to approach the situation and work on their relationship together.

[j.man]

Or to respect your partner's privacy and right to it regardless.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, the lack of maturity and the disproportionately high insecurity will likely be the undoing of your relationship, OP.

 

The way you two have handled this entire debacle is telling in and of itself. The dynamic between you and him is already off and I think you are going to find it very difficult to come back from this. Him, too.

[Rose Mosse]

That's a good point, jman. I think it's up to them to decide what's appropriate or not regarding rights to privacy but it doesn't seem like this is the case for the particular situation (although a case for it can be made!). The biggest issues, in my mind, to the OP seem to be too much privacy especially at a stage perhaps where they should be open enough to know each other further. Isn't this what dating is about? That's the issue she was having with. How are we to fall in love and know our partners if we don't have the full picture of what they have been about or are about or what kind of goals or aspirations they may have?

 

Having said that, I don't think it's healthy or a good idea to fixate on a partner's past. This is why I've kept encouraging healthier communication and resisting the urge to ask too many further details about Hannah as a person now that she's out of the picture. It's healthier (to me) that the couple focus on themselves and rebuilding that trust.

[katrina1980]

 

I don't think it's useful (in my opinion) to break down the OP when she is already in an emotional state.

 

First off, I don't see how anyone is doing that (breaking her down), and second, I don't think it's useful to coddle her either (which is what you're doing imo).

 

Disregarding her extremely unhealthy and disrespectful response to her own uneasiness in how she chose to approach it with him, under the guise of "she's entitled to be demanding (controlling, shaming, etc) that's her prerogative."

 

Sure we're all entitled to be whatever we want to be, that's our right as human beings, it doesn't mean it's right, or healthy or the correct way to foster a mutually-rewarding, loving, respectful and healthy relationship with our partners.

 

Encouraging that only fosters more distrust, and unhealthy communication.

 

However, that said I do agree that he is an adult and has the right to reject such an approach, which apparently he has chosen not to.

 

So perhaps reinvent was correct in what she posted earlier, this is their dynamic, and it it works for them, so be it.

[Rose Mosse]

First off, I don't see how anyone is doing that (breaking her down), and second, I don't think it's useful to coddle her either (which is what you're doing imo).

 

Disregarding her extremely unhealthy and disrespectful response to her own uneasiness in how she chose to approach it with him, under the guise of "we're all entitled to be demanding, controlling, that's her prerogative." Sure we're all entitled to be whatever we want to be, that's our right as a human being, it doesn't mean it's right, or healthy or the correct way to foster a mutually-rewarding and healthy relationship.

 

I am sorry, that's just bad and irresponsible advice imo, and only fosters more distrust, and unhealthy communication.

 

However, that said I do agree that he is an adult and has the right to reject such an approach, which apparently he has chosen not to.

 

So perhaps reinvent was correct in what she posted earlier, this is their dynamic, and it it works for them, so be it.

 

I'm not sure where she displayed anything unhealthy, demanding or controlling. I didn't read that in her version of events. She expressed distrust and unease but she didn't seem demanding or controlling to me at all. Being assertive is important in a relationship and knowing when to assert that it's her business to know is what I'm emphasizing. This is what dating is all about - finding out more about each other and not being shy or skirting around the fact that it is her business to know. I'm unsure why we are victimizing the boyfriend in the first place by using terms like demanding or controlling to describe the OP.

[katrina1980]

 

I'm unsure why we are victimizing the boyfriend in the first place by using terms like demanding or controlling to describe the OP.

 

Ok fair enough Rose. Perhaps this is nothing more than you see it (how she chose to approach her unease with him) one way, and I (and others) see it another.

 

Which is fine! And I apologize if you felt I was unfairly challenging you (if you were), that wasn't my intention, I was simply seeking understanding of your thought process.

 

I actually thought this was a great debate, very respectful, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

[Rose Mosse]

Ok fair enough Rose. Perhaps this is nothing more than you see it (how she chose to approach her unease with him) one way, and I (and others) see it another.

 

Which is fine! And I apologize if you felt I was unfairly challenging you (if you were), that wasn't my intention, I was simply seeking understanding of your thought process.

 

I actually thought this was a great debate, very respectful, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

 

Not at all. I like debating with you. I'm not sure where the idea that I felt I was being unfairly challenged has come from (I haven't thought that about our interactions at all). I do think calling other poster's or member's thoughts irresponsible is a way of invalidating someone else's point of view and I don't consider that welcome or fair treatment of each other as equal members on the forum. I also appreciate your responses as a whole and value your insight, Katrina.

[katrina1980]

^^Yeah re an opinion being "irresponsible," I agree and I modified my post, deleting that, and adding more thoughts.